READING RED FLAG BEHAVIORS IN INTERNET DATING

by Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN

So you’re single again and the concept of Internet dating seems new and exciting! Upon your first glimpse, you feel like a kid in a candy store! New partners by the hundreds! People just like you – divorced, or otherwise broken relationships, hurt feelings, wounded souls – just looking to be loved by someone like YOU! Right??

Well, beware. Just as you need to be careful when you meet people in the bar scene, the Internet is chock full of predators as well. However, there are lots of "Red Flags" to look for to protect yourself, IF you know how to read the signs.

I’m tempted to write a book just on Internet dating "smarts." You know – things like what to say and not to say to appear to be kind, generous, and all those things that make the writer appear to be a perfect catch. And yet, how would the unsuspecting know then? The red flags would all be hidden and booby traps would be walked into by unsuspecting victims by the score!

Naw – I think it’s best to warn you – the recipient, what to look for and let the narcissistic Don Juan’s (or their female counterparts) show their true colors for what they are!

Here are a few actual statements from profiles of men currently on the Internet dating scene …

"I’m one of those individuals that is looking for a attractive, well kept, female…"

On his description of himself, he claims to be "very attractive."(Big red flag!) Hmmmm… has he looked in the mirror lately? Balding, slightly overweight, posed in three pictures on his Harley need I say more?

"Seeking smart, funny, sexy, balanced, introspective, well read, credible, flexible, independent, complete woman with a fine ass. If her ass is other than fine, I’ll guess we’ll have to focus on her brains and personality. If you’re not smiling right now, then my sense of humor either didn’t translate or you’ll not think me charming."

Was that supposed to be cute and endear him to me? I’ll pass…

Then of course, there are the guys who list their income, ($100,000 -$200,000!) and absolutely nothing else about themselves! Guess they figure that with their money they can get anyone they want. If you fall for that, it’s important to realize up front that money is the only thing important to them. There will not be depth of character, an interesting, empathetic personality, an interest in YOU.

"I dress my women in the finest clothes." (MY WOMEN?!)

This actual statement came from the same $200,000 income gentleman who sent me this quick email that said, "Meet me at Jake’s Bar tomorrow night at 7. You won’t be disappointed!" That’s it. No info on him except about his money and how he "dressed HIS women in the finest clothes."

Hmmmmm… when I opened up his photos, there he was with a woman who looked just like me! Talk about CREEPY!

I wrote him back and said "No thank you," that I didn’t think our profiles showed much in common. He wrote back livid … "What? You’re refusing to meet with me?" In essence … his ego screamed back over email, (never a pretty site) and I blocked any further communication with this demigod with all his money and fine clothes!

Another man (age 64), "winked" at me (I’m 48) to show me that he was interested. I guess he thought he was saving himself time and trouble with a bio that said something like this:

"I have retired here in Texas where it is warm and I can spend lots of time on my boat. Seeking a wonderful, attractive, intelligent woman companion to do the same with me. No fatties please."

NO FATTIES, PLEASE?!

Does he think that only overweight women will then leave him alone? Is he so blind not to understand that ANY woman with a brain will see that and say "What a jerk!"

Then of course, there are those mid life crisis statements that send me running the other way… Things like "Seeking someone age 25 – 35" when they themselves are 45 or beyond. (What, do they want to date their daughter? Will she even know what he’s talking about when he mentions the Kennedy asassination?) Or even weirder, the guy is age 45 but he’s looking for someone up to age 44. Now what’s up with that?

Of course, the other side of that is someone who is middle aged but has to be sure to tell readers in the first paragraph that "I look and act much younger than my age." PLEEAAASSEEEE!!!

Of course, if you do meet with one that seems like Mr. (or Ms.) Right, don’t be surprised if the person who arrives for your date looks 10 or 15 years older than the person in the photos … posting pics from the "younger years" seems to be a common behavior as well!

If someone seems too good to be true … they probably are!

SOURCE

Trolling the Internet for Prey: Cyberpaths

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  from: http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/
  
  The internet offers fertile ground for psychopaths, who are constantly on the prowl for potential new victims while continuing to intimidate and harass their previous ones.
  
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  • Please find below an informative article on psychopaths on the internet (or “cyberpaths”) by a wordpress blogger, Lisa (relentlessabundance.wordpress.com).
    
    What is the cyberpath looking for?
    
    Like all psychopathic personalities, the cyberpath tends to get bored easily. He looks for ways to fill his boredom with exploits that will satisfy his need for personal gratification. The Internet provides a wide array of offerings – chatrooms and discussion groups, mailing lists, social networking sites, and many portals for interpersonal communication with a huge variety of people. The cyberpath tends to find someone that gratifies his need to feed his narcissistic desire for attention – whether with intrigue, argument, conflict or adoration and love. He may flit from one victim to another quite quickly, or may stay with a single victim for an extended period, depending on how long the victim continues to feed this endless need.
    
    Dominance and power form recurrent themes in the social relations of psychopathic personalities. The cyberpath constantly seeks to dominate and control others. This takes a variety of forms:
    
    •in arguments and debates, he constantly needs to have the last word;
    •he attempts to silence others and close discussion with his point of view;
    •he will resort to insults and attacks in order to retain dominance;
    •if he seems to be losing his dominant position in an argument, he will abandon it, forget it and later deny it rather than face any sort of compromise of his dominance.
  
  
  • In his personal relationships, his bids for adulation and devotion will take on more subtle forms:
  
  
  • he will go to great lengths to elicit love and devotion from others;
  
  
  • he is only interested in the thrill of achieving or winning this, and once the relationship gets past its initial excitement phase, his boredom and need for further validation will lead him to seek out further victims;
  
  
  • he is highly adept at lying, and even as his lies get discovered, he will refashion his story to make himself appear credible, often using the stance of humility and remorse to get himself out of a corner.
  
  
  

  Gradually he will have to set up new online profiles and sites in order to clear away any previous evidence of his track record repeating itself.

