The Poor 'Cyberpath' Feels Threatened

by Kathy Krajco

(We have replaced the word 'narcissist' with Cyberpath, since a Cyberpath is usually a destructive narcissist; among other things - EOPC)



Let's take a look at this line that cyberpaths aren't really bad, that they lash out at you because they feel "threatened."

This idea begs the question "Threatened in what way?" and "Threatened by what?"

If you're the victim of a cyberpath, you know that this "threatened" excuse is a farce, because the cyberpath attacks precisely when you are anti-threatening him or her. Like when you are trying please them, when you are saying you love them, when they are already mad at you and you are trying to appease them, when you try to get them to listen to you.

WHAM – you expect the normal reaction to these friendly behaviors, but what do you get instead? The PERVERTED reaction of an attack. It's a shock tactic that takes you aback and makes you have to pinch yourself.

What on earth have you done to "threaten" the poor cyberpath?

Let's look at the last example – trying to get him to listen to you.

By doing that, you ARE "threatening" him, I'm afraid. Yes.

Correction: No, you are not threatening him; you are threatening the imaginary him, the bogus "him." You're threatening his delusions of grandeur.

ANY honesty or reality does. Remember that he is a mental child playing Pretend, and she wants all his 'playmates' to play along. That means you are supposed to follow his script. You are supposed to act unworthy of her attention or regard. When you don't play that part, he stomps her little foot at you and gets mad, throwing a temper tantrum to be so obnoxious that you give in and do what he wants.

In his self-deluding game of Let's Play Pretend, he is so far superior to you that you are beneath his notice, at the relative level of some worm or bug with respect to him. He's something divine; he should look down his nose in contempt at you.

And, you had better act the part or he will go off at you. But here you are, acting like he owes you his attention. In other words, you're acting like God Almighty's equal.

Oh, how horrible an insult to God Almighty!!! Shame on you! You - a mere bug, a mere worm - are "threatening" her majesty by treating him as your equal! Quit "threatening" his delusions of divinity, you mean and naughty person.

The same is true for the example of telling him you love him, for in a profession of love is an implicit call for love in return. Oh, what a horrible attack on his godhead with respect to a mere bug, a mere worm like you! You are treating him as your equal. What an insult!


So, don't let the addle-headed know-it-alls confuse you. You are not threatening the poor cyberpath. The cyberpath is just a pervert = someone who perverts the course of logic to pervert reality. Hence, he pervertedly views love or affection or any call for engagement from him as its very opposite = a "threat."

His Perverted Thinking Machine is not your fault or your problem. It's his fault and his problem. He is not really threatened by you acting like his equal.

In other words, he isn't fighting back against any injury or threat: he is just an aggressor targeting vulnerable prey. That is, he's abusing you to feed his ego.

To blame you for what he does to you, by saying that that you are thus "threatening" him, is as crazy as it would be to blame a lamb for "threatening" a wolf by running away when the hungry wolf feels a need to eat said lamb.

But the so-called experts cannot seem to get it through their thick heads that there is a fundamental difference between fighting others and eating them – between fighting and predation. Though they Play Pretend that they are the only ones qualified to express an opinion on the matter, they are actually the least knowledgeable and qualified, because they know nothing but what they have read in speculative essays by others just as ignorant and whatever lines cyberpaths on their couches have fed these collective speculators. Both individually and collectively they have almost no experience with real cyberpaths, let alone any real-world experience with them. And they haven't even solicited information from victims of cyberpaths. So, how could they possibly know what they are talking about?

Trust your own observations. Reason from facts to conclusions, not backwards, and you will learn what you need to know.

All animals occasionally fight others (including others of their own species) when those others cross boundaries to threaten their interests in some way. You can tell when this is the motive, because the moment the aggressor backs off the fighting stops, and everybody's cool again.


Why? Because when you feel threatened, your motive is to repulse the threat = self-defense. Once you have accomplished that mission, you are done.

But when your motive is to destroy the other, the other party backing down or trying to appease you has the opposite effect. Then it's a sign of weakness that just emboldens the attacker to pour on the attack more furiously than ever.

That's why when an animal attacks to eat another, it doesn't stop till it has ripped that other to shreds. That's what human predators (like psychopaths and other narcissists) do to their prey, as well.

The only way to avoid "threatening" these perverts is to just get and stay far away from them.

ORIGINAL: The Poor Narcissist Feels Threatened

(while this article uses the male gender - your cyberpath can be female)

The Modus Operandi of the "Emotional Blackmailer"

He is too good to be true - He is soft-spoken and polite, he is kind and loves women, he is respectful, he doesn't come on too strong FOR THE FIRST FEW MEETINGS ONLY. He's always on the lookout for a patsy, but he's in no hurry as there's always another one around the corner so he'll take his time in coming on to you.

He'll be there more and more frequently - gazing at you with puppy dog eyes; wanting to know everything about you, asking your advice, making it look like you are getting to know each other and forming a bond.

He will put himself in the best possible light - including lying through his teeth about his ambitions, activities, hopes and dreams.

His seduction techniques are often subtle and well-practiced - It will seem he did nothing to seduce you until you look back and analyze it. He sat and stood close to you, he brushed against you, but it didn't seem to be on purpose.

He suddenly "Turns on the Charm" and turns up the heat - Once you're hypnotized by his sweetness and modesty and respectfulness, he will pounce on you one night and turn into a Mr. Hyde. It "just happened." This is the critical moment to run away, don't let him touch you. He'll leave you breathless wondering what exactly happened. He'll turn on all the charm full force and you'll be wanting him from then on, yet wanting some breathing room. You won't get any. Ever. It won't bother you at first - you'll think he's attentive and ardent.

