Cybersex: The Electronic Homewrecker

Think an online rendezvous may involve physically 'safer' sex?
Find out what the consequences can be.
By Ian Mulgrew

The family computer - purchased to help the kids with their education, or to help a stay-at-home partner with his or her small business - is quickly becoming a conduit of temptation for the lonely, the unhappy, the bored and dissatisfied.

Among the estimated 90 million or so North Americans who log on daily, increasing numbers are actively exploring sexuality in ways that were unheard of until now. The workplace, where temptation is just a click away, is a particular hotbed of activity: recent data indicate that 70 per cent of the traffic to sexually explicit sites occurs between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. In fact, 20 per cent of men and 12 per cent of women online in the workplace use the Net for sexual pursuit.

Basically, cybersex is like phone sex: flirtation leading to arousal leading to masturbation. But with way more bells and whistles: there are chat rooms for every type of sexual proclivity, including "married but sinful," and cheap, digital see-you, see-me technology to satisfy the most ardent voyeur. You can do just about everything on the holodeck of online lust that you can do in person - send virtual flowers or a cyber-kiss, commit to each other in an electronic wedding, honeymoon in a cyber-dungeon in front of an e-family. In the works are full-immersion sex suits transmitting sensory information back and forth between or among partners. With new scent-emission technology, the online sexual experience will be heightened even further.

The new technologies have made it easier to find a date, begin an affair and engage in great sex. But what Hollywood has presented as a cute lure for attracting a mate - even Ally McBeal succumbed last year - also has a seamier side. Those who study and treat the survivors of adultery say the Internet is a breeding ground for cyber-infidelity. Online cheating is mentioned in a growing number of divorce cases, and therapists say the nature and scope of marital collapse are caused by virtual infidelity is greatly underestimated.

The powerful draw of online sexual relationships can easily scuttle a relationship drifting toward the shoals, but it also threatens stable marriages and people with no history of dysfunction. Women appear to be at the greatest risk because they've found a private, anonymous and safe place to look for company in the new millennium. They're trying all kinds of sexual behaviour that they would never engage in off-line. And those who find themselves online for more than 11 hours a week (the putative threshold for addiction) may face even greater risks than men do. Data suggest they are more likely to progress toward consummating the cyber-affair with an old-fashioned, off-line rendezvous.

Online romances can also lead to cybersex addiction. At first, only one or two people in a hundred were thought to be at risk, says Dr. Kimberly Young, founder of the Center for Online Addiction (www.netaddiction.com) in Bradford, Pa. But, she says, the most recent studies indicate a much higher figure: eight to 10 per cent, or maybe even more. "Whether or not this is a big phenomenon, whether or not there are hundreds of thousands of people involved and it's ruining lives - there's no question about that," says Dr. Alvin Cooper of Stanford University, Ca., who led the research team on the Net study. "We suspect that those numbers will only increase over time."

Dr. Jennifer Schneider, a physician and researcher based in Tucson, Ariz., recently conducted a survey among the partners of cybersex addicts. "I asked about what's the big deal with online sex - each person is sitting masturbating, talking online. Almost all the respondents to my survey said that's as much cheating as if they are having physical sex.
 

To women, at least, it's not the physical sex that matters, it's this relationship thing. It's the intimacy, spending time with somebody else. It isn't about sex, it's about the betrayal of intimacy."

The specialists say anyone contemplating a cyber-affair should remember that it can be much harder to survive than a conventional affair because it reaches into the home, perhaps even into the bedroom itself-while the partner lies sleeping.

If It's Online, Is It Cheating?

IS IT CHEATING?

In our technologically advanced world, computers and the Internet are becoming a part of life. We use the Internet for information, email and now even dating. With thousands of dating sites out there, it's easier than ever to hook up with someone across the country! The popularity of online dating has skyrocketed and the statistics are astounding.

With that comes the increased ability to cheat with anyone, anywhere. Married people all over the world are starting to use the internet to carry out full-blown affairs. The question is, is it really cheating? If you never see the person or have physical contact, should it be frowned upon? Those doing the act of cheating of course see nothing wrong with it, but those being cheated on have a different opinion.

As some background, online cheating is much more common than one may think with about 30 percent of visitors to online dating sites identifying themselves as married (the actual number of married people on online dating is probably much much higher). There are even online cheating sites specifically for married people which describes themselves as discreet dating sites for married people with no excuses and no explanations. Though many may not think of innocent chatting and cybersex as cheating, it usually leads to more. In an article written by David Koeppel, online cheaters describe it as "exciting and addicting." One person says,"Its power can be trance-inducing." These people use the internet as their outlet to escape from reality.
Again, the big question is, is it really cheating? John LaSage, a California man was left by his wife for an internet boyfriend. He says, "chatting is OK, cheating is not." That’s where he draws the line. However, there are others who may be hurt by chatting alone. If a spouse is online chatting day and night, it takes valuable time away from the spouse. One woman who has been cheated on says, "he swears he loves me but shows more emotion for these online women than me." This illustrates that even with the absence of physical contact, online cheating can still ruin the emotional factors in a marriage. Health, Beauty and Fitness magazine says, "we believe that sharing your emotions with anyone other than your current partner is adultery whether the relationship is physically consummated or not." The emotional aspects are often stronger and more important than the physical. This can lead to a very hurt spouse if he or she finds out about the affair. With this comes the other big reason why people think online affairs are easier, the ability to hide them.

Many see online cheating as the easy way out, but it may not be so easy. It's easier to chat online at work or have cybersex on the computer rather than in a hotel, however, everything can be traced on a computer. It's always lingering in cyberspace somewhere. Many businesses are starting to make a living off of tracing devices for the internet. They sell these packages to people that are suspicious of a loved one or family member and they allow them to view chat conversations and much more. Along the same lines with chatting and cheating online is the viewing of internet pornography. As people experiment with online dating sites, they are bound to come across pop-ups and links to pornography.
Internet pornography is of course another touchy subject with married couples. It leads the other spouse to feel inadequate and unimportant. But again, is that cheating? Nielsen Net ratings have found that 17.5 million people have visited pornography sites in their home each month. That's a very high number, so is there something wrong with it or is it normal? Dr. Phil has his opinion on this matter. For more, go to Dr. Phil's Homepage.