  
  

  Psychopathic personalities enjoy playing jokes and tricks on others in order to humiliate them or assert dominance. In other words, he is not necessarily looking for money or sex; he may simply be looking for the thrill of a new connection, a new game. This is not to say that the psychopath is necessarily aware of what he’s doing; he may not even realise or acknowledge that he is hurting or exploiting others in his quest for attention and narcissistic supply. Indeed, his own sense of need and lack may be so great that it may express itself in very genuine self-pity, heartfelt longing and sweeping declarations of love and desire.
  
  A psychopath tends to play the same games over and over. He tends to have no real interest in your inner emotional state as he is incapable of actual empathy (although he may have a deep desire to feel empathy, and may indeed claim to feel it). Consequently, few psychopaths are actually stalkers. They do not connect emotionally to others, so once a relationship has run out of steam for them, they simply move onto the next person that piques their interest. For those who have found themselves at the end of a relationship with a psychopathic individual, one of the most frustrating aspects of the breakup can be the lack of any acknowledgement that the relationship even happened.
  
  Gordon Banks, in his essay “Don Juan as Psychopath” points out that this personality “gives no real love, though he is quite capable of inspiring love of sometimes fanatical degree in others”. Of course, after the relationship is over, it means very little to the cyberpath, who tends to turn cold (and sometimes even vicious) but the victim may find themselves shocked, devastated or seriously traumatised.

  
  
  • The perverse twist to this theme is that the psychopathic personality may take pleasure in “psychoanalysing” his victims, and casting them as crazy, obsessive and even delusional (and reinforcing his own power as the dominant “rational” figure in the relationship).
    
    Most cyberpaths are not the kinds of hardened criminals that go as far as murder, rape and the other crimes we’ve come to associate with literary and filmic “psychos”. Rather, they tend to commit crimes of deceit, lying and infidelity. Their manipulation will go as far as seemingly heartfelt confessions, as well as successive revisions of their own narratives. Sadly, they will often actually believe their own stories.
    
    A cyberpath will keep his victim hooked for as long as she keeps fuelling his narcissistic desire for devotion and approval. However, the charade will drop when this starts waning (typically the phase of a relationship where normal couples settle down from the initial infatuation into the normalcy of their relationship). Alternatively, it may drop when the cyberpath simply gets bored of his current victim and requires a more novel buzz.
    
    What may attract you to a psychopath initially
    
    •he may appear extraordinarily articulate, impressive and charming
    •his provocative behaviour might initially seem attractively brave,
    daring or “true to self”; later when it makes you uncomfortable, you might well rationalise it by remembering that it’s part of what makes him “special”
    •he will “zone in” on you and make you feel like you are at the centre of something extraordinary
    •irresistibly, he will insist that your relationship eclipses and surpasses anything that went before – you are the first person that has truly seen or understood him; the best lover he has ever had; the first person with whom he has been truly honest or truly “himself” (indeed, he may believe this himself, as he does not have any emotional recall for previous relationships)
    •even if he has cheated on or betrayed someone else in the initial stages of your relationship, he will twist this to demonstrate that you are the special case – now that he’s found you, there can be no further dishonesty
    •he may overtly or subtly assert his dominance over you as a kind of private privilege
    •he may create a heightened sense of intimacy (a sort of “me and you against the world” in-club) by insisting that you alone understand him and share his unique perspective.
  
  
  The sorts of things that might alert you to psychopathic tendencies
  •consistent failure to conform to social norms (e.g. a tendency to speak or behave to shock others, insistently provocative behaviour)
  •deceitfulness, lying, creation of multiple aliases
  •insulting or humiliating treatment
  •arrogance, a sense of entitlement, inflated sense of ego
  •a tendency to “psychoanalyse” others, especially previous exes, as insane or obsessive
  •coolly rationalising or “explaining away” previous incidents in which he has hurt, mistreated or lied to others
  •lack of empathy, guilt or remorse for previous misdemeanours and previous victims
  •a limited or nonexistent social circle, largely made up of people he sees rarely or online acquaintances, rather than close friends or confidantes
  •a pattern of serious mental illness or psychosis in his family; fraught or nonexistent family ties.



• If you have been in a relationship with a psychopathic personalit:


• get as far away from them as you can, as quickly as possible


• don’t bother trying to communicate with them about the relationship – they will be unable to enter into a meaningful dialogue


• if you seek to expose them, bear in mind they are likely to respond with vitriolic rage, threats, vicious and hurtful communication, or attempts to discredit you and smear your reputation


• resign yourself to the fact that you are unlikely to retrieve anything from them unless you are fortunate enough to have a legally binding contract from before they turned cold on you
  •don’t beat yourself up about not recognising the signs earlier; just act as soon as you do


• seek therapy as soon as possible; the trauma of these encounters can be long-lasting and profound


• if possible, warn others of your experience


• bear in mind he will be doing his best to cast you as irrational or downright crazy, so it might not be possible or worthwhile to warn his friends or his most recent victim


• tempting as it is to try get him to hear your point of view, cut your losses and keep away from any further contact.
  

The other side of the coin

With around 4% of the general population displaying psychopathic traits, some psychologists readily regard psychopathy, like some forms of autistic traits, as “just another way of being”. The psychopaths that end up committing socially unacceptable crimes such as rape and murder are simply the ‘unsuccessful psychopaths’; the successful ones may actually exploit their tendencies to achieve great outward trappings of success. Intelligence, charm and uncompromising self-interest can be a recipe for high earnings and some degree of social (or at least sexual) success. That said, if you’re among of the 96% of the population that values a degree of empathy and compassion in your friends and partners, it’s worth knowing what to look out for.

Lisa, http://relentlessabundance.wordpress.com

Seduced into Scams: Online Lovers Often Duped

By Bob Sullivan

Richie's picture showed a jolly, bearded man curled up on a couch with a cat rubbing his face. "Loving, caring and hardworking," the online dating profile said.

When Theresa Smalley received a note from Richie last January asking if she wanted to chat, she was flattered. He seemed cute. The two began exchanging e-mails, friendly at first, but quickly swelling in intensity and passion. By Valentine's Day, Smalley received a box of chocolate candy, a teddy bear, and a helium balloon that said "I love you." Smalley, 46, was hooked, even though she had never met him.

