ONLINE: THE NEW INFIDELITY

ONLINE: THE NEW INFIDELITY

In recent years, infidelity has begun root in new ways, due to the advent and growth of the Internet and the entry of women into professions once dominated by men. Many experts are noticing that both in the workplace and on the Internet, "a new crisis of infidelity" is unfolding. The new type of infidelity involves people who do not seek out extramarital affairs, but are unintentionally moving beyond platonic friendships to romantic involvements.

Maheu and Subotnik (2001) explain that the Internet provides an escape in the form of cybersex and so-called "virtual infidelity" to millions of people who do not know how to improve their difficult or unsatisfying relationships or whose religious beliefs do not permit divorce.

"They may find themselves financially, geographically or emotionally stuck. Whatever their reasons, they seem to be hungering for easy access to companionship and sex"

The Internet has made it fast and easy to find and connect with others, and it's the ideal medium for secretive relationships. For those who seek it, infidelity is just a few clicks away.

"Cyber-infidelity occurs when a partner in a committed relationship uses the computer or the Internet to violate promises, vows or agreements concerning his or her sexual exclusivity" (Maheu and Subotnik, 2001, p. 10).

"Beware of the lure of the Internet" where "affairs develop quickly" and inhibitions are instantly lowered and infidelity seems "innocent."

Glass highlights the following three key characteristics of a relationship that crosses the line from harmless platonic friendship to deeper emotional attachment and infidelty:

"1) greater emotional intimacy than in the marital relationship,
2) secrecy and deception from the spouse, and
3) sexual chemistry."

Extramarital involvements based on a deep emotional bond can be as painful for the betrayed spouse as a sexual infidelity. However, experts generally agree that affairs that include both extramarital infidelity and a meaningful emotional bond are the most disruptive.

original article found here

DO THEY EVER ADMIT THEY ARE LYING OR TWISTED THE FACTS?

"The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor
is the mind of the oppressed."
- Stephen Biko



DO THEY EVER ADMIT THEY ARE LYING OR TWISTED THE FACTS?

from this group

(EOPC believes Cyberpathy is an expression of Narcissism and other Cluster B disorders)

We work to try to understand the essence of the [cyberpath]. When I was trying to explain the N to a friend, she understood an N as someone not "able to face the pain of imagining they did something wrong". I wasn't sure about this so did a quick internet search on narcissists and admitting wrong and accepting fault, and got these quotes:

- The [cyberpath] often notices that something is wrong with him and with his life -- but he never admits it.

- ... the [cyberpath] is incapable of admitting that something is wrong with HIM

- They will never admit fault, they will never say they are sorry. If something goes wrong, they will play the victim. They will blame others.

- Remember they will never admit they are wrong, they will never debase themselves with an apology. They will never laugh at themselves.

"[I suspect my husband is a narcissist]. Last night we got into an argument over our daughters homework and he was absolutely livid because he was wrong and he knew he was wrong but could not admit it. He try's to place blame on anyone and everyone but himself."

- Narcissistic Cyberpaths adore themselves. They live for themselves, they think they can do no wrong and will not admit to wrongdoing [re: traits common to 6 year olds and adult narcissists] They are not suffering from 'low self-esteem'

- [For the cyberpath] to admit to one failing, to acknowledge a mistake, even a simple human error of judgement, would be to open the door to the deep internal lack within. The illusion of perfection, maintained by projecting faults onto someone else, is a barrier to be constantly tended, mended and shored up. To admit any feelings of deficiency would be the equivalent of poking a hole in the dyke, an event to be feared as a total disaster.

[Cyberpaths] blame all problems on the "all-bad." It's never the cyberpath's fault; it's always someone else's.

The last paragraph speaks truly from a cyberpath's perspective. It's the victim's fault.

If the two of you have a conflict, he'll tweak the facts as much as he has to to make it all your fault.

His perverse way of turning everything into my fault and his blaming left me battered and exhausted.

Cyberpaths who were children of entitlement:
Externalization of Blame -- The child cannot allow the bad feelings of being at fault for anything. He/she/they/YOU are the problem! He avoids feeling vulnerable by blaming others. The fragile self esteem cannot be punctured by taking responsibility for behavior. His script is "Do not expose me to those intolerable feelings inside. I can't handle it."

Since the false self is grandiose and perfect, relationship problems are never the fault of the narcissist.

For making a change (whether great or small) implies that the narcissist has been two things they "cannot stand": imperfect (something is actually wrong with "them") and at fault ("they" actually were wrong, weak, or inferior somehow).

It can't be HIS fault - he is perfect.

The cyberpath says in effect, "Something doesn't feel right. I'm too special to be the cause, therefore it must be your fault."

TELLTALE SIGNS OF AN ONLINE AFFAIR

(EOPC commends this author for stating WHY some people get involved in online affairs. So all you CYBERPATHS who come to this blog via proxies, etc [yes we see you!!! and we have ways to uncloak your proxies] who say that your victims either 'knew what they were doing' or 'went in with their eyes open' or 'knew it was all a game' - we all know you're full of it! Excuses for your predatory behavior hold no sway here.

Until a cyberpath admits, owns and makes restitution for their predatory and/or harassing behaviors towards their victims, we will continue to hold them fully accountable! - EOPC)


by David Kramer

So you think your spouse or partner is having an online affair? The first question item to rule out is whether the source of these concerns is due to jealousy or some external factor you are just unable to reconcile. Keep in mind, an unhealthy and controlling jealousy or emotionally abusive relationship is often enough to drive a person toward looking for an escape. Regardless of the root, the following will explain how you can know for sure if an affair is in progress.

