Friday, July 29, 2011

HOW NOT TO BE STALKED



Many cyberpaths may have personality disorders. Destructive Narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder, Sociopathy, etc.

The article below is on how to AVOID being stalked... it deals with a lot of real life relationships but can be easily extrapolated to deal with online relationships as well. Cyberpaths tend to have very poor impulse control and be obsessive, or addictive personalities as well. - EOPC


By Tim Pheil L.P.N.

This article is for those who may be in relationship with an obsessive person. Many times those with disorders become involved with those who also suffer. We have had marriages thru our chat room. We have also had bad relationships that ended in stalking, even across continents.

Lets face it, for every marriage there are 10 failed relationships. And those who suffer from the BPD (like myself) can obsess about relationships. As a sufferer I know the best thing you can do is learn to accept the end of a relationship and let go.

I will use myself as an example. Because of the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and sites like www.nonbpd.org . Some may find this to be “anti-BPD” but I am living nightmare these resource's talk about.

I’ll go in to my story and then finish with the Do's and Don’ts of an successful break–up with an obsessive person whether they suffer from the BPD or not.

One of the biggest factors of deterring whether a relationship is over is abuse. Physical, Mental or Emotional. I know that as an untreated sufferer can be very verbally abusive when dysporic. But you need to know what your limits are. After coming from a physically abusive relationship, I knew my breaking point was physical abuse.

Unfortunately I let my SO (Significant Other) because of more advance degree believe after 1st incident was that physical violence was a part of a normal relationship, thus I never called the police the first time. The second time I did. Unfortunately nothing was done, probably because after learning the abuser was a mental health consumer (despite fully acknowledging that she had used violence) nothing was done because they didn’t want to spend the night in the ER waiting for mental health to come take over. There was already a precedent of them being called to take this person to the Crisis Center for violence against objects (furniture).

A counselor at Mental Health suggested if the abuse got to bad that I should call relatives to see if they could help. So the mourning after the incident I called my daughter. But It was going to be 5 days till she could come get me. So I placated my SO. MY SO decided to go to her relatives in a near by town 3 days later. I called my daughter. Even after working 8 hrs she drove 4 hrs down to get me. As per instructed by the resources I had notified the local police that I was leaving and that there may be trouble and had programmed 911 into speed dial on the phone. Unfortunately she came home 2 hrs before my daughter got there. I had to do some really fast-talking to leave. I let my daughter know she was there and she drove as fast as she could fearing for my safety.

I took only what I prized most (computers). I made sure that everything was still working when I left (Telephone, Internet, Etc). I left everything else. Remember it's only things.

After moving I tried to keep working with her on the site but her decision was to start her own. After numerous phone calls, obscene messages on my answering machine and horrid emails I did as instructed and got a restraining order and changed my phone number. I though everything was fine till I learned she had simply changed her targets by harassing those who volunteer for the sanctuary (sending up to 10 emails a day) and even to those who followed her to her new site. Also the smear program toward me had started.

Some one had described the smear campaign as akin to the “I hate you, Don’t leave me” scenario. It becomes “if I can’t have you, no one can” to “I’ll make sure no one will want you because of the smear campaign."

Unfortunately when she was served the restraining order they gave her the police copy.

The one that says “Do Not Give to Respondent”. So we’ve moved. Changed both our phone number and my cell number.


I say we because after being here a short while my daughter introduced me to a wonderful woman whom I married.


Recently my ex sent me 4 emails despite the restraining order. The sheriffs Dept. came out and collected them. After reading them the deputy noticed one threatening to harass my fiancée at her job. He advised me to back to court and had me take the original restraining order. This I did, another long day in court. She learned of my wife's work place from our engagement and wedding announcements in our local newspaper. The local DA has received the incidents and will issue warrants which will then be transferred to the state and city where she resides. 4 emails equals 4 violations. So now its not a matter of if she's going to jail, but when. We did take precautions at our wedding.

My ex has since been to court twice having to go 200 miles to do so. She is on severe probation and will automatically go to jail for 1 year if she contacts me again.




Dos and Don'ts
  • Don’t have joint checking, credit cards, or vehicles with someone you’re not married to.
  • Do let your bank, electric, gas, insurance and phone companies know you just had a nasty break-up and password protect your accounts.
  • Do, if you rent, get renters insurance.
  • Do get a P.O. Box for your mail.
  • Do reformat your computer if you leave it at the end of a relationship, especially if you use online services.
  • Do change all your passwords to all the services you use on and offline and have them sent to a secure email.
  • Do expect a smear campaign against you to all your joint friends and acquaintances. What will be told will not be the truth, but what will get your ex-partner the most sympathy towards them and hatred towards you.
  • Do let your employer and friends and family know you expect it.
  • Do expect the unexpected.

Restraining Orders 101
  • Do call your local court and get the needed paper work filed out before going to court.
  • Do take any evidence of harassment with you to court.
  • Do expect to have to come back to court get a permanent restraining order.
  • Do expect to have to file multiple restraining orders if others are involved. In some states you can get an others added, in most you can get minor children added.
  • Do expect to wait in court.
  • Do get caller id on your phone.
  • Do make sure your phone number is unlisted if you change phone numbers.
  • Do remember any contact whether you receive it or not constitutes a violation. In my case 4 emails equals 4 violations. Even if you don’t pick up the phone and the caller IDs them the respondent is in violation.
  • Do call your local Police Dept or Sheriffs for any violation.
  • Do call your local Police Dept or Sheriffs if the respondent tries to use a 3rd party to convey messages or threats to you.
  • Do remember the laws are there to protect you, not your tormentor.


ARTICLE FROM THIS SITE

STALKING VICTIMS SANCTUARY - CLICK HERE

CYBERSTALKING: Obsessional Pursuit


EOPC cannot and does not intervene if you are cyberstalked or cyberharassed. We can only help you tell your story. For help please contact one of the other organizations listed.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Psychological torture as damaging as physical torture



By Jonathan M. Gitlin

The subject of torture has been in the news a lot lately, what with extraordinary rendition, secret prisons in Poland, detainee abuse, Iraqi torture facilities, and the fight between the US Congress and the White House over just what you can and can't do to a prisoner. Everyone is pretty much on board with the idea that causing physical pain, a la the TV show 24, is verboten. But in this brave new world, the techniques being employed are more sophisticated than such trusty old standbys like beating the soles of the feet or inserting and then breaking glass catheters.

