ONLINE: THE NEW INFIDELITY

ONLINE: THE NEW INFIDELITY

In recent years, infidelity has begun root in new ways, due to the advent and growth of the Internet and the entry of women into professions once dominated by men. Many experts are noticing that both in the workplace and on the Internet, "a new crisis of infidelity" is unfolding. The new type of infidelity involves people who do not seek out extramarital affairs, but are unintentionally moving beyond platonic friendships to romantic involvements.

Maheu and Subotnik (2001) explain that the Internet provides an escape in the form of cybersex and so-called "virtual infidelity" to millions of people who do not know how to improve their difficult or unsatisfying relationships or whose religious beliefs do not permit divorce.

"They may find themselves financially, geographically or emotionally stuck. Whatever their reasons, they seem to be hungering for easy access to companionship and sex"

The Internet has made it fast and easy to find and connect with others, and it's the ideal medium for secretive relationships. For those who seek it, infidelity is just a few clicks away.

"Cyber-infidelity occurs when a partner in a committed relationship uses the computer or the Internet to violate promises, vows or agreements concerning his or her sexual exclusivity" (Maheu and Subotnik, 2001, p. 10).

"Beware of the lure of the Internet" where "affairs develop quickly" and inhibitions are instantly lowered and infidelity seems "innocent."

Glass highlights the following three key characteristics of a relationship that crosses the line from harmless platonic friendship to deeper emotional attachment and infidelty:

"1) greater emotional intimacy than in the marital relationship,
2) secrecy and deception from the spouse, and
3) sexual chemistry."

Extramarital involvements based on a deep emotional bond can be as painful for the betrayed spouse as a sexual infidelity. However, experts generally agree that affairs that include both extramarital infidelity and a meaningful emotional bond are the most disruptive.

original article found here

Teen Internet Love Gone Wrong - He's a She

By Helen Weathers

(U.K.) Fourteen-year-old Emily Marabella’s heart skipped a beat when she chanced upon the profile of ‘Mr Gorgeous’ on an internet social-networking site. With his long fringe sweeping out from under a beanie hat, chiselled jaw and pretty-boy looks, he was the very image of her teen idol, Justin Bieber.

Never in her wildest dreams did Emily think someone as adorable as ‘Mr Gorgeous’ would be attracted to a shy, self-conscious girl like her. So, when he replied to her first message, directing her to a YouTube clip of him singing the Bruno Mars’ song ‘Just the Way You Are’, Emily was thrilled.

It marked the start of an eight-month, long-distance chatroom romance, during which the handsome teenager was soon telling Emily she was perfect, with beautiful eyes and hair.

His internet messages saying ‘I love you’ and ‘I can’t stop thinking about you’ were music to the ears of a girl who fretted about her weight and suffered from the chronic skin condition, eczema.

Emily, now 15, says: ‘I’d never been in a proper relationship or done well with boys, so to be told I was really nice looking made me feel so happy. When he said he loved me, I wanted to scream it from the rooftops.’

Indeed, Emily did tell everyone, proudly showing pictures of her new boyfriend — who told her his name was Matt — to her family and friends at school in her home town of Market Harborough in Leicestershire.

Only Matt didn’t exist. To Emily’s acute distress and embarrassment, her dream boyfriend turned out to be girl called Chloe; a fact she discovered only after they’d met up for the first time in October 2010.

By then Emily had held hands with ‘Matt’, hugged ‘him’ and allowed her new ‘boyfriend’ to briefly kiss her. It is now 18 months since the day all Emily’s dreams were ‘shattered’ in what she describes as ‘the worst thing that has ever happened to me’. She has tried to put it behind her, but the memories flooded back last week following the conviction of Gemma Barker, another girl who pretended to be a boy on internet sites.

In contrast, Emily’s ‘boyfriend’ Matt — in reality a 16-year-old girl from Surrey — has never been charged, and this week was still to be found on certain internet networking sites, including Twitter, pretending to be a boy.

When Emily’s parents called the police, they were told no offence had been committed as no sexual assault had taken place. It is not against the law for a girl to dress as a boy, or indeed to create a false internet profile. ‘It is amazing that there is no law to stop people from creating a fake identity in this way and then using it to deceive someone else,’ says Emily’s mother Julia, 48, a personal trainer.

‘At which point can the police prosecute? Do they have to wait for more inappropriate behaviour? This has absolutely shattered my daughter emotionally.’

Emily and her mother have agreed to speak out to warn other girls of the dangers of being taken in by fake internet profiles, even when parents do everything in their power to protect their children from harm.

