If It's Online, Is It Cheating?

IS IT CHEATING?

In our technologically advanced world, computers and the Internet are becoming a part of life. We use the Internet for information, email and now even dating. With thousands of dating sites out there, it's easier than ever to hook up with someone across the country! The popularity of online dating has skyrocketed and the statistics are astounding.

With that comes the increased ability to cheat with anyone, anywhere. Married people all over the world are starting to use the internet to carry out full-blown affairs. The question is, is it really cheating? If you never see the person or have physical contact, should it be frowned upon? Those doing the act of cheating of course see nothing wrong with it, but those being cheated on have a different opinion.

As some background, online cheating is much more common than one may think with about 30 percent of visitors to online dating sites identifying themselves as married (the actual number of married people on online dating is probably much much higher). There are even online cheating sites specifically for married people which describes themselves as discreet dating sites for married people with no excuses and no explanations. Though many may not think of innocent chatting and cybersex as cheating, it usually leads to more. In an article written by David Koeppel, online cheaters describe it as "exciting and addicting." One person says,"Its power can be trance-inducing." These people use the internet as their outlet to escape from reality.
Again, the big question is, is it really cheating? John LaSage, a California man was left by his wife for an internet boyfriend. He says, "chatting is OK, cheating is not." That’s where he draws the line. However, there are others who may be hurt by chatting alone. If a spouse is online chatting day and night, it takes valuable time away from the spouse. One woman who has been cheated on says, "he swears he loves me but shows more emotion for these online women than me." This illustrates that even with the absence of physical contact, online cheating can still ruin the emotional factors in a marriage. Health, Beauty and Fitness magazine says, "we believe that sharing your emotions with anyone other than your current partner is adultery whether the relationship is physically consummated or not." The emotional aspects are often stronger and more important than the physical. This can lead to a very hurt spouse if he or she finds out about the affair. With this comes the other big reason why people think online affairs are easier, the ability to hide them.

Many see online cheating as the easy way out, but it may not be so easy. It's easier to chat online at work or have cybersex on the computer rather than in a hotel, however, everything can be traced on a computer. It's always lingering in cyberspace somewhere. Many businesses are starting to make a living off of tracing devices for the internet. They sell these packages to people that are suspicious of a loved one or family member and they allow them to view chat conversations and much more. Along the same lines with chatting and cheating online is the viewing of internet pornography. As people experiment with online dating sites, they are bound to come across pop-ups and links to pornography.
Internet pornography is of course another touchy subject with married couples. It leads the other spouse to feel inadequate and unimportant. But again, is that cheating? Nielsen Net ratings have found that 17.5 million people have visited pornography sites in their home each month. That's a very high number, so is there something wrong with it or is it normal? Dr. Phil has his opinion on this matter. For more, go to Dr. Phil's Homepage.

Of course everyone has their own opinion on internet dating, pornography and other related topics and no one will ever know for sure until they are put in the situation. However, anything as time consuming and personal as some of these online relationships seems to be as bad as cheating in real-life with a real person. Not to mention the fact that most online affairs develop into something else. As they say, once a cheater, always a cheater. So don't rule out the possibility that your spouse has an online lover. Many who aren't computer savy see it as the easy way out so it's becoming more and more common. But as for the question, is it cheating? I say it most definitely is. It makes the other partner feel lonely and unappealing just as in a real-life affair. So beware, the internet is becoming more and more dangerous.

Do They Fit the Checklist on Predators?

The other type of emotionally unavailable man is unavailable due to his relationship (or relationships) with another woman (or women). These guys are never really committed to a woman. They don’t see any relationship as necessarily permanent, including marriage - even if they give lip service to being “deeply committed” to the woman they are with at the moment.

In truth, however, they don’t truly value their intimate relationships or take them seriously, because they are merely “playing,” even though engagement or marriage hardly seems like something to “play” at. They don’t take their relationships seriously because on some level - even if subconsciously - they know they can find someone else who will get involved with them if their current affair ends. What else would cause someone to repeatedly play his future like a crap-shoot without really fearing the outcome?

…It is probably because women keep attempting to get close to him that causes him to keep moving from partner to partner or to keep adding partners. He is uninterested in experiencing or is unable to experience deep feelings of connection with anyone. CHECK!

…What is dangerous about emotionally unavailable men is that they are not authentically emotionally responsive. They are emotionally avoidant.

…Some of these men may have a sexual addiction that fuels their pursuit of rapidly revolving, superficial relationships. Perhaps his sexual addiction takes the form of chronic and compulsive pornography use, a pattern that will diminish a man’s normal human responsiveness.

