How Psychopaths View Their World

Most psychopaths are very arrogant and cocky. However, when charming a potential victim, they say all the "right" things and make you believe they are kind-hearted souls; not always, but often enough. The truth is, psychopaths are not altruistic and do not really care about friendships or ties. Guggenbuhl-Craig states that they are very talented at appearing much more humble than the average person, but are hardly so. Some are also able to feign concern about the lower classes and profess that they are on the side of the underdog, the poor, and so forth.


A psychopath may claim, for instance (if he's from a low socio-economic class), that he dislikes rich people intensely, but at the same time, he will inwardly yearn and envy what they have. He is like the narcissist, desiring to reflect a false image of himself through his possessions. Among his possessions are included human beings: girlfriends, wives, and children. Some psychopaths can even very fond of animals (contrary to the common viewpoint), but still view them as objects in relation to themselves.

The psychopath is filled with greed inside, relating to the world through power, even though, as I said, on the outside he can claim to be on the side of the disenfranchised or the downtrodden. I knew one who liked to repeat phrases such as "they have to stop keeping my brothers down" but he didn't mean a word of it. He was actually a racist. The psychopath can also often identify himself as a revolutionary.

On the flip side, the psychopath also often paints a picture of himself as the downcast anti-hero (his "own worst enemy type") and some like to see themselves as lone-wolves. The psychopath may even claim he is sensitive and profound, but inside he is nothing but emptiness and greed. Whether or not the psychopath is aware of his behaviour is something that is often debated. I do believe that psychopaths usually know exactly what they are doing, although others suggest that psychopaths are "born, not made." [1]

As mentioned, psychopaths often claim to settle for second best (being their own worst enemy) and then think they deserve better. This may be manifested in the way they seek power -- either through money (i.e. material goods), manipulation and/or treating people as objects. By enacting such behaviours, the psychopath is also trying to "get back" at society and the world, in order to gain retribution. They will spend their entire lives doing this, whether they are rich or poor, or whatever their social background may be, although studies have shown that they often come from an impoverished or lower socio- economic background and/or social status. (In one of Dr. Donald Black's studies, many of the men were "overwhelmingly white, blue collar, lower middle class, and married, and most had not graduated from high school." [Black, 14]). (Let me add, despite Dr. Blacks' studies, psychopaths can still exist in any social class. Do not be misled).

I also wanted to point out that I will be using "he" and "him" for the term psychopath throughout this website; let it not be forgotten, yes, female psychopaths exist as well; however, according to the Sixth Edition of Abnormal Behavior, printed in 2000 by three male professors, David, Derald, and Stanley Sue, the rates do differ by gender. Included in their excellent text is a report by the The American Psychiatric Association that the general estimate is 3% for men, and less than 1% in women [Personality Disorders and Impulse Control Disorders, 238].

What is very disturbing about psychopaths, besides their sense of special entitlement, is the complete lack of empathy for normal people, for "antisocials (psychopaths) seem to lack a conscience, feeling little or no empathy for the people whose lives they touch...the antisocial effortlessly resists all regulation, unable to see beyond his self-interest or to adopt standards of right versus wrong." [Black, XIII].

Not all psychopath are uneducated low-class misfits. Some of them are quite handsome and have good careers, and use this all the more to their benefit. Take a look at Ted Bundy; my friend's mother once went on a double-date with him and claimed he was the nicest person. His mother said he was the "best son any mother could have." Bundy was also apparently quite good-looking, which made him even more dangerous. So not all psychopaths are derelict, low-class, high school drop-outs, there are many who also work in professional occupations.

Also, not all psychopaths are calm, cool, and collected. Some of them appear strange or odd, and their behaviour can be eccentric or unusual. I believe this is what can confuse victims most often. Psychopaths often appear [see pictures here]: intense and "electrifying". Do not be misled if someone appears harmless, "foolish", or seems offbeat. An "angelic" visage can also often fool people. Just picture John Wayne Gacy in his "clown costume" as he entertained children as one example.

A psychopath (he was diagnosed anti-social) I knew used the harmless cover-up quite well. Everyone thought he was very funny. I did too, at first. Then, little by little, I realised there was something "not right" about him. At first his seemingly harmless pranks were charming, but after a while, he became more of a nuisance and disrupted our work environment, which created havoc and tension between employees. I've learned, a psychopath can use these disguises for his own hidden purpose.

