Online Predators, Cybersex and Covert Seduction

We are reposting this as it applies to many of our predators. (see list on right of our previous cyberpath stories)

It is time for this site to post some information about the sex addicts online. Many cyberpaths are also sex addicts. Oh, they won't seem like perverts up front. (we have used the male gender. your cyberpath could be female)

They will convince you they are nice guys, lonely guys, misunderstood, needy; that they "LOVE" you (even though they have NEVER met you), that they are religious or spiritual (see article: Lures of the Online Predator; on this site) and then slowly they ask you to 'turn on your webcam,''send me some pictures of your body parts or you naked,"''send me some underwear/ a lock of your hair" and a variety of requests that by the time they make them (i.e. - by the time they have controlled your mind to think only the best of them and to ignore red flags) - seem very innocent and even romantic - but in reality? should send you RUNNING AS FAR AWAY FROM THEM AS POSSIBLE.

It is a slow & insidious process of brainwashing and manipulation - so wake up and stay safe. - EOPC

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Warning Signs of Cybersexual Addiction:
Routinely spending significant amounts of time in chat rooms and private messaging with the sole purpose of finding cybersex.

Feeling preoccupied with using the Internet to find on-line sexual partners.

Frequently using anonymous communication to engage in sexual fantasies not typically carried out in real-life. (some do turn to escorts/ prostitutes - using online booking & hooker review boards to find real-time sex - some look at reunion sites to find victims and recycle them.)

Anticipating your next on-line session with the expectation that you will find sexual arousal or gratification.

Finding that you frequently move from cybersex to phone sex (or even real-life meetings).

Hiding your on-line interactions from your significant other. (Dunetz/Yidwithlid, Dan Jacoby, Doug Beckstead and John Gash fit this model)

Feeling guilt or shame from your on-line use.

Accidentally being aroused by cybersex at first, and now find that you actively seek it out when you log on-line.

Masturbating while on-line while engaged in erotic or suggestive chat. ( please read the links here: Ed Hicks, Dunetz/ Yidwithlid, Dan Jacoby and Doug Beckstead fit this model)

Less investment with your real-life sexual partner only to prefer cybersex as a primary form of sexual gratification.

Sex addicts often turn to the Internet as a new and "safe" sexual outlet to fulfill their compulsions without the expense of costly 900-lines, the fear of being seen at an adult bookstore, or the fear of disease among prostitutes.

Victims are often left with Persistant Sexual Arousal from the brainwashing & NLP Triggers!

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Understanding what makes Cybersex & Online Love addictive.
Sexual compulsivity over the Internet is not just a result of deviant individuals engaged in acting out, but with remarkable speed, the mental health field has witnessed those with no prior criminal or psychiatric history engaged in such behavior online.

The Model of Cybersexual Addiction is used to explain how the Internet creates a cultural climate of permissiveness that actually serves to encourage and validate sexually deviant behavior.

The Model examines the Anonymity of online interactions that serves to increase the likelihood of the behavior, the Convenience of email and chat rooms making it easily available to users, and finally, the Escape from mental tension derived from the experience which serves to reinforce the behavior leading to compulsivity.

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Excerpted from an article by By Robert Weiss, LCSW, CAS

Healthy romantic love is a unique experience which can encourage bonding, intimacy and the opportunity to play and explore with that special new person.

Romance, with or without sex, encourages personal growth as each new relationship forces new insights and self knowledge. The beginning stages of a potential love relationship can be intense and exciting. Most people easily relate to that "rush" of first love and romance; the stuff of songs, endless greeting cards and warm memories. Healthy intimacy, however, is characterized by more than romance, intensity and sex. Intimacy evolves over time. Loving relationships develop partially through utilizing those first exhilarating times to begin to build a bridge toward deeper, longer term closeness.

It can be difficult for anyone who is not a love or sex addict to understand how love or sexuality can be exploited or evolve into destructive patterns of addiction and compulsion. Yet for the love and sex addict, romantic love, sexuality and the closeness they offer, are experiences most often filled with pitfalls, anxiety and pain. Living in a sometimes chaotic emotional world of desperation and despair, fearful of being alone or rejected, the love addict endlessly longs for that "special" relationship.