… be aware that [this type of man] will come across to you as a devoted father and husband or as an upstanding citizen of his community. Never discount the possibility that your emotionally unavailable man may have multiple hidden lives (always the case if he’s engaging in clandestine extramarital affairs) as well as being an emotional predator. For example: emotional unavailability, plus life he keeps hidden from you, his wife or his girlfriend, plus the keen sixth sense of an emotional predator, plus a sexual addiction - help these pathological men thrive at attracting serial superficial relationships.

If he is a sexual addict as well he will have a hidden life of endless porn watching, masturbation, voyeurism, and even using prostitutes. Many times these men will cover their perversions with heavy involvement in community politics, their church or synagogue or doing volunteer work. And they will make sure this cover is very visible so no one suspects.

Sexually addicted predators will not stop at you, they will go after your friends as well. They think nothing of telling your friend that you mean nothing to them and that you are possibly “imagining” the relationship. They will tell their wives the same things about you or any other woman they know insisting “she’s jealous of us and is obsessed with me.” They are masterful jugglers of time and people.

…a woman’s availability itself is a deciding factor… “any port in a storm” will provide adequate distraction from the reality of his life.

Womanizers also look for women who will believe their stories about their home life. Very few of them tell women how happy they are at home, how wonderful their wife is, and how they just really want to have extramarital sex with no strings attached. No, that usually isn’t the story line. The story line goes: “No one has ever really loved me, and certainly not my wife. She nags… doesn’t appreciate me… hates sex…”

Women take this hook too often. …they will be able to make him “finally feel loved… listened to… appreciated.” His need is not “once and for all to be loved” as much as it is to get laid, be amused and be distracted.

A womanizer may be highly verbal about his relationships. He may share personal information in such a way that women mistake his sharing for emotional intimacy… He knows well enough that women are empathic to tales of empty and sad relationships…

An interesting point is that almost every woman who told us her story about getting involved with an emotionally unavailable man said it happened at a time when her self-esteem was low. [She] was coming out of a relationship situation that had damaged her self-esteem (such as being abused or even going through a divorce). Women accept far more during times of low self-esteem than they do when their self-esteem is sound. A belief that she doesn’t deserve a whole, satisfying and healthy relationship is a reflection of how low her self-esteem is. If a man gives a woman who suffers with low-self esteem a little attention… then too often she willingly falls [for him].

The emotional predator is as bad as it gets. He qualifies as the pinnacle of poisonous and pathological… He could, in fact, be called the “emotional psychic.” That’s because it’s his ability to intuit and sense a woman’s emotional vulnerabilities that places her at risk. Webster’s defines predatory as “having a disposition to injure or exploit others for one’s own gain"; it defines predator as “one that preys, destroys or devours.” That’s a good summation of this man. Who but the most pathological among us would set out to exploit, prey on, destroy or devour?

He will hone in on your vulnerabilities and read you. If he likes what he reads, he will follow up by luring you into his scary and dangerous life.

Predators have a natural ability for reading women who are lonely, needy by nature, emotionally wounded or vulnerable. The predator also has his antennae up for women who… have unfulfilled needs in their lives. …he figures out how he can squeeze into the vacant space in your life and what you need to hear in order to allow this to happen.

…[they] “sense” which woman will make the best target for them. They don’t know why they have this gift or how they acquired it. …they have been working women over since childhood. A predator’s intuitive sixth sense is untaught. …an adult’s skills can’t compete with his abilities to scam, con and conquer.

…emotional predators also fall into the mentally-ill category, usually under the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder. Most also have hidden lives. When you couple a predator’s natural instincts with a lifetime of skills honed by successfully conning, exploiting and injuring women, you have a man who is nothing short of extraordinarily smooth and capable of horrific dangerousness.

Predators’ motives vary. But you can be sure a predator wants something from you. That is the entire reason for the relationship. …There is something in you that he wants. Maybe “all” he wants is your utter adoration or for you to exalt his ego. …Maybe wants what you can provide to help establish his image so he will marry you (’good family man’). Or maybe …he’s most interested in the pursuit and conquest of a woman… If he is a sexual predator, you are a target, whether it be for consensual sex or rape - depending on whichever way it plays out or whatever mood he is in.

A predator does not “need” the relationship. Early on… the predator is deliberately romantic. Predators are shifting chameleons who can be all things to all women. Predators are smooth as silk. …predators are listeners who will give up very little information until they are sure it will align with your history. …His selection is based on his need and your vulnerability. He knows it’s a matter of matching need with need. The more he knows about your needs, the better he can meet them.

He has a nose for vulnerability, so women who have unmet needs “smell” especially good to him. He seeks women who need men who can “sense and know” them on almost a spiritual level. Since he is good at this, he will appear to know you well - and quickly.

