FORGIVENESS & MAKING AMENDS

Responsibility and Making Amends in Recovery
(In light of the habit (lie) of cyberpaths to swear that they have 'changed', are 'sorry' or 'didn't mean it that way' or are 'trying to start a new life' - EOPC want sto present a radical idea.

IFyou want to stay friends or in contact with the person you preyed on and make it right? You could avoid a lot of the exposure, anger and blaming ("they are obsessed with me,""that never happened","it's all a lie", etc - don't go there, we KNOW you're lying...)

Cyberpaths - if you really want to change, here's what to do - Fighter) :

Responsibility is the cornerstone of recovery. We may feel guilty about the ways we've acted and about those we've hurt. This is part of recovery; it is part of having a conscience. In recovery, we learn to change our perspective on ourselves. Our illness can't be cured, but it can be treated if we are willing to work on it. Members of a support group who have "been there" can help in the healing process as we walk through the minefield of our shame.

In recovery, we learn to monitor our actions, and when we act in negative ways we do not become shameful and defensive; instead, we admit our mistakes and make amend for them. Making amends does not just mean saying we're sorry. It means recognizing and thinking through our behavior:

Because of how I acted, there is an inequality in our relationship. Now I need to find out from you what is needed for the relationship to become equal again.

For a person who, during his addiction (predatory internet encounters), continually lied, making amends would not mean saying, "I'm sorry for blowing up at you." It would include admitting to his spouse what he has done, recounting a specific incident, and then saying, "I know this caused you great pain and frustration. What do you need from me to make up for this?" If her request is within his realistic limits, he would act to make restitution to her. By making amends, he owns precisely what he did and commits himself to a change in his behavior.

By claiming responsibility for our actions, we may win back some of the relationships we lost through our addiction. We are all human and we all act foolishly from time to time, but shame is a distortion of reality that makes it impossible for us to make amends. In recovery, we learn how to see ourselves realistically, as human beings.

from: The Addictive Personality, by Craig Nakken, MSW, CCDDP, LCSW, LMFT

RECOVERY & AMENDS TAKES TIME!! Not just a simple I'm sorry email.

You face the person IN PERSON if possible, and start an ongoing dialogue to heal both them and yourselves.

If you have had an 'online affair' you find a way to be accountable to your spouse while dealing with the other person rather than just abruptly breaking it off (all too convenient for the cyberpath and confusing & painful for their victim(s) In this EOPC disagrees with therapists who say to break it off or avoid the other person! Most therapists do NOT 'Get it' about relationships with pathologicals - online or off ) or finding an excuse to continue the affair.

While this goes against current thinking for cyber-relationships ("break it off immediately") it could be a gentler, more effective and radical approach to total accountability and healing in all parties.

We fully recognize in cases of fraud, divorce or assault - this may not be appropriate.

This excerpt used the male term(s), your cyberpath may well be female. - Fighter

FORGIVENESS & MAKING AMENDS

Responsibility and Making Amends in Recovery
(In light of the habit (lie) of cyberpaths to swear that they have 'changed', are 'sorry' or 'didn't mean it that way' or are 'trying to start a new life' - EOPC want sto present a radical idea.

IFyou want to stay friends or in contact with the person you preyed on and make it right? You could avoid a lot of the exposure, anger and blaming ("they are obsessed with me,""that never happened","it's all a lie", etc - don't go there, we KNOW you're lying...)

Cyberpaths - if you really want to change, here's what to do - Fighter) :

Responsibility is the cornerstone of recovery. We may feel guilty about the ways we've acted and about those we've hurt. This is part of recovery; it is part of having a conscience. In recovery, we learn to change our perspective on ourselves. Our illness can't be cured, but it can be treated if we are willing to work on it. Members of a support group who have "been there" can help in the healing process as we walk through the minefield of our shame.

In recovery, we learn to monitor our actions, and when we act in negative ways we do not become shameful and defensive; instead, we admit our mistakes and make amend for them. Making amends does not just mean saying we're sorry. It means recognizing and thinking through our behavior:

Because of how I acted, there is an inequality in our relationship. Now I need to find out from you what is needed for the relationship to become equal again.

For a person who, during his addiction (predatory internet encounters), continually lied, making amends would not mean saying, "I'm sorry for blowing up at you." It would include admitting to his spouse what he has done, recounting a specific incident, and then saying, "I know this caused you great pain and frustration. What do you need from me to make up for this?" If her request is within his realistic limits, he would act to make restitution to her. By making amends, he owns precisely what he did and commits himself to a change in his behavior.