Caught up in the constant search for a partner, the addict's endless intrigue, flirtations, sexual liaisons and affairs, leave a path of destruction and negative consequences in their wake of his or her behavior. Ironically, the love or relationship usually has few options to resolve these painful circumstances except by engaging in even more searching, creating an escalating cycle of desperation and loss. Just when seemingly "safe" in the rush of a new romantic affair or liaison the troubled Love or Sex Addict grows steadily more unhappy, fearful and bored and ends up pushing their partner away or looking outside the relationship for yet another new intensity or "love" experience.

Thus the cycle begins anew.

Unlike the healthy person seeking partnership and sex as a complement to their life, the love and sex addict searches for something outside of themselves (a person, relationship or experience) which will provide them with the emotional and life stability that they themselves lack. Similar to a drug addict or alcoholic, love and sex addicts use their arousing romantic/ sexual experiences in an attempt to "fix" themselves and remain emotionally stable.

When love and sexuality are used as a way to cope, rather than a way to grow and share, partner choice becomes skewed. Compatibility becomes based on "whether or not you will leave me", "how intense our sex life is" or "how I can hook you into staying", rather than on whether you might truly become a peer, friend and companion.

Addictive relationships are characterized over time by unhealthy dependency, guilt and abuse. Love and sex addicts will use seduction, control, guilt and manipulation to attract and hold onto romantic partners. At times, despairing of this cycle of unhappy affairs, broken relationships and sexual liaisons, some love or sex addicts may have "swearing off" periods (like the bulimic/anorexic cycles of overeaters). The addict believes that just "not being in the game" will solve the problem; only to later find the same issues reappearing when they re-engage in any type of potential intimacy.

Typical Signs of Love or Sex Addiction Include:
Constantly seeking a sexual partner, new romance or significant other (trolling online for new partners or having a bunch of them going at the same time)

An inability or difficulty in being alone

Consistently choosing partners who are married, attached, emotionally (or logistically) unavailable

Using sex, seduction and drama/ intrigue to "hook" onto a partner

Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions

Missing out on important family, career or social experiences in order to maintain a sexual high or romantic relationship

When in a relationship, being detached or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone

Avoiding sex and sexual acting out (being online, seeing prostitutes, etc) for long periods of time to "solve the problem"

Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others (returning to spouse, significant other after a horrible period of acting out and swearing you will change/get help, etc)

Mistaking sexual experiences and romantic intensity for love

Not everyone who has engaged in one or two of the above has an addiction problem, many people may have their judgment skewed by a difficult person or situation from time to time in their lives. However, when these situations become the norm, lived over and over again in some form or another, the diagnosis can be made. Love and sex addicts who are not in recovery, like any addict, do not learn from their consequences and mistakes. It is only when the pain of these behaviors and situations becomes greater than the pain and challenges of creating change, that recovery begins.

(Love & Sex Addiction doesn't seem like much at first, can be FACILITATED by the internet and will lead the cyberpath to slowly & covertly manipulate the target in a relationship that FOR THE PREDATOR, no matter what they SAY, is about SEX ONLY.

When they are done they move on with some lie for an 'excuse', leaving the target wondering what happened!

Targets frequently have severe PTSD and PSAS from the relationship - EOPC)

An Internet Affair --- AGAIN?

Dear Dr. Bob,

I have been married for 10 months now. I met my wife playing spades on the internet then we started talking on the phone for hours and hours until I left CA. and moved to TN. with her

we have a good relationship but now she spends so much time on the internet thats making me worried and i don't like it when she talks in IM's to strange guys or gets too close online with them. What should I do? the only thing we fight about is that Iasked her many times not to get close to guys on the spades games and she tells me i'm being jealous she hides her computer so i can't see what she is doing on their.

All i hear is her typing on it in games you click the mouse not type as much as she does she was under her screen name on my computer so i looked at her mail i saw something thats is bugging me very much i saw that she had been talking to this guy and was telling him that she was going to call him when i go to work what should i do?

My response:

As Yogi Berra once said, "This must seem like deja vu all over again." It certainly appears that her behavior now on the net finds some parallels with how your relationship with her started? And, of course, you have a right to be concerned - here she goes again!