For even Emily’s cautious parents were initially fooled. Not content to judge their daughter’s relationship with ‘Matt’ on pictures alone, Emily’s parents permitted the internet friendship only after first checking that Emily’s crush wasn’t actually some predatory older man posing as a teenager.

They spoke to ‘him’ on the phone, saw ‘him’ on their laptop webcam and vetted his messages for sexual content, but found nothing untoward. As Julia says, it seemed like a ‘harmless penpal relationship’ and seeing their daughter blossom under the intense light of ‘Matt’s’ attention was a delight to witness.

Emily says: ‘I had a very low opinion of myself at the time, so for Matt to find me attractive was amazing. I told all my friends at school and showed them his picture. Matt told me, “one day I want to marry you”. It was so perfect.’

After five months chatting online, the teenagers arranged to meet up at Market Harborough train station during the school summer holidays in 2010. Julia says: ‘I was fine with her meeting Matt, provided we met him, too.’

Emily arrived at the station with two friends for safety, and Julia planned to meet them all once ‘Matt’ had arrived. He never showed up.

‘I felt like a fool,’ says Emily, who has two older brothers, Oliver, 22, and Edward, 20. I was so angry, but when I contacted him afterwards he told me he had a phobia of trains and was scared. I was so head over heels in love with Matt, I would have believed anything he said.’

Emily and Matt arranged to meet again during the October half-term. This time Emily’s father Ian, 47, a driver, took her to the station to meet Matt, who was dropped off by car by his grandmother and auntie. Matt certainly looked like a typical teenage boy in his checked shirt and baggy jeans, but Ian was suspicious.

Julia recalls: ‘Ian phoned me and said, “I need you to get here as quickly as possible, there’s something not quite right”. I rushed to the station in a panic to find Emily in the car and Matt sitting on the pavement with his head in his hands.

‘Ian came over to me and said: “I think it’s a girl, it’s not a boy” and I said: “What on earth makes you think that?” and he told me Matt’s auntie had said: “I hope she behaves herself,” before driving off. I knelt down beside Matt, and said: “Ian’s got a bit of a problem, I know this is really embarrassing, but can you tell me what your name is?”. He said “Matt”, and when I asked why his auntie had said “she”, Matt explained he had a twin sister and his auntie kept getting them confused. I kept looking at Matt and it was really hard to tell. I thought: “You look like a boy”. In the car we kept asking questions and that’s when Matt told us his sister Chloe was his twin. Stupid as it sounds, I believed him. Emily didn’t have any suspicions at all, and was so embarrassed.’

That afternoon, Julia and Ian took Emily, her friend and Matt to the park to walk the family’s dogs and, at one point, the three teenagers ran off together. It was then, away from the watchful eyes of parents, that Emily says Matt kissed her. But by then, Julia and Ian were becoming more convinced that Matt really was a girl.

‘It was a windy day,’ says Julia. ‘And as the wind blew the heavy fringe away from his face, I thought: “I can definitely see a girl in you now,”’ says Julia. ‘But what could we do? We couldn’t just abandon her or turf her out because she was only 15 and her gran wasn’t due to pick her up until 6pm. Even though I was upset, angry, annoyed, I felt responsible for her.

‘I didn’t want Matt alone with Emily because my daughter was in total denial and I didn’t want any more kissing, so we watched them like hawks. Heaven knows what might have happened if Emily had met Matt alone. I would have been absolutely mortified if there had been any touching.’

At 6pm, the Marabellas drove Matt back to the station to be collected by his grandmother and auntie. 'I’ve never seen anyone run away so quickly, the car hadn’t even had time to stop. Matt was desperate to get away from us,’ says Julia. ‘I ran after Matt because I was angry and upset and I felt desperately sorry for Emily that he hadn’t said goodbye, so before they could all zoom off, I stopped their car. ‘The elderly aunt and grandma were sitting there and they asked: “Has she behaved herself?” I was so dumbfounded. I just didn’t know what to say because they clearly didn’t have a clue. Then, they turned round and said: “I hope you have been a good girl, Chloe,” and I felt physically sick and incredibly foolish. I was too shocked to say anything. I went back to our car and said: “Oh my God, Ian, Emily, it’s a definitely a girl,” and that’s when Emily’s world fell apart.’

Emily continues: ‘I burst into tears, saying: “No, it can’t be,” because I still loved this person. I just didn’t want to believe it, because you can’t go straight from loving someone to hating them. I couldn’t think of life without this person.’

That evening, Emily messaged Matt, demanding answers.

‘I told Matt: “I know you are a girl,” but Matt denied it and still insisted she was a boy and that Chloe was her twin sister,’ says Emily, who immediately ceased all contact. I felt I’d lost absolutely everything. No one could understand how I felt. It’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever been through in my life. Even now, it still haunts me.’