Practices that have evolved from the men who stare at goats now aim to break down subjects through psychological means that leave no visible scars, and as a result they are far more palatable with the general public. Sleep deprivation, stress positions, sensory deprivation and the like are dismissed by pundits and defense lawyers as nothing like torture.

But the aftereffects of such treatment are at least as damaging to those on the receiving end, such as having teeth pulled out, being burned, or being electrocuted. Those are the findings of a new report in the Archives of General Psychiatry. The study, carried out by Dr. Metin Basoglu and colleagues from King's College London and Clinical Hospital Zvezdara, Belgrade, Serbia, involved interviewing 279 torture survivors from the former Yugoslavia. Their experiences were cataloged, and they rated each event on a scale of zero to four for distress and for loss of control, and whether or not they suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder.

The researchers identified seven categories of torture: "sexual torture; physical torture; psychological manipulations, such as threats of rape or witnessing the torture of others; humiliating treatment, including mockery and verbal abuse; exposure to forced stress positions, such as bondage with rope or other restrictions of movement; loud music, cold showers and other sensory discomforts; and deprivation of food, water or other basic needs." Physical torture rated between 3.2 and 3.8, and this figure was matched by 16 other practices, such as sham executions, rape, threat of rape, isolation and fondling of genitals. There was no lesser incidence of PTSD in those who had not been physically tortured. Dr Basoglu concludes that
the psychological practices which are in vogue right now " do not seem to be substantially different from physical torture in terms of the extent of mental suffering they cause, the underlying mechanisms of traumatic stress, and their long-term traumatic effects."

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contrary to what some mentally disturbed persons say about EOPC online, we:

  • do not harass or hack anyone or anyplace for any reason
  • do not impersonate people online
  • do not collect personal data or money, this site makes no profit
  • do not 'diagnose' online
  • do not intervene in exposures - we merely report (we do not fabricate - what we post comes from the victims, not us -- we can post our opinions only)
  • If you are harassed or stalked online, EOPC can not intervene - please see the link in the column at right for help.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

HOW TO AVOID LETTING A ONLINE PREDATOR PLAY WITH YOU


by CAZimmy818@aol.com

#1. If he sounds too good to be true, guess what, he's not !! He may just be 'mirroring' and profiling you while he moves in on you emotionally & spiritually.

#2 Make sure your antennas are in good working order, and when they talk to you, LISTEN CLOSELY. Don't bypass any red flags or a rise of your antennas. Don't tell yourself men are just 'that way' or you are 'making too much of' something.

#3 Don't center your life around this new friend. Fact of the matter is, he is just words on a screen. Keep up with friends in the real world

#4 If he tells you he loves you before meeting him face to face, don't believe him, they are only words to him; he doesn't feel them!!

#5. If he gives you a long sob story and always has a new crisis in his life. Run as fast as you can, and hide too. Would you truly want to live your life with one crisis after another?

#6. Before you go to private IM's with a new friend, spend time in the group chats with him and see how he interacts with other women, and continue to go to chats with him, even as the private friendship progresses !!

#7. Stick pretty close to home. Someone who you could meet for lunch, think about it, could be up to as much as 3 hours away !! If he refuses to meet you - WARNING!!! He's hiding something.

#8. All players have a mean streak underneath all that mush. Given time it will surface and when it does, don't ignore it! Does he pout or give guilt when you argue or set boundaries (you say: I need a few days to think about it.... and yet he continues to email or IM you)? Or when you're arguing, does he insist on staying on the computer when you try and phone. If you listen closely on the phone, you just may hear amusement in his voice! Or does he drop offline for days (probably blocking you while chatting to others) when things don't go his way?

#9. Seems that players move fast & quick with the: "I love you's, this was meant to be, it is God's plan, you are my soulmate, we are building a foundation for our love, let's tear down walls and build bridges," etc. Face it, ladies, this happens only on rare occasions and you don't fall in love with someone you have NEVER MET and spent time with.

#10. Even if you KNOW him (from an old job, school, old neighborhood) - if he pushes for quick sex, says he can't control himself, has to be with you - after not seeing or speaking to you for years - LOOK OUT!! This isn't the person you thought you knew.

#11. Surf a couple search engines on his name and nickname(s) and read EVERY PAGE THAT COMES UP... you'd be surprised what is on page 47!!

These men TARGET lonely women in bad marriages/ relationships, who may be abused, vulnerable, naive, middle aged, low self-esteem, disabled, single mothers and/ or are financially stable (so they can empty your bank account) and so on!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Is Your Online Sweetheart Telling the Truth?

With so many people asking the same question - perhaps now is the time to closely examine how to tell if the person you are dealing with on the "net" is, in fact, the person they are purporting to be. But how? How do we determine this? If we come out and blatantly interrogate them, they will no doubt be offended. On the other hand, this micro-scrutiny may well be what we have to resort to - and in turn, we must be prepared to subject ourselves to the same. Still, a cunning and masterful liar will jump through any hoops to satisfy their goal - so, after some thought, I have put together, based on my own experiences and insights, a list of possible ways to determine if you are dealing with an Honest person.

Listen To Them!
I cannot stress enough the importance of really "listening" to the person you are dealing with. Of course, the notion of "listening" to someone's words on the screen is ridiculous - but if you consider that in the sense they are "speaking" to you - this makes perfect sense. Do they sound too good to be true? We'd all really like to believe the person we are coming to enjoy knowing and speaking with is exactly as they say they are. We want nothing more than to take them at face value. But reading these stories we find often that the real-deal is the exception rather than the rule. Read what they are writing - pin them down on "iffy" details - if they refuse to be pinned, or remain evasive, consider that a RED FLAG and proceed with caution!

Does it Make Sense?
What if you are left with questions that, in your mind, really don't make sense - but the person you are speaking with has a quick explanation. Ask yourself, more than once - is it really believable? For example - "I'd love to meet you soon.. but I have some details or personal matters to take care of first" should provide a RED FLAG. While none of us wants to pry or probe for information, we have to ask ourselves "what kind of personal details or matters are so important that preclude this person from being able to meet me?" Do you have to ask online permission first to call someone? If so, that is a good indication that the person you are dealing with isn't really "free" to meet you at all. Who else lives there? Is it possible the person you are dealing with is still married? While it is true that many people looking for love on-line may still be married, and dealing with the aftermath of terminating their marriages - it's important to establish this well in advance of involving yourself with someone else. Most people understand that often, marriages can take time to end - that doesn't make the person any less available, as long as you can clarify details, and this can be accomplished by calling them at their home (once you have established a comfortable rapport with each other and have exchanged phone numbers). Call when they aren't expecting your call - do they have an answering machine? Who's voice is on it? Are they secretive, do they speak in hushed tones or are they angry or upset that you called without notice? These are pretty good indications that your unexpected call was not as welcome as you would have liked. If this is the type of response your surprise phone call receives, be prepared for some fancy footwork from the other person when they finally do hook up with you, while they explain the reasons for their reaction. Fancy footwork usually involves weaving a tale that on it's surface - sounds plausible, but little else. Do it again! If your first surprise phone call wasn't as welcome as you would have liked, do it again! If you get the same kind of reaction - you can draw your own conclusions. Make these calls at different times. This does not mean harass anyone! But a couple of calls spread out over the span of a week or two certainly do not equal harassment. After all.. this is someone who is supposedly very interested in you.