You describe behavior that could be labeled "addictive." Her focal point becomes these relationships that generate excitement, intrigue and fantasies? She seemingly can't keep her fingers off the keyboard? Other parts of her life take a back seat? And, she denies that she has a problem or minimizes her activities - she's not doing anything wrong!

Please understand that usually, beneath this minimization, are some guilt and shame and a part of her that is truly looking for something else. And, you want her to find that "something else" with you… not in a series of net/phone "romances."

Confronting, pleading and arguing won't work. She will resist, retreat to her keyboard and you will feel increasingly frustrated and alone.

I suggest you start with a tactic I call, "problemize." Periodically make comments about the problem(s) you see. MAKE SURE you use words, tone of voice and body language that convey acceptance, concern and lack a tone of judgment, condemnation or a sense of superiority.

For example: "Does it ever seem to you that you are going through the same thing now as when you first met me?" "Do you ever stop to think what impact your net/phone relationships will have on our relationship?" "Do you ever think there is more to life than meeting someone on the net?" "You must get a 'high' out of these relationships?" "I wonder what you are REALLY looking for?" "I wonder what I eventually will do with this." "I wonder if you will always be looking?"

Get the idea? Leave a question in your voice. Open the door for her to talk and explore. This is your first step. If, over time, her actions persist, begin to think about what you are willing to tolerate and what actions you may need to take. But, first, "problemize" and see where that goes.

An Internet Affair --- AGAIN?

Dear Dr. Bob,

I have been married for 10 months now. I met my wife playing spades on the internet then we started talking on the phone for hours and hours until I left CA. and moved to TN. with her

we have a good relationship but now she spends so much time on the internet thats making me worried and i don't like it when she talks in IM's to strange guys or gets too close online with them. What should I do? the only thing we fight about is that Iasked her many times not to get close to guys on the spades games and she tells me i'm being jealous she hides her computer so i can't see what she is doing on their.

All i hear is her typing on it in games you click the mouse not type as much as she does she was under her screen name on my computer so i looked at her mail i saw something thats is bugging me very much i saw that she had been talking to this guy and was telling him that she was going to call him when i go to work what should i do?

My response:

As Yogi Berra once said, "This must seem like deja vu all over again." It certainly appears that her behavior now on the net finds some parallels with how your relationship with her started? And, of course, you have a right to be concerned - here she goes again!

You describe behavior that could be labeled "addictive." Her focal point becomes these relationships that generate excitement, intrigue and fantasies? She seemingly can't keep her fingers off the keyboard? Other parts of her life take a back seat? And, she denies that she has a problem or minimizes her activities - she's not doing anything wrong!

Please understand that usually, beneath this minimization, are some guilt and shame and a part of her that is truly looking for something else. And, you want her to find that "something else" with you… not in a series of net/phone "romances."

Confronting, pleading and arguing won't work. She will resist, retreat to her keyboard and you will feel increasingly frustrated and alone.

I suggest you start with a tactic I call, "problemize." Periodically make comments about the problem(s) you see. MAKE SURE you use words, tone of voice and body language that convey acceptance, concern and lack a tone of judgment, condemnation or a sense of superiority.

For example: "Does it ever seem to you that you are going through the same thing now as when you first met me?" "Do you ever stop to think what impact your net/phone relationships will have on our relationship?" "Do you ever think there is more to life than meeting someone on the net?" "You must get a 'high' out of these relationships?" "I wonder what you are REALLY looking for?" "I wonder what I eventually will do with this." "I wonder if you will always be looking?"

Get the idea? Leave a question in your voice. Open the door for her to talk and explore. This is your first step. If, over time, her actions persist, begin to think about what you are willing to tolerate and what actions you may need to take. But, first, "problemize" and see where that goes.

IS INTERNET ADDICTION REAL?

More research is being conducted to explore the way people use--and misuse--the Internet.

BY TORI DeANGELIS

If you believe what you read, "Internet addiction" is about to make us a nation of derelicts. Men drooling over online pornography, women abandoning their husbands for chat-room lovers and people losing their life savings on gambling Web sites are just a few of the stories peddled in today's press.

