The SEXUAL ADDICTION Affair

(note: Many CYBERPATHS are sex addicts who use the internet to hide their real purposes behind pretty words and promises. "I love you" seems to be their way into your bed. It is cheaper than a hooker or more fun to twist someone's emotions and then dump them because you view everyone as an OBJECT. Many of these Cyberpaths are narcissistic psychopaths who are emotionally vacant & immature to the point that many keep reliving the shallow come ons of their 'teen years' and 'being on the make' to prove their prowess and provide themselves with stimulation.)

Dr. Hare describes people he calls psychopaths as "intraspecies predators who use charm, manipulation, intimidation, sex and [threats] to control others and to satisfy their own selfish needs."

(SEE ALSO: "Don Juan as Psychopath")

Here is an article on this sort of "affair" - real or cyber - EOPC)

By: Dr. Robert Huizenga

One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying "NO." He/she may want to, but feels compelled to say "yes."

People can't say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level, to say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that level to firmly say no and mean it.

Some are stuck and seem to lack the ability to consistently act on the no. Please remember that all of us are grabbed by something and then find it difficult to let go. Infidelity when connected to sexual addiction and its many forms, however, becomes a powerful focal point.

How to know if infidelity (or Cyberpathy) is attached to sexual addiction:

1. Sex takes on an inflated role or value. Sex, sexual conquest, sexual release becomes a powerful force. Acting on the sexual impulse is a frequent activity. Thinking about sex likewise consumes an inordinate amount of time. Multiple ways of acting out sexually (internet porn, strip clubs, multiple sex partners, online affairs, email lists full of 'contacts', profiles full of fake information or membership on sites catering to dating, prostitutes and/ or those who frequent them, membership on sites for sexual liaisons, etc.) are common.

2. This activity is bound by fear. The person lives with fear: the fear of getting caught, the fear of consequences, the fear of being found out, the fear of being abnormal, the fear of being punished, and the fear of losing family, spouse, job and respect.

3. A promise/ failure cycle ebbs and flows with the inability to say no. After an acting out episode the person usually experiences guilt/fear and promises to self or others, I won't do it again. This will last... until the urge is acted upon again. The spouse/partner may be aware or unaware (but sense that something is not right) of the roller coaster and succession of broken promises.

4. Others are used or seen as objects for personal gratification. No true intimacy is developed.

5. Sexuality sometimes confused with other needs or connected to unresolved past pain or trauma. A child who experiences confusion around sexuality or sexual abuse of one form or another, may carry along that confusion and attempt to work that through in a marriage or extramarital affairs.

6. Such a person lives in a distorted world. They come to see the world and relationship through the eyes of their addiction. They have a great capacity to rationalize their behavior, deceive others and may lead a dual life. (Or be a Pathological Predator, such as a Cyberpath)

Tip: If you suspect these characteristics fit you or someone you love (even someone you know online), get some help for yourself before your world disintegrates further or falls apart.
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There are many things in our culture that grab us and won't let go. Sometimes sex is one of them. Perhaps that's the case for you or your spouse/partner.

These questions are intended to help you be more aware of some behaviors that perhaps indicate that sex has a hold on you. If you answer yes to three or more questions it probably is wise to take a closer look at the place of sex in your life.

1) Do I have sex at inappropriate times, inappropriate places and/or with the wrong people?

2) Do I make promises to myself or rules for myself concerning my sexual behavior that I find I cannot follow?

3) Have I lost count of the number of sexual partners I've had in the past 3 years?

4) Do I have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, oral or genital STDS, etc.)? (condoms don't protect against everything. Viruses can be transmitted and live on the skin, in the mouth and so on for months and be transmitted to the spouse/ partner -- no matter how clean you think you are)

5) Do I feel uncomfortable about my masturbation, the fantasies I engage in, the props I use, and/or the places in which I do it?

6) Do I feel jaded, exhausted, cynical? Am I on the path to that?

7) Do I feel that my life is unmanageable because of my sexual behavior?

8) Do I have sex as a way to deal with or escape from life's problems? Do I feel entitled to sex? Do I feel as though I have earned sex?

9) Do I have a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity on my part?

10) Do I feel that my sexual life affects my spiritual life in a negative way?

Married Con Man Uses PlentyofFish for Affair

By Patricia Kane

(U.K.) As Victoria Fraenzel logged on to the internet dating site for the first time, she was uncertain what response she would receive to her request for a man who would offer her ‘truth and honesty’. Yet within hours of keying her details into the popular website Plenty Of Fish, the 35-year-old was not disappointed with the response.

Darren Upton, a wealthy accountant in his late 30s, quickly got in touch and within days had charmed his way into her life and, soon after, her bed. They had an 18-month affair as he lavished expensive gifts on her, including a £3,000 Cartier watch, designer dresses by film-star favourite Amanda Wakeley and a Mercedes sports car.

Last week, however, Upton was finally exposed as a conman and jailed for six years for stealing hundreds of thousands of pounds from his clients so he could live a life of luxury.

Today Victoria tells how she foolishly fell for Upton’s lies, of the lifestyle they both enjoyed during their fling and her feelings of betrayal at discovering he was not single, as he had claimed, but married. His wife even had a daughter by him during their affair.

Victoria also reveals her shock at the extent of his fraud and of her anger at being labelled ‘greedy’ as the main beneficiary of his embezzled funds. She said: ‘I’ve been made out to be a terrible hussy who had thousands of pounds lavished on her by a married man. But I am not that sort of person. I’m not grasping or greedy. I didn’t ask him for anything. I just wanted to be with him. It was never about the money or the sex.’

Close to tears, she added: ‘After a series of bad relationships, I just wanted someone who wanted to give me a hug and love me. Darren appeared to be that man. I had finally found someone who seemed to genuinely care about me and made me feel special. He was kind and caring. That’s all I wanted – but it was all a lie.’

In total, the accountant cheated 33 clients by not passing to the taxman £500,000 they had paid him. On Thursday, at Leeds Crown Court, he admitted 15 fraud offences between January 2010 and June last year. He also asked for 23 similar offences to be taken into consideration.

Passing sentence, Judge Sally Cahill QC said the crimes were committed for ‘pure selfish greed’. She told him: ‘You were thoroughly dishonest and motivated by greed. This was a gross breach of trust, it was planned from the offset and fraudulent from the offset. I consider this to be professional offending at a high level.’

For Victoria, now 36, the last eight months since discovering the truth have been filled with remorse and self-reproach at being duped so easily. She thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with Upton, with plans to ‘retire’ to the Bahamas in October, where he claimed to have a beachside property.

‘He told me we would get married and we would be happy there together,’ said Victoria. ‘I had no idea he already had a wife and a daughter who had been born during our relationship. I was shocked beyond words when I finally discovered the truth. I’m still struggling to take in the extent of his lies. Nothing in his behaviour ever made me suspicious. I feel very stupid now but I believed everything he said.’

This was not Victoria’s first ‘bad experience’ with men. One of her former partners was Bryan Garvey – who had shared an £18.5 million National Lottery jackpot with four other winners before she met him. ‘My relationship with Bryan ended acrimoniously and it took nearly four years before I thought of looking for someone else,’ she said.

‘Once bitten, twice shy, so it was a really big decision for me to start dating again, and I thought an internet site might help me find someone more compatible. It was my first time on the site and on my posting, I remember saying I was looking for “truth, honesty… a real person”.