Current Photos!
With the issue of dishonesty or deception as to the other person's actual weight or age clearly being one of the main issues of Honesty - how do we accomplish the goal of finding out if they're telling the truth? I won't begin to discuss the issues surrounding why weight, etc., is so important.. suffice it to say - if you're telling the truth about yourself, then it doesn't matter. On the other hand, if you want to base a relationship on dishonesty, and the person you are speaking with has a clear idea as to your weight - and you're lying - why do you think you deserve to have any kind of relationship at all? Often, people will try to put off that inevitable first meeting for as long as possible when they are being dishonest about weight. The logical thinking behind this is that for as long as they can delay this, they will make every effort to lose this weight. Of course, this is ludicrous on it's surface as weight loss takes a long time, and people who haven't started a diet aren't likely going to be able to manage substantial weight loss to their own satisfaction in this time frame. But how do you know what they Really look like? Old pictures often tell a thinner or younger story - and we can be stunned or shocked to go to meet the person in the old picture, and find the real person - who we didn't even recognize! There are no shortage of excuses for "why" people don't have current pictures.. "I don't have a scanner", "I don't have a camera", "I haven't gotten the pictures scanned yet", "I don't have time" .. Let's be real here. Any photocopy service in this day and age does photo scanning. They charge an average of $10 (and that's judging from prices of about a year ago) and it takes less than an hour. With the emergence on the marketplace of low-cost personal scanners, we all probably know someone who has a scanner. No current picture? Nobody to take one for you? Heck, there's no shortage of places you can get a picture taken. I once resorted to asking the guy at the store where I buy my bottled water to take my picture, handing him my polaroid. If you aren't being dishonest about yourself, chances are, you have a current picture or have the means to get one. How do we know if it's a current picture? That indeed seems to be the big question here. The best idea I had (and this is lame, I know) is to hold up the day's newspaper (not in front of you, but just off to the side). Sure, the actual date will be impossible to read - but the day's headline sure won't be hard to miss!

The Scammers!
When you read these stories, you'll see that indeed, it is possible now to meet up with someone who isn't interested in you at all, but rather what you can do for them or what they can take from you (money, sex, property...). Too bad they're there - until we can find a means to stop them, the best we can do is protect ourselves. How do you know if someone is out to "con" you? Let's look at the theory behind "cons" or "confidence" people. That's how they work isn't it? The put you at ease immediately, they agree with everything you say, they pour out undying and heartfelt emotions almost immediately. How is it possible?? How can they "love" you almost immediately without ever having met you? I've heard the lamest arguments on this point "well what about in the olden days with pony express? People met, fell in love and married that way all the time!" Uh huh.. hellooo! This is not the 1800s.. we have the means, we have the technology - why would ANYONE make this kind of argument to validate their feelings for someone else? If you defend that train of thought - I'll expect to see your story here sooner or later.
The fact is - "LOVE" is not possible without physically meeting someone or spending a lot of time in getting to know them IN PERSON and not in bed! I will not argue that infatuation is possible, or that feelings of joy, contentment and overwhelming desire are possible. But the "connection" between two people who have not met is not.
Why the rush to love? These people aren't going anywhere.. I can certainly understand the feelings of loneliness and the wonder and joy of being "in love" and having someone who "loves" you in return. It's Wonderful!! But.. it takes a bit of time. Anyone Who tells you they love you within the first 6-8 weeks or so of knowing you online is a liar! There, I've said it - it's out. Would you believe anyone who, in real life, told you they loved you if they'd just met you the week before? No way! Same rules apply here. NOT POSSIBLE. When and if you hear those three little words that mean so much, step back. Step back hard and tell them you are doing just that. If it's "real" or "true" love, it will last forever and stand the test of time, and they will respect that you question your feelings and thiers. If it's still "love" after a few weeks or a month - meet and meet soon!! You will know when you meet in person if what you felt online is what you feel for them in person.


Why Meet Soon? - Let's face it - the internet provides us several unique opportunities to meet a great number of people from one "site". Personals sites list several thousand people each - chat rooms give them the chance to interact - e-mail affords them the privacy to correspond with several people at once. If you have the means to meet people who live far away - wonderful! When you meet that "special someone" and you feel very strongly for them, and you believe that they are honest and genuine - meet them soon! Find out before you make emotional investments if they are the same in person as they were online. Spare yourself the agony of allowing yourself to "feel" for them online, to live for their letters, only to find out that you were not the only one, or that your online feelings did not translate "in real life" when you met them face to face and found out that really, the spark was not there. Be true to yourself, if you do not have the means to sustain a long distance relationship - don't pursue one. Yes, I know, you will have to make yourself wait longer to meet someone from a closer area, but too many have already invested heavily in trips they could ill afford only to find disappointment and deception on the other end. (and meet in a PUBLIC PLACE, tell at least 2 people where you are going and who you are meeting- maybe take one with you!! And if they PUSH for SEX right away because they "have to have you" - even if you have had cybersex online - FORGET IT!!! This is an online SEXUAL predator who probably has a few "special men or ladies" on their hook!!)

Background Checks - There are services that I have recently found - that cater especially to those of looking for love on the internet. They are extremely affordable - and for a minimal price - you can find out some things about the person you are becoming interested in - even if these aren't things you really wanted to know. Check them out (see the link in the right margin) - this is a good resource.

(from site owner) GOOGLE or MAMMA or DOGPILE THEM! - Use a couple search engines and search on their nickname and their real name. Zabasearch.com will come up with an address and possible true date of birth if you have a name and city/state. Scroll through and read ALL the hits - even if there's 22 pages of them. You'd be surprised what you might find on page 21. Use the links in our right margin too!