But despite the topic's prominence, published studies on Internet addiction are scarce. Most are surveys, marred by self-selecting samples and no control groups. The rest are theoretical papers that speculate on the philosophical aspects of Internet addiction but provide no data.

Meanwhile, many psychologists even doubt that addiction is the right term to describe what happens to people when they spend too much time online.

"It seems misleading to characterize behaviors as 'addictions' on the basis that people say they do too much of them," says Sara Kiesler, PhD, a researcher at Carnegie Mellon University and co-author of one of the only controlled studies on Internet usage, published in the September 1998 American Psychologist. "No research has yet established that there is a disorder of Internet addiction that is separable from problems such as loneliness or problem gambling, or that a passion for using the Internet is long-lasting."

But more psychologists are plunging into Internet addiction research, fascinated by its emotional, psychological and social implications. In their work, they are finding a subset of people who spend so much time online, especially in sexual encounters, that they report problems in their marriages, families and work.

In addition, researchers speculate that certain unique aspects of the Internet may lure people into trouble they might otherwise avoid.

"The Internet is unlike anything we've seen before," says David Greenfield, PhD, founder of the Center for Internet Studies. "It's a socially connecting device that's socially isolating at the same time."

Who's vulnerable?
Greenfield has conducted one of the largest surveys on the topic to date: a 1998 study of 18,000 Internet users who logged onto the ABC News Web site. He found that 5.7 percent of his sample met the criteria for compulsive Internet use. Those findings square with figures from smaller studies done by others, which range from 6 percent to 14 percent. Study participants who met Greenfield's criteria (adapted from criteria for compulsive gambling) were particularly hooked on chat rooms, pornography, online shopping and e-mail, he found. About a third said they use the Internet as a form of escape or to alter their mood on a regular basis.

In addition, the "addicted" people were far more likely to admit feelings of losing control in their dealings on the Net than "nonaddicts." Greenfield believes that the loss of control is just one indication of the potency of the psychoactive nature of the Internet. Other signs include time distortion, accelerated intimacy and decreased inhibition. For instance, 83 percent of those who fit the addiction criteria reported a loss of boundaries when they used the Net, compared to 37 percent who didn't meet the criteria.

Meanwhile, 75 percent of "addicts" said they had gained "feelings of intimacy" for someone they'd met online, compared to 38 percent of "nonaddicts." Of those who met Greenfield's criteria for Internet addiction, 62 percent said they regularly logged on to pornography sites, spending an average of four hours a week viewing the material. And 37.5 percent of that group masturbated while online, they said.

"Regardless of the technical definition of Internet addiction, there is clearly something unique and powerful going on here," Greenfield says. "The most widely affected areas seem to be marriages and relationships due to compulsive pornography, cybersex and cyberaffairs."

Chat rooms and porn sites
Many studies, including Greenfield's, also report a preponderance of male Internet addicts. In an unpublished study of 1,300 college students by Keith Anderson, PhD, of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, 91 of the 103 students who met his criteria for "Internet dependence" were male.

But other studies, including one of the first studies on Internet addiction, by Kimberly Young, PhD, find that women are addicted as often as men--just in different ways. Young, who treats people with Internet problems, is executive director of the Center for On-line Addiction (www.netaddiction.com), founded in 1995. Hers is the first behavioral health-care firm to specialize in Internet-related disorders, offering outpatient and online treatment.

Men and women "addicts" seem to prefer sites that fit behavioral stereotypes of their own gender, according to a study by Alvin Cooper, PhD, and colleagues in the March 2000 issue of Sexual Addiction and Compulsion: The Journal of Treatment and Prevention. Their research--which is the only analysis to specifically focus on Internet sexuality--found that women were more likely to spend time flirting or having "cybersex" with others in sexually oriented chat rooms, while men were drawn to porn Web sites.

"Men prefer visual stimuli and more focused sexual experiences, while women are more interested in relationships and interactions," says Cooper, who is training coordinator at Stanford University's counseling and psychological services center, Cowell Student Health Center.