‘I cringe now looking back because hindsight is a wonderful thing. Darren got in touch within hours and after a couple of days of online chat, we agreed to meet in a pub in Preston. I remember him sending me a photograph at one point and I saw a wedding ring on his finger. When I said, “That looks like you’re married,” he replied that he’d been engaged but it was now over.’

Meeting him for the first time, however, was a shock for 6ft Victoria – who was a model in her teenage years. She explained: ‘I’m not unattractive and I’m used to dating good-looking men, so it was a bit of a shock to meet Darren in the flesh. My first impression was that he was ugly but his banter and charm made me see him in a different light and in the end I agreed to meet him again.’

They met a few days later, again in Preston, and this time, keen to impress, he picked her up in his Bentley with personalised number plates DJU. The court would hear that Upton had also already bought his wife, Tina, a Maserati. He had also splashed out on a £10,000 box at Leeds United Football Club and even spent £3,000 on a model railway.

Within a few dates, Upton would whisk Victoria off to his £500,000 penthouse flat in an upmarket area of Leeds, overlooking the River Aire and the city skyline. Exquisitely decorated with white leather sofas and state-of-the-art home-entertainment equipment, including a large plasma TV, Upton told her he lived there alone.

As the relationship became more intimate, Upton’s gifts became more lavish. He bought her a Cartier watch, as well as diamond earrings, and several thousands of pounds worth of designer clothes and accessories from Harvey Nichols, including a number of Mulberry handbags. In one shopping spree alone, he blew more than £2,000 on two dresses by Amanda Wakeley – a favourite of Charlize Theron, Scarlett Johansson and Kate Winslet.

From October 2010, he also began paying £800-a-month rent on another apartment in Salford, Greater Manchester, where Victoria would sometimes stay with him when she was not at her own home in nearby Altrincham. He gave her a bank card with a £500 limit to buy anything for the flat.

The couple ate at the best restaurants in Manchester, such as San Carlo and Rosso, favourites of Premier League footballers. They had been dating for about six months when a smitten Upton bought Victoria a black Mercedes sports car.

She said: ‘He had been talking about it for some time. I was gobsmacked at his generosity but if he said he would get me something, he always did. He had the car delivered to my home. I just jumped into the car in excitement and went for a drive. Now I know he was a conman but at that time I loved him more than ever.’ For Victoria it was not an entirely new lifestyle, having grown up with indulgent, wealthy parents on a sprawling farm near Blackburn.

At an early age, she had learned to ride horses and was a competitive showjumper before turning her back on the sport in her teens. When her father committed suicide eight years ago, he left Victoria independently wealthy and with no need to rely on Upton’s generosity. She said: ‘It really angers me that people might think I was desperate for him to spend all this money on me and that I was in the relationship to gain financially. I didn’t need him to buy me any of those things. It was nice, of course, and he wanted to do it. But if I’d known it was all paid for with stolen money, I would never have touched him or his gifts.’

As her relationship with Upton deepened, he began to be more careless, even taking her along to his offices – while his wife was off work nursing their baby daughter – for sex sessions during working hours.

She recalled: ‘The staff all knew who I was yet they never said a word to his wife. We had sex pretty much everywhere in his office: on the desk, on the floor, anywhere we could make it exciting. I was so happy to be with someone who was so caring and considerate. He never mentioned a wife and certainly not his new baby daughter. One of the memories that turns my stomach now is when we were out one night at dinner and he produced some photographs of a baby girl. He told me she was his new niece – but in fact it was his own daughter, who was just a few months old. Later he sent more photographs of her to my phone. That makes me really angry now to think that he would deny his own daughter as well as betraying his wife.’

Victoria would remain in ignorance until June last year when, unable to get through to Upton on his mobile phone one day, she rang his office.

‘I asked if Darren was there and a secretary said, “I’ll let you speak to his wife” and transferred the call. I felt numb with shock. Tina Upton [who was also the company secretary] answered and told me Darren was being questioned by police over financial irregularities. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Not only was I having to take in that he had a wife I hadn’t known anything about, but he was in some sort of financial trouble. Then, without asking me outright if I was Darren’s mistress, Tina suddenly said that she’d suspected her husband was having an affair for some time but “had not pursued it”.

‘I felt distraught and hung up. Soon afterwards, I got a visit from police at the apartment in Manchester. They confirmed what I now knew – that Darren was married and had committed fraud. My Mercedes was taken away and the apartment lease terminated. It was a nightmare of unimaginable proportions and the man I had thought better than all the others who had gone before, turned out to be the biggest b*****d of the lot. How could he do this to a woman who had just given birth to his child? I would never have started seeing him if I had known the truth. It’s despicable.’

‘I felt very foolish. How could I have been so hoodwinked? Life had come crashing down and I found out this wonderful man who had made me feel so complete was already married with a child and had cheated those poor people out of hundreds of thousands of pounds. It was horrendous. Not only did I feel sorry for them but I felt very sorry for his wife. She’s the true victim. How could he do this to a woman who had just given birth to his child? I would never have started seeing him if I had known the truth. It’s despicable.’

The subsequent investigation discovered the total value of Upton’s fraud was £532,000. The firm had about 800 clients, mainly small computer companies, and instead of paying his clients’ corporation tax to the taxman, Upton diverted the cash into his own account. His clients even ended up having to pay penalties for unpaid tax when his crimes were exposed.

Upton had previously been investigated and forced to pay compensation for an unauthorised investment scheme but had continued to commit offences when he was on bail.

Victoria did not attend court last week, having now washed her hands of Upton. She said: ‘I couldn’t bear it. It has brought back too many painful memories. But I want people to know I am not to blame for any of this. I didn’t make him do any of it. He lied to me too.’

The prosecution said many of the clients he deceived felt betrayed as they regarded him as a friend. Other victims said their businesses had been left close to collapse and they had suffered ill health.

Upton’s defence team claimed he made a legitimate annual profit of £250,000, but began offending because he was forced to repay £840,000 to the Financial Services Authority in monthly instalments of £10,000 over the earlier investment scheme, which had not led to criminal charges. Not prepared to cut back on his lifestyle, he then started to misappropriate clients’ funds.

Victoria was never investigated by police, who accepted she had no knowledge of where the funds were coming from. Heartbroken by Upton’s deception, she has attempted to move on, and has thrown her energy into building up her own beauty business. She also had brief relationships with two international footballers since her relationship with Upton ended. Despite everything he has put her through, however, Victoria cannot bring herself to hate Upton.

She said: ‘He hasn’t done me any real harm – he was always a true gentleman to me and I will always remember that about him. He has been described as arrogant but I never saw that side of him. But what he did to his clients, as well as his wife and daughter, was unforgivable. He deserves to be in prison for what he did to them.

original article here

CYBER AFFAIRS

Cyber affairs are the ‘flavor of the day’ when it comes to infidelity and extramarital affairs. The internet now ties with the workplace as the leading place for cheaters of both sexes to find willing partners with whom to have extramarital affairs. It has removed most of the risks associated with cheating on your mate.

Gone are the days when a would-be-cheater had to physically leave home to seek out someone with whom to have an affair. Now it can all be done in cyberspace without the risk of running into family members, nosy neighbors, or inquisitive friends and workmates. With a few clicks of the mouse, a potential cheater has instant access to an endless array of willing partners. A cyber affair can be easily initiated and conducted from the privacy of your home, with your unsuspecting spouse or significant other in the same room, oblivious to what is going on.

Is a Cyber Affair Cheating?
Cyber affairs are actually a form of emotional infidelity. Although in the early stages, there’s no sex involved, most emotional infidelity eventually leads to sexual infidelity if left unchecked . But men and women view cyber affairs very differently.