He starts using the lines technique - Once you're "seeing" each other, he'll be a real swain, discussing how amazing this new relationship is, how different you are from any woman he ever met; and he'll talk about your remarkable beauty and how "alike" you are. He will talk about your "resonance" and describe all the awful women he knew before who didn't want a good man - who wanted someone to abuse them.

All of this is meaningless talk. He uses the same lines on every woman.

He will whine and even shed tears - if you say you have other things to do, other people to see, or want to be alone after seeing him 8 days in a row. He enjoys being abused, so if you scream at him it only makes him feel more secure. He got used to fighting all around him as a child and he equates fighting with love.

He'll start demanding that you "prove your love" - You have become nothing but his prop. He has become your jailer. The key is: he demands CONSTANT proof of your love.


He will "seem" to accept your decision to break up - As the months roll along and you are tired of his constant presence, begging, whining and having unreasonable control of your life, you will decide to break up with him. He will then agree to back off, give you some space, and try to do better.

He'll tell you he has "changed" - No matter how many times you break up with him, he will call you to tell you that he needs you, that he has changed, and he will say it all in a calm voice as if he respects your decision to come back or not. His game is to stay away just long enough that you forget his annoying traits and miss the good parts. But if you agree to even one meeting it will be back to daily visits and demands for constant pampering again.

Getting Rid of the Bastard
The only way to get rid of the emotional blackmailer is when he has found another victim to be his patsy. He will already be courting her while seeing you (he is juggling two or more women per day).

Once he has the new person in his thrall and has nothing to lose by losing you, he will drop you like a hot potato.

He prey's on sympathy, and lives to control - his purpose is to have many women in his control - perhaps one for money and one to scream at him, and both for companionship. He gets a high from controlling people, because as a child he had no control over anything and frequently felt abandoned. This is why the more women who feel sorry for him, listen to him, go out with him, the better he feels and behaves. However, he is telling each of them the same thing: they are the best, the most beautiful, the most like him, he wants to spend the rest of his life with ONLY THEM.

The character of the Emotional Blackmailer
Everything he says or does is for gain. He does nothing for the sheer joy of it, or because he likes people or wants to build a relationship: he is looking ahead to what he can get out of the person: sex, housekeeping, emotional support, someone to listen to him spin his tales of woe, what have you. Loyalty or faithfulness are not in his nature.
He will become vicious and even violent if he is crossed, contradicted, found out, exposed or denied what he wants. It looks exactly like the tantrum of a five year old. That is still his emotional age, although he has the smooth moves of a Casanova down pat.

How Do You Extricate Yourself from the Emotional Blackmailer?
One way out is to cut off all contact. Even email may put you back in his control if you get back into the same pattern of doing what he wants when he wants it. He is a master manipulator who will prey on your sympathy for him as a human being.

Any time spent reasoning with him is wasted - he doesn't hear a word you say. All arguments are circular. If you discuss codependence, he says it doesn't exist, that it's a psychobabble word for two people caring for each other. If he has no answer to your logic he will remain silent and wait for you to shut up, then start with his argument again.

After you have cut off contact, he will stalk you for a while if he doesn't have a replacement lined up yet, but this will cease because it isn't fulfilling enough for him. He NEEDS feedback, anger, someone to scream at him. Any kind of attention pleases him - he is a true masochist who would enjoy being slapped. If you catch him? He will accuse YOU of stalking HIM!

Another way to ditch the Emotional Blackmailer is to turn the tables on him. A man who is so good at manipulating is also easily manipulated to do whatever you want IF you do it the right way. You can be rid of him within a few weeks without avoiding him by doing the following:

• Exhibit jealousy and make it clear that you won't share him with anyone else, and you expect to spend the rest of your life with him and have exclusive rights over him. This will make him feel suffocated for a change and he will be eagerly stepping out on you while claiming he wants only you.
• Lose interest in doing anything you used to do for him or with him; stop taking him seriously; don't listen to his rants about his job; ridicule his ideas, act bored and make it clear you see him only as a useful decoration. Tell him to grow up, tell him you are well aware of his manipulative games but you like him anyway and demand he be faithful to you. This will scare him and make him step up his efforts with the other women, and he will soon be out of your life.

A Final Note:

Healthy, non-manipulative men:

• Don't beg
• Don't tell you that you're "the best"
• Don't use the lines "if you really love me", or "prove you love me by doing this for me"...
• Don't put down their girlfriends or wives (former or current), even mildly
• Respect your right to have other online friends
• Share all their information with you: address, phone numbers, job, etc. They don't mind if you double check on them for your own safety!

(NOTE: Women can be just as abusive and use these same tactics)

Thoughts About the PSYCHOPATHS Among Us (Online!)

[Dr. Robert Hare (foremost authority in psychopaths] calls them "subclinical" psychopaths. They're the charming predators who, unable to form real emotional bonds, find and use vulnerable women for sex, playing games and money (and inevitably abandon them).

[this brings to mind Dunetz/ Yidwithlid - who posted reviews of his lunch hour liaisons on bigdoggie.net and theeroticreview.com and now says either 'the reviews were planted by his Targets' or 'denies it ever happened'... despite cybercrimes police finding his IP and personal credit card number associated with the reviews! )

And Dan Jacoby who posted on sexforums (and probably elsewhere)]:

Robyn Few, a former prostitute who lobbies to decriminalize prostitution as executive director of the Sex Workers Outreach Project in San Francisco, said that on a personal level, “I hate it” that women are “being reviewed and rated like some subhuman.”

The sites represent the ultimate commodification of women, who are impersonally rated by anonymous men in much the same way they would judge a sports car or a racehorse.

original article here

So its a given that these cyberpaths don't think of their victims any differently! Their Targets are Anonymous THINGS, existing only in cyberspace or for their sexual & emotional kicks. [Otherwise - victims are nothing & no one to them.]