They like women who had absent fathers, angry mothers or neglectful and abusive husbands. Knowing that many women are trained to believe that people are basically good at heart, predators will present themselves as men of honor and virtue…. But because he is a chameleon, he will listen closely to see if you also need a mentor, an adviser on some topic, a spiritual leader, or a male friend.

During counseling sessions I’ve had with men who are emotional predators, some have verbalized their targets. One said,

“I look for naive women. I like a certain vulnerability to her - that she trusts humanity without asking for proof. Maybe she’s been hurt a lot so there’s a “woundedness” to her. That vulnerability makes them believe you, because they need to believe you.”

Another said,

“I like the women who have been pounded down by men and those with childhoods that weren’t so good. They are particularly easy.”

It is important to understand that each predator has developed his own unique style. He has a “type” or two of women he prefers because with those types he has mastered the approach, the dating, and the ‘end.’ He doesn’t have to think very hard if he just uses the profile he’s had success with. One predator may prefer recently divorced or divorcing women because he succeeds at playing that angle with them.

… these guys can show a woman they definitely “get it.” They show you all the attention that the jerks you’ve been with haven’t. They say all the right lines that the men in your past could never verbalize. They are brilliant and insightful about what you need. They seem to know exactly every pain you have suffered.

With more skill than a carnival psychic, the emotional predator can hone in on your every need, sympathize with you in such a way so that you believe you’ve met your long lost soulmate and sweep you off your feet… He’s… more insightful than a therapist. He “knows” you the way no one else ever has.

This guy moves FAST. He’s got to - before you figure out what his M.O. is. Every woman should be suspect of the relationships that seem to be traveling in the fast lane on the super-highway of emotional intimacy. A predator needs to keep you so euphoric with compliments and lover’s talk that you aren’t listening, or paying attention. He is dripping with sincerity and clinging to every word you say. A predator wants to consummate the relationship with you right away, because time is against him.

To move the relationship along and be indispensable to you, he must act helpful, comforting and generous. Since he is working against the clock, he must find out what you need and then meet that need.

While listening to you and observing you, he will glean a lot of information about your hobbies, interests, spiritual beliefs and value systems. He is the original identity thief. He uncovers and uses for his own purposes everything he can about what makes you - YOU. He will find you amazing, beautiful, bright and talented - like no one he has EVER met before. He will align how he portrays himself with your needs and also your interests until you feel like you are looking at your twin.

Finally, another way predators succeed with women is by preying on their compassion. Once a woman is in the grip of a predator, anything can happen.

[Once a woman sees their stories] for the crock they are and bust them for their fake opinions with them, they will try and turn the table and make it seem it was the woman who had emotional problems!

(the original was written in the male gender; your predator may be female)

SYMPTOMS OF ONLINE BRAINWASHING

The process of brainwashing (or 'grooming') their victims is one consistently reported by those who have dealt with a cyberpath. Here's some of the cyberpath's process:

THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING (MIND CONTROL)

1. The cyberpath keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your cyberpath might make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them. They will always leave you on the edge of your seat about what their next move or even when your next contact will be. (usually on their terms, not yours)

2. The cyberpath controls the victim's time and online environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons/friends/net buddies except the cyberpath.

Your cyberpath might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. Your chats may have moved to a more "private" or one on one forum and they insist you NOT tell others about you & them or include anyone else in your chats. If you do, be suspicious the cyberpath might be working on THEM behind your back as well. You may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

3. The cyberpath creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency. Usually by providing unparalleled attention, support and understanding in the beginning and then SLOWLY over time withdrawing it and systematically replacing it with their real 'agenda.'

Verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

4. The cyberpath works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

The online predator trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself. They make you feel that everything you do, say or think - revolves around the cyberpath. (i.e. less talking & real communication - more cybersex, doing things for them, in person sexual encounters, money loans, etc)

5. The cyberpath puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

In other words -- What he says, goes.

(We have used the male gender - your cyberpath may well be female.)

MORE FROM DAN JACOBY - The "Love" Bomber

"... LOVE BOMBING or showing an unusually intense interest in [someone’s] life and activities — is manipulative and deceitful ...particularly one at a vulnerable stage, such attention can be flattering, but [ ]it represents an attempt at mind control. Mind-control techniques such as love-bombing are designed to bypass a person’s intelligence and especially his critical-thinking skills.