Your relationship is important and there is the expectation of trust and fidelity. Just as one needs to be trustworthy, you will need to be trusting. At the same time, you have the right to know if your spouse is being untrustworthy. This is a delicate balance no one can determine for you, you must weigh how far you are willing to go to require your spouse to prove he or she is trustworthy and at what point you are going to give that trust freely.

For some, this means trusting until the other proves to be untrustworthy. Others refuse to trust until all doubts are removed. Wherever you stand between these extremes, know that the following advice could push you in an irreversible direction. Sometimes it may not be worth it to know things, for example your spouse or partner may not be cheating but you may find a different flaw you had rather not known about. Someone once said, "A great deal of what we see, depends on what we are looking for" so there is also the caution against making conclusions that result in every shred of evidence you find points in the direction you want it to though in reality is bias.

If you are willing to proceed, then simply start by asking your spouse or partner straight out. Assuming you know them, you should be able to judge by the reaction if there is reason for concern. If you do not know your spouse or the person has a great poker face, you have at least put that person on alert. The interesting thing about someone being on to you is that panic sets in and when people panic mistakes are made. Listen to your spouse over the next several weeks at this point. My father always taught me, "If you are going to lie, you better have a perfect memory." By listening, you give the cheating spouse or partner time to stumble and in doing so you obtain clues to help you dig deeper. (all our cyberpaths tripped up here. Just check how Dunetz/ Yidwithlid messed up for one example)

One problem to overcome is determining all the sources your spouse or partner has to gain online access. This could be work, a public library, an Internet cafe, and now even mobile devices. Detection was a lot easier when affairs happened on the home computer.

If you suspect your home computer is the issue there are a couple solutions. There are many keyboard sniffer (example: PC Pandora) programs available. Just open your favorite browser and search on keyboard sniffer. Versions are available for all types of computers and operating systems, Mac or PC, and many you can buy online, download and install immediately. These programs hide themselves on your computer and record every key pressed to a hidden file or remote computer. In the end, you have a complete log of what the person did and the evidence will speak for itself.

Using a keyboard sniffer can be effective, but just as there are tools to spy or pry in this manner, there are also equivalent tools to detect if this is happening. Most cheaters think they wont get caught and are likely to become sloppy at some point and lazy, especially if the affair has been going on for a while and no one has been caught yet.

The alt-tab flip maneuver is a clue. Sneak up on your spouse or partner one day to the point where you can see the monitor. Whether you saw what was on the screen or not, someone doing what they are not supposed to do will quickly try to cover up their sin. One way is to have multiple windows open that can be tabbed through quickly to cover up the window with the evidence. Quick, jerky, or jumpy motions to alter the screen contents are a give away that something is happening that the person does not want others to know about.

Smoke and mirrors. If the person is cheating on you, likely smoke and mirrors are being used to cover it up. Fight fire with fire. Install a real mirror or reflective surface that allows you to view what is on that monitor from other points in the room. It could be the glass window at nighttime, a shiny lamp fixture, or an actual mirror. Re-arrange the entire room to hide your intentions, but if you can position the monitor in a way where you can see what is on it without the spouse realizing it, they are less likely to use the alt-tab maneuver and you may end up seeing first hand what is going on.

Check for breadcrumbs. Look at the browser history to see where your spouse or partner has been going. Also look at the cookies that are stored on the machine. Cookies are small files that some websites use to enhance your browsing experience on their site. For example, when you click a check box that says, "Remember me", the website will create a cookie on your computer so the next time you visit, the website knows it is you. Determine what browser or browser your spouse is using (Internet Explorer, Safari, Firefox, and so on) and search for "how to view cookies" followed by your browser name.

The absence of cookies or history tells a story too. If your spouse is spending a lot of time on the web but there is no history or cookies, one must ask why. Unless the spouse is a privacy freak, most people do not regularly delete their cookies or history.

Disrupt their world. If the person is having an online affair, then that Internet connection is the lifeline to their ability to communicate. How does your spouse respond when that connection is lost? Not sure, then make it go away. There are a lot of ways you can do this. Unplug the DSL or Cable modem, if you are using a router block the ports that are typically used for mail or by chat rooms, forget to pay the bill and have service completely stop.

If there is an affair this will cause a reaction. It may even push the person to use alternate methods of keeping in contact with the third wheel, and given it is a panic situation your spouse is more likely to slip up in doing so. The problem remains with devices outside the home.

Most employers frown on using corporate assets for recreational use, or affairs. It costs them money when their machines are hauled into court for interrogation, not to mention it is embarrassing. Fortunately, most large companies have installed software to prevent browsing and chatting with services typically used by the cyberlove world. A little social engineering, you can contact your Spouse's or partner's Company and act like a student conducting an interview for a research paper and ask them if they use such software and how they prevent employees from using work resources for things like cheating.

If there are no controls, ultimately it should surface in the form of performance so, it is just a matter of time. Meanwhile, you can isolate other online sources like phones, cyber cafes, and even library use by careful accounting. This takes time and more investigative work, but remember there is always a paper trail.

If you are using the Internet you should also be using a router. If you are not, you have all the reasons in the world to get one, security, ability to share the connection with more than one computer, and the ability to log ingoing and outgoing traffic (or to stop types of traffic to create a panic situation). Monitor the traffic.

Watch the phone bills, the data transfer and text messaging, and the credit cards. If the spouse has started using other devices or services, they'll show up in the billing. If you do not typically see these things, offer to be a better spouse or wanting to learn how to managing the household accounting and finances better to gain access. You will either obtain the ability to track through the flow of money, or be denied access to the information. If you are denied access, the question is why? As a spouse you need access to the finances in order to protect yourself in the event something happens to your spouse physically.

Financial software, like Quicken or Microsoft Money is great tools to help you account for every penny coming in and going out. If you cannot account for where it is going, then you at least have data to establish patterns. How much cash is being used? How frequently, and on what days is it being withdrawn? There are still always ways to hide money coming in so you might not fully seal up this hole, but at least you have narrowed the window of opportunity and made it more difficult for your spouse to cheat which may create the stress needed to cause the slip up that results in the surfacing of the truth.