Psychopaths can be found in legislatures, hospitals, and used-car lots. They're your neighbor, your boss, and your blind date. Because they have no conscience, they're natural predators. If you didn't have a conscience, you'd be one too.

"The con man works one-on-one," says Babiak. "They'll go after a woman, marry her, take her money (trust/ love/ sex...), then move on and marry someone else. The puppet master would manipulate somebody to get at someone else. This type is more powerful because they're hidden." Babiak says psychopaths have three motivations:

• thrill-seeking,
  


• the pathological desire to win,
  


• and the inclination to hurt people.

"They'll jump on any opportunity that allows them to do those things," he says. "If something better comes along, they'll drop you and move on."

original from this article

The Online Predator's Profile

- You know how people are forever telling you to go with your instinct? It's true; you should. If you think an online friend is lying to you, he (or she) most likely is.

- If he seems too good to be true, then obviously and most likely that is the situation. He may present himself as the perfect match to what you are looking for, only someone you wish you could be with. He could share similiarites, make you seem like you're his priority, and seem "perfect" in countless ways. Another precaution to take when you find yourself in a relationship with someone online.

- One who seems they could never betray you, seems trustworthy, and one who would never let you down, is one who is probably very likely to break your trust easily. In fact, the whole time, an online predator is continuously breaking your trust by ensuring you how "trustworthy" he may be, luring you into the fake comforts of the predator.

- In reality, the online predator is insecure, although he may not seem to be in his relationship with you. He can make you look up to him, giving himself a benefit of self-confidence.

- As an obvious point, he may tell you things and plans he has for you, that appears to be a perfect dream to you, but in all truth, he is planning something rather unhealthy or not exactly something you would feel comfort in, even though he makes you think that it is.

- He will lead you to believe that his reputation stands strong in his home area as a well human being. Making you think that he is safe, and well loved and known by many, and is respected by all who knows him, thus making you feel safer in continuing a relationship with him. In reality, the perpetrator, is generally exactly opposite of the person he leads you to believe he is, usually one without such honor, and lacking great reputation among his friends, family, etc.

- He will attack others and belittle many others, but with you as an exception. The person could guide you to believing your "current local boyfriend/spouse", friends, family etc. aren't good enough for you, and make you believe his thoughts as well, sometimes turning you away from those people. He will also slam his spouse/ partner and say she "drove him to the internet" because she doesn't love him/ no sex, etc. And by him denigrating others, he starts to become superior and a higher priority in your life, as he very well planned to.

- It is unlikely that the person has many long-term friends. Especially since the fact that he dedicates so much of his time to luring, tricking, and lying to you (and others). Additionally, a lot of his time is spent shoring up his "belief ceiling" that he's a good guy, a good father/ partner, altruistic or whatever he wants everyone to believe (as well as convincing himself). Which also proves that point that his reputation isn't as great as he claims it to be, leaving him with fewer friends. Most predators don't mind this however; many are accustomed to isolation.

- An online predator cleverly plans things, many times with every little detail mapped and sorted out, making sure he successfully gets you to believing his stories, and him, damaging you as well, for his own benefits and satisfaction, though you don't realize it.

- A predator knows his activities are something he needs to keep discreet, so his online activities are carefully hidden, not revealing what is he doing. He keeps himself a secret and you become part of that secret.

- The person appears to be charming, someone who any person would want to be in a relationship with. He could be the typical "Mr. Right" and fill in every blank that you have wanted in a partner. But obviously, him being "perfect" means he can lure and manipulate his victims with more ease, and getting them to stay because of his "charm".

- The predator makes careful selections in the choice of his victims - usually profiling victims who appear to be in need of a self-esteem boost, certain weaknesses (lonely, divorced, disabled, abused, recovering), etc. and tried his best to comfort you in giving you the "confidence" you need. He scouts out these certain weaknesses from complaining about certain things to him, or straight out telling him. He can work in very smooth ways.

- Of course this person will seem to be amazing and a perfect match for you. They can change themselves to be exactly what you need, and want, thus making you long for them. Anything you like - they like, anything you need - they have, anything you want - they they can get. It may just seem like mere coincidences, and just make you believe this is the perfect partner for you, but remember, they already aren't being their true selves, so they can mold themselves into anything that will suit you perfectly, regardless of their truth. They are 'mirroring' you.

- The person behind the computer may seem to have plenty of self discipline and control over any actions, but in reality, has a major lacking in self control and confidence. The only place they seem to find that control is in this relationship he has created with his victim. And that's a reason why he does so much to keep this relationship active and alive, because it's one of the few things he can take over with. It seems as if he is creating a "fake life" for himself, which is better than his life in reality. In his fake life, he can be anything great that he wants to be, and trick his victim into thinking he is superior and perfect, and forming a relationship with someone that he probably couldn't in reality, as his own self.

(JUST ONE OR TWO OF THESE CHARACTERISTICS IS ENOUGH TO MAKE HIM A PREDATOR!)

original article here

Another Woman Raped by Person She Met Online

By Leon Watson

Internet daters have been warned after a legal secretary was raped by a man she met on a popular dating website.

Peter Ramsey, 26, beat the woman to the ground, ripped off her tights and had sex with her when she refused him a goodnight kiss at her front door. Ramsey punched the 27-year-old repeatedly knocking out one of her front teeth and left her with 21 injuries. Her facial wounds were among the most shocking detectives investigating the case had ever seen.

The sex attacker was caught after using the victim's Oyster travelcard to board a nightbus within minutes of the attack in Clapham, south west London.