Most men don’t consider cyber affairs as cheating. However women view them quite differently. A survey in Divorce Magazine found that only 46 percent of men considered intense internet relationships to be infidelity, compared to 72 percent of women.


Are Cyber Affairs Serious?
Many people question whether or not cyber affairs should be taken seriously -- especially, if there’s no sex involved. A cyber affair is a VERY serious threat. A cyber affair should be treated as seriously as a sexual affair, because left unchecked, that’s where it will eventually end up.

In the past 10 years, divorce attorneys have reported seeing an increase in divorces and separations resulting from cyber infidelity. According to the Fortino Group, one-third of divorce litigation is caused by online affairs.

It doesn’t take much for a cyber affair to make the transition from cyberspace to the real world. Several studies have found close connections between cyber affairs and subsequent sexual affairs.

• According to statistics, 50% of people who engage in internet chats have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.

• One study found that 30 % of cyber-affairs escalate from e-mail to telephone calls to personal contact.

• Another study found that 31% of people had an online conversation which eventually led to real-time sex.

So don’t make the mistake of underestimating a cyber affair.

Signs of a Cyber Affair
How can you tell if your partner is having a cyber affair? Telltale signs of a cyber affair include sitting at the computer into the wee hours of the night, heading for the computer first thing in the morning, insisting on privacy when surfing the Net, moving the computer into a a locked office or more private area of the home, constantly changing passwords, and other suspicious behavior.

Regardless of the term you use -- cyber cheating, cyber affairs, online affairs or internet affairs, it’s a variation of emotional infidelity and should never be taken lightly.

A Fool Proof Test
People will often try to justify a cyber affair by calling it a harmless online friendship. If your partner tries to make light of your concern, or accuses you of making a big deal about nothing, there’s one way to find out for sure.

If the internet friendship is as harmless, or as innocent as your partner claims it to be, then he should have no problem with you sitting beside him, observing the exchange of correspondence back and forth. If he’s unwilling to do that, then you have your answer as to whether or not his online friendship is as harmless as he would have you believe. Safeguard your relationship by taking positive action before it’s too late.


FOR MORE CLICK HERE

"I GO ONLINE TO DESTROY YOU"

By Crystal Chan



UPSET that he was spurned by a married lecturer after a brief torrid affair, a tertiary student turned to the Internet to smear her reputation.



The year-long liaison, which took place more than 10 years ago, ended when the lecturer's husband learned about it.



Unlike the recent case when a 32-year-old teacher was jailed 10 months for having sex with an underage student, the lecturer did not break any law as her lover was not underage.



But the fallout was almost as devastating, resulting in two court actions over the years.



To try to salvage her marriage, the lecturer ended the affair.



But her husband still filed for divorce, citing adultery and naming the student as a co-respondent in the divorce papers.



The student's bitterness over the end of the affair was such that years later, he continued taking his revenge on her.



The student, who graduated here around 1996, felt that she had used him and then dumped him, alleging that she even filed a police report against him for harassment.



In one online forum posting, he wrote that many male students were attracted to the lecturer because of her striking looks. He claimed she was unhappy in her marriage and that they had sex in various places at the institution as well as her home. Sources [say]that the affair turned sour after it was uncovered by private investigators hired by the lecturer's husband. She ended the affair to try to save her marriage, but it was all in vain.



Then, as a fallout of the Internet smearing, the institution learned of the affair and asked the lecturer to leave three years ago. The institution also went all the way to the High Court to seek an injunction to prohibit the student from talking about the affair.



Lawyer Nicholas Cheong, who is not involved in the case, said the Internet postings probably affected the reputation of the institution and it had to do damage control.

He said: 'The institution has a name to protect, especially when it's known for certain courses. The last thing it would want is for people to remember it as a place where a lecturer had an affair with a student.



'Nothing sticks like bad news so the institution had to protect its image. Going to court was the only option as it no longer had the right to discipline the student.



'The institution didn't do anything wrong and the court probably agreed that its image shouldn't be tarnished. Otherwise, the injunction wouldn't be granted as everyone is entitled to freedom of expression.'

The student had gone as far as to post the lecturer's personal details and the serial number of her divorce proceedings in online forums and encouraged netizens to contact her. It also seemed that he had been watching the lecturer's movements, as he posted details of where she parked her car on campus and even the time she got home. He found out where the lecturer is now working and posted this information on the Internet too.



The student invited netizens to e-mail him if they wanted 'hard-copy evidence' of his affair, including documents related to her divorce.



Some netizens asked for the lecturer's photo, which the student offered to e-mail to individual requesters.



However, other netizens criticized the student for his vindictive actions.



(EOPC notes there is a difference between exposing a predator and revenge. We do not encourage or approve of the latter. Don't be confused when Cyberpaths use a story such as this to try to further smear their victims. Not the same thing at all!



Many of our cyberpaths say their victims are merely 'spurned' or 'scorned' but there is NO COMPARISON between an affair ending - as in this story - and the PREDATORY TACTICS of a Cyberpath and their terrorization of their victims for telling the truth.)



Mr Cheong said the lecturer could report the student to the police for harassment as he had posted her personal details on the Internet and urged others to question her about the liaison. He added that if the student continues to talk about the affair, he could be charged with contempt of court, which could result in a jail term and a fine.



The lecturer now teaches at another institution under a different name.



EXCERPTED FROM THIS ARTICLE



Some examples of our Cyberpaths being vindictive after their exposure:



ONE



TWO



THREE





If you have your own example of your Cyberpath, Harasser or Predator being vindictive to you after you discovered the truth - please write us with your example.



Almost ALL of our exposed Cyberpaths have threated EOPC and their victims but stop when they realize a court case involving the victims would reveal the truth about their predatory actions and the veracity of the exposure.

Craigslist Affair Ends With Restraining Order

by John Ramsey

An extramarital affair that began on Craigslist has cost the former top enlisted Special Forces Command Soldier his position and is forcing him to retire early, he testified in Cumberland County court Friday.

Former Command Sgt. Maj. Mario Vigil took the stand Friday morning to ask Chief District Court Judge Beth Keever to order Connie Delaine Pruitt to stop contacting him and his family. Keever ordered Pruitt, who did not show up for the hearing, to follow a one-year restraining order that prohibits any direct or indirect contact with Vigil or his family.

Pruitt, of Durham County, says in court documents that she is pregnant with Vigil's child. In the military, adultery is a crime. She did not immediately return a call from a reporter Friday.

Vigil on Friday admitted to the affair and said he now just wants Pruitt to leave him alone so he and his wife can work to repair their marriage.

"I wish this court action would not have been necessary, but I was at my wit's end on how to protect myself and my family from further harassment from Connie Pruitt," Vigil said.

Vigil said he met with Pruitt three times after answering her Craigslist ad last September seeking men for sex. The third time, he said he told her he wanted to stop their relationship. That's when she told him she was pregnant. In court filings, Pruitt says she is expecting a child Aug. 2.

Vigil said he isn't sure whether she is pregnant or whether the baby is his.

"She wanted me to pay her," he said.

On Feb. 15, Vigil and his wife sent an email to Pruitt notifying her that they would consider any further attempts to contact them as harassment. But Pruitt didn't stop. She sent letters detailing the affair to Vigil's relatives and in-laws. After Feb. 15, she sent Vigil 65 text messages and more than 10 emails, he testified.

She dropped off packages at his workplace, including one that contained a poem, baby clothes and a sonogram picture.