Of course everyone has their own opinion on internet dating, pornography and other related topics and no one will ever know for sure until they are put in the situation. However, anything as time consuming and personal as some of these online relationships seems to be as bad as cheating in real-life with a real person. Not to mention the fact that most online affairs develop into something else. As they say, once a cheater, always a cheater. So don't rule out the possibility that your spouse has an online lover. Many who aren't computer savy see it as the easy way out so it's becoming more and more common. But as for the question, is it cheating? I say it most definitely is. It makes the other partner feel lonely and unappealing just as in a real-life affair. So beware, the internet is becoming more and more dangerous.

Website Built on Broken Families & Questionable Morals

AN attractive couple lie entwined in a cotton sheet - clearly satisfied after what seems to have been a steamy sex session.

Cue subtitles for a dramatic finale: "This couple is married . . . NOT to each other."

The controversial TV ad for an infidelity website caused outrage when it aired in America.

And now it could hit Britain as part of the multi-million pound UK launch of ashleymadison.com.

Branded "a business built on the back of broken hearts, ruined marriages and damaged families" but hailed by others as "an honest format for an age-old human weakness", the online phenomenon already boasts seven million members in the US, Canada and Australia.

Its owner Noel Biderman, a married father of two, hopes to add one million UK cheaters to his portfolio by Christmas.

Canadian-born Biderman, 39, says: "Ashley Madison is like a traditional dating site but for people already in relationships.

"It was becoming increasingly apparent people who wanted to cheat on their partners were using more traditional sites like Facebook and match.com but concealing the fact they were married when they began dating.

"My research showed around 30 per cent of these people were effectively taking off their wedding rings when they went online.

"So I didn't need to generate infidelity but I saw that I could capitalise on it by taking this pool of people away from the mainstream dating sites and letting them know about another community where both parties could be more honest about what they're doing."

Ashley Madison - which carries the slogan "Life is Short. Have an Affair" - has become a multi-million pound phenomenon, receiving news coverage on leading US shows and channels including CNN and Fox News.

Biderman clearly revels in the "King Of Infidelity" title given to him by the US media and delights in explaining the intricacies of his website.

Starting from £49 for 100 credits, members can email one another (five credits); engage in real-time chat, enter virtual bars and bedrooms (both 30 credits for 30 minutes) and even post virtual gifts to one another.

Launched on February 13, 2002 (a day Biderman has dubbed "Mistress Day"), the following years have been spent honing the product.

Dressed in chinos and brogues, Biderman attempts to present himself as a relaxed charmer but he sips on a can of Red Bull and talks at 100mph as he tries to excuse the questionable morals behind his business.

"I've spent years perfecting the product," he says.

"Lipstick on the collar doesn't catch out people these days. Digital lipstick - emails and text messages that get into the wrong hands - catches them out.

"I've had to convince people that communicating on Ashley Madison is safe, with billing under a pseudonym."

Biderman christened the business Ashley Madison because it combines the two most popular girls' names in the US and he wanted the brand to appeal to women as well as men.

In the UK around 40 per cent of people married or in long-term relationships cheat at some stage.

More than half of women and around 60 per cent of men have been unfaithful in the past.

Love or hate Biderman, he has so far managed to tap thriving markets for infidelity in other countries.

And the no-holds-barred messages on his website have given him an insight into cheating in the 21st Century.

Biderman says this comprises: "Around two men for every woman on the site and a three to four-year itch scenario as opposed to the more mythical seven-year phenomenon."

He adds: "There is also a dramatic shift in family dynamics after the birth of the first child. Intimacy levels between couples change because of the way people feel about their bodies.

"For years, infidelity was viewed as a male phenomenon but Ashley Madison revealed more and more women have been having affairs as opportunity has allowed them to enter the workplace.

"Not every woman a man cheats with is a mistress, is she? And the more emasculated men feel, the more it causes them to lash out and want to cheat on their wives."

Biderman is currently staying in a luxury Mayfair hotel as he prepares to launch his "service" in the UK.

A round of media interviews has been lined up and a £10million advertising budget is poised to be spent if he can get his controversial message past the Advertising Standards Authority.

He claims he has seen enough messages on his website from people in the UK to know there is a "captive market waiting to join".

And he claims: "By Christmas, I estimate that one million Brits will be using the site."

The product of a stable middle-class home, Biderman says there was no role model in his own family for infidelity.

The son of a dentist and a housewife, he thrived at school and was a sports attorney. His older brother is a banker.

Married for eight years, Biderman swears he has been faithful to his wife - a stay-at-home "mom" who looks after his son, five, and daughter, two.

"Have I been tempted to stray? Yes," he says confidently.

"But I talk about infidelity ten times a week. If there is anyone who should know about what it takes to be monogamous, it's me.

"Is our relationship perfect? No. But I try hard to keep it on the right tracks.

"I might one day find myself in a similar position to my members and, if so, I would rather stray then leave the family unit."

So has Biderman considered the possibility his wife might be cheating on him right at this moment?

Appearing a little flustered for the first time, he pauses before responding more slowly: "If my wife was cheating on me right now, I would be shocked."

By all accounts, Mrs Biderman would rather he got a more respectable job, but the legitimising of extra-martial affairs has reaped rich rewards.

Biderman admits to living in a "big house" and driving a Maserati sports car.

He clearly revels in the debate over his business but, amazingly, also tries to convince the world there are heart-warming stories surrounding infidelity.

Like the Ashley Madison Diaries, a book written by a woman trapped in a loveless marriage who allegedly found her Prince Charming on the website.

Or the elderly gentleman nursing a wife with Alzheimer's.

Biderman claims: "With the permission of his children, he joined and spent once a week with a married woman. He wanted to tell me his story because he could see I was getting a hard time in the media."

Actually, Biderman appears to delight in his role as a moral villain because he knows controversy sells.

And as he points out: "Extra-marital affairs existed long before Ashley Madison and will continue to long afterwards."

original article here

IF YOU LOVE ONE OF THESE, A BOOK OFFERS HELP

By KRISTIN DIZON

Jerk. Witch. Creep.

You’ve probably used such names to describe a romantic partner gone bad, or maybe a few choice words of the four-letter variety.