When a lonely or hurting (emotionally or physically) person suddenly receives an overwhelming amount of love and acceptance, it is extremely difficult for them to stand back and assess the reasons for this or question something he desperately doesn’t want to have disappear." - Jason Gay, The Boston Phoenix

This is how cyberpaths rope you in and keep you in. As FAST as the attention and "love bombing" starts - it can come to a crashing stop. And the cyberpath will say they "can't control themselves" but they can and do. (Remember gridney/ yidwithlid did this to his Target #1 - and as soon as he was confronted - he stopped and ran away. Total control despite his protestation to the opposite. Leaving Target #1 twisting the wind and trauma bonded to him. On purpose. Because he wanted complete power over her & the relationship. There was nothing equal or loving on his part, about it. )

Notice the commonality of tactics between Jacoby? Gash? Hicks? Beckstead? etc... (see list at right for links to these stories)

By overwhelming you with love talk, attention, gifts, and sometimes sexuality - the cyberpath leaves you breathless, unable to think - you are in a sort of trance then. Very susceptible to suggestion. And then you are in their control.

Remember, the best way of killing someone is when you tell them that you love them because all her/his defenses go down. - Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl

Here's just one of Jacoby's numerous LOVE BOMBS to his victim. He's a piece of work:

From: Jacoby
To: victim
Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2005

I feel hopeless. I am a dead man without you, but I’m dying a slow death every time we hurt each other. You know I want you in my life. You ARE my life. I’m so lovesick it hurts even when I’m smiling. I’m sorry, but unless you didn't give me a thought this morning you must have known I would be devastated finding an empty mailbox in the morning - especially after crying out that I couldn't take much more (of our misunderstandings). (what happened - was she questioning him about his b.s.? LOL)

I love you. More than anyone could possibly love you. If you really believe that, ANYTHING I write that doesn't make sense or seems inappropriate shouldn't upset you so very much. (telling her how to feel about your sick requests, Jacoby?) I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If I lose you, I die just as I would had we never met, only quicker. If we embrace each other, I will be blessed with a mortal life most people could only dream of.

I pray about us so many times during the day. I ask God to smile upon us, and to confirm in my heart that what we have is His blessing. My heart and prayers tell me you were brought to me to renew my spirit and give me a second chance at living. That's a big responsibility for you. (using spirituality & religion - one of the predator's LURES!)

I know you could move on without me and be fine. You're still healthy even with your withdrawal symptoms. You're beautiful. You've got friends who buy you thongs and ex's who want you back. If moving on is something YOU want to do - to unburden yourself from me - I will understand. I certainly wouldn't blame you. (Jacoby - the MARTYR MAN)

I’m willing to do everything in my power to keep the best thing that ever happened to me growing. Its only going to get tougher, and if I get sicker I may write even more senseless, tasteless babble. (placing blame on his illness! LOL Sounds like Yidwithlid blaming his ADHD)There may be days when I’m too sick to email at all. There will certainly be many days when technical problems keep us apart. You have your bad days, too. Even with all these obstacles, the thought of our precious first embrace makes all the suffering and struggling seem insignificant.

I love you completely, Victim. I need you if I am to ever live and be happy again. I know for a fact that I would die for you. I would hate to die without you. Every minute that passes knowing things aren't right between us is no different than slowly bleeding to death. I don't want to die. I want to live and spend every waking moment making you happy.

No more silly thoughts. No more mental torture. Just kindness, compassion, and love. The kind only you and I are capable of experiencing.

I’m here if you'll have me. I’m gone forever if we can't love each other and show it.

I love you with every bit of my being. Danny xxxxxxx
_______________

Jacoby wrote:

I'm pretty darn tired of stress. I had much more fun and much less stress talking about loving you up all day and night. (her and all his other online playmates - who think he's for real when he's just having fun at their expense!)

We will cut! Standing still too long is the same as going backwards. Its been a very rough year. Full of medical messes and other stress that has taken its toll. I breezed through the first 40 mgs of my taper. Gotta stay focused.

Victim, dear. You know you mean everything to me. You are the REASON I love, the REASON I breathe, and the REASON I live and fight for my healing. I can't let a single moment pass without thinking of you. There is only you in my heart, and I will never, EVER let you go.

I love you so deeply, TV. Danny xxxxxxx

(Jacoby must have a template of these cyber-love bombs that he just inserts his cyber-flavor of the moment's name into!)

Remember: you can NOT love someone you have not meet in person, let alone someone you haven't spent significant face time with. And NOT TIME IN BED - with them, their friends, your friends, your families - day to day living. Love grows. To the cyberpath LOVE is just a word! A word to manipulate and twist your emotions and give them power over you.

Let's look at Jacoby in the love-bombing context. And see some of what he "gets" out of his target. Remember he'd been guilting her for 'intimate photos'? Let's say now, he's told her he's divorcing, broke and pretty much a 'single parent' with little funds to get anything for Christmas. So guess who comes through for this "poor poor man"? And Jacoby's twisted her head so much - she's programmed to give - give - give.