Richie said he was from Milford, Mass., but that he was out of the country on a big construction job. He was helping build a stadium in Nigeria, he said. As soon as he returned, he promised, he'd come visit Smalley in Ohio. He couldn't wait, and neither could she.

The spirited e-mail romance hummed along for another two months before there was a problem. Richie said his boss paid him in postal money orders, and he was having trouble cashing them. Could Theresa do a small favor for him? Could she cash the money order for him, then wire the money to him in Nigeria? Smalley agreed, and over the next two weeks, she cashed two $900 money orders and sent along the funds. Then, Richie was ready to leave the country, but needed money to deal with a visa problem. She cashed another money order.

Then, Smalley's bank called her. Something was wrong.

"I had to call a special number at the bank. Even up until that point I still believed him. I had no qualms whatsoever cashing (the money orders)," Smalley said. Even after the bank told her the money orders had been altered — they were purchased for $20, but then "washed" and doctored to read $900 — she still held out hope. But a friend pointed her to an Internet site devoted to Nigerian scams, and suddenly, Smalley's world crashed down around her.

'My whole world had fallen apart'
"The bank told me I was responsible for that money. I had to pay them $2,700, which was everything I had," she said. "I was devastated. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart.

Smalley shared her version of events with MSNBC.com in the hopes that others might not fall for the same trickery.

"Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever known that this is all a part of an elaborate online scam. He spent four months gaining my trust and he did it."

So-called Nigerian scams, where victims are ultimately tricked into sending money to the African country using some irreversible method like a wire transfer, are common. The Secret Service and other U.S. agencies have issued warnings on the scams, also known as "419" or "advance-fee" frauds. But the seductive flavor of this type of the scam — known to some as "sweetheart scams" — and the incredible patience shown by the scammer reveal just how far con artists will go to trick their marks.

Ryan W. of Washington state, who asked that his last name be withheld, says he sent $15,200 to a similarly seductive scammer. And he wasn't even using an online dating service. Ryan was approached while hanging out in a chat room devoted to Grateful Dead fans. His seducer also claimed to be an American out of the country getting paid via money order, and also ultimately asked him to cash them. Five weeks later, when the bank came calling, all $11,000 in Ryan's bank account — most of it from a student loan earmarked for next semester's tuition — was frozen by his bank.

"Typically people go on the Net to get dates. I was just on there trading music," he said. "The thing that duped me was the whole music issue. She seemed to be into the music I was into."

Flowers bought with stolen credit cards
Nigerian-based con artists seem to have seized on sweetheart scams of late, said Dale Miskell, supervisory special agent in charge of an FBI cybercrime squad in Birmingham, Ala. Scam artists post ads to online dating sites and lurk in chat rooms with names like "40 and single," or "Recently dumped." Often, they reach out to a lonely soul with flowers or candy, purchased with a stolen credit card.

"A little gift of flowers or candy is a good aphrodisiac," said Miskell. "The next thing you know, they are in love. I can't tell you the number of women who have fallen for this."

Eventually, the con artists convince their soulmates to do them a big favor — help transfer funds out of the bank.

There have been so many victims that they are starting to find each other online. A new Yahoo group, "RomanceScams," was founded last month by Smalley and Barb Sluppick, who said she almost fell for a similar scam earlier this year. Among the hundreds of messages posted to the group are photographs of alleged scammers, links to potentially fraudulent online dating ads, and copies of come-on e-mails. The group is trying to publicize the problem to limit the damage.

"How many people are out there thinking they found the love of their life and they have no clue what's happening?" Sluppick said. "The first thing most people say to me when they contact me is, 'I can't believe I was so stupid.' "

Sweetheart scams appear to be on the rise, said Julie Ferguson, executive director of the Merchant Risk Council, which tracks scams for online retailers.

"I am definitely getting more calls on this. I used to get one every three months. Now, I get one every couple of weeks or so because it's the easiest way to get somebody hooked," Ferguson said. "The stories are so-gut-wrenching sad."

Some scammers seem to deliberately target groups set up for Christian singles, she said, where people may be less likely to be suspicious. "When you are meeting someone else on a Christian site, you think you are safe."

No dating site is immune from scams, said Jason Tarlowe, who operates MatchDoctor.com, where Smalley met Richie. "This hurts our business. We don't want this," Tarlowe said. "We're trying to do everything possible ... We don't want people to be taken in."

But they are, said Donna Gregory, supervisory internet crime specialist at the FBI's Internet Fraud Complaint Center. She said the con artists are relentless.

"We've even seen them take as long as a year (to seduce a mark)," Gregory said. Con artists will hunt for people's weaknesses, find out what they care about -- such as Grateful Dead music -- and then go in for the kill.

Sometimes, the online suitors don't even ask before sending money orders. They just send them, then guilt their targets into forwarding on the cash, Gregory said. In other cases, the con artists aren't after money -- they are after shipping help. They ask their correspondents to "re-ship" items to locations in Nigeria. The goods are often purchased with stolen credit cards, but the con artists have trouble getting them delivered out of the country, because many U.S. merchants are now wary of shipping to Nigeria. So the criminals need a middle-man.

"They say, 'Oh, once you have them, why not just send them? People say, 'I've got these packages and I don't know why,'" Gregory said.

Sluppick said one confused victim in her Yahoo support group currently has about $50,000 in merchandise that's been sent to her home, and she doesn't know what to do with it.

The Merchant Risk Council's Ferguson said victims can always contact her agency for help returning merchandise to the retailers.

'Keep your money to yourself'
But there is no returning money to consumers who have wired funds overseas, hoping to cement a love bond. Smalley said other would-be victims need to know about the perils of online matchmaking, and they need to listen to the little voices of hesitation and concern inside that she failed to heed.

"So much came back to me after all of this was done," she said. "I sat there thinking about everything. But these guys are professionals. They have the time. They have the patience."

Rhoda Cook has for years operated a Web site named straightshooter.net which maintains a database of sweetheart con artists. She's seen many varieties of romance scams, online and off. There's nothing new about charming men and women swindling would-be lovers, she said.