But, there’s another name for the ones who are so self-absorbed and self-centered that all of their needs and wants come first: the narcissist.

He’s the boyfriend who begs you to leave your job, family and rent-controlled apartment to move to another state to be with him, only to discover, after moving, that he’s got another girlfriend he failed to tell you about.

She’s the girlfriend who creates a crisis out of every little situation so she can be the perpetual look-at-me center of attention and drama.

It’s the father who chose to play golf instead of help with his young son’s birthday party, despite his wife’s pleas. Then he arrived when the party was almost over, crushing his son’s feelings.

All of these are examples from flesh and blood people in the new book, “Help! I’m in Love With a Narcissist,” by relationship authors Julia Sokol and Steven Carter. (M. Evans and Co., 270 pages).

Previously, they wound up on the best-seller list for “Men Who Can’t Love,” in which they coined the now ubiquitous term, “commitmentphobia.” Now, they’re throwing our self-obsessed, me!, me!, me! approach to relationships under the microscope.

We live in narcissistic times. We observe every move of Paris Hilton and P. Diddy, and lavish attention upon arrogant business moguls like Donald Trump.

Reality is, most of us have some degree of narcissism and self-centeredness. But there's a big difference between garden-variety narcissistic tendencies and toxic narcissism.

Narcissists are often charming, adventurous people who entertain us with their interesting stories and grandiose sense of self. They are often very attentive and appreciative toward their partners for the first month or two, and are skilled at fanning the chemistry.

But, they also know how to demean, criticize and show no empathy for others. They're often controlling and have a needy side that asks frequently: Do you really love me? Will you leave me? Are you like all of the others?

Many have a history of troubled relationships and lots of emotional baggage.

They take, they demand, they expect. In return, they give very little, although many are good at delivering flowery words of love that suck us back in, especially after a fight or ultimatum.

But, how do you know if you're living with a narcissist? The bottom line is that if you're in a relationship that's dominated by the other person's wishes and priorities, without the normal give-and-take and compromise, you very well may be shacking up with a narcissist.

Sokol recently spoke with us from her Rhode Island home about living with and loving narcissists.

Who did you write this book for? And why the need for it?

"We're writing it for everybody who doesn't quite understand why they're getting stuck in the same relationship -- one that revolves around the other person. ... I think it's very widespread. And we also did this book to help readers understand their own narcissistic issues. That will help you understand the choices you make and why you're drawn to a particular type of person. Most of these people who get into these hideous, hideous relationships, one after another, complain that they were bored with other people."

What separates average narcissistic qualities from a true toxic narcissist?

"I guess it's how much pain that person is causing and how unable and completely incapable the toxic narcissist is to feel anything for another person. The narcissist is able to weave this terrific web of fantasy and illusion. It's fulfilling all your fantasies, all your dreams. You've always wanted to feel unique and special and the narcissist is able to make you feel that and that this is a unique and special relationship."

Why do people fall for narcissists?

"I think society places a value on narcissism and narcissistic values. We put an emphasis on the superficial. We put an emphasis on the people who sound as though they know what they're talking about, even when they don't. ... Narcissism forgives an awful lot that in an earlier time would have been considered obnoxious. Modesty is no longer a virtue in this country. Narcissists tend to tell you that they're wonderful and terrific and adorable. ... They tend to know how to sweep people off their feet. They are incredibly seductive. They know what you like to hear."

A lot of folks seem to believe that with enough love and hope and effort, the narcissist in their life can change. What do you think?

"After years of hearing these stories -- and we've heard thousands of them -- they don't ever seem to change."

How does one's upbringing tie into loving a narcissist or becoming one?

"Many people have parents who have all-about-me tendencies -- everything comes back to that person. The child is the audience, the support system, a part of this drama. And then they turn around and find partners who pull us in this way. It comes from our own weak sense of self. ... Some are so spoiled by parents that they turned into narcissists."

Why are narcissists so hard to leave?

"Narcissism is also about feelings of sadness and depression. So the classic narcissistic partner has this 'look-at-me' quality, but also has this 'oh poor me, I really need help.' They draw you in with stories of their sadness and the emptiness and you feel that somehow you can fill this void. And you tell yourself, he really loves me -- even though he's cheating on me every other night of the week."

What's your advice for people to get out of a narcissistic relationship and break the pattern?

"You have to understand what attracts you to this person. You start setting up boundaries that you're not going to let people cross. You really start believing in the things that you say are important. You stop focusing on perfection, you stop worrying about being bored. And you stop feeling that you can solve the other person's problems. ... The minute you feel you're in this kind of relationship or you've had more than one person like this in your life, a little professional help is not going to hurt."

You and Steven Carter coined the term commitmentphobia. Do you think narcissist will become part of the dating lexicon?

"I think it's starting to do that already. And it's about time, too. I think this is the relationship issue of our times. There's nothing to curb people like these. They're in a society that supports it."

KNOW A NARCISSIST?

Here are the signs of narcissism. It takes five or more before you can slap the label on someone:

1. An exaggerated or grandiose sense of self-importance that isn't supported by reality

2. A preoccupation with fantasies of extraordinary success, wealth, power, beauty and love

3. A belief that he/she is special and unique and can only be understood by other special people

4. An intense need for admiration

5. A sense of entitlement

6. A tendency to exploit others without guilt or remorse

7. An absence of meaningful empathy

8. A tendency to be envious or to assume that he/she is the object of others' envy

9. An arrogant attitude

SOURCE

Stop Trolling!! Married Means M-A-R-R-I-E-D

(This gem was posted on Craigslist.com and was so good, we are reposting here for all the victims and spouses (even those in denial) of online cheaters & cyberpaths - EOPC)

Married means married, Moron

It's getting to the point where I can't even read those stupid personal ads anymore, not even for fun.

They're loaded with married people, bitching about their spouses, and looking for something "better".

I've got a few things to tell you:

1. "She" is not the reason your marriage sucks. YOU are.

If you spent half as much time paying attention to your wife as you do trolling CraigsList (or other sites) for sex, your marriage would be a whole lot better.

2. Yeah, yeah, we've all heard it a thousand times. You're in a sexless marriage.

First of all, that's probably a lie, because most cheaters are liars too. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, pal- if your wife isn't interested in sex, it's because you're not offering sex that's interesting. Married guys get awfully boring after a while. They do the same boring thing the same boring way every single time and then -- they expect you to scream like a porn star.