Regardless of race, social class, or occupation, however, the psychopath is dangerous to society, for "the nature of ASP (psychopathy) implies that it wreaks more havoc on society than most other mental illnesses do, since the disorder primarily involves reactions against the social environment that drag other people into its destructive web...The despair and anxiety wrought by antisocials (psychopaths) tragically affects families and communities, leaving deep physical and emotional scars..." [Black, 5].

There is much to the psychopathic personality which is baffling and disturbing. 1 in about 25-30 people are psychopathic (also known as sociopaths or anti-social -- the correct title being psychopath.) Since the majority or them are men, I wrote this site in part, to warn women about the dangers, especially women online, which I believe is a favourite "new medium" which appeals to psychopaths. I have personal experience with this subject as well. This is because "antisocials (psychopaths) are not just characters in our fictional or true-life entertainments. They are family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, or strangers we may encounter every day." [Black, 10].

Pamela Jayne, M.A., writes that "30% of men are sociopathic." If about every three out of ten men I may meet are psychopathic, I would assume this is not something to take lightly. According to these statistics, that would mean every three out of ten men and maybe every one out of ten females. The truth is, we do not really know exactly how many individuals are psychopathic; however, there seems to be a rise in the prevalence of psychopathy and that is why some claim that numbers are higher. Dr. Black claims that psychopathy leads right behind depression, along with schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder, which is an astounding fact.

SOME OF THE INNER WORKINGS OF A CYBERPATH

(extrapolated from the work of Lundy Bancroft)
- The cyberpath is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision making (such as saying "it's over" and blocking the victim or saying "I will not read anything more she writes or listen to anything more she says"... mostly because the victim is telling the truth!)

- he may make rules for the victim about her movements and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to contact or to see certain friends online or off. He also forbids his friends and family from contacting you by painting a very negative picture of you to them.

- he is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his
abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, he changes times & dates to cover himself, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so

- his public image usually contrasts sharply with the online reality (friends & family are clueless to the image he present to his targets/ victims)

- he is entitled; he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other family members, friends or you

- he believes that his needs should be at the center of the target's agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy

- he typically believes that it is his sole prerogative to determine when and how sexual relations will take place, and denies his partner the right to refuse or to initiate sex/ cybersex

- he usually believes that work should be done for him, and that any contributions he makes to those efforts should earn him special appreciation and deference

- he is highly and often subtly demanding

- he is disrespectful; he considers his targets less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object (because in his mind, she is "just an object")

- he communicates his sense of superiority in various ways

- after a break-up or negative event with the target, the cyberpath sometimes becomes quickly involved with a new partner whom he treats relatively well for a long period of time
- cyberpaths are not out of control, and therefore can be on "good" behavior for extended periods of time - even a few years - if they consider it in their best interest to do so

- the new target may insist, based on her experience with him, that the man is wonderful to her, and that any problems reported from the previous relationship must have been fabricated, or must result from bad relationship dynamics for which the cyberpath and a former target are mutually responsible. The cyberpath can thus use his new partner to create the impression that he is not a risk.

When caught:
- Cyberpaths increasingly use a tactic I call "preemptive strike," where he accuses the target of doing all the things that he has done. (projection)

- he will call his target a "predator too!"

- he was scour the net, her friends, etc for every little tidbit of information - spinning it into a damning web and making it look as if she had done something horrible by stringing together "facts"; this includes going after the target's family, friends, children, coworkers and so on

- he will say things like: "it was just fooling around, nothing serious", "it was all a game", "everyone does it" and "THE TARGET DID IT TOO AND KNEW WHAT THEY WERE GETTING INTO" (this last statement is a blatant lie believed only by the cyberpath & their 'buddies')

- he will say that his victim(s) was harassing him and his friends/family, that she was extremely "controlling" (adopting the language of domestic violence experts; even calling the victim a 'predator, psychopath, cyberpath' and so on), that she's a 'terrorist' or a 'scorned woman' and that she was unfaithful and also at fault. He will accuse her of being a cheater or a sex addict or a harasser herself

- he may go to law enforcement and try to take out protective order against the target or 'report' the target, manipulating everything with 'selective' or 'doctored' information to make it look as if she is the aggressor or abuser

- The cyberpath does the opposite of what they should, according to the situation. They will sometimes use all these concocted lies to cease communication with the traumatized target, never make amends or truly apologize and take any measures they feel necessary to silence their victims so they can target more unsuspecting targets.