On April 19, Vigil asked for a restraining order against Pruitt. His court date was delayed multiple times before Friday.

Vigil said he told his priest, his wife and his chain of command about his infidelity before Pruitt could go to them.

Pruitt, he said, kept asking for money. At one point, he gave her $480 for an abortion.

Documents from the military investigation into the affair say the adultery was substantiated, but there was no evidence to support Pruitt's other claim that Vigil shared classified information with her.

Vigil in 2008 became the top noncommissioned officer in the U.S. Army Special Forces Command, which includes about 14,000 Soldiers. He has served about 30 years in the Army, 4 1/2 years deployed in Desert Storm and the current wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Due to the investigation into the affair, he was relieved from his position as command sergeant major of Special Forces Command and received a letter of reprimand from Lt. Gen. John F. Mulholland, commander of the United States Army Special Operations Command.

Vigil said his retirement should be final within six months.

"Bottom line, I was wrong. I should never have been in a relationship with her," Vigil said Friday outside the courtroom. "I'll take my lumps for it, and I have, and I'll move on."

original article here

"CUCKOLD CASE" - Testing the Limits of the Internet

A plumber who used the internet to highlight his wife's affair with a director of one of the world's largest financial companies will appear in court on harassment charges. Lawyers believe the case could help define the limits of free expression on the internet.

Ian Puddick, 41, from east London, was incensed after learning that his wife had conducted a 10-year relationship with her boss, a director of Guy Carpenter, a reinsurance company that advises clients on risk management.

Puddick set up a series of websites, a Twitter account and a blog to draw attention to the affair, alleging that the director, who he named, was pursuing an affair with his wife on the company's time and expenses – a claim rejected by Guy Carpenter. The company maintains Puddick's actions forced the director to leave his position due to stress.

Puddick's legal team are expected to use the three-day hearing at Westminster magistrates court to examine the actions of the City of London police, which dispatched its serious crime unit to raid his home and office in search of evidence.

Puddick's legal team is seeking to summon a number of Guy Carpenter's executives to appear at his trial, a move that promises unwanted publicity for a company that likes to keep a relatively low profile. Internal Guy Carpenter emails obtained by Puddick's legal team and seen by the Observer show that the firm employed a subsidiary – Kroll, a global private investigation agency used by many blue chip companies – in its quest to establish that Puddick was waging a harassment campaign.

Kroll briefed Guy Carpenter executives that the police had "offered significant assistance" in dealing with Puddick, whom it believed might be "dangerously unstable". One Kroll director emailed several Guy Carpenter executives on 23 July 2009, following a meeting with City police. "They … warn that the penalties for harassment are not very severe, unless you reoffend, and that the prosecution will be out of our control once the police and the Criminal Prosecution Service agree there is a case to answer. We should remember Puddick may relish the prospect of a day in court."

The email continues: "The civil route has the advantage of us being able to cease the prosecution at any stage, and tougher penalties. However, if the police take this on we can avoid being seen to have any role in prosecuting Puddick, which also has advantages. One way to combine the two may be to talk to Puddick post arrest, and warn him of our options in the civil courts to stop him reoffending."

The case is likely to be watched closely by legal and media experts as the battle to regulate what is disseminated over the internet is waged in the courts. Recent cases involving new media and super-injunctions have also raised questions on whether regulating the net inhibits freedom of speech.

Michael Wolkind QC, representing Puddick, said his client intended to defend his actions. "This case is about Mr Puddick's right to express his feelings about another person's immorality. Ian Puddick dared to speak out about his wife's affair and it has cost the public £1m for the extraordinary investigation carried out by an unusually enthusiastic police alongside an elite security firm."

Puddick's legal team say his home has been burgled and files were stolen as well as some valuables. However, following a police investigation, there is nothing to suggest that Guy Carpenter or Kroll were involved in any illegal activity.

Puddick is now reconciled with his wife.

• This article was amended on 12 June 2011


original article here
As seen in the U.S.A.'s recent First Amendment decision on the Westboro Church ruling, Puddick would be covered by Free Speech in America. As long as one makes no threats or publishes personal information such as phone, address, children, spouse, jobs etc... they are covered in the U.S.A. by the First Amendment.

"CUCKOLD CASE" - Testing the Limits of the Internet

A plumber who used the internet to highlight his wife's affair with a director of one of the world's largest financial companies will appear in court on harassment charges. Lawyers believe the case could help define the limits of free expression on the internet.

Ian Puddick, 41, from east London, was incensed after learning that his wife had conducted a 10-year relationship with her boss, a director of Guy Carpenter, a reinsurance company that advises clients on risk management.

Puddick set up a series of websites, a Twitter account and a blog to draw attention to the affair, alleging that the director, who he named, was pursuing an affair with his wife on the company's time and expenses – a claim rejected by Guy Carpenter. The company maintains Puddick's actions forced the director to leave his position due to stress.

Puddick's legal team are expected to use the three-day hearing at Westminster magistrates court to examine the actions of the City of London police, which dispatched its serious crime unit to raid his home and office in search of evidence.

Puddick's legal team is seeking to summon a number of Guy Carpenter's executives to appear at his trial, a move that promises unwanted publicity for a company that likes to keep a relatively low profile. Internal Guy Carpenter emails obtained by Puddick's legal team and seen by the Observer show that the firm employed a subsidiary – Kroll, a global private investigation agency used by many blue chip companies – in its quest to establish that Puddick was waging a harassment campaign.

Kroll briefed Guy Carpenter executives that the police had "offered significant assistance" in dealing with Puddick, whom it believed might be "dangerously unstable". One Kroll director emailed several Guy Carpenter executives on 23 July 2009, following a meeting with City police. "They … warn that the penalties for harassment are not very severe, unless you reoffend, and that the prosecution will be out of our control once the police and the Criminal Prosecution Service agree there is a case to answer. We should remember Puddick may relish the prospect of a day in court."

The email continues: "The civil route has the advantage of us being able to cease the prosecution at any stage, and tougher penalties. However, if the police take this on we can avoid being seen to have any role in prosecuting Puddick, which also has advantages. One way to combine the two may be to talk to Puddick post arrest, and warn him of our options in the civil courts to stop him reoffending."

The case is likely to be watched closely by legal and media experts as the battle to regulate what is disseminated over the internet is waged in the courts. Recent cases involving new media and super-injunctions have also raised questions on whether regulating the net inhibits freedom of speech.

Michael Wolkind QC, representing Puddick, said his client intended to defend his actions. "This case is about Mr Puddick's right to express his feelings about another person's immorality. Ian Puddick dared to speak out about his wife's affair and it has cost the public £1m for the extraordinary investigation carried out by an unusually enthusiastic police alongside an elite security firm."

Puddick's legal team say his home has been burgled and files were stolen as well as some valuables. However, following a police investigation, there is nothing to suggest that Guy Carpenter or Kroll were involved in any illegal activity.

Puddick is now reconciled with his wife.

• This article was amended on 12 June 2011


original article here
As seen in the U.S.A.'s recent First Amendment decision on the Westboro Church ruling, Puddick would be covered by Free Speech in America. As long as one makes no threats or publishes personal information such as phone, address, children, spouse, jobs etc... they are covered in the U.S.A. by the First Amendment.

ALIBIS - need one?

Need an alibi? Thanks to an alert by a friend of this blog, we've learned it seems you can even BUY one!! Disgusting!

CLICK HERE:ALIBI NETWORK

Check out some of their services:

• Various Telephone Alibis.
• Renting Phone Numbers
• Untraceable Numbers
• Voice Mail Numbers, etc.