Summing Up - In Summary - I have addressed my thoughts on how to tell if people are honest. They include:

1. Listen to them! Watch for stories or aspects about them that sound "iffy" or evasive. Press them for details and stand firm if they try to lead the conversation away from those details!

2. Get a Current Photo! It's tough to ask someone to take a picture holding a newspaper - but if they are who they say they are - you need only explain to them you've "been there, done that" with others who were deceptive or dishonest - and you just really need to know, that it's not personal. If they take it personally, there is yet another RED FLAG for you to pay attention to!

3. Take Your Time! If they seem to have fallen in love with you almost immediately (without meeting you in person or within the first 5-6 weeks of knowing you) - Step Back!. Why are they telling you so soon that they love you? Why the rush to love? Sure, we all love being in love - but why the rush? If it's meant to be it will last forever. TAKE YOUR TIME! They aren't going anywhere and if they are, you should be worried anyway!

4. Meet Them Soon! Do not allow yourself to make a sizeable emotional investment in anyone that isn't able to meet you! People who delay or put off that first meeting, it would seem, have something to hide. Insist on meeting them within a month of meeting them online. Allow yourself that month to get to know them and determine if after that month, you still feel for them. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet them in person to see if it's really "love". Be kind to yourself. If they're the right person - nothing you could ask them would put them off. If they've spent any time on the net - they've had similar experiences and Should Be Asking The Same of You!! And if they're not - perhaps you should wonder why... (and don't go to meet them ALONE or in a motel/hotel!! Meet in an OPEN PUBLIC PLACE the first few times)

5. Background Checks - This is accessible to you - if you have ANY RED FLAGS - use the service above or one like it. You can be sorry for something you didn't do for a very long time - using common sense is something you'll never regret.

Original article HERE

Monday, July 25, 2011

Man Gets 18 Years in Prison for Internet Harassment


By Kat Asharya

A Minnesota (USA) hacker received 18-years in jail for cyber-harassment against his neighbors, demonstrating the chaos that hacking can cause on a personal level.

Barry Ardolf, 46-year-old angered his neighbors, Matt and Bethany Kostolnik, after kissing their young son. Ardolf then allegedly hacked into the Kostolniks' Wi-Fi router and hijacked e-mail accounts to frame them for child pornography, sexual harassment and professional misconduct.

"Barry Ardolf has demonstrated by his conduct that he is a dangerous man. When he became angry at his neighbors, he vented his anger in a bizarre and calculated campaign of terror against them," said prosecutor Timothy Rank in a court filing. "And he did not wage this campaign in the light of day, but rather used his computer hacking skills to strike at his victims while hiding in the shadows."

For example, Ardolf created a fake MySpace page for the husband, where he posted a picture of young teens engaged in sexual activity. He then e-mailed child porn to Kostolnik's co-workers at a law firm using Kostolnik's e-mail account, in addition to sending flirtatious messages to women in Kostolnik's office.

However, Ardolf pushed too far when he used the Kostolnik accounts to send a message threatening Vice President Joe Biden, which drew the involvement of the Secret Service and FBI. Working with packet sniffers installed by Kostolnik's law firm on its network, the federal agencies pinpointed Ardolf.

The FBI got a search warrant for Ardolf's house and computer, where they found large amounts of evidence, including hacking manuals and data copied from the Kostolnik's computers. They also found handwritten notes laying out Ardolf's detailed revenge plans, as well as messages for the family.

"I told you about a year ago that you should be very afraid. I can destroy you at will, you sorry-ass excuse for a human," one letter said.

Ardolf's campaign of cyber-intimidation may be small in scale in comparison to the spate of hacker intrusions into corporations and government websites over recent months, but it is a reminder of how deeply entrenched technology is with everyday life, and how more and more consumers must be vigilant against security threats.

"Over months and months, he inflicted unfathomable psychic damage, making the victims feel vulnerable in their own home, while avoiding detection," said Rank.

In addition to the 18-year prison sentence, Ardolf, who had no previous criminal record, forfeited his house and computer gear. Further investigation revealed he also hijacked the Wi-Fi networks of other neighbors and harassed them as well. He eventually pleaded guilty to identity theft and two child pornography accusations carrying lifetime sex-offender registration requirements.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

Friday, July 22, 2011

HOW DOES A CYBERPATH LEARN TO BE A CYBERPATH?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

"the way they interact with others makes them extremely potent manipulators. How potent? So potent that their powers of manipulation are spooky and seem downright magical.

"How does the way they interact with others make them such expert manipulators? Because practice makes perfect, and they have been practicing the art of manipulation in every interaction since birth.

"Indeed, in playing to the mirror of your face, that's what they're doing, isn't it? Manipulating you. Everything they say and do is entirely for effect, to get the reaction they want from you. That IS manipulation.

"They're regulating, manipulating your reactions. But you aren't like them. Your reactions come from within. So, what are they ultimately regulating and manipulating? Your thoughts. Manipulation is mind control.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
"Manipulation is a subtle thing. So subtle that we are usually unaware of being manipulated, unless the manipulator blows it and breaks the spell. So, manipulators are putting thoughts into our heads that we think are ours. A very dangerous thing.

"Since a narcissistic cyberpath isn't acting on normal human premises, since all he is doing is playing you for the reaction he wants, truth is irrelevant. Truth or lies — it's all the same to him. Whichever works. Usually that's lies.

"It would be more correct to say that there is no such thing as truth to a narcissistic cyberpath. Because there is no such thing as truth when playing Pretend. That's why narcissists and psychopaths beat lie detector tests. (In fact, so do many people from "shame" cultures where lying to save face of oneself, one's family, one's tribe, and one's religion is considered morally necessary and expected.)

"Psychopathic Cyberpaths are known to get so good at manipulating people that, by the time they're teenagers, they routinely fool and manipulate mental healthcare professionals, judges, prison officials, parole boards, and social workers who know they are psychopaths, are on the lookout for attempts to manipulate them, and should be immune to manipulation.

"It isn't a matter of intelligence: it's a matter of practice, experience. This is because most of what transpires in interaction happens too quickly to think it through.

"This phenomenon is called Natural Learning. It's how we learn to walk and talk."

ORIGINAL ARTICLE
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Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

excerpt (with edits to apply to cyberpaths)
He gets her to reveal what she is seeking in a relationship. He will be sure to meet all her requirements item for item until she is hooked. Women indicated they told the [cyber]path who and what they were looking for in a person. They also told the [cyber]paths all of their hopes and dreams, not knowing that these disclosures would eventually be used against them.