As well as contacting the police, Julia reported the case to various internet sites in the hope of blocking “Matt’s” profile, but because no criminal offence has been committed, there was apparently nothing that could be done to stop it.

‘There may be no offence being committed, but to me the deception is still there,’ says Julia. ‘Just because “Matt” is a teenage girl and isn’t a 40-year-old man doesn’t mean it’s not wrong. I have no idea what is going on in this girl’s head, but she must need some form of psychological help if she has to pretend to be a boy. Since this has happened Emily’s whole attitude, her behaviour, her whole perception of boys, her trust, have all been changed. She became introverted and depressed, saying: “No one will find me attractive now. I can only get a girl, not a boy.” Her eczema flared up so badly, her school thought she was self-harming because she’d scratched her skin raw.’ Emily adds: ‘The day Matt became Chloe, I changed from the nicest person to someone who just doesn’t care any more.’

When the Mail spoke to Chloe/Matt’s 76-year-old grandmother, with whom the teenager lives, she said Chloe had been deeply affected by her grandfather’s death in 2009, which had triggered an episode of deep depression.

She added that Chloe’s parents split up when she was three, and that her granddaughter came to live with her when Chloe’s mother couldn’t cope with the child’s challenging behaviour.

‘Since all this happened, Chloe is being treated for depression and is now doing well again,’ said the grandmother, who admits she is not computer literate and therefore had no idea that Chloe was — and still is — posing on internet chatrooms as a boy.

The day after we spoke to Chloe’s grandmother the Facebook profile for “Matt” was taken down, although it remained on another site.

‘She’s a good girl and behaving herself now. We’ve explained to her that she will get into trouble with the police if she continues to pretend to be someone else, which I think she understands. She was very close to her grandfather, and when he died she became depressed and just didn’t want to be herself any more. She just wanted to be someone else.’

■ Some names have been changed for legal reasons.

original article here

THOUGHTS ON CYBERPATHS - FROM PROFESSIONALS & VICTIMS

Here on EOPC, we have quotes from victims of Cyberpaths and professionals dealing with Cyberpaths' victims as well as thoughts on the long term after-effects of their attacks. You may have read them elsewhere, you may not. We think they're important and powerful enough to include here so you can read them in their entirety - EOPC

FROM VICTIMS: "The potential for damage is overwhelming. Overnight, many lives are turned inside out when it has been revealed that the person that you gave your love and your complete trust to has betrayed you. The emotional and financial scars are deep" --- Target of Julia-Bish-Judah-Hunt-McGovern

"I will gain strength, become a stronger and much wiser person from this devastating experience, but it will never be over. It will be with me for the remainder of my days on Earth. I will forever be changed by this most ultimate & intimate of betrayals... They throw us away like an old pair of shoes; and like the predators they are, they quickly move on to their next victim. The magnitude of the lies cannot be imagined by anyone unless you have lived this nightmare"-- Wife #7 of Ed Hicks

"Everything was a lie. [He] took away my ability to trust, and he ruined me financially"- Wife #6 of Ed Hicks

"I will never trust anyone else after this. My heart is closed now and I think I don't want to get to know ANYONE else... I feel so used! A million showers won't clean my body from this snake's touch!" -- Target#1 of Nathan E.B. Thomas, Jr.

"I prayed I was just overly sensitive because of my years of being in one abusive relationship after another. Even now I find it difficult to fathom how you can give so much of yourself to a person and have them so totally wipe it all away as if it never happened with no remorse & go on their merry way leaving a path of destruction & half-truths behind them.
I'd known him over 25 years. I thought I could trust him. I did what I did from the heart and with genuine, deep emotion - and he knew it! Now he says it was 'all a game' - that's first I have heard it was a GAME!
Realizing someone you have known for so long, spent so much time talking with, did it ALL just to USE you is horrifying. The grief is no ordinary grief. After distancing himself from me, he can now tell stories, all of which are twisted, with the spin to make HIM look the victim. At least I have hard evidence that he's lying. It's nothing less than soul murder." --Target #1 of Jeff Dunetz/ YidwithLid

"...for the first time in our relationship, I began to cry. I realized he was a TOTAL fraud. He said he "was looking for the right girl" in his dating profile. I thought, "how could he say that when he told me I was right for him?" I had changed myself at his direction and was at the point of exhaustion... I was horrified by the fact he used the SAME EXACT language in the profile as he did online! ...he threw me away, all the while BLAMING ME for not being "good enough." How could this person call himself moral ... when he was a complete liar. -- Target of Brad Dorsky