"When they invented the car, the con artist could drive to the next county. Now they can get on the Internet and go across the world," Cook said. "When you meet someone and you really want someone you just want to believe them."

Her advice to daters is the same, online or off:

"Enjoy the relationship, but keep your money to yourself," she said. "That way, if it goes wrong, all you're going to lose is your heart."

original article here

DO THEY EVER ADMIT THEY ARE LYING OR TWISTED THE FACTS?

"The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor
is the mind of the oppressed."
- Stephen Biko



DO THEY EVER ADMIT THEY ARE LYING OR TWISTED THE FACTS?

from this group

(EOPC believes Cyberpathy is an expression of Narcissism and other Cluster B disorders)

We work to try to understand the essence of the [cyberpath]. When I was trying to explain the N to a friend, she understood an N as someone not "able to face the pain of imagining they did something wrong". I wasn't sure about this so did a quick internet search on narcissists and admitting wrong and accepting fault, and got these quotes:

- The [cyberpath] often notices that something is wrong with him and with his life -- but he never admits it.

- ... the [cyberpath] is incapable of admitting that something is wrong with HIM

- They will never admit fault, they will never say they are sorry. If something goes wrong, they will play the victim. They will blame others.

- Remember they will never admit they are wrong, they will never debase themselves with an apology. They will never laugh at themselves.

"[I suspect my husband is a narcissist]. Last night we got into an argument over our daughters homework and he was absolutely livid because he was wrong and he knew he was wrong but could not admit it. He try's to place blame on anyone and everyone but himself."

- Narcissistic Cyberpaths adore themselves. They live for themselves, they think they can do no wrong and will not admit to wrongdoing [re: traits common to 6 year olds and adult narcissists] They are not suffering from 'low self-esteem'

- [For the cyberpath] to admit to one failing, to acknowledge a mistake, even a simple human error of judgement, would be to open the door to the deep internal lack within. The illusion of perfection, maintained by projecting faults onto someone else, is a barrier to be constantly tended, mended and shored up. To admit any feelings of deficiency would be the equivalent of poking a hole in the dyke, an event to be feared as a total disaster.

[Cyberpaths] blame all problems on the "all-bad." It's never the cyberpath's fault; it's always someone else's.

The last paragraph speaks truly from a cyberpath's perspective. It's the victim's fault.

If the two of you have a conflict, he'll tweak the facts as much as he has to to make it all your fault.

His perverse way of turning everything into my fault and his blaming left me battered and exhausted.

Cyberpaths who were children of entitlement:
Externalization of Blame -- The child cannot allow the bad feelings of being at fault for anything. He/she/they/YOU are the problem! He avoids feeling vulnerable by blaming others. The fragile self esteem cannot be punctured by taking responsibility for behavior. His script is "Do not expose me to those intolerable feelings inside. I can't handle it."

Since the false self is grandiose and perfect, relationship problems are never the fault of the narcissist.

For making a change (whether great or small) implies that the narcissist has been two things they "cannot stand": imperfect (something is actually wrong with "them") and at fault ("they" actually were wrong, weak, or inferior somehow).

It can't be HIS fault - he is perfect.

The cyberpath says in effect, "Something doesn't feel right. I'm too special to be the cause, therefore it must be your fault."

LOOK OUT FOR THE "COCKTAIL PERSONALITY" CYBERPATH!

Definition: Someone with a "cocktail personality".

This individual possesses the chameleon-like capability of recognizing the strength and weaknesses in another individuals personality and adapting to them in a way that not only accelerates, but grossly intensifies the "merging".

(merging may include the Cyberpath taking pieces of personality and/or history from a partner(s) or close friend(s) or target(s). Or seeming to have 'so much in common' or be 'just like' the target to create a false sense of bonding)

(Commonly seen in persons with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder) Sound like any Cyberpaths You Know? (sounds like ALL of ours) - EOPC

Cybersex: The Electronic Homewrecker

Think an online rendezvous may involve physically 'safer' sex?
Find out what the consequences can be.
By Ian Mulgrew

The family computer - purchased to help the kids with their education, or to help a stay-at-home partner with his or her small business - is quickly becoming a conduit of temptation for the lonely, the unhappy, the bored and dissatisfied.

Among the estimated 90 million or so North Americans who log on daily, increasing numbers are actively exploring sexuality in ways that were unheard of until now. The workplace, where temptation is just a click away, is a particular hotbed of activity: recent data indicate that 70 per cent of the traffic to sexually explicit sites occurs between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. In fact, 20 per cent of men and 12 per cent of women online in the workplace use the Net for sexual pursuit.

Basically, cybersex is like phone sex: flirtation leading to arousal leading to masturbation. But with way more bells and whistles: there are chat rooms for every type of sexual proclivity, including "married but sinful," and cheap, digital see-you, see-me technology to satisfy the most ardent voyeur. You can do just about everything on the holodeck of online lust that you can do in person - send virtual flowers or a cyber-kiss, commit to each other in an electronic wedding, honeymoon in a cyber-dungeon in front of an e-family. In the works are full-immersion sex suits transmitting sensory information back and forth between or among partners. With new scent-emission technology, the online sexual experience will be heightened even further.

The new technologies have made it easier to find a date, begin an affair and engage in great sex. But what Hollywood has presented as a cute lure for attracting a mate - even Ally McBeal succumbed last year - also has a seamier side. Those who study and treat the survivors of adultery say the Internet is a breeding ground for cyber-infidelity. Online cheating is mentioned in a growing number of divorce cases, and therapists say the nature and scope of marital collapse are caused by virtual infidelity is greatly underestimated.

The powerful draw of online sexual relationships can easily scuttle a relationship drifting toward the shoals, but it also threatens stable marriages and people with no history of dysfunction. Women appear to be at the greatest risk because they've found a private, anonymous and safe place to look for company in the new millennium. They're trying all kinds of sexual behaviour that they would never engage in off-line. And those who find themselves online for more than 11 hours a week (the putative threshold for addiction) may face even greater risks than men do. Data suggest they are more likely to progress toward consummating the cyber-affair with an old-fashioned, off-line rendezvous.