[Cyber]paths largely “learn” these skills through mirroring or mimicking since they are not part of their true emotional repertoire. Some [cyber]paths say they have learned how to lure by watching romantic movies or eavesdropping on other relationships so they understand the linguistics (what to say to her), behaviors (how to act), and romantic gestures (what women like).

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Another Thank-You from a Reader!


I just wanted to thank you guys for doing what you do!

When I was 15 I became involved with someone I met via World of Warcraft. About 6 months later, my world was turned upside down.

You guys do an amazing job of capturing how online predators get what they want and it really helped me come to terms with what happened. 3 years later, the whole ordeal haunts me. While it was unfolding, I tried making my own site to help myself sort out my thoughts, it was nothing compared to your blog.

Reading what you post also helped me settle in my heart how it could happen and why, it also made me feel less alone enough to press charges.


3 years later, http://sexoffender.dsp.delaware.gov/cgi-bin/sexoff.cgi/d?opt=00004809
exists and I'm majoring in criminal justice, minoring in computer forensics.

I've never gotten around to telling you how much your site has helped so here it is.


Keep up the good work!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Facebook: A Place for Cyberstalking

by Mat Bettinson

So says the National Centre for Cyberstalking Research

The first British study into so-caller 'cyberstalking' has fingered Facebook as the most likely avenue for the harassment suffered by online stalking victims.

Prepared by researchers from the University of Bedfordshire's National Centre for Cyberstalking Research (yes, there is such a thing), the draft report called Cyberstalking in the United Kingdom (pdf) has been presented to MPs as part of a parliamentary inquiry into Cyberstalking.

The report authors said that males were more likely to experience a "harasser" damage their reputation while women were more likely to "focus on fear of physical harm," the report said.

Most of those surveyed by the report had their initial contact with their stalker offline, although eight per cent initially met via social networking. However after the initial contact, social networking was the preferred method for cyberstalkers to harass their victims, ahead of webmail and text messages.

The report authors said that providers of online services had a "duty" to their users to combat cyberstalkers.

"There needs to be a clear process so users know how to report harassment and a time limit so a site must respond within a set number of days," report author Professor Carsten Maple told the BBC.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

NET ABUSERS ARE PATHOLOGICAL


IT'S OFFICIAL: NET ABUSERS ARE PATHOLOGICAL
By Evan Schuman, TechWire


Another yardstick of success will be achieved by the Internet community: It will be awarded its first official mental health disorder.


The newly identified disorder will be dubbed Pathological Internet Use (PIU) and will be christened during the presentation of a major medical paper at the annual convention of the American Psychological Association in Chicago.

The term is being coined by Dr. Kimberly Young, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh at Bradford, in Bradford, Pa. With her paper's presentation, the APA will classify excessive Internet use as addictive, in the same way that drugs (including alcohol), gambling, video games, and some types of eating disorders are today officially considered addictive.

Like those other ailments, Internet addiction starts when the rest of the person's life starts to fall apart, the paper stated. The Internet is a fine hobby or work tool, until it causes problems with social partners, work, or school, Young said.

Young studied 396 cases of PIU-afflicted people and drew some overall conclusions.

Net marketers need not fear, as traditional Web surfing accounted for only 7 percent of the Internet addicts and even more information-oriented tools (gophers and FTP sites, for example) represented only an additional 2 percent.

"Upon examination, traditional information protocols and Web pages were the least utilized compared with more than 90 percent who became addicted to the two-way communication functions: chat rooms, MUDs [Multi-User Dungeons], newsgroups, and E-mail," Young said. "This makes the case that database searches -- while interesting and often time-consuming -- are not the actual reasons Dependents become addicted to the Internet."

Young said one surprise in the results was the lack of high-tech people among the addicted. "While it is a common perception that those addicted to the Internet are computer savvy individuals, these demographic results show that only 8 percent came from high-tech jobs," she said. "Compare this to the 42 percent who indicated having no permanent jobs and the 39 percent who worked in low-tech fields. It is typically newbies who become excessive Internet users."

Among the jobs that she classified as low-tech were secretaries, bank tellers, teachers, advertising executives, and journalists.

The report said that the attraction of the Internet revolves around its perceived anonymity, where people feel comfortable acting out in ways they would never consider in real life.
"The ability to enter into a bodiless state of communication enabled users to explore altered states of being that fostered emotions that were new and richly exciting," Young said. "Such uninhibited behavior is not necessarily an inevitable consequence of visual anonymity, but depends upon the nature of the group and the individual personality of the online user."

"For those who felt unattractive, it was perceived easier to pick up another person through cybersex than in real life," she said.

But beyond sexual issues, newsgroups and chat lines allow people to literally create and secretly test new personalities before trying them out in the real world. "Beyond amusement, reinventing oneself is a way to fulfill an unmet need. The loss of a social identity online allows one to reconstruct an ideal self in place of a poor self-concept," Young said. "Those who suffer from low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, or frequent disapproval from others are at the highest risk" of becoming Net addicts.

She quoted one participant in the survey as telling her,
"By day, I am a mild-mannered husband, but at night I become the most aggressive bastard online."

The addiction can become a problem when the new emotional creation makes inroads into real lives or when the time spent in the virtual life takes away from responsibilities in the real life.

The addicted Internet user will spend an average of 38 hours per week online dealing with nonemployment/nonacademic efforts, compared with "nonaddicts" in the survey who averaged eight hours. Almost half of the participants diagnosed with PIU reported that they get less than four hours of sleep per night due to late log-in sessions.

Another reason for some of the addictions is the sense of community that some newsgroups create. "With routine visits to a particular group (chat area or newsgroup, for example), a high degree of familiarity among other group members is established.

Like all communities, the cyberspace culture has its own set of values, standards, language, signs, and artifacts, and individuals adapt to the current norms of the group," Young said.

"One can easily become involved in the lives of others almost like watching a soap opera and thinking of the characters as real people," she said.

Young's report said that this is especially attractive to people who might find it difficult to establish other social circles. "Homebound caretakers, the disabled, retired individuals, and homemakers have limited access to others," she said.

Internet addiction centers have already been created at facilities ranging from the University of Maryland at College Park to Proctor Hospital in Peoria, Ill., to Harvard affiliate McLean Hospital.

The test group broke down into 157 men and 239 women; the average age for the males was 29, and the average age for the women was 43 .

WHAT CONSTITUTES PATHOLOGICAL INTERNET USE?
Do you:

* feel preoccupied with the Internet (i.e., thinking about the Internet when offline)? * feel a need to use the Internet with increasing amounts of time in order to achieve satisfaction? * have an inability to control your Internet use?