Example: HAVING A DISCREET AFFAIR OR ONLINE AFFAIR ABOUT TO GO 'OFFLINE'?

** We place a call to you in advance confirming that your seminar/training/conference is scheduled for a date and a location designated by you:

-- To call from a 'Private' phone number
-- To call from any number requested by a client

** We mail you a conference invitation along with the timetable and topics overview, backed up by our partner's company toll-free number with the trained receptionist who will be prescreening all incoming phone calls.

** We will send you an e-ticket confirmation that you will be able to print if you choose to travel to a destination different from your actual point of travel.

** We will set you up with the virtual hotel number which will be answered by a live operator 24 hours a day. The operator will greet a caller with an appropriate hotel greeting message and will handle a call according to the instructions.

** We will send you a Certificate of Completion within 10 business days from the end of training.

** We will e-mail you digital photographs of you among the students at a particular location chosen by you.

** We can make a follow up call to you from one of the "students" wanting to keep in touch with you. (His phone number could be kept for a future need.)

Escape-a-Date Service.
Our service allows you to set-up a "save me from my date" phone call at a predetermined time. In this way, we will call you at the time you wish and if your date is not going that great, we will set the tone for an immediate getaway. .

Start or Break Up Relationships.
Just let us know when and what you would like us to manage and we will handle it for you! Please fill out a simple online request form so we can personally address your relationships needs.

Private Mail Receiving Service.
** Are you concerned about the possible lack of privacy of the mail and packages currently being delivered to your home or office?

** Do you want to keep your name and physical location hidden from people or entities you are corresponding online to?

** Is someone you met online (who may perhaps, think you are single) sending you a letter or a package and you prefer they not know your actual physical location?
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Private Phone Call Services.
**Do you need us to make a phone call, but want the phone call to appear from Paris? With the Paris number showing up on the caller id of the intended party?

# Are you in Dubai, but telling your partner you are in Tokyo? Would you like to have us assign a Tokyo number to you, receive the phone call on your behalf and forward it to your number in Dubai?

# Do you want to create an impression that you are staying in a certain hotel anywhere in the world? Complete with the 24 hr hotel receptionist answering in the accent of your choice and confirming your stay?

# Do you want to create an impression that you are flying by a certain airline on a certain date anywhere in the World?

Does anyone remember honesty? Will the internet ever be safe again? - EOPC

ALIBIS - need one?

Need an alibi? Thanks to an alert by a friend of this blog, we've learned it seems you can even BUY one!! Disgusting!

CLICK HERE:ALIBI NETWORK

Check out some of their services:

• Various Telephone Alibis.
• Renting Phone Numbers
• Untraceable Numbers
• Voice Mail Numbers, etc.

Example: HAVING A DISCREET AFFAIR OR ONLINE AFFAIR ABOUT TO GO 'OFFLINE'?

** We place a call to you in advance confirming that your seminar/training/conference is scheduled for a date and a location designated by you:

-- To call from a 'Private' phone number
-- To call from any number requested by a client

** We mail you a conference invitation along with the timetable and topics overview, backed up by our partner's company toll-free number with the trained receptionist who will be prescreening all incoming phone calls.

** We will send you an e-ticket confirmation that you will be able to print if you choose to travel to a destination different from your actual point of travel.

** We will set you up with the virtual hotel number which will be answered by a live operator 24 hours a day. The operator will greet a caller with an appropriate hotel greeting message and will handle a call according to the instructions.

** We will send you a Certificate of Completion within 10 business days from the end of training.

** We will e-mail you digital photographs of you among the students at a particular location chosen by you.

** We can make a follow up call to you from one of the "students" wanting to keep in touch with you. (His phone number could be kept for a future need.)

Escape-a-Date Service.
Our service allows you to set-up a "save me from my date" phone call at a predetermined time. In this way, we will call you at the time you wish and if your date is not going that great, we will set the tone for an immediate getaway. .

Start or Break Up Relationships.
Just let us know when and what you would like us to manage and we will handle it for you! Please fill out a simple online request form so we can personally address your relationships needs.

Private Mail Receiving Service.
** Are you concerned about the possible lack of privacy of the mail and packages currently being delivered to your home or office?

** Do you want to keep your name and physical location hidden from people or entities you are corresponding online to?

** Is someone you met online (who may perhaps, think you are single) sending you a letter or a package and you prefer they not know your actual physical location?
Avoid awkward situations and use our discreet shipping services.

Private Phone Call Services.
**Do you need us to make a phone call, but want the phone call to appear from Paris? With the Paris number showing up on the caller id of the intended party?

# Are you in Dubai, but telling your partner you are in Tokyo? Would you like to have us assign a Tokyo number to you, receive the phone call on your behalf and forward it to your number in Dubai?

# Do you want to create an impression that you are staying in a certain hotel anywhere in the world? Complete with the 24 hr hotel receptionist answering in the accent of your choice and confirming your stay?

# Do you want to create an impression that you are flying by a certain airline on a certain date anywhere in the World?

Does anyone remember honesty? Will the internet ever be safe again? - EOPC

Snow in U.K. Boosts Website for Adultery!

Britons snowed in by the wintry weather have been flocking to an extra-marital dating site in the last 24 hours.

IllicitEncounters, which provides a platform for married people to conduct affairs, said on Wednesday it has seen an unexpected increase in visitors over the past 24 hours, and received a record number of new profiles on Wednesday morning.

The website said most new members are registering from areas worst hit by this week's extreme weather, including Hampshire, Berkshire, and the West Country, and the site has taken on several temporary staff members to cope with the rush.

"In light of these figures, I'd be interested to see how much work those 'working from home' have actually done," IlicitEncounters.com spokeswoman Sara Hartley said in a statement.

"Perhaps these wives and husbands have just been waiting for a time when they could join, away from the eyes of their work colleagues and, most importantly, their partners..."

The website said it has gained 2,567 new members in the last six days, suggesting that January will be its busiest month ever.

It says it has more than 350,000 members in Britain and that its aim is to create a safe and nonjudgmental environment where married men and women can meet each other.

original article here

Snow in U.K. Boosts Website for Adultery!

Britons snowed in by the wintry weather have been flocking to an extra-marital dating site in the last 24 hours.

IllicitEncounters, which provides a platform for married people to conduct affairs, said on Wednesday it has seen an unexpected increase in visitors over the past 24 hours, and received a record number of new profiles on Wednesday morning.

The website said most new members are registering from areas worst hit by this week's extreme weather, including Hampshire, Berkshire, and the West Country, and the site has taken on several temporary staff members to cope with the rush.

"In light of these figures, I'd be interested to see how much work those 'working from home' have actually done," IlicitEncounters.com spokeswoman Sara Hartley said in a statement.

"Perhaps these wives and husbands have just been waiting for a time when they could join, away from the eyes of their work colleagues and, most importantly, their partners..."

The website said it has gained 2,567 new members in the last six days, suggesting that January will be its busiest month ever.

It says it has more than 350,000 members in Britain and that its aim is to create a safe and nonjudgmental environment where married men and women can meet each other.

original article here

Women are Warned Off of 'Casual Encounters' Sites

Almost all our cyberpaths (while claiming to be caring, upright and decent people) who conned for 'online love' used casual sex sites... much to the horror of their victims. When these predators don't get what they want on casual sex sites... they turn to luring, grooming and preying on normal, unwitting partners with proclamations of "love." BEWARE

Lonely Welsh women are turning to sordid internet sites to find no-strings thrills, Wales on Sunday can reveal.