Libraries often require some form of identification to use the public computers. On the days you suspect your spouse may be going to the library for a rendezvous, make sure that identification stays home one way or another (typically by removing it from a purse or wallet). It may generate questions as how or why the I.D. ended up misplaced, but the pressure is on.

A cheating spouse will often feel distant from their committed spouse. They will feel guilt and anxiety, and have to work hard at covering things up. You cannot always say that a cheating spouse will show no or less attention; for example a cheating spouse may end up suddenly sending more flowers or gifts. Relationships take effort and people often show their affection with gift giving. So if you suddenly receive flowers, check up on them. How much did they cost? Maybe your flowers are intended to hide a purchase at a florist where two sets of flowers were bought, yet you only have one. Did your last gift really cost what it says it cost in on the credit card statement or check book? More sex?

No one wants to be cheated on, and most people if you ask will say they do not want to be a cheater. Cheating happens for one reason, hardness of heart. Normal people do not go into a relationship with plans to cheat. They are in love and intend to remain faithfully committed to their spouse.

The question to ask is what causes that devoted spouse to harden those feelings and emotions and ultimately give way to cheating either by seeking out someone or because someone sought him/her and met a missing need.

The best thing is to work together to guard against hardened hearts and emotional or mental abuse so the signs never have chance to be erected.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

RELATED ARTICLES:

SECOND LIFE ONLINE AFFAIRS

ONLINE AFFAIR LEADS TO MURDER

THOUGHTS FROM THE VICTIMS OF CYBERPATHS

MARRIED MEANS M-A-R-R-I-E-D

OH THE THINGS CYBERPATHS SAY!

Online Affairs

by Peggy Vaughan

This new arena for affairs, although not initially involving physical contact, is highly-charged sexually. It involves the same kinds of thinking and emotions as other affairs—including the secrecy, fantasy and excitement, as well as the denial and rationalization—and it has the same potential for being devastating to the primary relationship.

Here's a typical scenario:

1. You spend more and more time Online.
Online interactions provide an "escape" from the realities of day-to-day living.
The fantasy world online can make the real world seem dull and boring.
The sheer numbers of people create unlimited potential for "newness."

2. You meet someone interesting Online.
You present the "best side" of your personality, and so do they.
You share confidences: hopes, fears, fantasies.
The intense sharing brings you closer and closer together.
You fantasize about being more than online friends.
You become infatuated with your "friend" and want more and more interaction.
You feel like you're "in love."

3. Your primary partner suspects/knows about your online friend.
You deny or rationalize about your online activity.
Your partner becomes more and more suspicious and threatened.
You ignore or deny the impact this is having on your partner.
Your partner learns more and is devastated by the situation.
You tell yourself that since there's no actual sex involved, it shouldn't matter.
You grow closer to your online friend and more distant from your partner.

4. You want to meet your online friend in person.
You feel like "soul-mates" or that you were "meant for each other."
You consider "risking it all" to see your online friend.
You either meet and engage in sex or you don't and feel like "star-crossed lovers."

5. Your life has been changed in ways you never intended.
Your online relationship ends-and your "real" one may end as well.

Reflections on this scenario:

The above scenario is so common as to allow for some general observations. First, any new connection is going to be exciting, but it may not be the particular person who makes the difference. The excitement has more to do with the "kind" of relationship than to the specific feelings about a "real" person. In any new relationship (whether or not it begins online), people present the best sides of themselves; it's not reflective of the whole person functioning in the real world.

Whatever loss you feel when the "Online Affair" ends is the loss of a "fantasy," not the real thing. All too often we think of "love" only as the initial "heady feelings of love." Falling in love (or "new love") produces some of the most intense feelings you will ever experience, but it doesn't last. While it may be a fantastic experience, much of the intensity of the feeling is inherent in its newness and novelty. Once a "fantasy" love takes on all the real-life responsibilities of a long-term relationship, the feelings either make the transition into the next, deeper stage of love, or they wither. So comparing the feelings in a new relationship with the feelings of a long-term marriage is like comparing apples and oranges.

As for the impact on the primary relationship, it's common to rationalize an online affair as being OK because it's "not really an affair." But it often has the potential for being as devastating to the partner as a sexual affair. (In fact, most people whose partners have a sexual affair find that they recover from the fact that their partner had sex with someone else before they recover from the fact that they were deceived.)

We like to think that deception is only involved when there's outright lying involved. But a more accurate definition of a lack of honesty in a relationship is "withholding relevant information." Anything that is deliberately hidden from a partner (whether it's the fact of being involved in an online affair or the specifics of the online interactions) creates an emotional distance that presents a serious problem that is difficult to overcome.

So while people may disagree about the "definition" of an affair, there's no mistaking the impact of "Online Affairs" on the partner who is feeling hurt and threatened. When these hurt feelings are ignored or dismissed as unreasonable, it shows a "lack of caring" that is far more of a threat to the relationship than the "affairs" themselves.

Online Affairs often lead to the diminishing or destruction of primary relationships—although this was not the original intention. And in hindsight, many people who wind up having affairs recognize that they could have/should have known what they were getting into, but they simply blocked it out. A common lament is, "I didn't intend to have an affair."

When it comes to Online Affairs, it's not just a question of whether it's "wrong," but whether it's "smart." In looking for something "better in life" or a way to "get more out of life," people often wind up with less. We need to find some other avenue for igniting the positive "alive" feelings that are a big part of the enticement of Online Affairs.