* feel restless or irritable when attempting to cut down to stop Internet use?

* use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a poor mood (i.e., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression)?

* lie to family members or friends to conceal the extent of involvement with the Internet? (i.e. online sexual interaction with anonymous persons, online relationships your family/friends know nothing about, having an online life that only you know about?)

* jeopardize or risk the loss of significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunity because of the Internet?

* after spending an excessive amount of money on online fees (such as for online gambling, porn or shopping), often return another day?

* go through withdrawal when offline (e.g., increased depression, anxiety, etc.)?

* stay online longer than originally intended?

Individuals who met four or more of these criteria during a 12-month period were classified as dependent.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

Friday, July 15, 2011

SEDUCTION, MIND CONTROL & SALESMANSHIP

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We have talked about mind-control, seduction and "grooming" that online predators do to the other adults they prey on. And we have mentioned that this type of seduction and NLP is also used in SALES. Yes, Sales. Here's a great article outlining the how-tos.

Compare this to Robert Greene's ART OF SEDUCTION or FAST SEDUCTION techniques (look for the parallels such as mirroring, eliciting values, all about 'feelings', imbedded commands and so on).- Fighter

Seductive Selling Secrets

by John James Santangelo

Have you ever been in an . . . . intimate relationship? Yes, INTIMATE!

Let me ask you this, "HOW do you know?"

I know, stupid question and what's this got to do with sales? Well, nothing really. Unless you're a mover and shaker. Then you understand the psychology of seductive sales. Or should say seductive BUYING! So, were you able to answer the question, "How do you know? "

The answer is, "you FEEL it!" You know because you have a feeling deep inside about what it is that you're so sure about, the same way people BUY! They just KNOW it. They can't tell you what that 'thing' is but if you ask the right questions, eventually you'll get an answer like, "It's just a gut instinct" or " I just KNOW." Or " I had a feeling it was the right decision." These are the real keys to selling folks. This is how people BUY. And if you are of the premise that you're a people person, smart, know you product, and how to close, you are far mistaken - leaving mounds of money on the table as they say. Don't get me wrong here, you MUST know all those things as well, though if that's all you have in your tool belt, you'll never be able to create a buying environment for your clients. Let's take a deeper look inside at some of the main factors in HOW people buy products and services. I promise, if you incorporate some of these simple skills into your tool belt, you'll be able to construct an exciting ambiance for your clients to FEEL good about who they are, decisions they make and their buying strategies.

The speed of todays business is consistantly increasing at a rapid rate. Companies are looking to increase their communication efficiency to maintain an edge over their competition. In the past 30 years a new model of communication and excellence has risen in the field of human behavior, a science that enhances the components between what we think, understand and how we communicate to people. Great sales people know this, because they're flexible and change their presentation style to match the needs of their prospects, which they will influence. When you have the ability to influence anyone, anywhere, at anytime your business and income will soar through the roof.

Effective communication skills are the most important tools we can learn in life. Yet, most have never learned to adequately become an effective communicator. Most will have theories, but no real answers. Many will state years of experience and practice are the only way to master these skills or it's something you're born with. The same goes with selling, if you do not learn to become a good communicator, your selling will not become any better either.

Most sales courses teach you to remember closing scripts and have you believe the words we speak are the primary source of our communication. But based on a 1970's study from the University of Pennsylvania, 93% of our communication is on a non-verbal level. Learning powerful physical and non-verbal skills, allows you to change how others perceive what you are saying and influence anyone at anytime; because it's the response we receive back from the client, not our given intention. Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) was developed from a model of change and success – HOW people do what they do to succeed. When you fully and competently understand how your clients buy, are sold to, and how to influence them by understanding that 90% of the unconscious mind, which is responsible for every decision they make, you'll begin to naturally influence others to your point of view which means closing more sales. NLP offers some of the most powerful communication tools available in the sales training marketplace today. Simple, yet effective, tolls of awareness, skill, and perception make this technology a hidden resource of influence. NLP is the cutting edge tools of human development; the most influential communication and personal change technology yet available. It is the fundamentals of 'how' our brain operates. Individuals and organizations across the globe are using Neuro-Linguistic Programming to enhance their personal and professional lives. NLP is a new field providing a wide range of both step-by-step methods in developing your ability to reach highly effective levels of communication and understanding within yourself and with others.

Cute story -
Johnny Carson had the #1 Girl Scout salesgirl on his late night talk show. He asked her the secret to her success. She replied, "I just went to everyone house and asked, can I have a $30,000. donation for the girl scouts?' When they said No, I would ask, "would you at least buy a box of Girl Scout cookies?" She had mastered the Contrast frame at EIGHT years old.

The real keys to master influence are the following skills:

1. Intention of Desire!
Expectation
Attitude is EVERYTHING!
Positive self-image: the foundation of success in selling

2. Commitment of Purpose!
Commitment to succeed.
Amenhotep III - "You are your own worst obstacle. Get out of your way."

3. Respect their MAP !
Buy first, into their world.
Beliefs, values, attitudes and lifestyles
Defend their beliefs

4. Prepare your MIND!
What are YOUR values?
Continually learn
Perfect practice makes perfect.

5. RELATIONSHIPS are everything!
Win-Win-Win
Law of association
Testimonials

6. Selling is Useless!
Used car dealerships.
Prospecting: identifying who can and will buy
Two types of buyers…

7. People only BUY!
Buying is Unconscious
People buy FEELINGS
Why / How people buy -

8. Building TRUST and Rapport!
What is Rapport?
Communication Model
Mirror and matching

9. Asking the Right Questions!
What's important to you about/in _________?
How do you know when you have _________?
If I can give you ____ will you ______?
Feeling comfortable!


10. Closing the Sale!
ASSUME THE SALE.
ASK!!!
Future pace the BUY.

Once you have effectively mastered these simple techniques. Your ability to help people buy a product or service will escalate to new heights like you've never imagined.

Have you ever done a great job of solving your prospect's problems only to find they eventually bought from someone else? In the end, you really wasted a lot of valuable time. Or, has a potential customer told you exactly what he needed and you tried to SELL him on something other than what he KNOWS he wants. Forget, for the moment, your ability to overcome objections and your favorite five closing phrases. People are more likely to purchase if you first know how they made buying decisions in the past.