The lovelorn browsers could become targets for stalkers and kidnappers, experts believe, as the so-called casual encounter forums could act as a magnet for dangerous predators.

Websites like craigslist host hundreds of ads from women and men looking for casual sex and who have grown tired of the traditional dating circuit.

But while their x-rated messages are almost guaranteed to attract a steamy response, safety gurus have warned that in a matter of minutes, vile cyber stalkers could have tracked down their home or office address.

Just a handful of responses received by a Wales on Sunday reporter revealed the worrying spectrum of offers being brokered online.

Just hours after posting the message: “Brunette, 27, seeks an older man for no-strings fun,” more than a dozen e-mails had flooded back – some touting trips abroad, meals out and stays in luxury resorts – all in exchange for a single night of no-strings sex.

One 27-year-old said he was willing to travel from London to Wales for a passionate fling with the “right” girl.

While another – a man who claimed to have blue eyes, light brown hair and dimples – asked: “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

“ I have reservations at Harrahs in Cherokee in the Smoky Mountains (North Carolina, America). I’m looking for someone to go with me and have some fun. I will get a ticket to get you there... my treat.”

Professor Andrew Blyth, an information security expert at the University of Glamorgan, told WoS that he was “not surprised” that men and women had now turned to the net to arrange casual hook-ups.

But he warned: “I think if you do it, you’re mad.

“It’s one thing to meet someone in a bar and later find that something similar happens. But in this setting, people can claim to be anything they want."

“On one level, everyone involved is a consenting adult, but what happened to using chat-up lines in bars?

“With just a postcode and a quick search of the electoral register you can very quickly, and easily, narrow down a person’s address. The people involved could become exposed to abuse, abduction or even blackmail."

“I think if you do this, you’re off your trolley.”

Earlier this year, 17-year-old Ashleigh Michelle Hall was discovered dead after meeting a stranger online.

Durham Police said that the bright Darlington teen had failed to return home one night during October.

The GCSE student’s body was found after a 32-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of driving offences.

Bosses at craigslist.co.uk declined to comment on any of the arrangements that were being made via the site.

But a quick browse on the platform’s page for Wales revealed a clutch of messages from users... all keen to arrange potentially dangerous liaisons over the internet.

Some had posted their home and work postcodes on the site, as well as a telephone number, descriptions of their appearance and even photographs for strangers to browse.

“Once you have got these details, people can certainly find out where you live,” Prof Blyth said. “Postcodes restrict a person’s address to a group of 20, perhaps a hundred houses at the most.

“This really opens up issues of cyber stalking, as what’s seen as a casual relationship by one could be misconstrued as the real long-lasting deal by another person.

“It would even be easy enough to blackmail – for two people to arrange to meet up at a hotel and for one of the pair to threaten to tell the other’s spouse.

“They would already have your picture, and a phone number.”

A spokeswoman from South Wales Police last night advised men and women not to meet up in person with any stranger they had met online.

“These people could be purporting to be someone they are not,” she said.

“On the internet, people can easily make false claims, omit important details, post outdated photographs or even use photos of other people claiming to be them.

“Women and men should consider their personal safety at all times, and refrain from putting themselves into a vulnerable position.”

Lovelorn men and women are keen to push the boundaries online, experts have claimed.

Just a few hours after WoS reporter JO HARRIS posted her message on the web, dozens of racy replies came flooding her way.

One read: “Your message got my attention! All I can say is that your post ‘looking for no-strings fun’ is perfect. I’m not married, but single and like it that way. I’m looking for someone who can give me that special feeling now and again. Then I can carry on with my week.”

Another, who claimed to be a novice user of casual encounter sites, replied: “If you’re stuck for NSA (no-strings attached) fun, I’m more than available.

“I can travel but can’t accommodate. I’d love to be able to come round.”

But the most responses were those that talked of trips abroad in exchange for a steamy affair.

A man, who described himself as fair, with light-brown hair, blue eyes and a goatee beard, wrote: “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

“I have reservations at Harrahs in Cherokee in Smoky Mountains (North Carolina, USA). I am looking for someone to go with me and have some fun. I will get a ticket to get you there... my treat.”

original article here

Women are Warned Off of 'Casual Encounters' Sites

Almost all our cyberpaths (while claiming to be caring, upright and decent people) who conned for 'online love' used casual sex sites... much to the horror of their victims. When these predators don't get what they want on casual sex sites... they turn to luring, grooming and preying on normal, unwitting partners with proclamations of "love." BEWARE

Lonely Welsh women are turning to sordid internet sites to find no-strings thrills, Wales on Sunday can reveal.

The lovelorn browsers could become targets for stalkers and kidnappers, experts believe, as the so-called casual encounter forums could act as a magnet for dangerous predators.

Websites like craigslist host hundreds of ads from women and men looking for casual sex and who have grown tired of the traditional dating circuit.

But while their x-rated messages are almost guaranteed to attract a steamy response, safety gurus have warned that in a matter of minutes, vile cyber stalkers could have tracked down their home or office address.

Just a handful of responses received by a Wales on Sunday reporter revealed the worrying spectrum of offers being brokered online.

Just hours after posting the message: “Brunette, 27, seeks an older man for no-strings fun,” more than a dozen e-mails had flooded back – some touting trips abroad, meals out and stays in luxury resorts – all in exchange for a single night of no-strings sex.

One 27-year-old said he was willing to travel from London to Wales for a passionate fling with the “right” girl.

While another – a man who claimed to have blue eyes, light brown hair and dimples – asked: “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

“ I have reservations at Harrahs in Cherokee in the Smoky Mountains (North Carolina, America). I’m looking for someone to go with me and have some fun. I will get a ticket to get you there... my treat.”

Professor Andrew Blyth, an information security expert at the University of Glamorgan, told WoS that he was “not surprised” that men and women had now turned to the net to arrange casual hook-ups.

But he warned: “I think if you do it, you’re mad.

“It’s one thing to meet someone in a bar and later find that something similar happens. But in this setting, people can claim to be anything they want."

“On one level, everyone involved is a consenting adult, but what happened to using chat-up lines in bars?

“With just a postcode and a quick search of the electoral register you can very quickly, and easily, narrow down a person’s address. The people involved could become exposed to abuse, abduction or even blackmail."

“I think if you do this, you’re off your trolley.”

Earlier this year, 17-year-old Ashleigh Michelle Hall was discovered dead after meeting a stranger online.

Durham Police said that the bright Darlington teen had failed to return home one night during October.

The GCSE student’s body was found after a 32-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of driving offences.

Bosses at craigslist.co.uk declined to comment on any of the arrangements that were being made via the site.

But a quick browse on the platform’s page for Wales revealed a clutch of messages from users... all keen to arrange potentially dangerous liaisons over the internet.

Some had posted their home and work postcodes on the site, as well as a telephone number, descriptions of their appearance and even photographs for strangers to browse.

“Once you have got these details, people can certainly find out where you live,” Prof Blyth said. “Postcodes restrict a person’s address to a group of 20, perhaps a hundred houses at the most.

“This really opens up issues of cyber stalking, as what’s seen as a casual relationship by one could be misconstrued as the real long-lasting deal by another person.

“It would even be easy enough to blackmail – for two people to arrange to meet up at a hotel and for one of the pair to threaten to tell the other’s spouse.

“They would already have your picture, and a phone number.”

A spokeswoman from South Wales Police last night advised men and women not to meet up in person with any stranger they had met online.

“These people could be purporting to be someone they are not,” she said.