Seriously, you come home from work, totally ignore her while she chases the kids around for 4 hours, makes dinner, does the laundry, blah blah blah, and then you expect her to roll over with her legs open for another session of same-old same-old? When are you idiots going to learn that the best foreplay in the world for a woman is watching you take care of the kids, vacuum the floor, pick up the dog poo in the backyard. Or how about just listening when she talks? You know, it's not that hard to stop thinking about yourself for five minutes and hear what she has to say.

Think about it - way back when, when you were getting your brains ****ed out on a regular basis - what were YOU doing differently than you're doing now? Planning dates, telling her she looked nice, acting like you're happy to be with her? A thousand dollars says if you do that stuff again you'll get the same result.

3. Spare us. Your kids are NOT the reason you're staying married. If you were THAT miserable, you'd leave whether you had kids or not. If you're not getting a divorce it's because YOU DON'T WANT TO. For whatever reason.

At least be honest and don't try to feed people that tired line about staying married for the kids. Contrary to what you think, it doesn't make you look like a poor suffering but honorable victim. You obviously don't care enough about your kids to treat their mother with enough respect not to cheat on her, and you don't care about them enough to spend time with THEM instead of some vulnerable woman who falls for your carefully constructed lies, so cut it out with that crap. (BTW - did you even BOTHER to tell her you're MARRIED with KIDS?)

There is absolutely nothing honorable about putting your **** ahead of your kids. If you really really cared about them, you would get offline put ALL your time and effort and money into saving the one thing that means most to them in the whole world - your marriage and their family. Otherwise you're full of crap.

4. We all know how bored you are. Poor you, someone should really come along to entertain you.

What are you, 12 years old? If you're bored with your marriage, it's because YOU'RE BORING, and have you ever stopped to think that if you're bored, she probably is too? But instead of throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old, she's at home cleaning out the lint trap on the dryer and washing kool-aid off the kitchen floor. Yeah, she's having a riot washing your underwear and cleaning up cat puke.

Marriage is hard work. Heck, life is hard work. Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself. You supposedly have a brain, USE it. Put some thought into your marriage and some effort into your life and stop blaming her and being a baby because life isn't fun.

5. You're looking for someone "younger."

Sure you are. You think you look the same as you did when you got married? I'd bet not. Even if you do, you haven't spent the last 10 years having babies (the ones YOU wanted) and sacrificing your body for them. The next time you have to have someone stitch your ***hole together because you just pushed a watermelon out of your butt, then you can squawk. If you ever spend 9 months with your belly stretched to obscene proportions, and manage to look exactly the same as you used to 6 weeks later, then you can whine about how "she's not attractive anymore." Until then, shut the **** up.

You have no concept of what she has sacrificed to give you the children you "claim" to love. You really think she wants varicose veins and stretch marks and a distended belly and saggy boobs? Get real. What she wants is a man who understands and values WHY she has varicose veins and stretch marks and a distended belly and saggy boobs. She wants a man who loves her because she was willing to make those sacrifices with her own body because she loves HIM. Instead, you criticize and go running off with the first perky 25 year old who gives you the time of day. (or the first vulnerable woman who's being ignored by her man or is vulnerable enough in some way that her b.s. radar is damaged while you put the NLP whamma-jamma on her and say "I love you" just get her to spread her legs for you.) Ugh.

6. And finally, if you're cheating on your wife, there's something wrong with YOU.

If you're not happy with your marriage, exactly how do you think screwing some sl*t you barely know is going to fix that? Exactly how is that going to make anyone happy? Have you ever actually heard of adultery or an online affair working out really well for everyone involved? Are you actually stupid enough to think that you're going to be the exception to that rule? If so, you are delusional and you need professional help.

Affairs are disasters - not some of the time; not most of the time; ALL OF THE TIME. Your guilt and trying to cover your tracks will drive you crazy. Someone WILL find out. You will NOT be able to keep up the lies and the deception. And it will all lead up to a disaster of epic proportions, which leads me to Lucky #7.

7. Here‘s what you can expect in the wake of your little ****-fest:

Divorce - this is where you lose everything- your wife, your house, half your income and possessions, possibly your job if you're stupid enough to be screwing around with a co-worker, your kids - EVERYTHING. You will LOSE IT ALL.

Exposure - this is where everyone finds out what a scumbag you are. And they WILL find out. Your boss, your co-workers, your friends, your family, HER family, your neighbors, the parents of your kids‘ friends, everyone at your church. They WILL find out. Why? Because your now ex-wife and/ or ex-girlfriend(s) will tell them. She will probably tell everyone she knows, and everyone you know, and she will feel good doing it. Consider yourself lucky if she doesn't rent a billboard.

Oh, and DON'T try to paint yourself as the 'victim' of jealous or obsessed or scorned women. We all know that's a lie, too.

You lied to your wife and your probably lying to all your girlfriends as well as lying about one to the other. Otherwise, all bets are off. Be prepared.

Your Kids - this is where you totally lose the respect of your kids, and you deserve to lose it. They will realize in pretty short order that you didn't care enough about them to keep your pants on. They will see their mother cry and they will hate you for it. They will end up shuttling back and forth between their home and your apartment, and they will hate you for it. Every time they have to tell someone that their parents are divorced, they will hate you for it.

And God forbid you decide to "introduce" them to your shiny new soulmate/ ****buddy; they will REALLY hate you for that. If your kids are really young, you have a little time before all this hits the fan, but be warned, it's coming. They will forever see you as the moron who broke up or disrupted their family. Even if you stick around - they will know that you can't be trusted, that you are weak and immoral and selfish. And they'll figure it out all by themselves, even if you never talk to them about it. Because your kids are smarter than you are at this point.

And when your new "soulmate" figures out your real agenda, bend over and kiss it goodbye. If all she does is "expose you" after she finds out you ripped her heart out at the root - you should thank her not smear her. It's nothing less than what you asked for.

So, go ahead and whine your pathetic nonsense about how you're a victim and your wife is a horrible shrew. Do your best to convince yourself and everyone around you that you didn't have any choice and your wife "drove you to it." Start with the rationalizations and justifications now; you're going to need a lot of them.