Online romances can also lead to cybersex addiction. At first, only one or two people in a hundred were thought to be at risk, says Dr. Kimberly Young, founder of the Center for Online Addiction (www.netaddiction.com) in Bradford, Pa. But, she says, the most recent studies indicate a much higher figure: eight to 10 per cent, or maybe even more. "Whether or not this is a big phenomenon, whether or not there are hundreds of thousands of people involved and it's ruining lives - there's no question about that," says Dr. Alvin Cooper of Stanford University, Ca., who led the research team on the Net study. "We suspect that those numbers will only increase over time."

Dr. Jennifer Schneider, a physician and researcher based in Tucson, Ariz., recently conducted a survey among the partners of cybersex addicts. "I asked about what's the big deal with online sex - each person is sitting masturbating, talking online. Almost all the respondents to my survey said that's as much cheating as if they are having physical sex.
 

To women, at least, it's not the physical sex that matters, it's this relationship thing. It's the intimacy, spending time with somebody else. It isn't about sex, it's about the betrayal of intimacy."

The specialists say anyone contemplating a cyber-affair should remember that it can be much harder to survive than a conventional affair because it reaches into the home, perhaps even into the bedroom itself-while the partner lies sleeping.

SOME OF THE INNER WORKINGS OF A CYBERPATH

(taken from the work of Lundy Bancroft) 
The cyberpath is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision making,

he may make rules for the victim about her movements and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to contact or to see certain friends, online or offhe is manipulative

he misleads people inside and outside of the family/ close friends about his abusiveness

he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault

he changes times & dates to cover himself

he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so

his public image usually contrasts sharply with the online reality

he is entitled; he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other family members

he believes that his needs should be at the center of the target's agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy


he typically believes that it is his sole prerogative to determine when and how sexual relations will take place, and denies his partner the right to refuse (or to initiate) sex; he may even moralize to her when it is him that is the sex addict

he usually believes that work should be done for him, and that any contributions he makes to those efforts should earn him special appreciation and deference

he is highly and often subtly demanding 
he is disrespectful; he considers his targets less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object

he communicates his sense of superiority in various ways


after a break-up or negative event with the target, the cyberpath sometimes becomes quickly involved with a new partner whom he treats relatively well; sometimes he carries on multiple affairs slowly & painfully dropping one for the other

cyberpaths are not out of control, and therefore can be on "good" behavior for extended periods of time - even a few years - if they consider it in their best interest to do so

the new target may insist, based on her experience with him, that the man is wonderful to her, and that any problems reported from the previous relationship must have been fabricated, or must result from bad relationship dynamics for which the two cyberpath and a former target are mutually responsible. The cyberpath can thus use his new partner to create the impression that he is not a risk.




When caught:
Cyberpaths increasingly use a tactic I call "preemptive strike," where he accuses the target of doing all the things that he has done.

he will call his target a "predator too!"

he will say that she was 'harassing' him and his friends/family, that she was extremely "controlling" (adopting the language of domestic violence experts), and that she was 'unfaithful' and/or 'also at fault'.

he will call her: a scorned woman, crazy, a stalker, obsessed with him, jealous, etc ....

BELIEVE NONE OF IT!!

(remember that females can just as abusive & controlling as men)

COERCIVE TACTICS OF CYBERPATHS

We have edited this to pertain to Cyberpaths. But the behavioral aspects are the SAME as for abusers and battered (physical, emotional, verbal or psychological) victims.

The male gender has been used but, your Cyberpath may be female - EOPC
from: "Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain you Dry" has some helpful information on how to recognize when a cyberpath is hypnotizing you. You look for the signs in your own reactions:

"Make sure you recognize the warning signs of hypnosis: instant rapport, deviating from standard procedure, thinking in superlatives, discounting objective information, and confusion." Emotional Vampires, pg. 48

These are all signs you look for in yourself.

Excerpts summarized, see the book for more details:

Instant rapport -- That wonderful feeling that you are instantly "clicking" with someone you've just met is a clear warning sign. You have likely stumbled into someone who has either done their research before "accidentally" meeting you or before a job interview, or they are quick to assess what it is you think about yourself and are careful to reflect back to you what you want to hear.

Deviating from standard procedure -- Suddenly you find yourself making exceptions and doing things very differently than you normally do for someone! (outside your normal comfort/ ethics/ moral zone)

Thinking in superlatives -- You've just met the most wonderful, most incredible, most charming and thoughtful person ever. Big red sign that someone is messing around inside your head. The author says, "distorted perceptions usually involve superlatives". He also points out that the superlatives can be negative too.

Discounting objective information -- You've been swept off your feet in no time flat. You're loving how you feel around this person -- so much so that you are now avoiding objective sources of information about this person and your own common sense!

Or, if you do hear things you don't want to hear, you tell yourself it is somehow different for you. He was different back then. When you find yourself avoiding getting objective information about this person you have a clear sign in yourself that you're very happy in this little fantasy that's been created for you and don't want the bubble popped. You're in trouble if you keep this up.

Remember, this doesn't just apply to romantic partners. It can happen with a fellow church or club member, a co-worker, boss, employee, etc.

Confusion -- "Hazy understanding of the reasons for your own reactions, coupled with unusual certainty, is a pretty clear sign that somebody has been messing with your mind." pg. 29

~ Bidermans Chart of Coercion ~
(Edited to Apply to Cyberpathy)

Abusers use tactics similar to what prison guards use on their prisoners, it is a type of brainwashing. They recognize that control is not easily accomplished, they need the cooperation of the victim. This can most effectively be gained through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical prisoner. These tactics form what we know as emotional abuse and online cyberpathy.

The original Bidermans Chart of Coercion identifies these methods and tactics of power and control used by abusers and their anticipated result. This Chart was originally a publication called "Report of Torture" from Amnesty International, which depicted the brainwashing of prisoners during war. Diana Russel later reprinted it in her book "Rape in Marriage."