“On the internet, people can easily make false claims, omit important details, post outdated photographs or even use photos of other people claiming to be them.

“Women and men should consider their personal safety at all times, and refrain from putting themselves into a vulnerable position.”

Lovelorn men and women are keen to push the boundaries online, experts have claimed.

Just a few hours after WoS reporter JO HARRIS posted her message on the web, dozens of racy replies came flooding her way.

One read: “Your message got my attention! All I can say is that your post ‘looking for no-strings fun’ is perfect. I’m not married, but single and like it that way. I’m looking for someone who can give me that special feeling now and again. Then I can carry on with my week.”

Another, who claimed to be a novice user of casual encounter sites, replied: “If you’re stuck for NSA (no-strings attached) fun, I’m more than available.

“I can travel but can’t accommodate. I’d love to be able to come round.”

But the most responses were those that talked of trips abroad in exchange for a steamy affair.

A man, who described himself as fair, with light-brown hair, blue eyes and a goatee beard, wrote: “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

“I have reservations at Harrahs in Cherokee in Smoky Mountains (North Carolina, USA). I am looking for someone to go with me and have some fun. I will get a ticket to get you there... my treat.”

original article here

The Emotional Cost of Infidelity

By Pam Gerhardt

Nearly four years ago Linda Shafer, divorced and living alone with her dog in Oklahoma City, logged onto her computer after a long day of social work and entered the world of Internet chat rooms. One man sparked her interest. They started a private conversation.

"This wasn't the usual 'how much do you weigh' or 'what color is your hair?' " says Shafer, a social worker with the federal government. "This was different."

As it turned out, he lived close by. After a few weeks of intense, personal dialogue, he suggested they meet for lunch. He was married with children.

"This was the stupid part," says Shafer, her voice soft, kind, a voice that troubled families--her clients--can trust. "I thought it would be harmless just to meet a married man for lunch. Well, I met him."

Shafer didn't know it at the time, but she had already entered stage three of an extramarital affair that would last 3 1/2 years, bringing her moments of bliss, hours of sorrow.

Nearly all affairs--yes, even yours--follow very specific patterns. They generally fall into four stages, according to several family researchers.

Stage One: You develop a close emotional bond. This is the talking stage. For Shafer, it occurred on the Internet. For others, it happens at work or in the neighborhood. You get to know each other, about each other. There's a spark.

Stage Two: You keep it a secret. You don't tell your spouse or your friends that you are attracted emotionally to this person. "You know you're in deep when you decide to keep the relationship secret," says Florida psychologist Debbie Layton-Tholl. "Fantasy and secrets are very powerful. They fuel the fire."

Stage Three: You have lunch, play tennis. This is the dating phase, though you might not know it. You start seeing each other, doing things together. You might tell yourself this is just a colleague, just a friend.

Stage Four: Well. You know.

At that point you are engaged in an intense sexual and emotional liaison. Sometimes extramarital affairs lead to new marriages. Other times, they are roller-coaster relationships that last only months, or a few years. And then there are affairs that become lifelong relationships. Think of CBS correspondent Charles Kuralt, whose 30-year romance was exposed posthumously, shocking fans of his television program, "Sunday Morning."

According to researchers and eyewitnesses, thousands of people have life-changing affairs and use nearly identical language to describe the passion, betrayal and pain associated with them. "No one ever made me feel like that before." "I wanted to kill myself." "If I had to choose one person to live with me on a deserted island, it would be him." Or "her."

Family therapists and affair survivors -- or casualties, depending on how the affair turns out--urge people to acknowledge the prevalence of affairs and to start talking openly about them. Only such honesty, they believe, will help illuminate the psychodynamics of these relationships and help people understand--and perhaps avoid--the pain that they can cause.

"Extramarital affairs are one of the most taboo subjects in our culture," says Janis Abrahms Spring, author of "After the Affair" (HarperCollins, 1997) and a supervisor at Yale University. They are "so extraordinarily traumatizing," she says. "And yet we talk about them only when we are making jokes."

The Fall

We just slide into it," explains Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, who specializes in couples and extramaritial affairs. "Often, the attraction begins at work. Women have become more involved in previously male-dominated professions. They work closely, seeing each other at their best. A friendship develops. If you are not careful, the friendship becomes too intimate and eventually sexualized. The chemistry intensifies. Sparks fly."

Maybe you even fall in love.

Stage One is the innocent prelude during which the emotional connection is formed. A former police officer in upstate New York who had an eight-month affair says he didn't see it coming. It was early in his marriage, before he became a police officer, and he was working evenings, managing a fast-food restaurant.

"One of the workers and I just developed this friendship," he says in a telephone interview, the sounds of his two kids, chattering in the background. He moves to a different phone and explains: "It wasn't about hopping into bed with someone. We talked for four months before anything sexual happened."

But inevitably, the relationship moved through the stages. One night after closing, he and the woman were talking passionately about personal issues, as usual. She asked him to help her fix a light in the men's bathroom. "I was in there, and suddenly the door opened and she came in and closed the door and kissed me," he says. "I kissed her back."

Meanwhile, he kept the relationship a secret. His wife eventually found out about it after finding a note in his pants pocket. Standard movie-script fare.

It's a common plot, a cliche scenario played out in movies, novels and government hallways. Fumbled kisses. Groping in Nissan Altimas. Steamy Comfort Inns. Shafer, the social worker, met her lover in a hotel room for three years. "I'm in my mid forties, and we would make out in the car like we were 16," she says. "There's a certain high to that."

But there is the larger human element that muddies up the script, and the very real and devastating pain that often follows. Even when the affair marks the beginning of a new, healthier, long-term relationship, it comes at a price. Someone, somewhere in an extramarital affair, always loses.

Yet affairs often feel like love. "You get very close emotionally and physically very quickly, but it's a fake closeness," says Shafer. "For him, it was out of sight, out of mind. For me, the day after was always the hardest."

Often these relationships are stormy. Shafer broke off the relationship several times. One breakup lasted seven months. The final breakup came more than three years after she connected with him on the Internet. She reached the point where he disgusted her. The final straw came one day after he had taken a shower. "He said, 'I think I still smell like you,' and it just made me sick to my stomach," she recalls. "That was it. I had had it." He left, and that was the last time she saw him.

Shafer says the deception hurt the most. "The relationship can never go anywhere. You're making a banquet out of crumbs." She discounted the possibility that the affair would lead to marriage. "Even if a person gets divorced, the new relationship is still based on a lie," she says.

"I knew what I was getting into," she continues. "But I didn't get out of it without getting hurt." Near the end, it was clear to her that he was seeing someone new, another affair. "At times I feel like I still love him, but what do I love?"

The Allure of the Secret
Statistics on the frequency of affairs don't add up. People lie, even in anonymous polls. Also, general polls are often not reliable: an 18-year-old who says he's never had an affair isn't saying much.

The percentage of those who say they have had affairs ranges from 25 percent to 75 percent of all males and 15 percent to 60 percent of women. Pyschologist Layton-Tholl, who specializes in Internet research and has interviewed 3,600 people who have had affairs, says the current acceptable statistic is roughly half of all men and women--including the persons victimized by the deception--get involved in extramarital affairs. Abrahms Spring, who has worked with couples for more than 25 years, says affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples.

But enough math. The point is, most people will have some exposure to infidelity. Maybe it will be you, your spouse, a sibling, a friend, a parent (the dreaded box of love letters in the attic) or someone admired from afar, like, say, Kuralt. His long-term relationship came to light after his death when the "other woman" pressed her claim for the Montana house she had shared with him for so many years. They had spent Christmases together, gone on vacation together.