Ramsey and the woman had spent four days chatting on plentyoffish.com site which claims on its homepage to be 'responsible for more dates and more relationships than any other dating site'. They arranged to meet for drinks in Brixton town centre at 7pm.

She later said: 'He seemed like a nice guy. The date was going very well. I thought we had a lot in common.' In the early hours of August 27 last year they went for something to eat before climbing into a cab to her flat near Clapham Common. She believed he was going to walk her to her front door but when he lent in for a kiss and she pulled back, he 'switched'.

In the communal entrance to the block, he pinned her against the wall and rained down punches on her face until she slumped to the ground. When she screamed for help he used one hand to cover her mouth and pinch her nose shut, while continuing to hit her with the other fist. 'I thought I was going to die,' she told Inner London Crown Court.


A 'SEVERE RISK' TO WOMEN

Outside court DC Huggins praised the SOIT role which was crucial in securing the conviction. He said of the result: 'I feel relieved that somebody like Ramsey who had access via the internet to so many women, is now safely behind bars.

'He posed a severe risk to other women on that internet site, which he had been using for a number of years. I would urge people using dating websites to thoroughly vet the people they meet and before they spend time alone. I would also like to thank my SOIT officer, who had the initial contact with the victim. I would like to reassure other potential victims that there are people who are willing to listen to them and take their allegations very seriously in order to bring the perpetrator to justice.

'The victim in this case is relieved about the verdict. She was also concerned for other women and that if he had walked free, there would have been other victims. This woman was unrecognisable after the attack, compared to the woman who gave evidence. Fortunately she has recovered from her physical injuries. I have been in the police for 14 years and these were some of the most shocking facial injuries I have ever seen.'

Ramsey, who has several previous convictions for shoplifting and assaulting police officers, but none for violence or sexual offences against women, then stole the bleeding woman's bag.

As he left she staggered to her feet and called to a passing man, a Muslim on his way to Ramadan prayers, and he came to her aid. The victim's mother, who had heard the screams, also rushed out to find her disfigured and traumatised daughter.

In a further insult, before Ramsey fled, he said to the pedestrian of the two women: 'Don't worry about them - they're crazy.' The rapist then used the woman's stolen Oyster card on a passing N35 bus.

The following day he left two voicemails on the victim's mobile telling her he was sorry and had now sobered up. He said he was left feeling something had happened that 'wasn't good'.

Soon after her ordeal the woman was interviewed by a specialist SOIT (Sexual Offences Interview Technique) officer from Lambeth's Sapphire Unit. PC Damien Hutton-Baber worked closely with the victim to get her detailed account, an interview which was filmed and played to the jury to reduce her time in the witness box.

Ramsey was arrested a week after the attack when a DNA match appeared to have snared him. But when he lied he had not even met the woman on that day, officers were forced to dig deeper. DC Richard Huggins, the officer in charge of the investigation, examined CCTV footage from the bus which showed him on board near the scene.

Ramsey continued to deny the rape, changing his story at trial. He put forward the defence he had consensual sex with the woman but left her rowing with another man who must have beat her.

Ramsey boasted said he had been out with 'hundreds of women' and did not need to rape because he could get anyone he wanted. But he was found unanimously guilty following a trial.

Ramsey, of no fixed address but who had been staying with friends in Forest Hill, south east London, was convicted of rape, wounding with intent to cause grievous bodily harm and theft.

Following the verdicts Judge Patricia Lees said: 'I would like an assessment of the defendant's future risk that he may pose to women. It seems to me the violence meted out was frankly horrific and wholly unnecessary to commit the offence of rape.'

Remanding him in custody ahead of sentence on April 27, Judge Lees warned him: 'You face an extremely lengthy sentence of imprisonment.' The court heard Ramsey has been diagnosed as biopolar while on remand.

original article here

PREDATORS

Punishing narcissists [by exposing them] is not being mean to them. It may be the only thing that can help. And, as for their victims, it is simple justice, the right thing to do for their sake too. - What Makes Narcissists Tick

What is the predator thinking? What's going on in the mystery behind those steely blue eyes? What do they see in you?

Something to love for anything but lunch?

How many tiger-tamers and lion-tamers have fooled themselves into thinking they had developed a relationship with these beasts? Fooled themselves into unknowing that every minute of every day in the cage that tiger was tempted.

That's what tiger-taming is - astounding an audience with the audacity of dangling yourself as bait before a predator.

Until one day, when out of the blue, almost off-handedly, Tiger hops down off the pedestal and eats the tamer to just be done with it already.

How many times have authorities similarly fooled themselves about a child molester, rapist, or serial killer - thinking they can safely be released from prison? Then, out on the street, bait is constantly dangled before their eyes.

Sooner or later....

One might as well expect a wolf to be lovey-dovey with lambs or expect that tiger to roam the streets without hurting anyone. It ain't gonna happen.

It's all because of the way a predator VIEWS you. There is no connection in that look. It's a tiger and you aren't - you are lunch.

A narcissist has no proper relationship with him- or her-self (N's identify with their image instead of their buried inner selves), so how can they have a proper human relationship with anyone else? They see nothing to identify with in you.

Predators - the way to deal with them is simply to get and stay a safe distance away from them. They may resist the temptation today, but if you keep dangling bait before their eyes, sooner or later you know what is going to happen.
So let no one tell you it's mean to divorce one or cut off contact with one. I don't care how much the narcissist cries about it or even if he or she threatens suicide if you leave. People might as well tell you that you have a moral obligation to remain within striking distance of a great white shark because it's mean to stay away and let it go hungry. Absurd.

A predator has no RIGHT to prey, no claim on your life that you must fulfill by allowing them to use you as their whipping boy.