The tactics used are:

ISOLATION - this deprives the victim of all social support that is necessary for the ability to resist. It makes the victim develop an intense concern with self. It also makes the victim dependent upon the interrogator, just like our predators, wanting all the control. They demean our family, friends, jobs and schooling, to the point that we generally give them all up. We begin to believe what our cyberpath is telling us and fear what may happen, if we don't go along with them. Once they take away our outside support system, so we have no one telling us anything different, than what the cyberpath is saying. (i.e. "don't talk to so-and-so, she's obsessed with me" or "don't chat with him if he emails or IMs you - he's a liar")

MONOPOLIZATION OF PERCEPTION - this fixes attention upon the immediate predicament and fosters introspect. It eliminates any stimuli competing with those controlled by the cyberpath, and it frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance. This makes us worry about each moment, we have little or no outside contact or focus, just what is happening with our abusive situation and if we don't abide by what they say or want, we know how bad it can and will get. (i.e. "don't tell!! this is our little secret" and "I am a great/ honest/ sincere guy - and here's the proof" [selective information])

INDUCED DEBILITY AND EXHAUSTION - this weakens both our mental and physical ability to resist. How many of our abusers picked 3am to cause an uproar? Odd or emotional times, when we were not strong enough to resist. Or the ones who want you to waiting around online for them, only come on at late hours once they have you hooked, not let you sleep, then go at it with you all night long.

They know when we are tired, we are more vulnerable and more apt to give in to their demands, without a fight. Exhaustion makes it even more difficult to counter the accusations and we agree to things we never would under normal conditions. (With a cyberpath this also includes "word salad" and purposeful confusion)

THREATS - this cultivates anxiety and despair. Threats can be as bad or worst than actions, the fear this can instill can do an incredible amount of emotional damage and alot to keep us in line. This is an emotional blackmail. (i.e. "if you keep questioning my sincerity I will stop chatting with you" or leaving you for hours, days, weeks or even months without a word; just disappearing -- blocking you until THEY are ready to chat. Saying they will "get" you or naming family members is a threat and should be reported to police immediately)

OCCASIONAL INDULGENCES - this provides positive motivation for compliance. Often after the abuse, during the "honeymoon stage" they may send flowers, call you all the time, "love bomb" you (compliments, cyber or phone sex, you are their soulmate, you are the ONE they've always dreamed of...), be kind and promise unconditional love, ect. Some nice little things, which to the victim will usually mean alot, when we are so wide open with pain. It will always happen when we are most vulnerable. But to the cyberpath it only means more control!

DEMONSTRATING "OMNIPOTENCE" - this suggests futility of resistance. Making you believe they are completely capable and have the ability to carry out any threats and warnings they have given you, if you don't comply. They have all the power and you better do as they say, regardless of what you may feel about these things. (i.e. "I will tell your partner, husband, parents what we have been doing" or "I will make your life hell" or "if you... then I will...")

ENFORCING TRIVIAL DEMANDS - this develops a habit of compliance. All those little things they can get you to accept doing, those lists of chores, asking you where you go, how you dress, how you speak or not to speak -- what they 'expect' in a woman. Begging you for cybersex, photos, etc because they "need" them is also part of this. This a part of their way of getting you to do the big things, the bad things and also keeping quiet about them. They have been programming you to obey, whatever they say.

DEGRADATION - this makes the cost of resistance appear to be more damaging to self-esteem than the capitulation. It reduces the victim to "animal level" concerns. In other word, if you don't go along with what they want, you will suffer the consequences and that will be worst than if you just do whatever they want. (i.e. "I won't "love" you if you don't obey me"; also part of their: DEVALUE & DISCARD)

All of these methods have been used on us, day after day. The road to freedom and healing begins with overcoming everything our cyberpaths have worked so hard to put into place in our minds. This sometimes requires and understanding therapist. It is not an easy task. The first step is to acknowledge them for what an are - tactics to have power and control over us. Most everything that has been said to us by our cyberpaths are lies and empty promises. We must totally begin to think for ourselves and wipe out all the negative things that we have been programmed to believe and feel.

Every one of us must know, none of it was our fault, we didn’t ask for it and we definitely did not and do not deserve it. There is nothing any of us could have done differently, or better that would of changed how an cyberpaths has acted, or made the trauma not happen.

That is the sole choice and problem of the predator. They usually will never admit that though. No one deserves to be abused in any way, shape or form - even online. It is our right to be happy and free from abuse. Cyberpaths are criminals, just as a rapist, an armed robber or a murder.

They should be treated as such and not be made excuses for or their abuse and preying on us covered up.

If we want Online Predators & Cyberpaths to stop, we must all use our own voices, to say abuse is wrong and I have had enough! The road to Freedom is Knowledge and Knowledge IS Power.

Which of our Exposed Predators used these methods? ALL OF THEM!

INTERNET LURING

(While the original article deals with warning for children - we have amended it to read for adults, as well. A link to the original article is below - EOPC)

For generations it has been ingrained in us, time-honoured rule: "Don't talk to strangers."

But that rule has a new meaning now that people can talk to strangers all over the world via the internet.

Talking in chat groups and through e-mail isn't anything like talking over the telephone or meeting someone in person. There is no eye contact and there is no chance to pick up meaning from the cadence and rhythm of the human voice. People on the internet can log on using fake names, they can create whole new identities that are tough to challenge.

The scary thing is that many people who talk and chat on the Internet think it's perfectly safe.

But it's not.

An underage Canadian girl, who can't be named, received this e-mail from her "cyberpal."

I thought about you and what I would do if we were together and this happened when we had our baby... You are my inspiration and my soul! I can hardly wait til you're with me.
Love, your man Jason

Jason turned out to be 28-year-old Jason Wright from Washington state. He arrived at the girl's home in Victoria, B.C., and drove away with her.

Police caught up with them and charged Wright with abduction and sexual assault. Police say Wright had spent a night in a hotel with the girl.

They also found a notebook containing the names and e-mail addresses of other young girls in Canada and the U.S.

Wright was found not guilty of both charges.

In 2001, Ottawa proposed a new law that would mean a maximum five-year prison sentence for people caught using the internet to lure children. The law came into effect in July 2002 as part of an omnibus amendment to the Criminal Code.