In a study in the May 1998 issue of Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Cooper also found that more than 91 percent of Internet users spent less than 11 hours a week logging on to sexual sites. About 82 percent spent less than an hour doing so, "with very few negative repercussions," he says. (Full text of these research articles appears here.)

But men and women "addicts" who spent the most time each week online--11 hours or more--said it was their chat room behavior that most interfered with important aspects of their lives. Cooper will investigate further exactly what those problems are, such as whether online sexuality leads to sex offline, why people might go online when they're already in a sexual relationship and how such compulsion affects people's home and work lives.

The Internet also seems to invite both genders to experiment in ways they might otherwise not, Cooper finds. A full 12 percent of women in his sample of 9,265 respondents, compared with 20 percent of the men, have accessed pornography at least once. Cooper speculates that women who visit porn sites may "just be experimenting and wanting to see what the big deal is."

The available research leads psychologists to question whether those involved in cybersex have sexual addictions, or whether they otherwise wouldn't engage in illicit sexual encounters but find the Internet an easy medium in which to experiment.

Cooper labels about 17 percent of his sample "at-risk" users--people who "wouldn't otherwise have gotten involved with sexuality in a problematic way, were it not for the Internet." Certain qualities of the Internet--its accessibility, affordability and anonymity--make it more difficult to resist the temptation of online sex, Cooper believes.

But for now, this and other questions about Internet use will remain unanswered until more controlled studies are done, critics say. An article in the Feb. 4 issue of the Chronicle of Higher Education outlined what those studies should investigate. Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute psychologists Joseph B. Walther, PhD, and Larry D. Reid, PhD, suggest that future research include:

* An empirical look not just at problem use, but at healthy use as well.

* More theory and research on why the Internet compared with other outlets is so attractive to some people.

* More study of which comes first, Internet "addiction" or previous mental health or social problems.

It's also important to examine whether people's Internet use ebbs and flows over time and why, Kiesler and colleagues note.

Tori DeAngelis is a writer in Syracuse, N.Y.

IS INTERNET ADDICTION REAL?

More research is being conducted to explore the way people use--and misuse--the Internet.

BY TORI DeANGELIS

If you believe what you read, "Internet addiction" is about to make us a nation of derelicts. Men drooling over online pornography, women abandoning their husbands for chat-room lovers and people losing their life savings on gambling Web sites are just a few of the stories peddled in today's press.

But despite the topic's prominence, published studies on Internet addiction are scarce. Most are surveys, marred by self-selecting samples and no control groups. The rest are theoretical papers that speculate on the philosophical aspects of Internet addiction but provide no data.

Meanwhile, many psychologists even doubt that addiction is the right term to describe what happens to people when they spend too much time online.

"It seems misleading to characterize behaviors as 'addictions' on the basis that people say they do too much of them," says Sara Kiesler, PhD, a researcher at Carnegie Mellon University and co-author of one of the only controlled studies on Internet usage, published in the September 1998 American Psychologist. "No research has yet established that there is a disorder of Internet addiction that is separable from problems such as loneliness or problem gambling, or that a passion for using the Internet is long-lasting."

But more psychologists are plunging into Internet addiction research, fascinated by its emotional, psychological and social implications. In their work, they are finding a subset of people who spend so much time online, especially in sexual encounters, that they report problems in their marriages, families and work.

In addition, researchers speculate that certain unique aspects of the Internet may lure people into trouble they might otherwise avoid.

"The Internet is unlike anything we've seen before," says David Greenfield, PhD, founder of the Center for Internet Studies. "It's a socially connecting device that's socially isolating at the same time."

Who's vulnerable?
Greenfield has conducted one of the largest surveys on the topic to date: a 1998 study of 18,000 Internet users who logged onto the ABC News Web site. He found that 5.7 percent of his sample met the criteria for compulsive Internet use. Those findings square with figures from smaller studies done by others, which range from 6 percent to 14 percent. Study participants who met Greenfield's criteria (adapted from criteria for compulsive gambling) were particularly hooked on chat rooms, pornography, online shopping and e-mail, he found. About a third said they use the Internet as a form of escape or to alter their mood on a regular basis.