Here's a typical scenario:


Carol, a very successful Real Estate agent in Southern California thought she had a SLAM DUNK sale. Her prospect John, realized that as a self-employed professional, he needed home/office space that was larger than what he currently lived in, to do more business out of his home. Carol determined John's average monthly income level, how much house he could afford, and then showed him several homes that fit his financial needs. She got agreement from John that this was something he could afford, then closed the sale. Carol did an effective job of selling, right? Wrong! John procrastinated for a week and then bought from Carol's competitor.

Sound familiar? Why? Because Carol didn't determine John's psychological buying strategy.


Do you ever think to ask HOW your prospect decides to buy? As you book an appointment from a telephone conversation, do you find out quickly how they will decide to give you an appointment, OR decide to buy your product?

Once you learn to ask the right questions, you'll tap into exactly HOW they BUY from YOU! Yes, we all have a very specific buying strategy, and once you understand how your clients buy products and services like yours, you'll have their key to unlock the doors to closing more sales. If you don't find out, ahead of time, HOW your prospects will buy or WHAT their decision-making strategy is, you'll never even come close to 100 percent closing rate. But, if you learn to ask the right questions, your prospects will let you know, in advance, how they will buy, from YOU!

John James Santangelo C.Ht. nationally acclaimed speaker, seminar leader, and success coach has been a guiding force in empowering individuals, businesses, and corporations to excel at peak performance. Working with companies such as Learning Annex, CSUN-Northridge University, Mary Kay Inc, Well Point, Xerox, RE/MAX Realtors, the Teamsters Union, and the US Army counter-intelligence team. Whether you're looking to fulfill short-term goals, meeting planner events, or corporate sales/communication trainings, John can help you achieve a new level of success! He is the author of Asking The Right Questions…" For more information on Successful Communication Skills, email Info@JohnSantangelo.com or www.JohnSantangelo.com


Thursday, July 14, 2011

CONFLICT IN CYBERSPACE

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How to Resolve Conflict Online

Have you ever noticed how conflict can get blown out of proportion online? What may begin as a small difference of opinion, or misunderstanding, becomes a major issue very quickly. Conflict can be difficult at the best of times, but what is it about online communication that seems to ignite “flaming” and make conflicts more difficult to resolve?

There are a number of reasons to explain why conflict may be heightened online. One is the absence of visual and auditory cues. When we talk to someone in person, we see their facial expressions, their body language, and hear their tone of voice. Someone can say the exact same thing in a number of different ways, and that usually effects how we respond.

For example, someone could shout and shake their finger at you, or they could speak gently and with kindness. They could stand up and tower over you, or they could sit down beside you. How you feel, interpret, and respond to someone’s message often depends on how they speak to you, even when it’s a difficult message to hear.

In online communications, we have no visual or auditory cues to help us to decipher the intent, meaning, and tone of the messenger. All we have are the words on a computer screen, and how we hear those words in our head. While people who know each other have a better chance at accurately understanding each others’ meaning and intentions, even they can have arguments online that they would not have in-person.

Projections and Transference
While many people are convinced that how they read an email is the only way it can be read, the truth is, how we read a text, or view a work of art, often says more about ourselves than it does about the message or the messenger.

All of our communications, online and in real-time, are filled with projections. We perceive the world through our expectations, needs, desires, fantasies, and feelings, and we project those onto other people. For example, if we expect people to be critical of us, we perceive other people’s communication as being critical - it sounds critical to us even though it may not be. We do the same thing online; in fact we are more likely to project when we are online precisely because we don’t have the visual or auditory cues to guide us in our interpretations. How we “hear” an email or post is how we hear it in our own heads, which may or may not reflect the tone or attitude of the sender.

We usually can’t know from an email or post alone whether someone is shouting, using a criticizing tone, or speaking kindly. Unless the tone is clearly and carefully communicated by the messenger, and/or we are very skilled at understanding text and human communication, we most likely hear the voice we hear, or create in our head and react to that. This is one of the reasons why controversial or potentially conflictual issues are best dealt with by using great care and explicit expressions of our tone, meaning, and intent.

Where do projections come from? They come from our life experiences - how we’ve been treated, how important figures in our lives have behaved, how we felt growing up, how we responded and coped, etc. All of us project or transfer our feelings and views of important figures in our lives onto other people.

To take a look at your own projections or transference with people online, think back to the last time you felt angry at someone online. What was it about them or their email that made you so angry? What did you believe that they were doing to you or someone else? How did you react internally and externally? Was your reaction to this person (whether spoken or not) influenced by someone or something from your past? While it certainly happens that people are treated with disrespect and anger online, if there are any parallels between this experience and any of your past experiences, it’s likely that how you felt and responded was coloured by your past. When our past is involved, particularly when we are unaware of it happening, we invariably project and transfer old feelings onto the present situation.

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Disinhibition Effect
Conflict can be heightened online by what is known as the "disinhibition effect", a phenomenon that psychologist, Dr. John Suler, has written extensively about. Suler (2002) writes,

"It's well known that people say and do things in cyberspace that they wouldn't ordinarily say or do in the face-to-face world. They loosen up, feel more uninhibited, express themselves more openly. Researchers call this the "disinhibition effect." It's a double-edged sword. Sometimes people share very personal things about themselves. They reveal secret emotions, fears, wishes. Or they show unusual acts of kindness and generosity. On the other hand, the disinhibition effect may not be so benign. Out spills rude language and harsh criticisms, anger, hatred, even threats." (Suler, 2002)
Suler (2002) explains that the disinihibition effect is caused by or heightened by the following features of online communication:

a) anonymity - no one knows who you are on the net, and so you are free to say whatever you want without anyone knowing it's you who said it.

b) invisibility - you don't have to worry about how you physically look or sound to other people when you say something. You don't have to worry about how others look or sound when you say something to them. "Seeing a frown, a shaking head, a sigh, a bored expression, and many other subtle and not so subtle signs of disapproval or indifference can slam the breaks on what people are willing to express." (Suler, 2002)

c) delayed reactions - you can say anything you think and feel without censorship at any time, including in the middle of the night when you're most tired and upset, leave immediately without waiting for a response, and possibly never return - in the extreme this can feel to someone like an emotional "hit and run".

d) the perception that the interaction is happening in your head - with the absence of visual and auditory cues you may feel as though the interaction is occurring in your head. Everyone thinks all kinds of things about other people in their minds that they would never say to someone's face - online, you can say things you'd otherwise only think.

e) neutralizing of status - in face-to-face interactions, you may be intimidated to say something to someone because of their job, authority, gender, or race. Because this is not visible to you online, you feel freer to say what ever you want to anyone.

f) your own personality style may be heightened online - for example, if your communication style tends to be reactive or angry, you may be more reactive or angry online.
Tips for Resolving Conflict Online
What can be done to prevent unnecessary conflict in cyberspace? The following are tips for handling conflict online with respect, sensitivity, and care:

Don’t respond right away

When you feel hurt or angry about an email or post, it’s best not to respond right away. You may want to write a response immediately, to get it off your chest, but don't hit send! Suler recommends waiting 24 hours before responding - sleep on it and then reread and rewrite your response the next day.