"[He] included EVERYTHING that was missing from my life, as if he could read my thoughts and make my wishes come true. I can see now he really studied me well and became "my perfect mirror." He knew exactly what to say to make me feel good; especially after being in an abusive marriage for so long with no attention from my husband. This man "love bombed" me and I didn't even know what hit me!" -- Target of Keith Clive

"Being lied to is a hurtful thing. Being conned by someone you love is a devastating thing. You find that the facade .... was lies on his part; and how empty & meaningless [you were to him]. It hits below the belt and it scars you emotionally, financially... You become a laughingstock...
Some say I am obsessed with this man, but in reality, I am obsessed with getting justice done. There can be no closure on this until that happens. Even then I will never trust anyone whole heartedly with my love, my life or my money again. ...all I wanted was to be loved, and he turned that into a crime that suited his needs." -- Target of William Michael Barber

"While doubters may still find it dubious that on-line romance could ever take the place of a real relationship, the husbands & wives of Net-addicts are discovering that cybersex can pose a direct threat to their marriages. "...We went through it and a little while later [my cybersex partner]messaged me and said, 'If I message you again & ask you if we had sex, say no, OK?' I said, 'Sure, why?' She said her husband is very jealous and comes on-line when she's on, to make sure she isn't netsexxing."

....Pearl's husband was not as lucky. "My ex-husband, Lee, would vanish into the basement every night for hours, saying he had brought home a lot of paperwork from the office. We missed a lot of parties and family events, but I never questioned it. I felt sorry for the poor guy, working so hard to give me and the kids some extras. Then, one day when I was cleaning out the room, I found a sheet of paper under the desk with a love-letter printed on it." Pearl was even more traumatized when she turned on his PC and found a sub-directory filled with HUNDREDS of love-letters from different women, addressing her husband as "Prince Charming." "The Prince lost his castle," Pearl says sourly. "I changed the locks on him and filed for divorce."

Carl Salisbury, an attorney at Killian & Salisbury in East Hanover, NJ, who specializes in electronic law, notes that cybersex-related suits are showing up increasingly in American courts. "There was a case in Maryland where a MacDonald's franchise had an email system," says Salisbury. "One of their employees was having an email affair with another employee, who was married. The manager screened their email and showed it to the married guy's wife!" When the married man sued his manager and MacDonald's for breach of privacy, the courts ruled that the manager was within his rights to view employee email.

And, as the cyber-population booms ...we can expect to see more irate spouses filing for divorce with on-line infidelity as grounds. "It's inevitable that we're going to be seeing more & more divorce cases as a result of cybersex," says Salisbury. "There's such an enormous amount--and variety--of activity going on the Net and the Web, and the variety increases literally every day." -- HOW TO HAVE CYBERSEX - Gloria G. Brame

"It's a trap. Your imagination fills in the blanks with exactly what you want. You don't learn more with more rounds of writing. All you do is invest more emotional energy, for which there is no payoff." -- Joe Teig, New York, NY


FROM PROFESSIONALS:

"We now understand that women & men are not "crazy" or "defective" when, in response to trauma, they develop PTSD symptoms, including insomnia, flashbacks, phobias, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, dissociation, a numbed toughness, amnesia, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-mutilation and social withdrawal. - Phyllis Chesler, MD

"We hear about Internet predators for children, I don't think we're hearing very much about Internet predators for middle age women at all. And that bothers me," -- SANDRA PHIPPS, FightBigamy

"When [] predators are found using the Internet a common response of the Internet industry and government officials is to blame someone else, or say that nothing can be done to stop it." -- Donna M. Hughes, PhD; Univ. of Rhode Island

"We must do whatever it takes to minimize or eliminate [the predator's] access to vulnerable prey as targets of opportunity. Period. For ever. Indeed, these people will thank us for it. Consider how many [cyberpaths] deliberately get themselves caught just to stop themselves." - What Makes Narcissists Tick

"[APOLOGIES] are not some pious, phoney-baloney, half-hearted rendition of what you think they want to hear. Nor is it a watered-down, politically correct 'confession' that you think will buy you closure at the expense of truth... [admit] what you are doing to screw up your life. This also means admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you're doing, however sick or subtle those payoffs are. - Dr. Phil McGraw"

"[Online Predators] count on our shame to keep their secrets. They know that exposing them means exposing our own failings. That's what makes them so powerful. They manipulate us into these situations then sit back & watch us squirm between protecting ourselves or blowing the whistle. The [victim often] is still emotionally connected to the [Cyberpath], thus protecting them and accusing them alternatively. Many [victim]s will not name their [cyberpath]s to counsellors or other helpers, thus protecting their identity. The hook, which the [Cyberpath] has implanted in their heart, is hard to remove. If you want something to cry about, cry for the [Cyberpath]'s new victim(s), the innocent, unmarked, un-inoculated prey. These victims are carefully chosen..." - Mary Ann Borg Cunen