Here's one of his "set up" emails to fleece her:

Jacoby wrote:

you know you don't have to get me nuthin'. (isn't that code for "BUT I WILL LOVE YOU IF YOU DO!")

i was looking at getting [my child] a printer for Christmas. she asked for one last summer that printed photos and stuff but it was a little pricey. she knows i don't have any money. besides, she will be so busy [while away] i don't think she will miss it. i may order her something so she can have it when she comes home next week. (unless you get it for her First!!)

you need your money. (guilt AGAIN! remember, narcissistic types use a lot of opposite or backward talk to get what they want. ie: DON'T means DO!)

i wish i felt better. the good news is i am finally on the macintosh (that Victim bought for Jacoby!) all the time now. even through the pain i can manage a smile when i use it. (because I'm so pleased with myself that I coerced and fleeced you out of your hard-earned money)

i love you. db xxxxxxx
_____________________


from 12/ 2006
Victim: Are you there, honey?
Dan: i am. not well. you ok?
V: did you get my last note?
D: no honey. been waiting.
V: i wrote over 90 minutes ago
D: i didnt get it sweetheart. can you sent it again.
V: are you chatting to someone? (he sure is!!!)
D: no honey (lie)
V: i re-sent the note
D: thank you honey (like Ed Hicks -- easier to use HONEY than her name)
V: i dunno why you did'nt get the last one
V: maybe my email server is playin' up again
D: im reading it, hun. 1 sec.
V: ok
D: honey you know better
V: better than what?
D: i dont wanna open up any more wounds
D: we got enough
V: i just hate it
D: im sorry hun
D: i do too
D: its hard enough gettin through the days
D: and i love the ocean
V: we went through so much at the hands of those people
D: i listen to it every day
D: yes we did
V: i really resent them for that
D: i do too, hun
D: more than you know
D: i dont like bitter unforgiveing self-centered people (even though he is one -- he's talking about the people who tried to WARN the VICTIM!!)
V: that's why i want no truck with them
D: yes ma'am
D: this is hard for me. i dont see you online.
V: no i did'nt make myself "visible"
D: oh ok
D: i just have a hard time sitting up and typing, though i love my computer (he sure does)
D: and my CK undies (Dan, how did you explain to your wife that you got some woman to send you UNDERWEAR?)
V: did you try em?
D: yes
V: are they a snugfit?
D: snug
V: lol
V: did you listen to all angels, honey?
D: every day, hunny.
V: those kids are only 17
D: Agnus Dei is one of my favorite songs of all time. yes. i read about them on the web.
D: from "Platoon"
D: its lovely
V: i love "the flower duet"
D: me too
V: and "steal away"
V: and i adore "songbird"
D: i love the songbird video
V: yes
V: do theose cd's help you relaxhoney?
D: yes
D: i love the waves so much
V: good
V: i wanted to bring the ocean to you
D: you did
V: you can lay there and imagine you have your feet in the water
D i do
V: good
V: you want me to go?
D: i just have troub;e typing
V: yes
D: but i love you
V: i love you, too
D: you made my christmas
V: i'm glad
D: i have all my toys around me (the ones he scammed from Victim by pleading poverty? or the other online targets he scams & TOYS with?)
D: the next time i get dressed and go out, i'm wearing my jersey.
V: it's the nicest england shirt to date
D: its lovely
V: best design
D: i adore it
V: 3 lions
V: cross of st george
D: its gorgeous
D: and it smells nice
D: smells like your house (how would he know? see how he inserts himself into her REALITY to anchor his presence -- mind control!)
V: does it?
V: what does it smell of?
D: i dunno. does it? potporri
D: sp?
V: prolly me
D: its nice
V: eden
V: cacharel
D: delicious.
V: i folded it all nice
V: with lotsa loving care
D: i could tell
D: i really could
D: it took me hours to open everything
V: lol
V: there wasn't much there
D: ther was
V: i wanted to sed much more
V: send
D: you sent too much
V: i just wanted to bring you some sunshine
D: you always do
V: would you miss me if i was gone?
D: yes
V: that's cuz you're used to me
V: like a pair of comfy old slippers
D: i would like to think so
V: did you taste a little bitta chocolate?
D: just a little
D: the cookies
V: lol
V: you mean the chocolate shortbread?
D: YES!!!
D: awesome
V: at least xxxx will ahve the pleasure
D: she is gonna be thrilled
V: i hope it gets there before she leaves
D: it will get there monday morning
V: good
V: did you tell her
D: yes i did
D: shes thrilled
V: bless her heart
D: shes a happy girl, hun
V: she's in for the experience of a lifetime
D: its gonna change her life
V: it'll bring her closer to God
V: for sure
V: i could smell Jerusalem on my packages
D: she asked me what i wanted for christmas...
D: i said...
D: a prayer from you from galilee on christmas day
V: wonderful
V: you got your spirit very well taken care of
V: i hope you place your mezuzah when you're feeling up to it
D: i need to find a place big enough. the ones ive seen used to be so tiny, but its gorgeous. i opened it and touched the words.
V: i was going to get you a smaller one honey
D: i love this one
V: but they did'nt have smaller sterling silver ones
V: they were the nicest ones
V: the silver i mean
D: this one is perfect
V: i thought maybe it would be a little on the large side
D: its lovely
V: i have the exact same one
D: do ya?
V: yes
V: i bought them for us both
D: i love em
D: i have it righ here
D: right
V: i touch it each time i pass
D: "over", lol
V: lol
V: yeah
V: over
D: my shoulders hurt, honey. thats why its hard to chat versus just typing (besides I got porn babes and other targets waiting!!)
V: okay
V: i'll go
D: i wish u were here
V: i know honey
V: i do too
D: i should rest
V: okay
D: i pray we both sleep well, sweetheart. you know i do.
D: are you there, honey
V: yeah
D: God bless you, sweatheart
D: and keep you safe
V: God bless you, too
D: please have sweet dreams. sweet kisses just for you.
V: sweet dreams
D: Goodnight, TV. i love you more than you think i do. i really do. xxxxxxxxxx
V: i know you do, sweetheart
V: i love you, too
V: sweet kisses, baby
D: sweet kisses xxxxxx