In addition, the "addicted" people were far more likely to admit feelings of losing control in their dealings on the Net than "nonaddicts." Greenfield believes that the loss of control is just one indication of the potency of the psychoactive nature of the Internet. Other signs include time distortion, accelerated intimacy and decreased inhibition. For instance, 83 percent of those who fit the addiction criteria reported a loss of boundaries when they used the Net, compared to 37 percent who didn't meet the criteria.

Meanwhile, 75 percent of "addicts" said they had gained "feelings of intimacy" for someone they'd met online, compared to 38 percent of "nonaddicts." Of those who met Greenfield's criteria for Internet addiction, 62 percent said they regularly logged on to pornography sites, spending an average of four hours a week viewing the material. And 37.5 percent of that group masturbated while online, they said.

"Regardless of the technical definition of Internet addiction, there is clearly something unique and powerful going on here," Greenfield says. "The most widely affected areas seem to be marriages and relationships due to compulsive pornography, cybersex and cyberaffairs."

Chat rooms and porn sites
Many studies, including Greenfield's, also report a preponderance of male Internet addicts. In an unpublished study of 1,300 college students by Keith Anderson, PhD, of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, 91 of the 103 students who met his criteria for "Internet dependence" were male.

But other studies, including one of the first studies on Internet addiction, by Kimberly Young, PhD, find that women are addicted as often as men--just in different ways. Young, who treats people with Internet problems, is executive director of the Center for On-line Addiction (www.netaddiction.com), founded in 1995. Hers is the first behavioral health-care firm to specialize in Internet-related disorders, offering outpatient and online treatment.

Men and women "addicts" seem to prefer sites that fit behavioral stereotypes of their own gender, according to a study by Alvin Cooper, PhD, and colleagues in the March 2000 issue of Sexual Addiction and Compulsion: The Journal of Treatment and Prevention. Their research--which is the only analysis to specifically focus on Internet sexuality--found that women were more likely to spend time flirting or having "cybersex" with others in sexually oriented chat rooms, while men were drawn to porn Web sites.

"Men prefer visual stimuli and more focused sexual experiences, while women are more interested in relationships and interactions," says Cooper, who is training coordinator at Stanford University's counseling and psychological services center, Cowell Student Health Center.

In a study in the May 1998 issue of Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Cooper also found that more than 91 percent of Internet users spent less than 11 hours a week logging on to sexual sites. About 82 percent spent less than an hour doing so, "with very few negative repercussions," he says. (Full text of these research articles appears here.)

But men and women "addicts" who spent the most time each week online--11 hours or more--said it was their chat room behavior that most interfered with important aspects of their lives. Cooper will investigate further exactly what those problems are, such as whether online sexuality leads to sex offline, why people might go online when they're already in a sexual relationship and how such compulsion affects people's home and work lives.

The Internet also seems to invite both genders to experiment in ways they might otherwise not, Cooper finds. A full 12 percent of women in his sample of 9,265 respondents, compared with 20 percent of the men, have accessed pornography at least once. Cooper speculates that women who visit porn sites may "just be experimenting and wanting to see what the big deal is."

The available research leads psychologists to question whether those involved in cybersex have sexual addictions, or whether they otherwise wouldn't engage in illicit sexual encounters but find the Internet an easy medium in which to experiment.

Cooper labels about 17 percent of his sample "at-risk" users--people who "wouldn't otherwise have gotten involved with sexuality in a problematic way, were it not for the Internet." Certain qualities of the Internet--its accessibility, affordability and anonymity--make it more difficult to resist the temptation of online sex, Cooper believes.

But for now, this and other questions about Internet use will remain unanswered until more controlled studies are done, critics say. An article in the Feb. 4 issue of the Chronicle of Higher Education outlined what those studies should investigate. Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute psychologists Joseph B. Walther, PhD, and Larry D. Reid, PhD, suggest that future research include:

* An empirical look not just at problem use, but at healthy use as well.

* More theory and research on why the Internet compared with other outlets is so attractive to some people.

* More study of which comes first, Internet "addiction" or previous mental health or social problems.

It's also important to examine whether people's Internet use ebbs and flows over time and why, Kiesler and colleagues note.

Tori DeAngelis is a writer in Syracuse, N.Y.