"Internet dating is populated, to a large degree, by criminals and married people. Estimates have gone up to 30% that online daters are married. That represents an emotional risk to our membership base. I want to eliminate those people [from] the site." - Herb Vest, CEO of True.com

"How do we go from fantasy to reality? Lots of people have private fantasies that give them some sort of pleasure and maybe even trouble them, but they don't act on them. I think one of the contributory facts-- it's not the only one-- is the insidious nature of the internet itself. I think there are three things that are problematic about the Internet, or at least three things. One is the easy accessibility. You don't, in the beginning at least, have to go anywhere. You just push a button that's sitting there next to you.
Secondly, there's this illusion of anonymity, which can be very disinhibiting. You feel as though you're there in the privacy of your bedroom. It's not that private, but you don't sense that at the time. And thirdly, there is a distortion of reality and fantasy to some extent. That people feel as though they're playing a game. They're making up who they are. They wonder if someone else is giving a false persona. They begin to do things that in the light of day they might never have done and then, ultimately and sadly, sometimes cross a line that they might not otherwise have crossed. Where do they get the message [the internet] is where you can go? We've created a "we versus they" mentality. And I understand that what they do is offensive. It's aggravating. It makes me angry. But we're not going to solve the problem by pushing it further underground." - Dr. Fred Berlin, Psychiatrist, Johns Hopkins University on "DATELINE NBC"

"I love words. I believe in the power of words. I believe that if truthful words are spoken, written, shared, they will be heard, and they will be answered. Not with a [cyberpath]. You get sucker-punched in trying to explain something. There is no response to what is said. Words are deflected, twisted, questions answered with questions, non sequitors abound." - NarcissisticAbuse.com

"This is the classic emotional rape scenario: the use of a higher emotion (such as love) to fulfill a hidden agenda... There can be no hidden agendas in real love. These features, even if identified in retrospect, can help victims understand what has happened to them, giving them a chance of real recovery. - Dr. Mike Fox, The Emotional Rape Syndrome

"Powerful and sneaky people use apologies as end runs around repentance. They betray a trust; and, when they have been found out, they say they are sorry for "mistakes in judgement"... They get by only because we have lost our sense of the difference between repentance for wrong and apologies for bungling... We should not let each other get away with it. A deep and unfair hurt is not a mere faux pas. We cannot put up with everything from everyone; some things are intolerable. When someone hurts us deeply and unfairly an apology will not do the job; it only trivializes a wrong that should not be trifled with." -- - Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgive and Forget"

"The [exposed Cyberpath] on the other hand, cannot rest until they have blotted out a vaguely experienced [target] who dared to oppose them, [expose them], to disagree with them or to outshine them. [The Cyberpath] can never find rest because they can NEVER FULLY wipe out the evidence that has contradicted their conviction they are unique and perfect and handled things appropriately. This archaic rage goes on and on and on." - Dr. Ernest Wolf "

"Text-based relationships are very deceptive. People know only the good stuff, and none of the bad. The missing pieces are filled in based on hope, not on reality."- Dr. S. King; Pacific Graduate School of Psychology in Palo Alto, CA

"When there is a question of WHO is telling the truth? See who has to GAIN by lying or bending history. Usually the real truth teller has to expose a vulnerable part of themselves, which takes courage and honesty." - Law Professor, Fordham University


FINAL THOUGHTS

"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." -- Voltaire

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Online liars' noses don't grow, but their wordiness does, Cornell researchers find

How to spot an online fibber
REPOSTING THIS IN HONOR OF SELF-INVOLVED BLABBERS - CYBERPATHS: DOUGLAS BECKSTEAD AND NATHAN E.B. THOMAS, JR. HONORABLE MENTION: self-styled politic pundit: JEFF DUNETZ aka Yid With Lid

(ITHACA, N.Y.) How to spot an online fibber: They talk too much, use more pronouns about others and use more terms about the senses, such as "see," "hear" and "feel," than people telling the truth, according to a new study by Cornell University communication experts.

"Our study suggests that people who are lying to another person in a chat room or in instant messaging use approximately one-third more words, probably in their attempt to construct a more cohesive and detailed story in order to seem believable," says Jeff Hancock, assistant professor of communication in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences (CALS) at Cornell.

"Perhaps more important is the finding that people being lied to also change the way they talk, even though they don't explicitly know they are being lied to," says Hancock. He found that targets of lies on the Web ask more questions and also use more words than when they are being told the truth. Hancock says that this may be another reason for the extra words: targets of deception may become skeptical and ask more questions than those receiving truthful information.