The appeal of Online Affairs can serve as a signal that we need to rethink all aspects of our lives and determine what we can do to feel more "alive" that is rooted in reality (instead of fantasy)—and that does not come with such a high price.

original article here

If It's Online, Is It Cheating?

IS IT CHEATING?

In our technologically advanced world, computers and the Internet are becoming a part of life. We use the Internet for information, email and now even dating. With thousands of dating sites out there, it's easier than ever to hook up with someone across the country! The popularity of online dating has skyrocketed and the statistics are astounding.

With that comes the increased ability to cheat with anyone, anywhere. Married people all over the world are starting to use the internet to carry out full-blown affairs. The question is, is it really cheating? If you never see the person or have physical contact, should it be frowned upon? Those doing the act of cheating of course see nothing wrong with it, but those being cheated on have a different opinion.

As some background, online cheating is much more common than one may think with about 30 percent of visitors to online dating sites identifying themselves as married (the actual number of married people on online dating is probably much much higher). There are even online cheating sites specifically for married people which describes themselves as discreet dating sites for married people with no excuses and no explanations. Though many may not think of innocent chatting and cybersex as cheating, it usually leads to more. In an article written by David Koeppel, online cheaters describe it as "exciting and addicting." One person says,"Its power can be trance-inducing." These people use the internet as their outlet to escape from reality.
Again, the big question is, is it really cheating? John LaSage, a California man was left by his wife for an internet boyfriend. He says, "chatting is OK, cheating is not." That’s where he draws the line. However, there are others who may be hurt by chatting alone. If a spouse is online chatting day and night, it takes valuable time away from the spouse. One woman who has been cheated on says, "he swears he loves me but shows more emotion for these online women than me." This illustrates that even with the absence of physical contact, online cheating can still ruin the emotional factors in a marriage. Health, Beauty and Fitness magazine says, "we believe that sharing your emotions with anyone other than your current partner is adultery whether the relationship is physically consummated or not." The emotional aspects are often stronger and more important than the physical. This can lead to a very hurt spouse if he or she finds out about the affair. With this comes the other big reason why people think online affairs are easier, the ability to hide them.

Many see online cheating as the easy way out, but it may not be so easy. It's easier to chat online at work or have cybersex on the computer rather than in a hotel, however, everything can be traced on a computer. It's always lingering in cyberspace somewhere. Many businesses are starting to make a living off of tracing devices for the internet. They sell these packages to people that are suspicious of a loved one or family member and they allow them to view chat conversations and much more. Along the same lines with chatting and cheating online is the viewing of internet pornography. As people experiment with online dating sites, they are bound to come across pop-ups and links to pornography.
Internet pornography is of course another touchy subject with married couples. It leads the other spouse to feel inadequate and unimportant. But again, is that cheating? Nielsen Net ratings have found that 17.5 million people have visited pornography sites in their home each month. That's a very high number, so is there something wrong with it or is it normal? Dr. Phil has his opinion on this matter. For more, go to Dr. Phil's Homepage.

Of course everyone has their own opinion on internet dating, pornography and other related topics and no one will ever know for sure until they are put in the situation. However, anything as time consuming and personal as some of these online relationships seems to be as bad as cheating in real-life with a real person. Not to mention the fact that most online affairs develop into something else. As they say, once a cheater, always a cheater. So don't rule out the possibility that your spouse has an online lover. Many who aren't computer savy see it as the easy way out so it's becoming more and more common. But as for the question, is it cheating? I say it most definitely is. It makes the other partner feel lonely and unappealing just as in a real-life affair. So beware, the internet is becoming more and more dangerous.

WHY AN "ONLINE" RELATIONSHIP?

WHY AN INTERNET RELATIONSHIP?

Private investigators get asked this question frequently. In their experience, it seems that the internet is safer and easier to meet people in than the real world is. On line, you can be the person you want to be. Maybe better looking, richer, happier, etc., etc. and it's safe to be that person. Mike, who was a mechanic in the Navy ten years ago in real life becomes Mike the former "Navy Seal" on-line. Michelle, whose college roommate became a model in the real world "does some modeling" when chatting with her friends in cyberspace.

You can type things on the internet that you would never say in the real world. In short, it gives people a place to fill a lagging self-esteem or to compensate for the short comings of their real life. Or to simply prey on others for fun, sexual pleasure or money.

Once you "meet" someone on-line who sounds exciting, sexy and interesting, you spend time learning about them and fantasizing about how they look, how well they relate to you, etc. As the "relationship" goes on, the two get to know each other better and the real world begins to enter the conversations.

Trust develops because this is the person "you relate to" and it builds up as more time goes by. It then gets to the point where they begin to be even more honest, sometimes totally honest, and an internet affair becomes a real relationship or affair outside of cyberspace.

Does it really happen?

Absolutely. Too many of clients consult with P.I.s and state their disbelief that their loved one would be trolling for sex on the internet or having an on-line affair. The reality is that, like affairs at school, work, church, the health club or any other social environment, it usually happens quite innocently and grows.

People go online and get to know one another in this safe internet world and slowly it progresses into cyber sex and or a real life relationship. Do not underestimate this format for people meeting and growing close on the internet. Internet affairs happen daily, in every town across the country.

There are also those who are not looking for a boost in their self esteem or have a relationship, rather they simply want sex with someone they don't know or no-strings-attached. In some cases, cybersex fills this need.

This sub-culture is comprised of men and women who use the computer to meet other people who want commitment free sex. They are attracted to the excitement of the affair. They like to type stories about fantasy and sex. They look for others who share this desire.

It is important not to stereotype these folks. They are not just "strippers" or the "dirty old man" wearing a trench coat. This is your neighbor, the soccer mom, the teller at the bank, your accountant, the person next to you at church, your coworker and potentially your partner.