By claiming responsibility for our actions, we may win back some of the relationships we lost through our addiction. We are all human and we all act foolishly from time to time, but shame is a distortion of reality that makes it impossible for us to make amends. In recovery, we learn how to see ourselves realistically, as human beings.

from: The Addictive Personality, by Craig Nakken, MSW, CCDDP, LCSW, LMFT

RECOVERY & AMENDS TAKES TIME!! Not just a simple I'm sorry email.

You face the person IN PERSON if possible, and start an ongoing dialogue to heal both them and yourselves.

If you have had an 'online affair' you find a way to be accountable to your spouse while dealing with the other person rather than just abruptly breaking it off (all too convenient for the cyberpath and confusing & painful for their victim(s) In this EOPC disagrees with therapists who say to break it off or avoid the other person! Most therapists do NOT 'Get it' about relationships with pathologicals - online or off ) or finding an excuse to continue the affair.

While this goes against current thinking for cyber-relationships ("break it off immediately") it could be a gentler, more effective and radical approach to total accountability and healing in all parties.

We fully recognize in cases of fraud, divorce or assault - this may not be appropriate.

This excerpt used the male term(s), your cyberpath may well be female. - Fighter

WHAT EOPC IS ABOUT

IN 2004, A GROUP OF PEOPLE MET VIA SHARED TRAUMA AFTER BEING TARGETED BY ONLINE PREDATORS AND DECIDED TO START THIS SITE.

THIS SITE IS PRIMARILY FOR ADULTS WHO PREY ON VULNERABLE OTHER ADULTS VIA: Support boards, non-sexual or non- 'hook up' chat sites, reunion sites and social networking, etc.

WE DECIDED TO TRY TO EFFECT POSITIVE, LEGAL CHANGE TO THE INTERNET, TRY TO CHANGE LAWS, SUPPORT VICTIMS AND HOLD THESE CYBERPATHS ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE DEVASTATION THEY CAUSE.

WE EXPOSE ONLINE PREDATORS AND CYBERPATHS IN AN EFFORT TO:

• Validate victims that what they experienced is pathological & out of the ordinary - and NOT THEIR FAULT
  
• Use the stories to illustrate the seductive & manipulative pattern used by these predators
• To hold them accountable in a constructive way, where the law has not (law enforcement seems to normally blow off Cyberpathy victims as "jealous" or "scorned" and do not investigate -- and the FBI CyberCrimes unit has a 8+ year backup)
  
• To try to get predators to stop what they are doing to others (often doesn't work but it's worth a try)
  
• Protect others from falling prey to these predators
• Offer to find outside counseling or help for the victims for the Emotional Rape & PTSD
  
• Offer to find help for these predators who wish to make amends to their victims and stop their online behavior.

In the right hand margin is a link to contact us, join our private email support group and get information on how to expose your predator. (Flaming or accusations that are not backed up will not be allowed.)

Never doubt that a small, group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.
- Margaret Mead

EOPC makes no money and is all volunteer. To expose a predator write us to obtain our legal release.

WHAT EOPC IS ABOUT

IN 2004, A GROUP OF PEOPLE MET VIA SHARED TRAUMA AFTER BEING TARGETED BY ONLINE PREDATORS AND DECIDED TO START THIS SITE.

THIS SITE IS PRIMARILY FOR ADULTS WHO PREY ON VULNERABLE OTHER ADULTS VIA: Support boards, non-sexual or non- 'hook up' chat sites, reunion sites and social networking, etc.

WE DECIDED TO TRY TO EFFECT POSITIVE, LEGAL CHANGE TO THE INTERNET, TRY TO CHANGE LAWS, SUPPORT VICTIMS AND HOLD THESE CYBERPATHS ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE DEVASTATION THEY CAUSE.

WE EXPOSE ONLINE PREDATORS AND CYBERPATHS IN AN EFFORT TO:

• Validate victims that what they experienced is pathological & out of the ordinary - and NOT THEIR FAULT
  
• Use the stories to illustrate the seductive & manipulative pattern used by these predators
• To hold them accountable in a constructive way, where the law has not (law enforcement seems to normally blow off Cyberpathy victims as "jealous" or "scorned" and do not investigate -- and the FBI CyberCrimes unit has a 8+ year backup)
  
• To try to get predators to stop what they are doing to others (often doesn't work but it's worth a try)
  
• Protect others from falling prey to these predators
• Offer to find outside counseling or help for the victims for the Emotional Rape & PTSD
  
• Offer to find help for these predators who wish to make amends to their victims and stop their online behavior.

In the right hand margin is a link to contact us, join our private email support group and get information on how to expose your predator. (Flaming or accusations that are not backed up will not be allowed.)

Never doubt that a small, group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.
- Margaret Mead

EOPC makes no money and is all volunteer. To expose a predator write us to obtain our legal release.