- Or if the target tells the cyberpath to 'leave them / and their family alone' the cyberpath will become relentless in harassing their victims, online & off and trying to "tell their truth" (lies & spin) about the situation in a fit of narcissistic rage.

(We have used the male gender, your cyberpath may well be female - EOPC)

"Find Your Perfect NIGHTMARE Online"

"Find Your Perfect Date at Match.com", reads this online dating service's current banner ad. "Find a Nightmare", reads the banner ad attached to the inside of my skull. Because online dating, at least in my experience, is one of the unfunniest jokes around.

What am I ranting about? Well, the six months that I spent on Match.com, and the 120 dollars I coughed up were complete wastes of time and money.

I first joined Match.com because it seemed to have the biggest database, and its friendly, photo-driven database let me actually look at the people I was sending e-mail to. Unfortunately, the database underwent a complete restructuring shortly after I joined, destoying several evening's worth of work creating an an earnest, heartfelt personal profile. So I had to painstakingly re-enter all this information.

After re-building my personal information, reconstructing my personal search criteria, and uploading a new picture of myself, I waited patiently for some incoming e-mail to arrive. After two weeks had gone by, with nary a response, I went on the offensive, and started to actively search for women matching my criteria (heavy-smoking divorced caucasion atheists).

I quickly found that there were forty-one of these people within a 50 mile radius of my location. Because I don't believe that love is blind, I narrowed my search criteria to the twenty-five who had actually uploaded pictures of themselves, and immediately screened out another seven for being butt-ugly. That left me with eighteen, so I composed one heartfelt, sincere, earnest e-mail, and sent the same message to the group using a "blind copy BCC".
Five women of the eighteen replied, and over the next several weeks, I began trading e-mails with three of them. Here is a brief summary of the resulting encounters.

Date 1: A Candle-Lit Dinner
J*** seemed to have everything going for her. A cute face, a paying job at a prominent New York film institute, a wry way of expressing herself in e-mail, and realistic expectations about the prospects of meeting Mr. Right through an online dating service. She wrote: "I really don't think we'll know if there's a real connection between us until we actually sit down together and make eye contact". She suggested we meet at an intimate Italian restaurant near her workplace on the West Side, and I hung out at the bar until she showed up.

I remember sitting there with a Diet Coke, with my back to the entrance and my mind swirling with fantasies about what we'd talk about - the arts, Giuliani, the Yankees - whatever seemed most conducive to romance. But then, my reverie was broken when an extremely large woman tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around, and it was J*** - about 80 pounds heavier than her picture had indicated. I could hardly even see her eyes peering out from within the folds of fat, much less make contact with them.

Because I consider myself a gentleman, I bought her dinner (Lasagna), and talked exclusively about Giuliani, which seemed to please her to no end. But as soon as I could dump her in the subway, I ran screaming back to the East side, and never sent her e-mail again.
Date 2: Romantic Phone Sex
With the J*** experience safely behind me, I began to more carefully analyze the pictures that my six "hot" prospects had uploaded of themselves, to look for obvious signs of retouching or Loch Ness monster-style fakery. Using software originally developed by the CIA Global Maps Division, I began blowing up and enhancing some of these grainy JPEGs, and sure enough, several contained dead giveways that they were taken many years ago, when the subject was in much better (or at least much younger) shape. These background clues included biplanes flying in the distance, cars with tailfins, and an old Nixon: Now More Than Ever poster.

I was left with two prospects whose pictures seemed honest. One was an exotic belly-dancer, and I had made all the arrangements to meet her when she requested that we talk on the phone first.

There was scratchy Middle Eastern music playing in the background when I called, and what seemed to be a couple of hungry kids screaming. This is in itself wasn't a turnoff - in fact it was almost a turn-on. But when this poor woman began talking, I knew that there was no way on earth that we could ever communicate earnestly and heartfeltly about anything, at least in any extant language. She sounded like just like Brezhnev did after a hard night of drinking, so I told her I was feeling ill (which I was), and I moved our date into the far-distant future (2006).
Date 3: Sexy E-Mail
Older, wiser, but still horny as hell, I was now down to just one prospect, so I sent her another piece of earnest e-mail. By this time, I was becoming increasingly desperate to meet someone under 800 lbs. who actually spoke the English language, but I was also getting gunshy.