Read the post again later
Sometimes, your first reaction to a post is a lot about how you're feeling at the time. Reading it later, and sometimes a few times, can bring a new perspective. You might even experiment by reading it with different tones (matter-of-fact, gentle, non-critical) to see if it could have been written with a different tone in mind than the one you initially heard.

Discuss the situation with someone who knows you
Ask them what they think about the post and the response you plan to send. Having input from others who are hopefully more objective can help you to step back from the situation and look at it differently. Suler recommends getting out of the medium in which the conflict occurred - in this case talking to someone in person - to gain a better perspective.

Choose whether or not you want to respond
You do have a choice, and you don’t have to respond. You may be too upset to respond in the way that you would like, or it may not be worthy of a response. If the post is accusatory or inflammatory and the person’s style tends to be aggressive or bullying, the best strategy is to ignore them.

Assume that people mean well, unless they have a history or pattern of aggression
Everyone has their bad days, gets triggered, reacts insensitively, and writes an email without thinking it through completely. It doesn’t mean that they don’t have good intentions.

On the other hand, some people pick fights no matter how kind and patient you are with them. They distort what you say, quote you out of context, and make all sorts of accusations all to vilify and antagonize you. Don't take the “bait” by engaging in a struggle with them - they'll never stop. Sometimes, the best strategy is to have nothing more to do with someone.

Clarify what was meant
We all misinterpret what we hear and read, particularly when we feel hurt or upset. It’s a good idea to check out that you understood them correctly. For example, you could ask, “When you said...did you mean...or, what did you mean by...?” Or, “when you said...I heard...is that what you meant?” Often times, what we think someone said is not even close to what they meant to say. Give them the benefit of the doubt and the chance to be clear about what they meant.

Think about what you want to accomplish by your communication
Are you trying to connect with this person? Are you trying to understand them and be understood? What is the message you hope to convey? What is the tone you want to communicate? Consider how you can convey that.

Verbalize what you want to accomplish
Here are some examples, “I want to understand what you’re saying.” “I feel hurt by some stuff that you said. I want to talk about it in a way that we both feel heard and understood.” “I want to find a way to work this out. I know we don’t agree about everything and that’s okay. I’d like to talk with you about how I felt reading your post.” “I hope we can talk this through because I really like you. I don’t want to be argumentative or blaming.’

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Use “I” statements when sharing your feelings or thoughts
For example, “I feel...” versus “You made me feel...”

Use strictly feeling statements
Feeling statements include saying you felt hurt, sad, scared, angry, happy, guilty, remorseful, etc. In everyday conversations, we describe our feelings differently than this. For example, we say that we felt “attacked”, “threatened”, “unsafe”, or “punched in the stomach”. When the person we’re upset with is not present, or able to read our words, this is an understandable way to express the full depth of our feelings and experience. Generally though, these statements are not simply feeling statements because they contain within them unexpressed beliefs. For example, you believe that you were attacked by the person, not that it just felt that way. If you want to communicate with the person involved (or they can read your words), it is best to stick to simple feeling statements otherwise they will hear you as accusing them of attacking them and be angry or upset with you. Some people get confused why other people get upset with them when they think they are only expressing their feelings; usually in these cases there were unstated beliefs expressed which the person reacted to.

Choose your words carefully and thoughtfully, particularly when you’re upset
Do your best to keep in mind that the person will read your post alone. You are not physically or virtually present with them to clarify what you meant, and they can’t see the kindness in your eyes. They must rely entirely on your words to interpret your meaning, intent, and tone. This is why it’s important to choose your words carefully and thoughtfully. You can still be real and honest while being selective.

Place yourself in the other person’s shoes
How might they hear your message? To avoid unnecessary conflict or a lot of hurt feelings, it helps to take into account who you’re writing to. One person might be able to hear you say it exactly how you think it, and another person would be threatened by that style of communication. Think about the other person when writing your email or post. Do your best to communicate in a way that is respectful, sensitive, and clear to them. People often say, to do that feels like they’re being controlled and why shouldn’t they just write it the way they want to. Of course you can write it any way you want, especially online, but if you want to communicate with this person and have them hear and understand what you’re saying, it helps to think about how they will hear it.

Use emoticons to express your tone
In online communication, visual and auditory cues are replaced by emoticons, for example, smiles, winks, and laughter. It helps to use emoticons to convey your tone. Additionally, if you like the person, tell them! Having a conflict or misunderstanding doesn’t mean you don’t like the person any more, but people often forget that reality, or don’t think to say it. It may be most needed during a tense interaction.

Start and end your post with positive, affirming, and validating statements
Say what you agree with, what you understand about how they feel, and any other positive statements at the beginning of your email. This helps set a positive tone. End on a positive note as well.

The Paradox of Online Communication
Handling conflict constructively is hard at the best times, and it can be even harder online. It can take a great deal of effort, care, and thoughtfulness to address differences, tensions, and conflicts online. Paradoxically, some of the same things that contribute to heightened conflict online can contribute to peaceful resolutions as well. The internet is an ideal place to practice communication and conflict resolution skills. Just as the absence of visual and auditory cues, the anonymity, invisibility, delayed reactions, and neutralizing of status free us to say what ever negative thing we want, they can also free us to try new, and more positive communication styles and to take all the time we need to do that. As with any new technology, the internet can be used to enhance our personal growth and relationships, or to alienate us from each other. It’s our choice.

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References:

Suler, J. (2002). The Online Disinhibition Effect. In The Psychology of Cyberspace (orig. pub. 1996), (article orig. pub. 1996)

(Note from EOPC: REPORT REPORT REPORT anyone who stalks, flames, posts personal information and so on. Though it may be blown off - do NOT give up. Report in writing to:

- to site owner where the flame/ information was posted. Request removal.
- to the IP of the person who posted it (if known)
- to the police precinct closest to the person who posted it
- to the FBI closest to the person who posted it
- file on IC3.gov (they currently have a 8-9 YEAR backlog)
- have people who know you write these places as well.

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