This group uses the computer the same way those looking for true love do. They visit certain sites (not always dating sites - sometimes divorced persons, pen pal sites, parenting boards, class reunion sites, recovery sites or shared interests), e-mail, chat and instant message.

10 CLUES OF AN ONLINE AFFAIR

by Bill Mitchell

1. Your spouse/ partner spends excess time online. Who doesn’t use a computer today? I know a few people. They are excellent for paying bills, staying in touch with family, friends, customers, finding street locations, and a host of other productive endeavors. We can not live without them and shutter when a lighting storm threaten our usage. Just look at kids and their instant messaging. They will go without dinner just to keep in touch with their circle of friends. Try to pull them away, it’s no easy task. Does your spouse resemble your kid’s magnetism to the computer? Discover why this need is so powerful before it’s too late.

2. Passwords, instant message “buddy lists”, internet email accounts and emails are concealed - even protected from you! Do you find your spouse needing his “own space” at the computer? Is there a real reluctance when you ask to know his passwords? What’s there to hide? These questions all have obvious answers. The act of hiding information is deceptive by nature. Of course, those of us who have worked in “Corporate America” understand the need to protect company secrets. But what legitimate “family secret” are we hiding? Listen, any time a spouse becomes secretive with you, it fulfills a direct need they demonstrate. Why? You are like the judge, referee, or source of authority creating that “sense of accountability” over them. Furthermore, they are breaking matrimonial law if committing adultery. There is, in many courts, a price to pay!

3. Computer use after you have gone to bed, when you fall asleep or in the middle of the night. Have you been awaken by the absence of your spouse at night and found him at the computer? If this behavior becomes a pattern you certainly need to be concerned. While work demands a sense of commitment and loyalty, working late repeatedly after you have fallen asleep is a little odd.

4. Your partner abruptly shuts off the internet and/or computer when you approach. This is panic and unexplainable behavior. The rationalization is “when all other contingency plans fail, just shut that thing off and don’t get caught.” This foolish act is also called a “computer crash” and has the potential of damaging both hardware and software. The loss of files occurs when a computer is cut off abruptly. Many spouses have reported this behavior just prior to hiring us. We consider it a significant indicator of a deviant behavior. Now, bear in mind your spouse may be viewing pornography and fear reprisal. This may explain the need for panic.

5. The computer and monitor are always positioned away from your sight. The study of body language has become useful to many investigators, especially those of us who administer lie detection examinations. An obvious sign of deception and a common mistake the cheater make is blocking your view. They need the time to clear a screen, turn off the monitor, or change to another internet page when threatened with exposure. Intentionally turning the monitor or laptop away from view is an indicator they don’t want you to see something. Over time this act develops into a habit and confers greater freedom from detection. In most instances, having the lead time to hide the truth from you is all they need.

6. Clears all internet history after chat sessions, usage or installs software to automatically rid this information. There are times when a computer becomes filled with unwanted files. Computers run faster when less “temporary” files use up valuable “ram memory.” This is prudent maintenance for any computer user. What I am referring to in this sign is the repeated habit of purposefully clearing information from discovery. While this information is retrievable through the science of Computer Forensics and Google Cache holds a lot of things people think they've deleted, you won’t find it readily available. On the market now is software that actually helps the cheater. The actual purpose of this new software tool is to hide any trace of computer internet usage. Do you find this a little suspicious? I do.

7. Exhibits a compulsive need to be online and seems defensive when confronted to stop. “When are you coming to bed?” “We really need to go, now, what’s taking so long?” “Can’t you do that later?” Have you asked these types of questions? Teenagers often become “obsessed” with instant messaging. If you have kids who use the computer, you know. They have trouble walking away from the PC. This same desire or need displayed by your spouse is cause for alarm. A compulsive, defensive pattern of behavior shows a strong need to continue. You need to know why.

8. Shares personal information, photos or events with people who are strangers to you in emails, chatrooms or while instant messaging. Setting up a profile for instant messaging is commonplace. Kids love to fill them up and share with friends on the buddy list. I’ve witnessed spouses who send nude pictures of themselves over the internet. They share very personal information that should be reserved to the marital home. Maybe it’s time to track this information with software that collects this data. Today more courts are allowing emails and computer usage data as evidence. It’s advisable to consult an attorney in your state beforehand!

9. Plays online games and frequents "personals" chatrooms. This is where it starts. Play a few games, win or loss but then we need to chat. Well if chatting is fine, why not include your spouse? You can’t, so why do it?

10. Exhibits the eight warning signs illustrated in "The More You Know – Getting the evidence and support you need to investigate a troubled relationship"

Thirty plus years of investigative experience is poured into this new release. It’s a “must have” resource guide for every woman’s personal library.

2005 Bill Mitchell All rights reserved.

CYBER CHEATING - A growing cause for Divorce

Cyber-cheating a growing cause of divorce;
online surveillance increases as result.
By Jeffrey Cottrill

Not only has the Internet made it easy to meet other people without leaving your own home, it has also provided spouses with a new instrument for starting (and carrying out) extramarital affairs. Whether the perpetrators are unhappy in their marriages, bored with their married sex lives, or merely flirting, "cyber-cheating" is now a common element in cases of marital breakdown.

"It can happen in three or four different ways," explains Dallas attorney Mike McCurley, a past-president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), who says that cyber-affairs are increasingly a cause of divorce.

"First, spouses can develop relationships with somebody they already know from work or somewhere else. It's easy to communicate with someone secretively on the computer, as opposed to on the phone.

Secondly, people actually meet through the web and form relationships that way.

Third, there's the pornography area, which has every kind of invitation you could imagine."

Chicago lawyer Paul Feinstein, also an AAML member, says he hasn't yet seen many cases involving cyber-affairs, but the new phenomenon doesn't surprise him. "The Internet provides one more diversion -- something people can do separately from their spouses," he says. "But is it a cause of marital breakdown or is it a symptom? That's the age-old debate."