So I began asking a few personal questions about her - what kind of food she liked eating, whether she liked music from the Middle East, or had a thing for vodka - innocuous things like that. I had become accustomed to this kind of probing behavior - (one of my correspondents had actually asked for my Social Security Number, and I stupidly complied, and of course never heard from her again).

To this day, I don't think I was being overly intrusive, but my correspondent clearly thought differently. Maybe she got my e-mail at the end of a long day, or her real boyfriend had dumped her - I'll never know. But here's the reply I got back after sending her a simple "request for clarification of one of your earlier points" message:

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU. DO YOU WANT TO MEET ME OR NOT? ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE AMBIVALENT SONS OF B*TCHES WHO CANT MAKE UP THEIR MIND - ARE YOU SRIOUS ABOUT MEETING ME OR JUST WANT TO TORTURE ME AND F*CK WITH MY HEAD? DON'T BOTHER REPONDING - IM UP TO HERE WTH YOUR DUMB QUESTIONS. N**
Epilogue:
I cancelled my Match.com subscription, spent the money I saved on two reasonably good subscription porn services, and tried to forget the whole thing. But I can't really forget, because every day, I receive junk mail about some wretched new Match.com event - a wine tasting, or a boat cruise, or a getaway weekend.

Someday, I'm sure I'll meet someone, and maybe, God willing, we'll wind up having grandchildren together. But I'm 100% sure that I'd be better off taking my chances with a random, in-your-face encounter than by flying blind in a world of illusion. And I'll certainly never date online again, until such time as they can screen out the imposters, the losers, the psychos, and the women who sound like Brezhnev.

I actually do know people who have met compatible mates online, but I believe these success stories are vastly outnumbered by the number of empty, unhappy, soul-searing experiences that nobody publicizes - the victims are too ashamed, and the service doesn't want to know either. Match.com and its brethren are, in my opinion, seamy lonely-hearts clubs where deception, trickery, and paranoia run rampant, scarring the gullible and the guileless.

But then again, I guess I'm one of those "ambivalent sons-of-b*tches who can't make up their mind" - at least about throwing myself blindly into the arms of these cyber-weirdos.

ORIGINAL POST HERE

THE AFTERMATH: PTSD

The Aftermath of Trauma:
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Far too many of the victims we speak to start out saying "I'm strong, I can handle it." We don't buy it. We get emails months later saying the victim(s) can't eat, sleep or are obsessed with what happened. We recommend all our victims get help from someone who understands this sort of trauma.

(VERY VERY few doctors or counselors "get it" about pathological relationships... even if they say they do)

Most of us build our lives around the belief that we will be relatively safe. Granted, normal daily life involves many stressors, especially in these hectic times, but we expect these pressures to happen and we become accustomed to handling them. The more flexible we are and the more we know ourselves and are in touch with our abilities, the easier it is to deal with normal everyday stress.

Sometimes, however, any of us could be subjected to catastrophic stress. Our feeling of safety in these circumstances can vanish. We could experience terror and a complete inability to know how to handle these situations that are outside of the ordinary realm of experience. These catastrophic events can include physical or sexual abuse, physical attack, mugging, car-jacking, being used, "taken" or emotionally raped or the sudden death of a loved one. It is not only the victims of these events, but also witnesses, families of victims, and helping professionals who can develop severe stress symptoms which can last for months or even years after the event.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the term used to characterize people who have endured highly stressful and frightening experiences and who are undergoing distress caused by memories of that event. It is as if the person just cannot let go of the experience. The event comes back to haunt them. The anxiety experienced during or immediately after a catastrophic event is called traumatic stress. When the symptoms last several months after the event, it is called post-traumatic stress. PTSD can last for years after the original trauma and may not become evident initially. For example, an individual may witness a murder as a child, but not experience the associated stress until mid-life.

Some people are more likely to develop PTSD than others. Experts are not sure why some people develop PTSD after a relatively minor trauma while others exposed to great trauma do not.