MORE FROM JACOBY SOON!! ...If we all can stomach it!

WARNING (2009) - Jacoby has found his way BACK on to the recovery forums (such as benzobuddies, etc) using a new IP number and false identities (ex: "Nurse Tanya" and "Elwood"). Despite the forum managers saying they have banned him forever - they have not been able to stop this remorseless predator! One forum manager refuses to listen and remove his multiple identities. Beware!

MORE FROM DAN JACOBY - The "Love" Bomber

"... LOVE BOMBING or showing an unusually intense interest in [someone’s] life and activities — is manipulative and deceitful ...particularly one at a vulnerable stage, such attention can be flattering, but [ ]it represents an attempt at mind control. Mind-control techniques such as love-bombing are designed to bypass a person’s intelligence and especially his critical-thinking skills.

When a lonely or hurting (emotionally or physically) person suddenly receives an overwhelming amount of love and acceptance, it is extremely difficult for them to stand back and assess the reasons for this or question something he desperately doesn’t want to have disappear." - Jason Gay, The Boston Phoenix

This is how cyberpaths rope you in and keep you in. As FAST as the attention and "love bombing" starts - it can come to a crashing stop. And the cyberpath will say they "can't control themselves" but they can and do. (Remember gridney/ yidwithlid did this to his Target #1 - and as soon as he was confronted - he stopped and ran away. Total control despite his protestation to the opposite. Leaving Target #1 twisting the wind and trauma bonded to him. On purpose. Because he wanted complete power over her & the relationship. There was nothing equal or loving on his part, about it. )

Notice the commonality of tactics between Jacoby? Gash? Hicks? Beckstead? etc... (see list at right for links to these stories)

By overwhelming you with love talk, attention, gifts, and sometimes sexuality - the cyberpath leaves you breathless, unable to think - you are in a sort of trance then. Very susceptible to suggestion. And then you are in their control.

Remember, the best way of killing someone is when you tell them that you love them because all her/his defenses go down. - Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl

Here's just one of Jacoby's numerous LOVE BOMBS to his victim. He's a piece of work:

From: Jacoby
To: victim
Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2005

I feel hopeless. I am a dead man without you, but I’m dying a slow death every time we hurt each other. You know I want you in my life. You ARE my life. I’m so lovesick it hurts even when I’m smiling. I’m sorry, but unless you didn't give me a thought this morning you must have known I would be devastated finding an empty mailbox in the morning - especially after crying out that I couldn't take much more (of our misunderstandings). (what happened - was she questioning him about his b.s.? LOL)

I love you. More than anyone could possibly love you. If you really believe that, ANYTHING I write that doesn't make sense or seems inappropriate shouldn't upset you so very much. (telling her how to feel about your sick requests, Jacoby?) I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If I lose you, I die just as I would had we never met, only quicker. If we embrace each other, I will be blessed with a mortal life most people could only dream of.

I pray about us so many times during the day. I ask God to smile upon us, and to confirm in my heart that what we have is His blessing. My heart and prayers tell me you were brought to me to renew my spirit and give me a second chance at living. That's a big responsibility for you. (using spirituality & religion - one of the predator's LURES!)