As a result, many websites now sell electronic surveillance software designed to catch spouses who cheat "virtually". For example, Infidelity.com offers a program that secretly sends you a copy of every e-mail your spouse sends. Software available from other sites allows you to track each website and chatroom your spouse visits. Some programs even record every key stroke in real time.

"The benefit is that you can monitor their sites and e-mails," says Anthony DeLorenzo, the founder of Infidelity.com and a former private investigator specializing in extramarital affairs. "I don't see any drawbacks. We send them the software, and if they find out that their spouse is meeting the other person somewhere, they can follow and possibly videotape them."

The market for this kind of software is not happily married couples: if you've reached the stage where you feel the need to spy on your spouse, you know your relationship is in serious trouble.

"There are very few instances where 'spying' can improve a relationship," admits John LaSage, who founded ChatCheaters.com after his wife of 23 years left him for a man in New Zealand that she'd met on the web. "But surveillance products could be useful as a last resort, after all other options have been exhausted. For some, it can be difficult to believe what their heart and brain is telling them about the person that they've trusted the most. Right or wrong, they want physical proof." Many people feel more comfortable handling the situation by themselves than approaching a P.I., adds LaSage. "Infidelity can be a private issue they won't even discuss with friends or family."

However, because of the obvious privacy issues, the legality of surveillance software is highly questionable.

"The laws concerning this aren't yet fully determined," says McCurley, "but my best advice is: 'don't do that.' It's a risk you don't want to take -- whether through a computer or a telephone. There are many legal ways to find out whether your spouse is cheating that involve using a private investigator or an attorney. There are federal and state laws concerning eavesdropping and wiretapping."

Feinstein agrees.

"In about 90% of cases, cyber-cheating really doesn't matter, because fault is deemed irrelevant in most states anyway," he adds. "In some cases, I've received some intercepted e-mails with varying relevance; how the clients got them is beyond me."

Both DeLorenzo and LaSage agree that, with or without do-it-yourself surveillance, the best way to handle cyber-adultery is to confront your spouse directly. "If your spouse is cheating, there's obviously a problem with the marriage," says DeLorenzo. "You need to confront the person about it, and then either go to therapy to get help or to an attorney to get a divorce. There's no middle ground here."

LaSage says that many web affairs grow unexpectedly out of innocent surfing and chatting. "In many cases, people do not set out on the Internet intending to cheat. They start out thinking it's okay to do a little flirting because they feel they're in control of the relationship. They can remain anonymous, they can stop the communication anytime they choose, and they believe, as I have heard countless times on my website, 'it's not cheating if there's no touching.'

"The most important recommendation I can give is to not ignore the issue," LaSage adds. "It seems a natural response for people discovering an affair to deny what they're feeling."

Composite Profile of a Cyberpath

Definition: The Online Predator is one who uses the mechanisms of cyber space to hunt human beings with the intent to exploit, rob, plunder and pillage their body, mind, heart and soul. This includes all ages (children or adults). Adults who prey on other adults are called CYBERPATHS.

Characteristics of a Predator:
1. Liar: (Self explanatory) His lies may sound very convincing or contain kernels of truth.

2. Deceiver: His self situation is presented as other than what it is.

3. Betrayer: He is likely to break trust.

4. Insecure: He is worried that others will be faithless.

5. Inconsistent: He will say one thing while doing another or his stories aren't consistent over time.

6. Lacking Honor: Usually while protesting that he has honor.

7. Lack of Respect: He will tend to denigrate, poke fun at or disrespect others.

8. Transient: He is unlikely to have many long term friends though he may tell you differently. He will make sure you don't have to meet any of these "friends" either.

9. Manipulator: He calculates and contrives for his own benefit to the detriment of his partner.

10. Secretive: He will tend to cloak himself and his activities. (blocking you online for days or weeks at a time with no real reason why or being online and not chatting with you)

11. Charming: If he could not steal your breath away, he would not be a successful hunter.

12. Selective: He will pick victims carefully, looking for weaknesses and vulnerability and filling those voids in their lives seemingly completely.

13. Chameleon: He will appear to fit any need perfectly and adapt to fill any desire.

14. Lacking in Self Control: At times, he may have extraordinary self control and discipline, a predator probably exhibits these characteristics in all aspects of his life. Impulsive.

It may be that the only place the predator seems to have 'honor and value' -- is in the false "Relationship" he is developing with his victim.

CAUTION

When developing a new relationship, make a conscious effort to listen to your partner's stories about their interaction with others, not just how he interacts with you. The predator may well reveal his true self through these interactions. But, you may only see this revelation if your are committed to taking every precaution for your own safety.

THEIR ACTIONS NOT THEIR WORDS TELL YOU EVERYTHING.

Predator Warning Signals:
While any of these phrases or actions may be acceptable in a given context, pay close attention when seeing or hearing them:

Phrases:
1. Do not tell ____________ about us, me.

2. (_______) is crazy! (or psycho, sick, a liar, a stalker, harassing me or out to get me) [use caution, the person saying this could be stalked BY a cyberpath... this statement alone does not make them a liar]

3. It would be best if you no longer spoke to _________.

4. I do not need to defend myself against lies. You know I am not like that.

5. They are just jealous (of me, of us, of what we have, that you have me).

6. I have never done this before. I am not that sort of person.

7. I wouldn't lie to you. I would never hurt you.


Actions:
1. Sometimes operates from innocuous web areas or chat rooms. (parents chats, music chats, classmates chats, pen pal sites, shared interest email lists or bulletin boards)

2. Has personal information which is incomplete or not verifiable or gives you vague information about themselves.

3. Becomes defensive or angry when questioned. Or says they're tired and gets offline.

4. Questions your sincerity when questioned.

5. He will usually discourage or forbid personal information checks. (DON'T LET THIS STOP YOU!! THIS IS A MAJOR RED FLAG - If they tell you "you don't trust me" then run their name and nickname(s) through search engines ASAP! And READ EVERY HIT!!)