The study is published in the Proceedings of the 26th Annual Conference of the Cognitive Science Society (2004). It was first presented at the 2004 annual meeting of the Cognitive Science Society in Chicago.

Other studies have shown that liars use fewer words, but these studies examined deceptive monologues, not a conversation with a partner, and did not look at online communications, which, because they are written, give people more time to prepare their responses. Hancock's finding that liars use more pronouns about others ("he," "she," "they") than truthful communicators is consistent with other research and is probably liars' attempts to distance themselves from their deception and to deflect the focus.

Hancock's co-authors are Lauren E. Curry '04 (now at Fordham Law School) and Saurabh Goorha, M.S. '04 (now in Cornell's S.C. Johnson Graduate School of Management), and collaborator Michael T. Woodworth at Okanagan University College, British Columbia. The researchers studied 66 people and paired them up for a conversation via an instant-messaging interface on computers. Participants were asked to discuss five assigned topics about themselves; one of each pair was randomly assigned to fabricate stories in two topics and was given examples about the kinds of lies to tell. They had five minutes to prepare.

Although more research is needed to observe deceptive face-to-face conversations to see what happens when nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions, are available, Hancock says that text-based communication is becoming increasingly ubiquitous. His findings suggest that researchers might be able to develop techniques to identify online communication that appears to be deceptive.

~~~~~
The study was supported in part by the Department of Communication at Cornell and a federal Hatch Grant.

Related World Wide Web sites: The following sites provide additional information on this news release. Some might not be part of the Cornell University community, and Cornell has no control over their content or availability.

Jeff Hancock

(Sounds a LOT like Ed Hicks, Dan Jacoby and Gareth Rodger, too!)

Online liars' noses don't grow, but their wordiness does, Cornell researchers find

How to spot an online fibber
REPOSTING THIS IN HONOR OF SELF-INVOLVED BLABBERS - CYBERPATHS: DOUGLAS BECKSTEAD AND NATHAN E.B. THOMAS, JR. HONORABLE MENTION: self-styled politic pundit: JEFF DUNETZ aka Yid With Lid

(ITHACA, N.Y.) How to spot an online fibber: They talk too much, use more pronouns about others and use more terms about the senses, such as "see," "hear" and "feel," than people telling the truth, according to a new study by Cornell University communication experts.

"Our study suggests that people who are lying to another person in a chat room or in instant messaging use approximately one-third more words, probably in their attempt to construct a more cohesive and detailed story in order to seem believable," says Jeff Hancock, assistant professor of communication in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences (CALS) at Cornell.

"Perhaps more important is the finding that people being lied to also change the way they talk, even though they don't explicitly know they are being lied to," says Hancock. He found that targets of lies on the Web ask more questions and also use more words than when they are being told the truth. Hancock says that this may be another reason for the extra words: targets of deception may become skeptical and ask more questions than those receiving truthful information.

The study is published in the Proceedings of the 26th Annual Conference of the Cognitive Science Society (2004). It was first presented at the 2004 annual meeting of the Cognitive Science Society in Chicago.

Other studies have shown that liars use fewer words, but these studies examined deceptive monologues, not a conversation with a partner, and did not look at online communications, which, because they are written, give people more time to prepare their responses. Hancock's finding that liars use more pronouns about others ("he," "she," "they") than truthful communicators is consistent with other research and is probably liars' attempts to distance themselves from their deception and to deflect the focus.

Hancock's co-authors are Lauren E. Curry '04 (now at Fordham Law School) and Saurabh Goorha, M.S. '04 (now in Cornell's S.C. Johnson Graduate School of Management), and collaborator Michael T. Woodworth at Okanagan University College, British Columbia. The researchers studied 66 people and paired them up for a conversation via an instant-messaging interface on computers. Participants were asked to discuss five assigned topics about themselves; one of each pair was randomly assigned to fabricate stories in two topics and was given examples about the kinds of lies to tell. They had five minutes to prepare.

Although more research is needed to observe deceptive face-to-face conversations to see what happens when nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions, are available, Hancock says that text-based communication is becoming increasingly ubiquitous. His findings suggest that researchers might be able to develop techniques to identify online communication that appears to be deceptive.

~~~~~
The study was supported in part by the Department of Communication at Cornell and a federal Hatch Grant.

Related World Wide Web sites: The following sites provide additional information on this news release. Some might not be part of the Cornell University community, and Cornell has no control over their content or availability.

Jeff Hancock

(Sounds a LOT like Ed Hicks, Dan Jacoby and Gareth Rodger, too!)