It's just too bad that they will be sad and unhappy without one, because that's THEIR problem: you have a right to pursue your own happiness.

original article here

HOW THEY GET SO GOOD AT MANIPULATION

In light of the fact that EOPC considers most cyberpaths narcissistic and/or sociopathic regarding their exploitation of others via the internet, the following may be helpful to victims and those wishing to avoid being victims - EOPC:
It's a known fact that narcissists and psychopaths have amazing powers to sucker and manipulate people. Your typical street con artist is a good example. Authorities warn us not to laugh at the victim and think that we ourselves would never be stupid enough to fall for a con artist's scheme. Indeed, people en masse often fall for one to elect that guy President for Life. Psychopaths routinely sucker even their therapists. Even while still teenagers, they are expert enough at manipulation to do so.

When you are outside the con job's sphere of influence, you see clearly. You wonder what the heck the conned person is thinking. To you it couldn't be more obvious that this is a con job - the warning sirens are blaring. But the mark is oblivious. You wonder what "got into" him or her. (I love that phrase.) They seem under a spell. You see them doing things like automatons, remotely controlled by the manipulator. All he need do is drop hints to control through the mere power of suggestion and - BOOM - the conned person is thinking or doing exactly what the manipulator wants. The victim might as well be a hand or foot of his.

This is truly spooky. How does it happen?

I studied etymology, and what I learned from the archaic root meanings of words convinced me that the mythology of darkness and magic gradually evolved from a lexicon of language struggling to deal with this seemingly magical power some people have.

But it isn't magic.

The problem is that we have no idea how good at manipulation some people are. They are so good at it, that when we find out how good they are, it blows our mind. How do they get so good at it?

Are these narcissists just brilliant, with astronomical IQs? Well, the more intelligent they are, the more dangerous they are, of course. But, no, they aren't all intelligent. They don't have to be.

It's just a simple matter of "practice makes perfect."

You too would be that good a manipulator if you practiced manipulating people 24-7-365 for a lifetime.

When we interact with others, we are usually trying to communicate. Only rarely are we trying to make an impression instead. Narcissists and psychopaths are always trying to make an impression. They are never trying to communicate. In fact, they block attempts to communicate.

Remember when you were a teenager and met that cool guy or gal? In that situation, we are so busy trying to make a good impression that we do embarrassing things. We are so busy trying to SOUND clever that we say the stupidest things. Our mouths get ahead of our brains.

While we are putting on this star-studded performance, we aren't listening to him or her. We are interested only in the KIND of thing they say and the tone of voice they say it in. Their gestures and body language - we don't miss a beat. We aren't interested in their face, only the expression on it. Why? Because we are studying their continuing reaction to our actions: Ah! a smile! Oh-oh, a frown! OK - there - I got the smile back again. Oh good, s/he stepped closer to me.

See what I'm getting at? When we are operating in this mode, everything we say and do is for effect. We observe the effects and tune our behavior to win the kind of reaction we want. In other words, we are PLAYING that person for the reaction we want. We are trying to manipulate him or her. We are manipulating that smile from him or her. If one thing we say or do doesn't win it, we just try something else and keep trying things till we hit upon what impresses that person as something to smile at. Hence, if we blow it and get a frown instead, in our haste to transform it to a smile we can contradict ourselves in two seconds flat.

We are not being ourselves when we do this. We are quite literally being someone else. We are putting on an act. Our true character doesn't come through, because we are acting out the part of an idealized version of ourselves, an impressive idealized version of ourselves, a purely fictitious character. All because our aim isn't to communicate - it's simply to make an impression.

We can laugh about this rite of passage into sexual adulthood now. It's so awkward. We prefer the company of people we can be ourselves with. But even in adulthood people occasionally go into this mode. In a job interview, for example. Or when meeting a famous or important person.

We never get good at manipulating people though, because we seldom get into this mode where we try to.

Now imagine if you were in this mode all the time with everyone your whole life. That's a lot of practice. Through sheer trial and error, you will become an expert at what produces a smile in another person, or a frown or a look of fear or dejection or shame or anger or whatever you want. You will become an expert at what makes them get mad at some third party you are talking about. You will become an expert at what pushes people's buttons to do a whole list of things you want in various situations. You will be an expert at controlling people this way.

straight from the blog of one of our Exposed Cyberpaths!:

"I have 30 years in marketing...

"I already twist facts for a living."

That's what narcissists are, psychopaths are - experts, because they are in this mode all the time with everyone their whole life. Is it even possible for them to cut it out? I doubt it. They don't even know what normal human interaction is. They are always just trying to make an impression. They are never trying to communicate. They block communication. They don't want you to know them. The real them, that is. It's their deepest, darkest secret.

Being in this mode explains why they contradict themselves so fast and furiously when you lock horns with them. Why they are a nervous blur and never hear what you say. Why they don't later recognize your face or remember your name. They aren't paying attention to any of that in a conversation. What you are saying and what they are saying gets tuned out because it doesn't matter to them. Neither does the matter you are discussing. They will say the sky is purple if they think it will draw the reaction from you that they want.

That's a lifetime of 24-7-365 practice at conning and manipulation. Practice makes perfect. So, never, never, never underestimate their powers of con artistry and manipulation. They can and will fool ANYONE.

original article here

Involved With a Sociopath (or Cyberpath)?

Cyberpathy is an expression of Sociopathy and Narcissism -- therefore this article is very pertinent to those who may be, are or ever were involved with a Cyberpath. If you have thoroughly read any of our predator stories -- you will relate to this article! - EOPC

PART I



Is there something wrong with your guy? Does he lie, cheat, steal, commit fraud, use people then discard them, have fits of rage, seem self-centered or have no conscience?