6. He will usually discourage, schedule for certain times only or forbid the use of his home, work or cell phone number by you. Ask you not to IM him first in case he's busy (usually not alone or chatting with another victim)

7. He's badmouthing his current partner, wife, girlfriend or significant other ("they don't understand me, not enough love/ sex/ attention, etc.")

8. He starts to show lack of concern for what concerns you and/or a change in his behavior and how he talks to you after a few weeks or months. (Changes from caring about you to self-absorbed concerns)

9. You have a serious personal or job problem (sometimes because of chatting with him) and he stops chatting with you for weeks or months at a time telling you its "for your own good" or he's "trying to protect you." (The only person he really cares about protecting is himself)

10. Either refuses to or hesitates to see you for coffee in public place or wants to see you right away. Be very careful if you are in a different country than the person you are chatting with and they offer to pay your way over to "be with them."

"YOU CAN'T FALL MADLY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE YOU HAVE NEVER MET AND SPENT SIGNIFICANT TIME WITH, IN PERSON.... and NOT SEXUAL TIME!

Personal Warning Signals:
These are items that, even if you think JUST ONE, anyone should pay attention to:

1. You feel he is just too good to be true.
2. You are hearing consistent warnings from more than one person about them.
3. Your instincts are whispering "something is not right about this person/what they are saying".

Summary:
The final best defense against an Online Predator is your own common sense and judgment. Be careful not to read into things that simply aren't there.

Always remember that they count on desires, needs, and the heat of the moment that combine to drown that judgment.

Always take a moment to step back, take a deep breath and look at a potential partner with common sense and not with neediness.

(We have used the male gender - online predators can be female as well)

CLICK HERE for a GREAT EXAMPLE!

WHAT ARE THEY REALLY DOING ONLINE?

The power of the internet is helping friends, families and loved ones stay more connected than ever. There is a wealth of information and opportunity available on the internet. With this power and opportunity, however, also comes a variety of illicit activities that your child, your lover, or your spouse can become involved in.

Many people throughout the world use the internet to buy products, research information, connect with loved ones and find support for almost anything that ails them. However, there is a very real and serious problem affecting our families and that is the variety of activities that tear at the core of the family and loving and marital relationships.

A recent survey conducted by Focus On The Family and Zogby International found that 1 out of 5 American adults may have looked for sex on the Internet. 20.8% of respondents to a March 8-10 survey admitted they had visited a sexually-oriented Web site. The percentage of those viewing sex sites was higher among males and young adults. An Internet saturated with pornography is making it alarmingly easy to bring sexual temptation right into our homes. This is a growing problem for thousands of families that struggle with the effects of sexual compulsion and addiction, families like Deanne's.

Deanne's Story
Deanne, a wife and mother of five children, was dismayed about the time her husband was spending on their home computer. "He said he was working late at night sometimes not coming to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning. It was rare that we slept together much because he was awake and online." Deanne would sometimes wake up and go check on her husband and sometimes he would be working online and sometimes he was just "surfing".

What caused Deanne more anguish, though, was her husband's demeanor toward her and their children. "He was distant, short, and introspective. He wasn't the same guy." His sex drive was suffering and he became verbally abusive to her and to their children. "He wasn't this way before he started using the computer so much late at night."

"In my gut, I knew something was terribly wrong but I didn't know what it was. One day while on the internet, I was searching for a site I had previously visited and noticed in the history on our internet browser that a chat room at a pornographic site had been visited. I knew I had not been there."

Deanne confronted her husband about it and said he wouldn't do it again. But her husband's strange behavior continued and Deanne needed to know the truth.

"I downloaded a product called Spectorsoft and installed it in less than 5 minutes. What I recorded that night made me sick. Despair, humiliation and betrayal were what I was feeling that next morning when I looked to see where he had been. He wasn't working at all. He was being unfaithful to me."

THE WARNING SIGNS OF A CYBERAFFAIR
Cyberaffairs are more common than people realize. It is not unusual for someone having a cyberaffair to spend at least four hours a day chatting online. To help partners determine if their loved one is cheating, here are the Seven Tell-Tale Signs of a Cyberaffair that you should look out for.

1. Change in sleep patterns - Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating partner tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things.

2. A demand for privacy - If someone begins cheating on their spouse, whether on-line or in real life, they'll often go to great lengths to hide the truth from their wife or husband. With a cyberaffair, this attempt usually leads to the search for greater privacy and secrecy surrounding their computer usage. The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of his locked study, the spouse may change the password, or cloak all his or her online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating spouse may react with anger or defensiveness.

3. Household chores ignored - When any Internet user increases his time on-line, household chores often go undone or vehmently complained about. That's not automatically a sign of a cyberaffair, but in a marriage those dirty dishes, piles of laundry, and un-mowed lawns might indicate that someone else is competing for the suspected person's attention. In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy on-line and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself - because another relationship has come between your marriage.

4. Evidence of lying - The cheating spouse may hide credit-card bills for on-line services, telephone/cell bills (often using a work cellphone) to calls made to a cyberlover, and lie (often "WORK" or things billed to work accounts) about the reason for such extensive net use. Most spouses lie to protect their on-line habit, but those engaging in a cyberaffair have a higher stake in concealing the truth, which often triggers bigger and bolder lies - including telling you they will quit, get help, counseling, find religion. (sometimes they do for months or years at a time but without real & ongoing (years of) PSYCHIATRIC help - its rare this sticks.)