Beatty Chadwick: Still Trolling for Love

by Monica Yant Kinney

The online dating world is full of wishful thinking, baggage-hiding, and artfully chosen photos that defy reality and gravity. All laptop romantics fib a little, hoping the truth won't matter once they've made an electronic love connection with another lonely liar.

But even by today's standards, the Match.com post by an infamous former Main Liner is a stretch.

The half-dozen pictures show a balding gent resembling Mr. Burns from The Simpsons, but the profile lists his age at an inconceivable 54.

He's a Gemini who digs dogs and devours the Economist, a lawyer who earns $150,000 a year. He's "athletic and toned" and seeks a "slender" younger gal interested in summering on a lake in Michigan with a cultured sugar daddy.

"I subscribe to the orchestra, ballet, opera, and theater."

Gee, I tell beattychad when I reach him by phone Monday at his place in Wilmington, you sound like a real catch. But, uh, is any of this version of you true?

Heh heh heh, H. Beatty Chadwick laughs nervously like his animated doppleganger. "What one says online is not always the fact."

A numbers game
If you want the facts, go to a file room at the Schnader Harrison law firm, where 76 boxes marked Chadwick are stacked floor to ceiling.

Surely you remember the basics: Beatty Chadwick, a corporate lawyer with blue blood and a stubborn streak, was accused of hiding $2.5 million from his then-wife, Bobbie, rather than turn it over in one of the Main Line's most salacious divorces.

In court in 1993, Chadwick said he transferred most of the couple's assets to Gibraltar, of all places, to satisfy a murky debt. Bobbie Chadwick's lawyer, Albert Momjian, contended that the alleged "debt" was a fraud; Beatty Chadwick had hidden the funds around the world so his ex wouldn't see a cent.

A judge agreed and ordered Chadwick to return the money. He refused, was held in contempt, and was arrested in 1995. For reasons only Beatty Chadwick knows, he then chose to spend 14 years behind bars in Delaware County rather than give in to his former flame.

Chadwick was finally released in 2009 when a judge determined that the epic incarceration had lost its "coercive" effect.

The man who had served the longest contempt term in U.S. history was finally free. And where better to start over than on the Internet?

Who's your sugar daddy?
"Yes, it is I," Chadwick says with a chuckle when I ask if he's beattychad. "I am testing the waters. I haven't met anyone yet."

Beattychad is a highly paid lawyer, but Beatty Chadwick is not. His license was suspended. He tells me he's working in real estate development, but is vague on his income: "I don't know why [the dating profile he created] would say I was making a lot of money."

Chadwick is 74, not 54. Of this deception he jokes, "I didn't count the years I spent in jail."

Beattychad has been on the prowl for a month, much to the horror of the former Mrs. Chadwick.

"Unbelievable!" Barbara "Bobbie" Applegate shrieks upon hearing about her ex's online role-playing when reached at her new home in Maine. "He's sick. He's crazy. He's always been a person who didn't have to live by the rules."

Sitting behind his desk, Momjian the lawyer smiles and asks for a copy of Chadwick's online persona. The divorce was finalized long ago, but the financial case drags on.

"We've had him back in court since his release," Momjian tells me. "We've asked for his tax returns. He's still not cooperating."

Momjian seems particularly intrigued by Chadwick's luring women with the promise of pricey European vacations and wine tasting.

"I would imagine that $2.5 million grew, wherever it was," the lawyer surmises. Whether the stolen funds doubled or tripled, "we're going to get that money."

If not, there's always Plan B: "I'd do anything to get him back in jail."

original article here

Beatty Chadwick: Still Trolling for Love

by Monica Yant Kinney

The online dating world is full of wishful thinking, baggage-hiding, and artfully chosen photos that defy reality and gravity. All laptop romantics fib a little, hoping the truth won't matter once they've made an electronic love connection with another lonely liar.

But even by today's standards, the Match.com post by an infamous former Main Liner is a stretch.

The half-dozen pictures show a balding gent resembling Mr. Burns from The Simpsons, but the profile lists his age at an inconceivable 54.

He's a Gemini who digs dogs and devours the Economist, a lawyer who earns $150,000 a year. He's "athletic and toned" and seeks a "slender" younger gal interested in summering on a lake in Michigan with a cultured sugar daddy.

"I subscribe to the orchestra, ballet, opera, and theater."

Gee, I tell beattychad when I reach him by phone Monday at his place in Wilmington, you sound like a real catch. But, uh, is any of this version of you true?

Heh heh heh, H. Beatty Chadwick laughs nervously like his animated doppleganger. "What one says online is not always the fact."