Remember that the best defense is a good offense and start a mental list of all the ways your wife is deficient. Make sure to re-write the history of your marriage so that you can say that you were miserable from the first day. You should have married that OTHER girl (who probably dumped your sorry ***)

Be sure to tell your wife that you love her, you're just not "in love" with her anymore. Deal with your guilt by lashing out at everyone around you.

Above all, take ZERO responsibility for any problems YOU may have that caused you to be such a spineless loser in the first place.

Congratulations, you've just joined the Adulterers Club!

THE INFIDELITY INDUSTRY

Cheaters Inc

Cheating on your spouse is always immoral, sometimes illegal, and if that doesn’t matter, a wide range of Web sites are ready to help you play around.

Are you married and looking for a one-night stand? Need a soul mate to fill the void that’s been growing since your wedding day? Even if you just need an alibi to explain where you were last night, there are companies especially designed for the married-but-looking clientele.

The ease of the Internet is one reason women are quickly catching up to men in the arena of extramarital nookie, according to Newsweek. Nowadays, an estimated 30 percent to 40 percent of wives are unfaithful, compared to 50 percent of husbands, therapists told the news magazine.

To show how fast the world is changing, only 10 percent of married women admitted to infidelity in 1991, according to a poll by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. Ten years later, that number jumped to 15 percent for women, while the level of unfaithful men stayed a constant 22 percent.

Can we believe these numbers? Why would husbands and wives be honest with pollsters if they can’t be honest with each other?

What can’t be denied is the growing number of Web sites catering to philandering, discreet dating and other services that may do a marriage a disservice. Here are a few:

1. Wages of Sin (and Various Payment Plans) You pay a price for cheating — and many dating sites for wed wanderers offer various payment plans that won’t stick out like a sore thumb on your credit card bill.

AshleyMadison.com, a dating site for married adults "with unmet needs," claims revenue has shot up 10 percent this year, now that it expanded its billing methods to accept debit cards along with credit card payments.

Don’t worry about leaving your spouse’s divorce lawyer an electronic money trail straight to your secret lover. Your credit card will merely show a charge from "Ashley Madison," which sounds more like an accounting firm than a dating service that boasts the slogan: "When Monogamy Becomes Monotony."

About 160,000 people have registered, a no-cost endeavor. You get to post a profile with a nom de plume, and, if you dare, a photo. You only pay if you want to contact other members.

Newbies are encouraged to get specific about what extramarital pleasure they’re seeking. "Swingers" should distinguish themselves from those seeking a "secondary relationship" — a long-term romance that’s not necessarily sexual.

A "tertiary relationship" is a polite way to refer to a one-night stand.

And you should be warned: Some married daters expect you not to cheat on your mistress with another mistress — a concept known as "polyfidelity."

"Our service is not meant to glorify or promote infidelity," says operations director Darren Morgenstern, who married shortly before Ashley Madison opened three years ago, in a press release.

"We’re simply offering a safe and anonymous way for people to communicate with each other once they’ve made up their mind to explore options outside their relationship."

2. Honor Among Philanderers? A Lothario’s Creed
From one philanderer to another, are you emotionally prepared for an affair? Can you handle the guilt, hide incriminating receipts and delete computer files that would spell ruin in divorce court?

"Unless you are the only one who has access to your computer, don’t bookmark this webpage," visitors of philanderers.com are warned. "The contents can bury you!!!"

This warning comes from a man who identifies himself as Doug Mitchell. He won’t give out his real name because, in addition to a wife, two children and a dog, he has had a girlfriend for seven years — just about as long as he’s been running this site.

"I thought I was alone when I started this site," says Mitchell, who describes himself as a 40ish importer-exporter from Canada. "I couldn’t find anywhere on the Internet to turn for advice."

Mitchell says he’s still dating the same woman and that his marriage has actually improved because he’s found a way of life that suits him.

"It’s not for everyone. You have to be prepared," he says. "My girlfriend knows I run the site. My wife does not."

Would-be philanderers should be warned of the Web site’s disclaimer against any liability, should your spouse get wise and take you for all you’re worth. You are also warned that breaking your marriage vows is against the law in some jurisdictions.

If you’re still bent on cheating, however, you’ll get free how-to guides and handy — presumably tested — advice.

Never use credit cards, a hotel phone or let anyone take a picture.

Toothpaste is apparently great to remove a lipstick stain. If you’re still worried about telltale signs of a lover on your apparel, stop at a gas station, smear yourself with motor oil and claim you slipped while pumping gas. Better to ruin a shirt than a marriage.

Condoms are part of the philanderer’s code, Mitchell says. And it’s a good habit to use generic nicknames like "honey" and "dear" to avoid mix-ups when you get home.

Another part of the philanderer’s creed: "Never tell anyone what you are doing, not even your best friend."

"We don’t encourage extramarital affairs. We understand them," Mitchell says.

"People who come to this site are already sitting on the fence. I help them make an informed decision, to see if the benefits outweigh the risks."

Mitchell claims he’s getting 35,000 hits a day. About 70 percent of his online personals come from men, who pay about $10 a month (cheating women can post ads for free).

He says women are more active than men on his message boards.

Mitchell admits receiving his share of angry letters from husbands and wives who’ve been done wrong, but says that’s less than one-tenth of the e-mail he receives. "I can’t say those people are wrong. Everyone has their own moral code," he says. "It’s always best to be honest, and honestly, this works for me."

A philanderer isn’t a bad person as much as a person who finds his marriage is missing something, and an affair might be that certain spark, he says.

"You would never know if you met me," he says. "I could be your next-door neighbor."

But what if Mitchell found that his wife was cheating on him — or worse yet, if she were one of the many happy customers on philanderers.com? "I guess I couldn’t say much," he says. "That would be like the pot calling the kettle black."

3. Liar-for-Hire: The Perfect Alibi Agency
Need someone to call home to say you need to work late? How about a service to send all your mistresses bouquets on Valentine’s Day?

A German company called "Perfect Alibi" claims it provides about 350 clients each month handy excuses, such as bogus invitations to weekend business seminars. Such liar-for-hire services range in price between $13 and $104, depending on the nature of the alibi, and a $35 annual membership fee.