5. Personality changes - A spouse is often surprised and confused to see how much their partner's moods and behaviors changed since the Internet engulfed them. A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in a cyberaffair responds with heated denials, blaming, and rationalization. Often times, the blame is shifted to the spouse. For a partner once willing to communicate about contentious matters, this could be a smokescreen for a cyberaffair.

6. Loss of interest in sex - Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex alone often includes mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet. If sexual relations continue in the relationship at all, the cheating partner may be less enthusiastic, energetic, and responsive to you and your lovemaking or beg for sexual practices that you are not comfortable with. Also be aware of them asking you to do certain things during sex that you haven't done before or are uncomfortable with.

7. Declining investment in your relationship - Those engaged in a cyberaffair no longer want to participate in the marital relationship - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner, or renting a video on Saturday night. They don't get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship. They seem to plan more "out of town, work related trips." Often, they are having their fun with someone else, and their thoughts of the future revolve around fantasies of running off or hooking up with their cyberpartner - not building intimacy with a Spouse.

SPYING - for those being cheated on

By: Dr. Robert Huizenga

Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse. The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is often strong. There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful. Here are seven:

1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you confronted your cheating husband or cheating wife and it was met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn’t fit! I don’t believe it! To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil. If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at least know that you can trust yourself.

You are NOT CRAZY! Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.

2. Spying on cheating husbands or cheating wives often helps the person feel connected to the partner who seems to be steadily moving away. It is a way of maintaining contact and having some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known. Isnt it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties.

3. Spying on a cheating spouse may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait. You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life. You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.

4. Cheating husbands or cheating wives often, unfortunately, lead to the demise of marital relationships. If you strongly suspect this to be true for your situation you will want to protect yourself legally. If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the relationship. Having evidence does have some impact in some court systems. Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you and the character of your spouse. If your spouse is someone who can't say no, doesn't want to say no or is acting outraged, please make sure to take protective steps.

5. You may want to protect yourself medically if you suspect you have a cheating husband or wife. You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to know. Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your relationship.

6. Seeing signs of a cheating spouse often mean secrets. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact. It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there.

Emotionally, you cant miss it. Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things. Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load. You want to spy because you dont want to live with a secret. You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life.

7. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational triangles that offer intrigue. Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy on your cheating spouse to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.

SPYING - for those being cheated on

By: Dr. Robert Huizenga

Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse. The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is often strong. There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful. Here are seven:

1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you confronted your cheating husband or cheating wife and it was met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn’t fit! I don’t believe it! To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil. If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at least know that you can trust yourself.

You are NOT CRAZY! Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.

2. Spying on cheating husbands or cheating wives often helps the person feel connected to the partner who seems to be steadily moving away. It is a way of maintaining contact and having some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known. Isnt it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties.

3. Spying on a cheating spouse may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait. You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life. You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.

4. Cheating husbands or cheating wives often, unfortunately, lead to the demise of marital relationships. If you strongly suspect this to be true for your situation you will want to protect yourself legally. If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the relationship. Having evidence does have some impact in some court systems. Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you and the character of your spouse. If your spouse is someone who can't say no, doesn't want to say no or is acting outraged, please make sure to take protective steps.

5. You may want to protect yourself medically if you suspect you have a cheating husband or wife. You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to know. Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your relationship.

6. Seeing signs of a cheating spouse often mean secrets. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact. It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there.

Emotionally, you cant miss it. Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things. Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load. You want to spy because you dont want to live with a secret. You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life.

7. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational triangles that offer intrigue. Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy on your cheating spouse to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.

An Internet Affair --- AGAIN?

Dear Dr. Bob,

I have been married for 10 months now. I met my wife playing spades on the internet then we started talking on the phone for hours and hours until I left CA. and moved to TN. with her

we have a good relationship but now she spends so much time on the internet thats making me worried and i don't like it when she talks in IM's to strange guys or gets too close online with them. What should I do? the only thing we fight about is that Iasked her many times not to get close to guys on the spades games and she tells me i'm being jealous she hides her computer so i can't see what she is doing on their.

All i hear is her typing on it in games you click the mouse not type as much as she does she was under her screen name on my computer so i looked at her mail i saw something thats is bugging me very much i saw that she had been talking to this guy and was telling him that she was going to call him when i go to work what should i do?

My response:

As Yogi Berra once said, "This must seem like deja vu all over again." It certainly appears that her behavior now on the net finds some parallels with how your relationship with her started? And, of course, you have a right to be concerned - here she goes again!

You describe behavior that could be labeled "addictive." Her focal point becomes these relationships that generate excitement, intrigue and fantasies? She seemingly can't keep her fingers off the keyboard? Other parts of her life take a back seat? And, she denies that she has a problem or minimizes her activities - she's not doing anything wrong!

Please understand that usually, beneath this minimization, are some guilt and shame and a part of her that is truly looking for something else. And, you want her to find that "something else" with you… not in a series of net/phone "romances."

Confronting, pleading and arguing won't work. She will resist, retreat to her keyboard and you will feel increasingly frustrated and alone.

I suggest you start with a tactic I call, "problemize." Periodically make comments about the problem(s) you see. MAKE SURE you use words, tone of voice and body language that convey acceptance, concern and lack a tone of judgment, condemnation or a sense of superiority.

For example: "Does it ever seem to you that you are going through the same thing now as when you first met me?" "Do you ever stop to think what impact your net/phone relationships will have on our relationship?" "Do you ever think there is more to life than meeting someone on the net?" "You must get a 'high' out of these relationships?" "I wonder what you are REALLY looking for?" "I wonder what I eventually will do with this." "I wonder if you will always be looking?"

Get the idea? Leave a question in your voice. Open the door for her to talk and explore. This is your first step. If, over time, her actions persist, begin to think about what you are willing to tolerate and what actions you may need to take. But, first, "problemize" and see where that goes.