But Bruce Headridge, a former detective with the Organized Crime Agency of B.C., says there's still a long way to go as the legal system tries to keep up with the quickly-evolving technology. (Needs to provide recourse and safety for lured adults as well!!)

Online safety rules

* Don't respond to flaming (provocation)

* Choose a genderless screen name

* Don't flirt online, unless you're prepared for the consequences. This is just like real life. Yes, you have the right to flirt. And you have the right to a sexy nickname. Sometimes it's better just to back off a bit and not exercise all your rights all the time.

* Save offending messages and report them to your service provider (and theirs)

* Don't give out any personal information about yourself or anyone else.

* Get out of a situation online that has become hostile, log off or surf elsewhere.

CyberBreach.com, set up by Headridge also suggests similar guidelines for online chats and e-mails.

(edited from the original)

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

Online Dating -- Dangerous for Your Life

by Jamie Ramirez

Sitting behind a computer, I could be anyone I wish to be. I could be a 13-year-old boy from Kansas who likes to play videogames. Or I could be a 47-year-old woman from another country looking to get married to a single American man. The point is: I could take on any identity and no one would ever have to know.

Online dating is potentially very dangerous. There's no assurance that the person you are talking to is really telling the truth. There's no way of knowing if they have a criminal background, was once or are married or has children.

Blind dates are different. Usually, a friend or an acquaintance has recommended a person who they think would be compatible for you. If someone is referring you on a date with a suitable single, he or she are using his or her judgment and knowledge of what appeals to you.

Online dating services simply use a questionnaire to match up singles through common answers and common interests. A computer does not have the ability to make a judgment call or to decide compatibility for two people. It simply matches answers.

People can also lie about who they are. Behind a computer, anyone could take on any identity they choose. Online dating is dangerous because everyone has access to a computer. That includes rapists and child molesters.

According to a study conducted by the American Psychological Association in August 2004, less than 5 percent of online sexual offenders used force to sexually abuse their victims when they decided to meet.

Victims said they already felt close bonds with their attacker before meeting with them.

People just need an Internet connection. But why put your life at risk for the chance to go on a date? Some would argue that love is worth taking a risk. Call me old fashioned, but I don't think love is worth putting your life on the line.

original article here

Online Dating Sites Sued for Fraud

Are Yahoo and Match.com bolstering their online dating services with fake ads and professional flirts?

Two lawsuits filed in California recently make such bold claims, separately accusing both firms of fraud.

Match.com says the claims are baseless; Yahoo didn't immediately respond to requests for comment.

In the Match.com case, Orange County, Calif. resident Matthew Evans accuses the site of having a "very dirty, very big secret."

"Not everyone that you meet on Match.com is just another Match.com member, " the lawsuit says. "They are Match.com employees with a secret, fraudulent mission."

Evans claims Match uses "date bait" - employees who pretend to be regular subscribers that flirt with members. The lawsuit claims online daters are often approached by date bait just as their subscriptions are about to expire. Victims receive "winks" and e-mails designed to trick them into renewing their membership, the suit alleges.

Evans also claims in the lawsuit that Match.com employees are required to go on "as many as 100 dates per month," and they are "stationed in most of the major U.S. cities."

Match.com spokeswoman Kristin Kelly called the lawsuit "completely without merit." The firm doesn't send automated winks, she said, and employees are not required to date members. Match.com has about 250 employees worldwide, and 15 million members, making the date bait claim "ridiculous."

"The allegations in this case have absolutely no basis in fact and are completely without merit," she said.

The complaint was filed Nov. 10 in U.S. District Court in Northern California.

In the Yahoo case, filed on Oct. 14, Robert Anthony of Broward County, Fla., accuses the firm of creating fake profiles to keep members interested. Yahoo, the lawsuit alleges, "deliberately and intentionally originates and perpetuates false and or nonexistent profiles on its site to generate interest ... and give the site a much more attractive and functional appearance in order to falsely represent more substantial participation than actually exists."

The lawsuit supplies few other details, however.

"Due to the complicated nature of the fraud, and the use of technology to pertpetrate the fraud, Anthony is unable to disclose all of the examples of fraud," it says.

Anthony's lawyer, Peter McNulty, didn't respond to phone calls requesting comment.

Both lawsuits seek class-action status.

'Black hole'
Mike Arias, Evans' lawyer in the Match.com case, said his client learned about the alleged practices directly from a Match.com employee he dated. Arias said he has no other plaintiffs in the case at the moment, but that he's spoken to other victims and lawyers investigating Match.com practices.

"We've investigated it enough we (to believe the allegations)," he said. "I've talked to enough people who have given me scenarios."

The lawsuit also claims that paid Match.com workers read member e-mails in order to be more seductive to members they contact.

"Match.com typically has their paid employee contact a subscriber immediately before the end of their subscription," it says. "(The employee) goes on a date with a subscriber, (and) gives the deceptive appearance of having a lot in common with the subscriber due in part to having read his or her e-mails."

Match.com's Kelly said employees are allowed to use the service, but are not told to date members.

Evans' lawsuit also claims that a flaw in Match.com technology prevents profiles older than 30 days from appearing in some searches the Web site offers. "Unless a person updates their profile, they fall into a 'black hole' of outdated profiles, never to be seen by any other person on Match again," the suit says.

Online dating is big business; for a time, it was the fastest-growing e-commerce sector. But the industry has always beaten back complaints about fraud and misrepresentation among members. Two years ago, an MSNBC.com investigation revealed a high percentage of ads on several sites were thinly veiled lures to paid porn Web sites. More recently, Nigerian scammers have seized on the services, frequently placing fake ads that lure victims into feigned relationships ultimately designed to trick them into sending large sums of money to criminals outside the U.S.

There have been accusations that dating services benefit from such practices, because if more attractive, young members appear to be using the service, that draws in more paid members.

"That is ridiculous," Kelly said. "We aggressively defend against fraud and proactively pursue it through our fraud and abuse team."

(from 2005)

Secret bait claims hit dating website

A TOP internet dating website has been accused of secretly hiring people as "date bait" to go out with some of their one million customers so they would keep paying for the service.