4. Is Chatting Cheating? The advent of Internet dating over the last few years may have changed courtship more than anything since the advent of the pill.

Some married folks miss that thrilling yet harrowing experience of flirting with a stranger via e-mail. This could be why so many straying spouses slip off their wedding ring and into an online persona.

All online dating services (including Christian or other religious dating sites) say they’ve had trouble with married men posing as single dreamboats.

Some sites allow members to post "discreet" listings, which allow them to not announce their marital status. Others, like Match.com, will boot you off if you’re reported to be less than legally separated. (oh really? not from what the recent class action suits say! And do you really think a cheater will ADMIT they are married? - Fighter) Posting an online personal advertisement is a clear ethical no-no when you’re hitched. But can you flirt in a chat room if you are espoused but filled with ennui?

Interestingly, men say chatting is cheating more than women, according to a member survey by imatchup.com. Only 35 percent of ladies think online flirting is a breach of the wedding vows, compared to 48 percent of men.

The problems presented by wed surfers posing as singles has opened the door to companies like Marriedsecrets.com, yet another married-but-still-dating Web site. There are now close to 100 of these type of sites.

"Thirty percent of those who use online dating services are married," the Web site claims. "Why not join a site specifically designed for you? With marriedsecrets.com, there’s no excuses, no explanations."

5. Jealous Spouse Panty Raids
If you think your spouse is a louse, you don’t have to wash your dirty laundry in public. You can investigate yourself by checking for incriminating DNA evidence.

The CheckMate 5-Minute Infidelity Kit, available at DNAplus.com for $49.95, allows you to soak your spouse’s suspiciously stained underwear with a chemical and then blot it with a strip of paper. It’s similar to a pregnancy test.

The company claims Checkmate is effective on both men and women, even if the man is using a condom or the woman showers after a tryst. The Web site is also marketing Checkmate as a way for parents to find out if their child has become sexually active.

For best results when checking up on your spouse, the company suggests you abstain from sex with your partner for a few days to make sure the suspicious stain came from a third party (and perhaps at a third party).

To be doubly sure, the company provides a service of testing the husband’s sperm and comparing it with the questionable underwear.

What should you do while you abstain from sex with your alleged ratfink of a partner? Why not cruise the Internet, where you’re sure to find kindred spirits looking for companionship?

Buck Wolf is entertainment producer at ABCNEWS.com.

Just a FEW other Internet "Cheating Sites"
www.mate1.com
www.philanderers.com
www.meet2cheat.com
www.discreetadventures.com
www.marriedsecrets.com
www.dateplace.com
www.bangmatch.com
www.iwantu.com
www.sexsearch.com
www.utopiaguide.com
www.redpersonals.com
www.Married-Woman-Personals.com
www.marriedsingles.com
www.outsidelove.com
http://www.internethookups.com

These do NOT include the numerous online dating sites, penpal sites, reunion sites or chat sites (such as Yahoo Personals) where a person lies about being single or divorced; to the best of our knowledge.

CYBER CHEATING - A growing cause for Divorce

Cyber-cheating a growing cause of divorce;
online surveillance increases as result.
By Jeffrey Cottrill

Not only has the Internet made it easy to meet other people without leaving your own home, it has also provided spouses with a new instrument for starting (and carrying out) extramarital affairs. Whether the perpetrators are unhappy in their marriages, bored with their married sex lives, or merely flirting, "cyber-cheating" is now a common element in cases of marital breakdown.

"It can happen in three or four different ways," explains Dallas attorney Mike McCurley, a past-president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), who says that cyber-affairs are increasingly a cause of divorce.

"First, spouses can develop relationships with somebody they already know from work or somewhere else. It's easy to communicate with someone secretively on the computer, as opposed to on the phone.

Secondly, people actually meet through the web and form relationships that way.

Third, there's the pornography area, which has every kind of invitation you could imagine."

Chicago lawyer Paul Feinstein, also an AAML member, says he hasn't yet seen many cases involving cyber-affairs, but the new phenomenon doesn't surprise him. "The Internet provides one more diversion -- something people can do separately from their spouses," he says. "But is it a cause of marital breakdown or is it a symptom? That's the age-old debate."

As a result, many websites now sell electronic surveillance software designed to catch spouses who cheat "virtually". For example, Infidelity.com offers a program that secretly sends you a copy of every e-mail your spouse sends. Software available from other sites allows you to track each website and chatroom your spouse visits. Some programs even record every key stroke in real time.

"The benefit is that you can monitor their sites and e-mails," says Anthony DeLorenzo, the founder of Infidelity.com and a former private investigator specializing in extramarital affairs. "I don't see any drawbacks. We send them the software, and if they find out that their spouse is meeting the other person somewhere, they can follow and possibly videotape them."

The market for this kind of software is not happily married couples: if you've reached the stage where you feel the need to spy on your spouse, you know your relationship is in serious trouble.

"There are very few instances where 'spying' can improve a relationship," admits John LaSage, who founded ChatCheaters.com after his wife of 23 years left him for a man in New Zealand that she'd met on the web. "But surveillance products could be useful as a last resort, after all other options have been exhausted. For some, it can be difficult to believe what their heart and brain is telling them about the person that they've trusted the most. Right or wrong, they want physical proof." Many people feel more comfortable handling the situation by themselves than approaching a P.I., adds LaSage. "Infidelity can be a private issue they won't even discuss with friends or family."

However, because of the obvious privacy issues, the legality of surveillance software is highly questionable.

"The laws concerning this aren't yet fully determined," says McCurley, "but my best advice is: 'don't do that.' It's a risk you don't want to take -- whether through a computer or a telephone. There are many legal ways to find out whether your spouse is cheating that involve using a private investigator or an attorney. There are federal and state laws concerning eavesdropping and wiretapping."

Feinstein agrees.

"In about 90% of cases, cyber-cheating really doesn't matter, because fault is deemed irrelevant in most states anyway," he adds. "In some cases, I've received some intercepted e-mails with varying relevance; how the clients got them is beyond me."

Both DeLorenzo and LaSage agree that, with or without do-it-yourself surveillance, the best way to handle cyber-adultery is to confront your spouse directly. "If your spouse is cheating, there's obviously a problem with the marriage," says DeLorenzo. "You need to confront the person about it, and then either go to therapy to get help or to an attorney to get a divorce. There's no middle ground here."