Do you feel like something is wrong with him, but you are not sure what it is? It sometimes seems like his brain just does not work right and he does outrageous things.

Beware! You might be dating a sociopath. What are the warning signs? What should you do?

Sociopaths are sneaky and will worm their way into your life, despite your misgivings from the beginning. Something about this man is not quite right. You can’t put your finger on it, and you hesitate, but you get sucked into him anyway. These men are charming and can put on an act that wins your sympathy and devotion.

• If you have issues of low self-esteem, they instinctively know how to approach you and suck you in.



• If you are lonely and needy you are a big target for the man with a sociopathic personality disorder.

He makes you feel special and important. He convinces you they he has been misunderstood all his life, and you are the only one who understands him now. You feel validated and needed by this man, and he sucks you in deeper and deeper over time.

Your first warning was your gut instinct, and that was the time to run away and leave this relationship behind. Unfortunately, you didn’t, and now you are stuck in the hell that is a relationship with a sociopath. We all need to pay attention to the red flags, warning signs, gut instincts. We can learn to recognize the sociopath and never get sucked into him again.

The words sociopathic, psychopathic, and antisocial personality all mean the same thing and are a true mental illness, a psychosis. The three terms are interchangeable and have only different areas of focus such as socialization or criminal behavior. We will use the word sociopath because it is the most recognizable. Psychopaths are often equated with serial murderers, and antisocial is equated with dysfunction. [But the majority of them are MUCH more subtle!] The sociopath is sometimes charming and usually looks and acts normal enough to fool us. All three terms carry the same meaning: a disorder of the personality.



The most important thing to know is that a sociopath has a brain that does not work right. In fact, he is missing a part of his brain. More specifically, he is missing one of the building blocks of his personality. This is important to understand because it explains the seriousness of this disorder and why it cannot be treated or fixed or cured.

The part of his brain that is missing shapes his conscience, and because it is missing, he does not have one. The sociopath does not feel guilt, remorse or shame like the rest of us feel when we do something bad or wrong. He is not capable of feeling guilt or shame because he is missing that piece of his personality. It also means he does not have the boundaries, restraints on his behavior or impulse control that the rest of us do so he will do things that are outrageous, things that normal personalities would never consider doing.

The bad news for you is that this personality disorder cannot be fixed. You cannot fix him, and he cannot fix himself. No therapy or drug can fix this personality disorder because a part of his brain is missing. With long-term therapy some of the symptoms might be lessened, or the sociopath might learn to live more productively in society, but it cannot be fixed. This is why the most important piece of advice for the person involved with a sociopath is to leave. Get him out of your life. Run, don’t walk, away from him and never, ever go back.

A good comparison, something to help you understand the medical implications of this disorder, is to compare it to a disease of the eye. Diseases and disorders of the eye can be treated, like glaucoma, astigmatism, nearsightedness, etc., with medicine, eyeglasses, or laser surgery. Color blindness, however, can NOT be treated, because the person is missing the color cones and rods in the eye. A doctor cannot fix what is not there to begin with. This is why the sociopath, with a part of his personality missing, cannot be fixed. No doctor or therapist can put back what wasn’t there to begin with, and the sociopath is missing an actual building block of his personality, deep within his brain.

This explains why you sometimes feel like his brain just doesn’t work right. He lies, uses you, manipulates, bleeds you dry, rages, begs forgiveness, and then does it all over again without any guilt, remorse or shame.

Are you the one who is crazy, you ask yourself? No. His brain really does not work right.

Understanding and accepting this fact will help you leave the sociopath and make your life right again with normal men and healthy relationships.

ORIGINAL

READ MORE:
Part 2
Part 3

While this article uses the male gender, your sociopath/ narcissist/ cyberpath may well be female.

Can boredom Create a Cyberpath?

The below by Steve Becker talks about sociopaths and boredom. EOPC agrees cyberpathy is a form of sociopath's and narcissist's acting out by preying on others via the internet. Give this a good read! - EOPC

by Steve Becker, MSW, LCSW
What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?

Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.

Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.

However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.

I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.

That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.

Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.

The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.

I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.

Now we might still say, big deal?…doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?

What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.

In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the non-sociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.

Intellectually, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.

And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.

The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.

At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.

(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed.) -SB

Married Con Man Uses PlentyofFish for Affair

By Patricia Kane

(U.K.) As Victoria Fraenzel logged on to the internet dating site for the first time, she was uncertain what response she would receive to her request for a man who would offer her ‘truth and honesty’. Yet within hours of keying her details into the popular website Plenty Of Fish, the 35-year-old was not disappointed with the response.

Darren Upton, a wealthy accountant in his late 30s, quickly got in touch and within days had charmed his way into her life and, soon after, her bed. They had an 18-month affair as he lavished expensive gifts on her, including a £3,000 Cartier watch, designer dresses by film-star favourite Amanda Wakeley and a Mercedes sports car.

Last week, however, Upton was finally exposed as a conman and jailed for six years for stealing hundreds of thousands of pounds from his clients so he could live a life of luxury.

Today Victoria tells how she foolishly fell for Upton’s lies, of the lifestyle they both enjoyed during their fling and her feelings of betrayal at discovering he was not single, as he had claimed, but married. His wife even had a daughter by him during their affair.

Victoria also reveals her shock at the extent of his fraud and of her anger at being labelled ‘greedy’ as the main beneficiary of his embezzled funds. She said: ‘I’ve been made out to be a terrible hussy who had thousands of pounds lavished on her by a married man. But I am not that sort of person. I’m not grasping or greedy. I didn’t ask him for anything. I just wanted to be with him. It was never about the money or the sex.’