The lonely hearts website Match.com secretly recruited people to send enticing emails to its customers and to go out on dates with them as a way of getting them to keep up their $41 monthly subscription, a Los Angeles racketeering lawsuit said.

The company's ring-ins, branded "date bait", went on up to 100 dates a month -- three per day -- with Match.com customers, who use the site to search for boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses.

"Hiding behind Match.com's portrait of online success is a very big, very dirty secret . . . Not everyone you meet and date through Match.com is just another Match.com member," says the lawsuit.

Kristin Kelly, a spokesperson for Match.com, which has an estimated one million paid subscribers and 15 million members, said the lawsuit was completely without merit and would be vigorously challenged.

The lawsuit was filed by Matthew Evans, a Match.com customer who hopes it will draw support from enough other customers to turn into a much stronger class action suit.

Mr Evans' lawyers said he went on several dates with an attractive woman named Autumn Marzec before she allegedly confessed she was paid by the company to meet him.

Such people are given access to customers' emails to familiarise themselves with the customer, allowing them to feign interest and compatibility, the suit claims.

The worker goes on a date with the subscriber and acts as if they have a lot in common so the subscriber re-signs.

The suit also charges that when a customer's subscription was expiring, Match.com produced fake responses to customers, suggesting another person had an interest in meeting them in order to prod them to resubscribe.

The suit represents growing reports of disappointment among the tens of millions of customers of the online matchmaking industry.

The industry enjoyed an estimated $334 million in turnover during the first half of 2005. - AFP
*****

Leading online matchmaker sued for bogus dating scam

Match.com, one of the top Internet dating websites, has been accused of hiring people as "date bait" to date some of their one million customers to encourage them to keep paying for the service.

A Los Angeles racketeering lawsuit said the lonely hearts website secretly recruited people to send enticing emails to its customers and to go out on dates with them as a way of getting them to keep up their 30 dollars monthly subscription.

The company's ringers, branded "date bait", went on as many as 100 dates a month - three per day - with Match.com customers, who use the site to search for boyfriends, girlfriends, and possible husbands and wives. "Hiding behind Match.com's portrait of online success is a very big, very dirty secret ... Not everyone you meet and date through Match.com is just another Match.com member," said the lawsuit, filed in a Los Angeles court on November 10.

Kristin Kelly, a spokesperson for Match.com - which has an estimated one million paid subscribers and 15 million members — denied the charges, saying the lawsuit is "completely without merit" and would be "vigorously" challenged. The lawsuit was filed by Matthew Evans, a Match.com customer who hopes it will draw support from enough other customers to turn into a much stronger class action suit.

Evan's lawyers said he went on several dates with an attractive woman named Autumn Marzec before she allegedly confessed that she was paid by the company to meet him. Such ringers are given access to customers' emails to familiarize themselves with the customer, allowing them to feign interest and compatibility, the suit claimed. "The paid Match.com employee then goes on a date with the subscriber, gives the deceptive appearance of having a lot in common with the subscriber ... with the intent of luring the subscriber into re-signing with Match.com," the suit alleges.

The suit charges as well that when a customer's subscription was expiring, Match.com produced fake responses to customers, suggesting another person had an interest in meeting them, in order to prod them to resubscribe. The Los Angeles suit represented growing reports of disappointment among the tens of millions of customers of the online matchmaking industry, which is led by Yahoo! Personals, Match.com, and EHarmony.

The industry enjoyed an estimated 245 million dollars in turnover during the first half of 2005. While the industry advertises its success stories - customers who meet online and eventually get married - some disappointments have raised questions of industry practices. Earlier this year Californian James Hunt complained that for the nearly 3,000 dollars he paid to matchmaker Together Inc., he didn't receive the guaranteed nine introductions of "nearly compatible" women. The company disputed his claim.

In New York, the Great Expectations dating service was recently ordered by a judge to refund money to two women who said they never got any dates after paying up to $1,000 for a six month subscription. "I just wanted to go out for coffee and have nice conversations with a couple of people. Instead, I got not a single introduction," said a disappointed 43 year old who identified herself only as Jennifer. "I think I’ll stick to meeting people at bus stops and the elevator," she said.
*****

Better to have loved and lost, even on the internet

A quick look at any online dating site will tell you that everyone is lying

The online dating world has been rocked by claims in Los Angeles that dating companies have been paying women to go on sham dates with male subscribers to make the men think the site is generating results and thus renew their membership fees.

A man in his thirties who signed up to www.match.com, a web dating service that claims 12 per cent of American weddings began with an online introduction has launched a lawsuit accusing the company offraud. He claims to be the victim of a scam he discovered after a "buxom, dark-haired, younger woman" that he had taken on several dates confessed to having been paid to make contact with up to 100 members a month.

More complaints and revealing comments on Online Dating, click on the site name(s)

:

Mate 1

EHarmony and Cupid.com

Adult Friend Finder

True

Yahoo Personals

These are just a few! BEWARE!!!

The Four Psychological Stages Of Those Abused by Cyberpaths

Stage One ~ DENIAL
The victim refuses to admit even to herself, that she has been 'had' or that there is a problem in her online relationship/friendship. She may call each incident an accident. She offers excuses & rationalizations and each time she is played or insulted firmly believes it will never happen again.

Stage Two ~ GUILT
Victim now acknowledges there is a problem, but considers herself responsible for it. She deserves to be used and lied to, she feels because she has defects in her character and is not living up to her predators's expectations.

Stage Three ~ ENLIGHTENMENT
The woman no longer assumes responsibility for her cyberpaths's abusive treatment, recognizing that no one deserves to be treated badly, used, played or lied to. She is still committed to her online relationship though and stays with her cyberpath hoping they can work things out. During this period she often questions the predator and hopes for "straight answers" because things are starting to not jive or make sense.

Stage Four ~ RESPONSIBILITY
Accepting the fact that her cyberpath will not, or can not, stop his predatory & manipulative behavior, the victim decides she will no longer submit to it and starts a new life.

Often involves "telling" and no more secret keeping - by which she can achieve validation that she is not alone or stupid.

original article here