I know you could move on without me and be fine. You're still healthy even with your withdrawal symptoms. You're beautiful. You've got friends who buy you thongs and ex's who want you back. If moving on is something YOU want to do - to unburden yourself from me - I will understand. I certainly wouldn't blame you. (Jacoby - the MARTYR MAN)

I’m willing to do everything in my power to keep the best thing that ever happened to me growing. Its only going to get tougher, and if I get sicker I may write even more senseless, tasteless babble. (placing blame on his illness! LOL Sounds like Yidwithlid blaming his ADHD)There may be days when I’m too sick to email at all. There will certainly be many days when technical problems keep us apart. You have your bad days, too. Even with all these obstacles, the thought of our precious first embrace makes all the suffering and struggling seem insignificant.

I love you completely, Victim. I need you if I am to ever live and be happy again. I know for a fact that I would die for you. I would hate to die without you. Every minute that passes knowing things aren't right between us is no different than slowly bleeding to death. I don't want to die. I want to live and spend every waking moment making you happy.

No more silly thoughts. No more mental torture. Just kindness, compassion, and love. The kind only you and I are capable of experiencing.

I’m here if you'll have me. I’m gone forever if we can't love each other and show it.

I love you with every bit of my being. Danny xxxxxxx
_______________

Jacoby wrote:

I'm pretty darn tired of stress. I had much more fun and much less stress talking about loving you up all day and night. (her and all his other online playmates - who think he's for real when he's just having fun at their expense!)

We will cut! Standing still too long is the same as going backwards. Its been a very rough year. Full of medical messes and other stress that has taken its toll. I breezed through the first 40 mgs of my taper. Gotta stay focused.

Victim, dear. You know you mean everything to me. You are the REASON I love, the REASON I breathe, and the REASON I live and fight for my healing. I can't let a single moment pass without thinking of you. There is only you in my heart, and I will never, EVER let you go.

I love you so deeply, TV. Danny xxxxxxx

(Jacoby must have a template of these cyber-love bombs that he just inserts his cyber-flavor of the moment's name into!)

Remember: you can NOT love someone you have not meet in person, let alone someone you haven't spent significant face time with. And NOT TIME IN BED - with them, their friends, your friends, your families - day to day living. Love grows. To the cyberpath LOVE is just a word! A word to manipulate and twist your emotions and give them power over you.

Let's look at Jacoby in the love-bombing context. And see some of what he "gets" out of his target. Remember he'd been guilting her for 'intimate photos'? Let's say now, he's told her he's divorcing, broke and pretty much a 'single parent' with little funds to get anything for Christmas. So guess who comes through for this "poor poor man"? And Jacoby's twisted her head so much - she's programmed to give - give - give.

Here's one of his "set up" emails to fleece her:

Jacoby wrote:

you know you don't have to get me nuthin'. (isn't that code for "BUT I WILL LOVE YOU IF YOU DO!")

i was looking at getting [my child] a printer for Christmas. she asked for one last summer that printed photos and stuff but it was a little pricey. she knows i don't have any money. besides, she will be so busy [while away] i don't think she will miss it. i may order her something so she can have it when she comes home next week. (unless you get it for her First!!)

you need your money. (guilt AGAIN! remember, narcissistic types use a lot of opposite or backward talk to get what they want. ie: DON'T means DO!)

i wish i felt better. the good news is i am finally on the macintosh (that Victim bought for Jacoby!) all the time now. even through the pain i can manage a smile when i use it. (because I'm so pleased with myself that I coerced and fleeced you out of your hard-earned money)