LaSage says that many web affairs grow unexpectedly out of innocent surfing and chatting. "In many cases, people do not set out on the Internet intending to cheat. They start out thinking it's okay to do a little flirting because they feel they're in control of the relationship. They can remain anonymous, they can stop the communication anytime they choose, and they believe, as I have heard countless times on my website, 'it's not cheating if there's no touching.'

"The most important recommendation I can give is to not ignore the issue," LaSage adds. "It seems a natural response for people discovering an affair to deny what they're feeling."

How Cheaters Use the Internet to Seek New Romance

Are you in a relationship? If you are, cheating may be a concern of yours. After all, cheating is an issue that many of us have become alto familiar with. You may have been cheated on in the past, you may have known someone else who has been, or you may have learned all about cheating from the television and movies.

If you suspect that your partner is cheating on you, they may be using the internet to do so. Why?

Because the internet has made it very easy for cheaters to seek new romance. Not only is the internet making online affairs easy and convenient, but many cheaters think the internet makes it harder to get caught.

Unfortunately for them and luckily for you, the computer often tells the tale.

As for how men and women use the internet to seek new romance online, there are a number of different approaches taken. One of those is social networking websites. Now, it is important to know that social networking sites, like MySpace, have increased in popularity over the past few years. Just because your partner uses a social networking website, it does not mean that they are cheating on you. They may truly just be interested in connecting with old friends.

Be cautious, however, of a profile that you cannot see or access or the appearance of old girlfriends.

Dating websites are also how many cheaters use the internet to seek new romance online. Unfortunately, dating websites are more risky than social networking websites. If your husband, wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend uses an online dating site, they may have the intention of actually meeting the person at the other end of the computer. This is when an affair stops becoming just an emotional affair and often starts becoming a physical affair. If you ever find that your partner is using an online dating website, be aware because there is a good chance that they are cheating on you or intend to start soon.

As it was previously stated, the internet does make it easier for cheaters to start romances online, but it is also relatively easy to catch a cheater online. To get started, check your computer’s internet history.

To do so, open up a new Internet Explorer or Firefox window. Along the top of the page, you will see the history icon. Clicking on this will tell you all of the websites visited in the past few days.

Be suspicious of no information, as it may mean that the history was purposely cleared.

A keylogger program, also occasionally referred to as a keyword tracker, can also be installed on your computer. These programs work to capture each word that is typed on your computer. If you think that your partner is communicating with their sex partner or partners online through email or in chat room sessions, you may be able to see exactly what it is they are saying. These types of programs can be expensive, but they can also provide you with the proof that you need.

You can read more about KeyLogging here ...

You can also always take the direct approach. If your partner is using the computer and acting secretive, demand to see what they are looking at. Walk over to the computer immediately, request that they get up and you take their seat. View the computer’s internet history immediately. This allows you to see what they have been looking at online before giving a computer savvy cheater time to cover their tracks.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE

When Victims Talk: Love Cheat Fails at Scamming Big Women

(U.K.) Two 20-stone women targeted by a philanderer with a fetish for overweight lovers have joined forces and dumped him from their lives.

Angry Amanda Hart, who at 20-stone is two stones lighter than her one-time love rival Michelle Flack, says her ex used her weight as a way of controlling her when she was at her lowest.

The 25-year-old says that after years of being alone and bingeing on junk food he promised her that she was the woman for him. She says she even feared that he would leave her for a slimmer woman, unaware he was already dating a much heavier woman behind her back.

Both women met fireman Matt Kemp after they logged on to find love on dating website Smooch.

After a whirlwind romance with the 27-year-old Amanda swiftly moved her new love into her home. The 25-year-old had turned to the online dating agency after she struggled to find a boyfriend who would accept her.

Amanda, of St Leonards-On-Sea, Sussex, said: 'Matt was totally charming, he was quite a talker. He genuinely didn't seem to mind my weight. If anything he made me feel good about my size.'

Within months the couple were planning their wedding and a future together even though he was already seeing Michelle, 33, from Chelmsford in Essex.

Michelle, who turned to the dating site after her marriage failed, added: 'He picks on women that are vulnerable and controls them. I've moved on and am engaged to someone else. Amanda is a good friend now.'

The women came face to face when Amanda decided to pick up her then fiance from his work in Chelmsford, the same town where Michelle lived.

With only three months to go until their wedding she was horrified to see him with another woman outside the firestation where he worked.

Amanda said: 'At the end of June, Matt said he was working away as a fireman in Chelmsford. I agreed to pick him up from the station where he was based.

'He liked big girls - at 22st Michelle was even larger than me. I obviously wasn't big enough for my fat fetish fiance. But sat in the car waiting for him I saw him with this other woman. A big woman - at least my size. My stomach churned. Something about the scene didn't look right to me.

'Matt quickly got in the car but the mystery woman followed him and opened my driver's door. She said "I don't mean to be rude but who are you?" I told her I was Matt's fiance and she said she was his girlfriend.'

Matt denied he was having an affair but Amanda kicked him out and cancelled their dream wedding after discovering him chatting to Michelle on Facebook.

'Matt promised that I was perfect for him, whatever size I was, and when I sent out the wedding invites I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have a fiance who would walk up the aisle with a bride my size. At the back of my mind I always had a lingering fear that he would dump me for a slimmer girl but I knew that Matt loved me - and my curves.

'He liked big girls - at 22st Michelle was even larger than me. I obviously wasn't big enough for my fat fetish fiance. 'I felt like I had let myself down and also my family because we all welcomed him in. He moved in and we would cuddle in front of the TV with a pizza I thought I'd found the one.'

Michelle, of Chelmsford, Essex, admits she met Matt on the dating site after her husband divorced her for getting too fat - but says she was unaware he was cheating.

Michelle said: 'I was insecure about my size after my husband left me but Matt reassured me he wasn't interested in thinner girls. He helped me through my divorce and I trusted him. Matt told me that he liked big women. The bigger, the better, he said.'