Trauma of great severity is more likely to produce PTSD than lesser traumas. For example, it was found with Vietnam War veterans that prolonged combat with sniping and air bombardment produced PTSD more often than brief exposure to combat with few weapons. It has also been found that traumas between people (such as sexual assault and muggings) are more likely to produce PTSD than natural disasters like earthquakes or floods.

Symptoms of PTSD
People can be considered to have PTSD when they have been exposed to an extreme trauma, the symptoms last at least a month in duration, and the symptoms cause excessive distress so that social functioning and job performance are impaired. One sign of PTSD is that the traumatic event is relived repeatedly in the person s mind and this appears in the form of flashbacks, recurrent images, thoughts or dreams about the events, panic attacks...and even nightmares.

Reminders of the event can cause distress so many people go out of their way to avoid places and events that remind them of the catastrophic occurrence. Many people experience anxiety, restlessness, concentration difficulties, decreased memory, irritability, sleeplessness, hypervigilance, or an exaggerated startle response.

Some people even experience what is called survivors guilt because they survived and others did not or because of certain things they may have had to do in order to survive. (Or feel guilty they were "so stupid" and didn't see the red cyberpathy flags)

There are three main clusters of PTSD symptoms, and all three of these groupings must be present for a diagnosis of PTSD.

Intrusive Symptoms: Intrusive and repetitive memories which stir up negative feelings experienced during the trauma can overwhelm a person. These memories can appear in the form of:

* flashbacks (a feeling of reliving the trauma)

* frequent, distressing memories of the trauma

* nightmares

* emotional and physical distress when traumatic memories are triggered.

Arousal Symptoms: PTSD sufferers experience physiological reactions, which indicate that they don t feel safe and they are physically on the alert to deal with danger. These can include:

* being easily startled or feeling jumpy
* hypervigilance (feeling on guard even when the situation is safe)
* concentration difficulties

* sexual numbness or hyperarousal
* outbursts of anger and irritability
* problems in falling asleep or staying asleep.

Avoidance Symptoms: People suffering from PTSD go out of their way to escape the overpowering memories and arousal symptoms. This pattern of behavior can include:

* avoiding places, people or (online) situations that serve as reminders of the trauma
* avoiding thoughts or feelings associated with the trauma
* memory loss about some aspects of the traumatic event
* feeling emotionally numb
* feeling estranged or detached from other people
* feelings of hopelessness and helplessness about the future
* decreased interest in pleasurable activities.

There are other emotional and physical problems that may accompany PTSD. Unfortunately, some people seek relief from these symptoms without dealing with the root cause so that the symptoms persist. (this can include: having drinks to 'relax,' chain smoking, pacing, obsessive or repetitive behaviors, etc) These problems may precede PTSD, in which case they become exacerbated, or they might develop after the onset of PTSD.

The emotional problems include panic disorder, agoraphobia (fear of being out in public), social anxiety (speaking in public), depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, sleep disorders, suicidal thoughts and substance abuse (drugs such as sleeping pills or relaxants or alcohol abuse).

The physical problems can include skin problems, pain, gastrointestinal disorders, fatigue, respiratory problems, low back pain, muscle cramps, headaches, adrenal fatigue, cortisol insufficiency and cardiovascular problems. Some go on to develop autoimmune illnesses such as CFIDS, chronic myofascial pain, fibromyalgia, lupus, M.S. and so on.

It is important to remember that PTSD is a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. There is no shame in experiencing these symptoms, nor is having these symptoms a sign of weakness. Help is available from trained professionals so that in most cases, with the appropriate effort and courage, the symptoms can disappear completely, or at least substantially decrease and become more manageable.

Getting Help for PTSD
We live in a world of relative safety most of the time but it is a world in which people often lack support for dealing with calamities. In these times we may not have the extended families, long-term friendships, sense of neighborhood, feeling of community or the support from religion that have historically helped people endure times of crisis. We usually get along without difficulty as long as things go smoothly. But when a crisis occurs, we sometimes simply do not know what to do or where to turn.

Traumatic events can leave us stranded. We may lack not only social support when a crisis occurs, but also the language for understanding the place of tragedy in our lives. We may not know how to conceptualize it how to use words that can describe a disaster and make it real. We may not know how to react emotionally when crisis comes into our lives these are feelings that we may have never experienced before and they may frighten us. So we refuse to accept the crisis or to deal with it. We think we are strong and able to endure anything.