Close to tears, she added: ‘After a series of bad relationships, I just wanted someone who wanted to give me a hug and love me. Darren appeared to be that man. I had finally found someone who seemed to genuinely care about me and made me feel special. He was kind and caring. That’s all I wanted – but it was all a lie.’

In total, the accountant cheated 33 clients by not passing to the taxman £500,000 they had paid him. On Thursday, at Leeds Crown Court, he admitted 15 fraud offences between January 2010 and June last year. He also asked for 23 similar offences to be taken into consideration.

Passing sentence, Judge Sally Cahill QC said the crimes were committed for ‘pure selfish greed’. She told him: ‘You were thoroughly dishonest and motivated by greed. This was a gross breach of trust, it was planned from the offset and fraudulent from the offset. I consider this to be professional offending at a high level.’

For Victoria, now 36, the last eight months since discovering the truth have been filled with remorse and self-reproach at being duped so easily. She thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with Upton, with plans to ‘retire’ to the Bahamas in October, where he claimed to have a beachside property.

‘He told me we would get married and we would be happy there together,’ said Victoria. ‘I had no idea he already had a wife and a daughter who had been born during our relationship. I was shocked beyond words when I finally discovered the truth. I’m still struggling to take in the extent of his lies. Nothing in his behaviour ever made me suspicious. I feel very stupid now but I believed everything he said.’

This was not Victoria’s first ‘bad experience’ with men. One of her former partners was Bryan Garvey – who had shared an £18.5 million National Lottery jackpot with four other winners before she met him. ‘My relationship with Bryan ended acrimoniously and it took nearly four years before I thought of looking for someone else,’ she said.

‘Once bitten, twice shy, so it was a really big decision for me to start dating again, and I thought an internet site might help me find someone more compatible. It was my first time on the site and on my posting, I remember saying I was looking for “truth, honesty… a real person”.

‘I cringe now looking back because hindsight is a wonderful thing. Darren got in touch within hours and after a couple of days of online chat, we agreed to meet in a pub in Preston. I remember him sending me a photograph at one point and I saw a wedding ring on his finger. When I said, “That looks like you’re married,” he replied that he’d been engaged but it was now over.’

Meeting him for the first time, however, was a shock for 6ft Victoria – who was a model in her teenage years. She explained: ‘I’m not unattractive and I’m used to dating good-looking men, so it was a bit of a shock to meet Darren in the flesh. My first impression was that he was ugly but his banter and charm made me see him in a different light and in the end I agreed to meet him again.’

They met a few days later, again in Preston, and this time, keen to impress, he picked her up in his Bentley with personalised number plates DJU. The court would hear that Upton had also already bought his wife, Tina, a Maserati. He had also splashed out on a £10,000 box at Leeds United Football Club and even spent £3,000 on a model railway.

Within a few dates, Upton would whisk Victoria off to his £500,000 penthouse flat in an upmarket area of Leeds, overlooking the River Aire and the city skyline. Exquisitely decorated with white leather sofas and state-of-the-art home-entertainment equipment, including a large plasma TV, Upton told her he lived there alone.

As the relationship became more intimate, Upton’s gifts became more lavish. He bought her a Cartier watch, as well as diamond earrings, and several thousands of pounds worth of designer clothes and accessories from Harvey Nichols, including a number of Mulberry handbags. In one shopping spree alone, he blew more than £2,000 on two dresses by Amanda Wakeley – a favourite of Charlize Theron, Scarlett Johansson and Kate Winslet.

From October 2010, he also began paying £800-a-month rent on another apartment in Salford, Greater Manchester, where Victoria would sometimes stay with him when she was not at her own home in nearby Altrincham. He gave her a bank card with a £500 limit to buy anything for the flat.

The couple ate at the best restaurants in Manchester, such as San Carlo and Rosso, favourites of Premier League footballers. They had been dating for about six months when a smitten Upton bought Victoria a black Mercedes sports car.

She said: ‘He had been talking about it for some time. I was gobsmacked at his generosity but if he said he would get me something, he always did. He had the car delivered to my home. I just jumped into the car in excitement and went for a drive. Now I know he was a conman but at that time I loved him more than ever.’ For Victoria it was not an entirely new lifestyle, having grown up with indulgent, wealthy parents on a sprawling farm near Blackburn.

At an early age, she had learned to ride horses and was a competitive showjumper before turning her back on the sport in her teens. When her father committed suicide eight years ago, he left Victoria independently wealthy and with no need to rely on Upton’s generosity. She said: ‘It really angers me that people might think I was desperate for him to spend all this money on me and that I was in the relationship to gain financially. I didn’t need him to buy me any of those things. It was nice, of course, and he wanted to do it. But if I’d known it was all paid for with stolen money, I would never have touched him or his gifts.’

As her relationship with Upton deepened, he began to be more careless, even taking her along to his offices – while his wife was off work nursing their baby daughter – for sex sessions during working hours.

She recalled: ‘The staff all knew who I was yet they never said a word to his wife. We had sex pretty much everywhere in his office: on the desk, on the floor, anywhere we could make it exciting. I was so happy to be with someone who was so caring and considerate. He never mentioned a wife and certainly not his new baby daughter. One of the memories that turns my stomach now is when we were out one night at dinner and he produced some photographs of a baby girl. He told me she was his new niece – but in fact it was his own daughter, who was just a few months old. Later he sent more photographs of her to my phone. That makes me really angry now to think that he would deny his own daughter as well as betraying his wife.’

Victoria would remain in ignorance until June last year when, unable to get through to Upton on his mobile phone one day, she rang his office.