Matt said: 'I was engaged to Amanda and we even went and saw the wedding venue. We were going to be married in September. Michelle was lust and not love. I know I hurt Amanda but I never loved Michelle. I wish I hadn't done what I did.'

original article found here

REVENGE.COM: HOW THE INTERNET FUELS THE BATTLE OF THE EXES

by Katy Guest
Famous people do it in the press, but the rest of us have always had to seek revenge on errant lovers in the courts, or by cutting up their clothes. Not any more. The internet is providing the perfect means for ordinary men and women to strike back at their exes.

Several websites have been set up to exploit the taste for vengeance, the latest of which is (now defunct) myexwifesabitch.com.

"Demonic, resentful and spiteful" is how one man describes his former partner during a lengthy rant about access to their daughter, who is named. He also describes his ex as "vindictive, malicious, mean and a cheat".

Most revenge sites are for women. But myexwifesabitch. com has been set up for men by Dave Schofield and Bryan Sibbald from Bristol.

"I went through a divorce and it ended up costing me over pounds 20,000," says Mr Schofield. "You end up financially stuffed and the worst thing is you are forced by law and by an angry ex-partner not to see your daughter.

"We wanted to help people get through the situation."

For a fee of pounds 25, members tell their own stories and look for friends in similar positions. "It's not anti-women," the site insists - although women may disagree. "In a world when the legal system penalises men and the world kowtows to women this is a great opportunity for men to stand up for themselves," it claims.

Mr Schofield is unrepentant about the name: "Every woman I have told the title to so far has laughed. My ex probably wouldn't, though."

Abused as she is, his ex-wife is at least allowed anonymity unlike the stars of www.cheated-on.com. The site was set up in June by Susan Hughes, 29, from Devon after she discovered that her dashing RAF pilot boyfriend had made like the hero of the song "Soldier, Soldier, Will You Marry Me?", and already had a wife.

So she got even, and created a forum for her fellow victims of infidelity. In the Cheats Gallery, devious exes are named and shamed. "For six quid for the bus fare he let my pet lizard lick Marmite from his nuts," writes one ex with admirable nonchalance, beside a named photo of the guilty man. "Revenge is a very natural human emotion," says Paula Hall, a relationship therapist with Relate. "How you decide to act on that varies. It can be constructive, very destructive or even illegal. But when it's done purely to hurt, one repercussion is the damage done to the self-esteem of the person doing the hurting."

Damaged self-esteem was not the only repercussion suffered by Paul Clarke when he took revenge on his unfaithful girlfriend. He created a website that showed videos of them making love, and told friends, family and colleagues. "I don't know who's seen this website," said his ex, Cara Whitehouse, in court. "My life is ruined." Clarke was jailed for three months.

So it may be worth thinking twice before visiting www.calastrology.com/spells and buying a "Retribution Spell" for your partner, or selling your "unwanted gift from a low-life rat" on eBay, like Sam Jones did when her partner denied paternity of her baby. But Thea Newcomb, of www.soyouvebeendumped.com thinks she has a better answer.

"SYBD is about positive revenge," she says. Since the site was set up, Ms Newcomb has helped dozens of cheated partners sell their stories to newspapers and magazines, and they have made a fortune.

"She went to university and from then on she started cheating on me. She is one of those girls that always gets her way and then gets away with all the bad things she has done. She even had sex with me after we broke up and was apparently in love with somebody else ... I can only imagine the stuff I haven't heard about her from my circle. Have I mentioned how much I hate her?"

A Welsh dumpee tells www.is-a-cheat.com about "Gemma":

"He had three long-term girlfriends (that we know of) at once, spanning three years. None of them knew about the existence of the others. Two lived with him at different times in his flat. He spoke of marriage and children with all three of us! His explanation for periods of separation was his dedication to looking after his elderly grandmother."

A member of (now defunct) cheated-on.com dishes the dirt on Jason from Hampshire:

GETTING EVEN
Laura Milnes, 40, above, from Maltby, south Yorkshire, became involved with a married man when they met up again through the website Friends Reunited. Earlier this year she found he was cheating on her with several different women he had met on internet dating sites. Laura went to see his wife. Together, they worked out the password to his email account and Laura forwarded his intimate emails to everyone in his address book.

"I had it all ready to send but I was scared at first. I felt like I'd wasted a whole year of my life, being devoted to him, and it was all a sham. I thought, nobody will write back, nobody will say anything. So I sent it. But then I got all these emails saying, `How awful for you' and `Good for you' for doing it. I just wanted them to see that he was not the honest, nice family man that they thought; he was actually a pig."He didn't get back in touch until a week later. He wasn't angry or anything, he just said, `Why did you do it?' I said, `Impulse. I was just so angry with you.'

"He says he doesn't hate me. But we're not in touch.

"I'm glad I did it because when somebody does something bad to you, you get all chewed up and angry and bitter and you've got to release it. It's like when you have a big argument; you clear the air.

"It's ironic how our relationship started on the internet, and that is also how I got my revenge. I think it's called poetic justice! I would recommend it, it's very satisfying."

ORIGINAL ARTICLE

CHECK: SAVE 'THE PSYCHO EX-WIFE AND THEIR FIRST AMENDMENT BATTLE

SPYING - for those being cheated on

By: Dr. Robert Huizenga

Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse. The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is often strong. There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful. Here are seven:

1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you confronted your cheating husband or cheating wife and it was met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn’t fit! I don’t believe it! To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil. If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at least know that you can trust yourself.

You are NOT CRAZY! Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.

2. Spying on cheating husbands or cheating wives often helps the person feel connected to the partner who seems to be steadily moving away. It is a way of maintaining contact and having some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known. Isnt it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties.

3. Spying on a cheating spouse may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait. You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life. You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.

4. Cheating husbands or cheating wives often, unfortunately, lead to the demise of marital relationships. If you strongly suspect this to be true for your situation you will want to protect yourself legally. If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the relationship. Having evidence does have some impact in some court systems. Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you and the character of your spouse. If your spouse is someone who can't say no, doesn't want to say no or is acting outraged, please make sure to take protective steps.

5. You may want to protect yourself medically if you suspect you have a cheating husband or wife. You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to know. Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your relationship.

6. Seeing signs of a cheating spouse often mean secrets. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact. It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there.

Emotionally, you cant miss it. Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things. Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load. You want to spy because you dont want to live with a secret. You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life.

7. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational triangles that offer intrigue. Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy on your cheating spouse to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.