Kuralt is hardly the only one. Famous names recently in the media: Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Marion Barry, Thomas Jefferson, Prince Charles, French President Francois Mitterand (whose mistress stood beside his wife at his funeral), Gary Hart, Frank Gifford, Bill Cosby, poet James Dickey, writer John Cheever, Martin Luther King, television evangelist Jim Bakker (whatever happened to Tammy?) and Rep. Bob Livingston.

What is it about affairs? What is it about passion--defined literally as "suffering"? Why do people risk everything for that stolen kiss, sweaty palms, rapid heart rate? Why do writers dramatize the suffering in popular mythology? Remember "Bridges of Madison County," "The English Patient," "Gone With the Wind," and the this year's Academy Award winner for Best Picture, "Shakespeare In Love."

"It's a drug," says Shafer of Oklahoma. "It's a fix. You can't wait until the next time. It's very addicting. You feel you can't live without it."

Florida researcher Layton-Tholl focuses specifically on the allure of secret relationships. People who keep them report far greater arousal, passion and obsession than with nonsecret relationships. (Not unlike the very early days of perfectly legitimate relationships, before you tell your friends and family that you are "in love.")

The signs and symptoms are familiar. People "in love" fantasize, pine, obsess. They lose sleep and weight. "I've talked to men who 15 years after the affair still wonder what she's doing," says Layton-Tholl.

How interesting that they reach such romantic heights only out of context from their daily lives. But is it love?

In "After the Affair," Abrahms Spring draws distinctions between romantic love and mature love. "Romantic love is an intense but unwarranted attachment that you, the unfaithful partner, may feel toward your lover," she explains. You think the love must be real because the chemistry between you is so explosive. You are willing to sacrifice so much for this passion. "The blind spot behind this feeling--what you fail to see," she writes, "is that your so-called grand passion may have more to do with your unmet needs than with who this other person really is."

Love also experiences changes on a physiological level. In the throes of romantic love, people experience a high from natural amphetamine-like chemicals such as dopamine and norepinephrine. "In the next stage of love," she writes, "the brain releases endorphines--natural painkillers that soothe and create a sense of security and calm."

On the cognitive side, a perceptual distortion takes place. "You idealize the other person, assigning him or her more positive attributes than any one person could actually possess," continues Abrahms Spring. "At the same time, you're likely to paint your partner in equally distorted, but negative terms, as a foil for your lover."

Personal Trauma
Falling in love is obviously not confined to infidelity. Most contemporary marriages start out with romantic love. But, therapists say, couples have to grow up and understand that "feelings of love are neither steady nor constant but travel in natural cycles," as Abrahms Spring puts it. "If your relationship doesn't live up to your ideas about love, the problem may be not with your relationship but with your ideas," she writes.

Falling out of love with a spouse--and in love with someone else often rekindles that early experience of romantic love. It's why lovers say "He (or she) made me feel young again."

But sooner or later, lovers in an extramarital affair have to confront the dynamic nature of their relationship and move on to a deeper bond. Or sever the connection.

Just why people have affairs has no single answer. Each case is different. Researchers point to a combination of issues in the individual and in the marriage. Personal issues run the gamut of pop psychology from low self-esteem to midlife crises in which people question everything at work and at home.

Marital problems may stem from getting married very young or having a job that takes a spouse away from home--emotionally as well as physically.

With so many different factors, researchers resist a cookie-cutter formula to explain infidelity. Nor do they use such labels as "bad marriage" or "weakness of character."

"It's a mistake to think that only people with personal weaknesses have affairs," explains Peggy Vaughan, co-author with her psychologist husband of six books on extramarital affairs, including "The Monogamy Myth" (Newmarket Press, 1998) and "Beyond Affairs" (out of print), in which the Vaughans detail the husband's 17 affairs over a period of seven years and describe how they rebuilt their marriage. "It's far more complicated than that," she says.

Another factor involves societal attitudes not only about celebrities who have affairs but also about sex. "As a society, we give a lot of lip service to--but actually undermine -- monogamy," says Vaughan. "We learn at a very early age to associate sex with deception and secrecy. By not talking to our teens about sex, for example, we show them to keep it secret," she says. That sets up an expectation, she argues, that sexual fulfillment can only be attained in secret relationships.

Secrecy, many researchers maintain, is the enemy of monogamy. Abrahms Spring notes how difficult it is even for patients to talk about infidelity and how many of them try to hide affairs in the initial phase of therapy.

"My focus is extramarital affairs. Obviously, that's why they come to me," she says, laughing softly at the irony. "But it takes them several sessions before they can speak of it."

The Aftermath
The former police officer and his wife tried to repair the marriage, had another baby. A few years later, the wife had a short affair with someone she met on the Internet, then another. Eventually she left him.

"I cried for hours on the couch. I couldn't move," he says. "My wife never recovered from my affair. Years would go by and I wouldn't hear anything about it, then suddenly all this anger would come out."

Affairs rock your world. Life is never the same again. All parties involved experience a profound sense of loss and pain. The old status quo is gone. The future is uncertain.

"After finding out, the hurt partner experiences the most basic loss of self," says Abrahms Spring. "You feel alien in your own skin. Your most basic assumptions about the order of the universe have been turned upside down. It's devastating."

The person confessing to an infidelity experiences the full gamut: guilt, self-loathing. Often there is also relief. Leading a double life can become increasingly difficult for people engaged in affairs. Getting the truth out relieves them of carrying the burden of betrayal alone. To some therapists, honesty is essential, too, if the couple is to stay married and lay down a new framework for their relationship. Some people are glad that the affair is over and want to reestablish their marriage. "They're just so thankful to be with one person again in one place," explains Abrahms Spring. "They want to forgive and move forward."

The betrayed spouse may also find relief. Even if the affair seems to come out of the blue, the underlying causes of infidelity have probably been present for some time. Vaughan says she experienced relief when her husband told her the truth about his numerous affairs. "It was like a storm that flattens everything and allows fresh air to come through," she says. "The years of knowing subconsciously that something was wrong was much more painful that the two or so years it took us to recover."

Still the aftermath was hard. Vaughan has described how it took her almost a decade to rebuild her sense of self even though she and her husband had successfully reestablished their marriage in a couple of years. All in all, they've been married 43 years.

The "other" person, meanwhile, faces a whole different set of issues. How do you rebuild your life without the affair. At first there is profound aloneness and confusion. "She's not in the Bahamas or running around in mink," says Florida researcher Layton-Tholl. "She's at home, waiting for him to call, to explain himself and the promises he made."

All parties in extramarital affairs often report thoughts of suicide, according to family therapists. As Abrahms Spring writes in her book: "What people want to kill is not themselves but the pain."

Secrecy may be what sustains the affair while it is going on, but it also exacerbates the pain when it is over. Suddenly, there is no one to talk to. The loved one is gone. Unlike a death or divorce that prompts support from family and friends, the breakup of an affair goes largely unnoticed.

Yet everyone in the triangle suffers a sense of loss--a loss of self and a loss of love. Researchers believe the great hypocrisy in our culture is that while affairs are so prevalent, most people remain largely unsympathetic and closed to the complexities and pain. They slip into the stereotypes about infidelity and offer pat advice: Leave the no-good two-timer. Or focus on labels: Home wrecker. Or blame themselves: I wasn't sexy enough.

Cliches provide protection. "We don't want to believe that a man could have an affair on a wife who is loving and sensual and kind," says psychologist Glass. "That means it could happen to us."

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