‘I asked if Darren was there and a secretary said, “I’ll let you speak to his wife” and transferred the call. I felt numb with shock. Tina Upton [who was also the company secretary] answered and told me Darren was being questioned by police over financial irregularities. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Not only was I having to take in that he had a wife I hadn’t known anything about, but he was in some sort of financial trouble. Then, without asking me outright if I was Darren’s mistress, Tina suddenly said that she’d suspected her husband was having an affair for some time but “had not pursued it”.

‘I felt distraught and hung up. Soon afterwards, I got a visit from police at the apartment in Manchester. They confirmed what I now knew – that Darren was married and had committed fraud. My Mercedes was taken away and the apartment lease terminated. It was a nightmare of unimaginable proportions and the man I had thought better than all the others who had gone before, turned out to be the biggest b*****d of the lot. How could he do this to a woman who had just given birth to his child? I would never have started seeing him if I had known the truth. It’s despicable.’

‘I felt very foolish. How could I have been so hoodwinked? Life had come crashing down and I found out this wonderful man who had made me feel so complete was already married with a child and had cheated those poor people out of hundreds of thousands of pounds. It was horrendous. Not only did I feel sorry for them but I felt very sorry for his wife. She’s the true victim. How could he do this to a woman who had just given birth to his child? I would never have started seeing him if I had known the truth. It’s despicable.’

The subsequent investigation discovered the total value of Upton’s fraud was £532,000. The firm had about 800 clients, mainly small computer companies, and instead of paying his clients’ corporation tax to the taxman, Upton diverted the cash into his own account. His clients even ended up having to pay penalties for unpaid tax when his crimes were exposed.

Upton had previously been investigated and forced to pay compensation for an unauthorised investment scheme but had continued to commit offences when he was on bail.

Victoria did not attend court last week, having now washed her hands of Upton. She said: ‘I couldn’t bear it. It has brought back too many painful memories. But I want people to know I am not to blame for any of this. I didn’t make him do any of it. He lied to me too.’

The prosecution said many of the clients he deceived felt betrayed as they regarded him as a friend. Other victims said their businesses had been left close to collapse and they had suffered ill health.

Upton’s defence team claimed he made a legitimate annual profit of £250,000, but began offending because he was forced to repay £840,000 to the Financial Services Authority in monthly instalments of £10,000 over the earlier investment scheme, which had not led to criminal charges. Not prepared to cut back on his lifestyle, he then started to misappropriate clients’ funds.

Victoria was never investigated by police, who accepted she had no knowledge of where the funds were coming from. Heartbroken by Upton’s deception, she has attempted to move on, and has thrown her energy into building up her own beauty business. She also had brief relationships with two international footballers since her relationship with Upton ended. Despite everything he has put her through, however, Victoria cannot bring herself to hate Upton.

She said: ‘He hasn’t done me any real harm – he was always a true gentleman to me and I will always remember that about him. He has been described as arrogant but I never saw that side of him. But what he did to his clients, as well as his wife and daughter, was unforgivable. He deserves to be in prison for what he did to them.

original article here

Woman Thinks Boyfriend is Still Browsing Online Dating Sites

Dear Harriette:
I'm in a committed relationship with a guy I met on a dating Web site seven months ago. Things between us are good, but I have a feeling he's still "fishing" on the same Web site and I don't know how to ask him about it. When he suggested we become exclusive, I told him I wanted us to remove our profiles since we weren't going to see other people any longer. He agreed, but never took his profile off.

I didn't let it bother me at first because he never gave me a reason not to trust him. Lately however, I noticed that he goes on the site every few days. He says he's a "one-woman type of guy" and doesn't want to date anyone else.

But I don't trust him. How can I ask him if he is still looking, without sounding too accusing and psychotic? I'd have to admit that I check his profile, and that does not look too good. How I can resolve this without scaring him away?

Tati, Dallas, Texas
******
Tati:

Before you start feeling "too accusing and psychotic," come clean with him. Sit down with your boyfriend and admit what you have discovered and how you learned it. Explain to him that you had an inkling that he might not have "taken himself off the market," and, trusting your instincts, you checked.

Lo and behold, you discovered he had not done what he had agreed to do with you, namely take his profile off the dating site. Ask him why he has chosen to remain "out there" and available. Without threatening, probe to learn what he's thinking.

Tell him you enjoy his company and would like to believe what he says, that he doesn't want to date anyone else, but that his actions say otherwise. His response will cue you into your next steps.

Truth be told, his behavior already has told you what you need to know.

http://www.harriettecole.com

(EOPC's response: First, you met him Online and now you say you are in a COMMITTED relationship? Can't be very committed if you don't trust him.

Second, you had every right to check on his online activities. If he gets angry - we wouldn't be worried about scaring him away. Frankly, we would put his butt right back on the curb.

And try another route to meeting someone. NO MORE ONLINE DATING. Volunteer, work on YOU. The chances of meeting a decent person online and not a predator by our estimates? 1000 to 1.

Our gut says, honey - you got a Player! Let him go play somewhere else!)

Perfect Prey: Surviving a Cyber Shark's Romantic Fraud

Liz Cole was victimized by an online career con artist - but she turned the tables to expose the con man on national television. Much of this book is written as a real time journal, taking readers inside the world of Liz Cole and her suitor, convict and predator John Melvin Hill.


Recently divorced, with low self-esteem, Liz Cole turned to online dating and met a charming Irishman - in reality, a Quebec con artist - who preyed on her and vanished. She then found him and set up a televised sting operation and has great advice.

Millions use Internet-dating sites to look for love. Some find their mates, some find disappointment. And some fine something far more dangerous - con artists and sex predators lurking in the shadows of cyberspace. -- CTV's W-Five

What do you do when your charming knight on a white horse turns out to be Satan in a tuxedo? (this is the true story of how one woman fought back) -- Canadian Living Magazine

buy the book here