A numbers game
If you want the facts, go to a file room at the Schnader Harrison law firm, where 76 boxes marked Chadwick are stacked floor to ceiling.

Surely you remember the basics: Beatty Chadwick, a corporate lawyer with blue blood and a stubborn streak, was accused of hiding $2.5 million from his then-wife, Bobbie, rather than turn it over in one of the Main Line's most salacious divorces.

In court in 1993, Chadwick said he transferred most of the couple's assets to Gibraltar, of all places, to satisfy a murky debt. Bobbie Chadwick's lawyer, Albert Momjian, contended that the alleged "debt" was a fraud; Beatty Chadwick had hidden the funds around the world so his ex wouldn't see a cent.

A judge agreed and ordered Chadwick to return the money. He refused, was held in contempt, and was arrested in 1995. For reasons only Beatty Chadwick knows, he then chose to spend 14 years behind bars in Delaware County rather than give in to his former flame.

Chadwick was finally released in 2009 when a judge determined that the epic incarceration had lost its "coercive" effect.

The man who had served the longest contempt term in U.S. history was finally free. And where better to start over than on the Internet?

Who's your sugar daddy?
"Yes, it is I," Chadwick says with a chuckle when I ask if he's beattychad. "I am testing the waters. I haven't met anyone yet."

Beattychad is a highly paid lawyer, but Beatty Chadwick is not. His license was suspended. He tells me he's working in real estate development, but is vague on his income: "I don't know why [the dating profile he created] would say I was making a lot of money."

Chadwick is 74, not 54. Of this deception he jokes, "I didn't count the years I spent in jail."

Beattychad has been on the prowl for a month, much to the horror of the former Mrs. Chadwick.

"Unbelievable!" Barbara "Bobbie" Applegate shrieks upon hearing about her ex's online role-playing when reached at her new home in Maine. "He's sick. He's crazy. He's always been a person who didn't have to live by the rules."

Sitting behind his desk, Momjian the lawyer smiles and asks for a copy of Chadwick's online persona. The divorce was finalized long ago, but the financial case drags on.

"We've had him back in court since his release," Momjian tells me. "We've asked for his tax returns. He's still not cooperating."

Momjian seems particularly intrigued by Chadwick's luring women with the promise of pricey European vacations and wine tasting.

"I would imagine that $2.5 million grew, wherever it was," the lawyer surmises. Whether the stolen funds doubled or tripled, "we're going to get that money."

If not, there's always Plan B: "I'd do anything to get him back in jail."

original article here

A NATIONAL MARRIAGE DATABASE IS NEEDED!

THE ABSOLUTE NEED FOR A MARRIAGE DATABASE

Fight Bigamy says:
"Our archaic system is failing in our transitional, wireless-based society of today. Moreover, Internet dating sites have given many of these predators a whole new supply. Our fragile system is taken advantage of by serial bigamists sociopaths and con artists." (and Cyberpaths!)

Click here to read this whole article

~~~~~
"So how do they do it? First of all, sociopaths are experts at sizing up a person’s vulnerabilities. Secondly, they are professional manipulators.

Sociopaths are fluent liars. They sidestep questions and always have a plausible answer when discrepancies are noticed. They create authentic-looking documentation. They imply that other people vouch for them, and actually convince other people to cover for them. They keep people apart so it’s impossible to compare notes.

As a result, it is extremely difficult to spot the deception of a sociopath.

The point of a marriage database is to make the public records searchable."

EXCERPTED FROM THIS WONDERFUL ARTICLE - CLICK HERE

A NATIONAL MARRIAGE DATABASE IS NEEDED!

THE ABSOLUTE NEED FOR A MARRIAGE DATABASE

Fight Bigamy says:
"Our archaic system is failing in our transitional, wireless-based society of today. Moreover, Internet dating sites have given many of these predators a whole new supply. Our fragile system is taken advantage of by serial bigamists sociopaths and con artists." (and Cyberpaths!)

Click here to read this whole article

~~~~~
"So how do they do it? First of all, sociopaths are experts at sizing up a person’s vulnerabilities. Secondly, they are professional manipulators.

Sociopaths are fluent liars. They sidestep questions and always have a plausible answer when discrepancies are noticed. They create authentic-looking documentation. They imply that other people vouch for them, and actually convince other people to cover for them. They keep people apart so it’s impossible to compare notes.

As a result, it is extremely difficult to spot the deception of a sociopath.

The point of a marriage database is to make the public records searchable."

EXCERPTED FROM THIS WONDERFUL ARTICLE - CLICK HERE

Jeff Dunetz/ YidwithLid: SEX ADDICT/PREDATOR - FINALLY REVEALED.

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