Denial comes easily. Refusing or not knowing how to deal with the thoughts and feelings that accompany a major catastrophe, unfortunately, sets us up for PTSD. And it is not our fault.

PTSD is highly treatable, especially if it is caught early. The idea behind the treatment is to process or work through the traumatic event, as well as to manage the immediate troublesome symptoms the person is experiencing. A trained therapist can help the PTSD sufferer to find the words, in a safe and gentle way, to talk about the event and to confront the feelings that accompany the experience. This is not an easy step, but it is a necessary one. While it might seem natural to avoid reliving a painful memory, it is important to face the memories, feel the emotions and try to work through them. When this happens, the trauma no longer controls the person the person is now in control of the memory of the trauma to the extent that he or she can approach it objectively and flexibly.

A person who has survived a traumatic event will probably never feel as if the event never happened, but the distressing and disruptive effects of PTSD can be alleviated. In therapy, a person can learn to describe a coherent account of his or her life. People who are able to do this are much less susceptible to the effects of trauma. Therapists use a number of techniques to help a person work through traumatic events, some involving talking and some involving more physical interventions. Sometimes medication can help to lessen the anxiety, depression and sleep difficulties, as well as the physical symptoms, which go along with PTSD.

DO NOT let anyone tell you medication is a BAD THING! Trauma changes the brain!

The old way of thinking was that the strongest people were those who could hold in their emotions and face tragedy stoically.

Unfortunately, this is precisely the pattern which leads to PTSD.

Real strength comes from knowing oneself and expressing that sense of self in the world with openness, honesty, integrity and courage.

Some PTSD Statistics
Most people who are exposed to extreme stress are able to process their way through their reactions and never develop PTSD.

* It has been estimated that 70 percent of people will be exposed to a traumatic event in their lifetime.

* Of those people, 20 percent will go on to develop PTSD.

* At any given time, an estimated 5 percent of people have PTSD.

* Approximately 8 percent of the population will develop PTSD during their lifetime.

* Women are about twice as likely to develop PTSD as men, mostly because women are more susceptible to experience interpersonal violence, including rape, exploitation and physical beatings.

* Victims of domestic violence and childhood abuse are at tremendous risk for PTSD.

Do You Have PTSD?
Do you have any of the following problems? If you check at least seven of the following items and it is after you have experienced a catastrophic event, it is advisable to have a professional consultation to determine if therapy for PTSD is indicated.

____ 1. I have strong physical sensations (e.g., sweating, rapid heart beat) when I think about the event. or person.

____ 2. I try to avoid having upsetting thoughts or having contact with things or places associated with the event.

____ 3. My feelings are numb and I have difficulty experiencing normal pleasure and happiness.

____ 4. I am always watchful to make sure I don't experience the same event again.

____ 5. I have feelings of guilt associated with the traumatic event.

____ 6. I have the feeling of being unreal or that the world is unreal.

____ 7. I feel alienated or isolated from others.

____ 8. I get irritated or angry a lot.

____ 9. I have flashbacks of the event (feeling like the past event is happening all over again in the present).

____ 10. I have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep because memories of the event come into my mind.

____ 11. I have memory difficulties and trouble concentrating these days.

____ 12. I am easily startled when I hear a loud noise or when danger seems imminent.

____ 13. I have been relying increasingly on alcohol or drugs (or cigarettes) to get through the day.

You never have to go through this alone. Know that there is help for you!

SYMPTOMS OF ONLINE BRAINWASHING

The process of brainwashing (or 'grooming') their victims is one consistently reported by those who have dealt with a cyberpath. Here's some of the cyberpath's process:

THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING (MIND CONTROL)

1. The cyberpath keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your cyberpath might make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them. They will always leave you on the edge of your seat about what their next move or even when your next contact will be. (usually on their terms, not yours)

2. The cyberpath controls the victim's time and online environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons/friends/net buddies except the cyberpath.