i love you. db xxxxxxx
_____________________


from 12/ 2006
Victim: Are you there, honey?
Dan: i am. not well. you ok?
V: did you get my last note?
D: no honey. been waiting.
V: i wrote over 90 minutes ago
D: i didnt get it sweetheart. can you sent it again.
V: are you chatting to someone? (he sure is!!!)
D: no honey (lie)
V: i re-sent the note
D: thank you honey (like Ed Hicks -- easier to use HONEY than her name)
V: i dunno why you did'nt get the last one
V: maybe my email server is playin' up again
D: im reading it, hun. 1 sec.
V: ok
D: honey you know better
V: better than what?
D: i dont wanna open up any more wounds
D: we got enough
V: i just hate it
D: im sorry hun
D: i do too
D: its hard enough gettin through the days
D: and i love the ocean
V: we went through so much at the hands of those people
D: i listen to it every day
D: yes we did
V: i really resent them for that
D: i do too, hun
D: more than you know
D: i dont like bitter unforgiveing self-centered people (even though he is one -- he's talking about the people who tried to WARN the VICTIM!!)
V: that's why i want no truck with them
D: yes ma'am
D: this is hard for me. i dont see you online.
V: no i did'nt make myself "visible"
D: oh ok
D: i just have a hard time sitting up and typing, though i love my computer (he sure does)
D: and my CK undies (Dan, how did you explain to your wife that you got some woman to send you UNDERWEAR?)
V: did you try em?
D: yes
V: are they a snugfit?
D: snug
V: lol
V: did you listen to all angels, honey?
D: every day, hunny.
V: those kids are only 17
D: Agnus Dei is one of my favorite songs of all time. yes. i read about them on the web.
D: from "Platoon"
D: its lovely
V: i love "the flower duet"
D: me too
V: and "steal away"
V: and i adore "songbird"
D: i love the songbird video
V: yes
V: do theose cd's help you relaxhoney?
D: yes
D: i love the waves so much
V: good
V: i wanted to bring the ocean to you
D: you did
V: you can lay there and imagine you have your feet in the water
D i do
V: good
V: you want me to go?
D: i just have troub;e typing
V: yes
D: but i love you
V: i love you, too
D: you made my christmas
V: i'm glad
D: i have all my toys around me (the ones he scammed from Victim by pleading poverty? or the other online targets he scams & TOYS with?)
D: the next time i get dressed and go out, i'm wearing my jersey.
V: it's the nicest england shirt to date
D: its lovely
V: best design
D: i adore it
V: 3 lions
V: cross of st george
D: its gorgeous
D: and it smells nice
D: smells like your house (how would he know? see how he inserts himself into her REALITY to anchor his presence -- mind control!)
V: does it?
V: what does it smell of?
D: i dunno. does it? potporri
D: sp?
V: prolly me
D: its nice
V: eden
V: cacharel
D: delicious.
V: i folded it all nice
V: with lotsa loving care
D: i could tell
D: i really could
D: it took me hours to open everything
V: lol
V: there wasn't much there
D: ther was
V: i wanted to sed much more
V: send
D: you sent too much
V: i just wanted to bring you some sunshine
D: you always do
V: would you miss me if i was gone?
D: yes
V: that's cuz you're used to me
V: like a pair of comfy old slippers
D: i would like to think so
V: did you taste a little bitta chocolate?
D: just a little
D: the cookies
V: lol
V: you mean the chocolate shortbread?
D: YES!!!
D: awesome
V: at least xxxx will ahve the pleasure
D: she is gonna be thrilled
V: i hope it gets there before she leaves
D: it will get there monday morning
V: good
V: did you tell her
D: yes i did
D: shes thrilled
V: bless her heart
D: shes a happy girl, hun
V: she's in for the experience of a lifetime
D: its gonna change her life
V: it'll bring her closer to God
V: for sure
V: i could smell Jerusalem on my packages
D: she asked me what i wanted for christmas...
D: i said...
D: a prayer from you from galilee on christmas day
V: wonderful
V: you got your spirit very well taken care of
V: i hope you place your mezuzah when you're feeling up to it
D: i need to find a place big enough. the ones ive seen used to be so tiny, but its gorgeous. i opened it and touched the words.
V: i was going to get you a smaller one honey
D: i love this one
V: but they did'nt have smaller sterling silver ones
V: they were the nicest ones
V: the silver i mean
D: this one is perfect
V: i thought maybe it would be a little on the large side
D: its lovely
V: i have the exact same one
D: do ya?
V: yes
V: i bought them for us both
D: i love em
D: i have it righ here
D: right
V: i touch it each time i pass
D: "over", lol
V: lol
V: yeah
V: over
D: my shoulders hurt, honey. thats why its hard to chat versus just typing (besides I got porn babes and other targets waiting!!)
V: okay
V: i'll go
D: i wish u were here
V: i know honey
V: i do too
D: i should rest
V: okay
D: i pray we both sleep well, sweetheart. you know i do.
D: are you there, honey
V: yeah
D: God bless you, sweatheart
D: and keep you safe
V: God bless you, too
D: please have sweet dreams. sweet kisses just for you.
V: sweet dreams
D: Goodnight, TV. i love you more than you think i do. i really do. xxxxxxxxxx
V: i know you do, sweetheart
V: i love you, too
V: sweet kisses, baby
D: sweet kisses xxxxxx

MORE FROM JACOBY SOON!! ...If we all can stomach it!

WARNING (2009) - Jacoby has found his way BACK on to the recovery forums (such as benzobuddies, etc) using a new IP number and false identities (ex: "Nurse Tanya" and "Elwood"). Despite the forum managers saying they have banned him forever - they have not been able to stop this remorseless predator! One forum manager refuses to listen and remove his multiple identities. Beware!