Your cyberpath might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. Your chats may have moved to a more "private" or one on one forum and they insist you NOT tell others about you & them or include anyone else in your chats. If you do, be suspicious the cyberpath might be working on THEM behind your back as well. You may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

3. The cyberpath creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency. Usually by providing unparalleled attention, support and understanding in the beginning and then SLOWLY over time withdrawing it and systematically replacing it with their real 'agenda.'

Verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

4. The cyberpath works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

The online predator trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself. They make you feel that everything you do, say or think - revolves around the cyberpath. (i.e. less talking & real communication - more cybersex, doing things for them, in person sexual encounters, money loans, etc)

5. The cyberpath puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

In other words -- What he says, goes.

(We have used the male gender - your cyberpath may well be female.)

E-Stalkers On the Prowl

by Rizanuzzaman Laskar

While conventional stalking has received much attention lately, harassment through mobile phones and the internet has grown to be a silent epidemic in the last few years.

The Daily Star has recently interviewed 30 women at random about the issue, and found every one of them has been harassed electronically by ex-boyfriends or strangers.

"It is sexual harassment of the new millennium," said Sultana Kamal, rights activist and former adviser to the caretaker government. “And almost all the victims are women."

Kamal said the anonymity of the electronic communication devices makes it more likely for a person to indulge in stalking. “Some people are turning to these tools to do and say things they otherwise would not do.

The women interviewed were middle and upper class professionals, students and a housewife.

One was a schoolgirl who spent sleepless nights because of crank calls; another was an industrialist's daughter who stumbled across obscene pictures and her personal details on a Facebook profile someone else had opened in her name.

Naima Hossain, a college student, was taunted and teased over the phone for a week by a person she had never met. The stalker, who asked her out several times, threatened to throw acid on her face for refusal.

"That they [stalkers] do not have a face makes it even more traumatic for the victims," said Shamim F Karim, a psychology professor at Dhaka University.

Getting stalked by someone the victim knows can be no less unnerving.

Shamrin Afia Adiba, a BBA student, knew her stalker. For three years, she got taunting phone calls almost every hour.

About the nightmare she had gone through, she said it felt like her life was being slowly poisoned.

The stalker, a jilted male friend working at a telecom operator, used her cellphone number to track her location in real time. He let her know he was watching her, and threatened several times to kidnap her.

Switching to a different operator did not help, as he managed to trace Shamrin's new number through a friend working there.

While no statistics are available to confirm the number of electronic stalking victims, social experts point out that almost every woman using a mobile phone or the internet has suffered abuse at one time or another.

From January to July this year, 44 women reported harassment to the cyber crime prevention cell of the police's detective branch. In response, the police have blocked 46 SIM cards.

The law enforcers however admit that blocking SIM is not enough, as most people own multiple numbers, and a new subscription is only some cash away.

They said the existing laws appear toothless when it comes to fighting e-stalking, as some of them are more than a hundred years old.

Mustafizur Rahman, officer-in-charge of the New Market Police Station, said, "The laws require us to know the stalker's identity to take action against him. This is a major problem since in many cases the perpetrator remains unidentified."

Supreme Court lawyer Nina Goswami, director (mediation) at Ain O Salish Kendra, the rights group which has received two cyber-stalking cases this year, stresses the need for a law against cyber crimes.

"It is difficult to take action against the stalkers as there is no specific law,'' said the lawyer, herself a victim of mobile phone harassment.

A proposed act to curb cellphone-related crimes and harassment promises some respite. The draft law defines stalking, both physical and digital, as sexual harassment, and prescribes punishment.

Experts, however, fear the new law may prove ineffective, as most of the stalking incidents tend to go unreported.

Arifa Hossain says she perhaps knows why victims are reluctant to complain to the police. She went to the local police station to report abusive phone calls but thought better of it.

"You won't expect much from the cops once you see how they fumble with the mouse and eye the computer as if it's an alien thing."

A police representative admitted there is a lack of tech-savvy officers needed to hunt down high-tech criminals. He said this is a reason why the detective branch's cyber crime cell, set up in 2008, exists in name only.

Exceptional cases, however, receive special attention from the police. When a youth posted offensive materials on Facebook to taunt politicians in May, he was arrested within days and the whole social networking website was banned for a week.

"Banning an entire website is out of the question. But there should be some sort of a law or policy to safeguard our young women," said Dr Muhammad Zafar Iqbal, a professor at Shahjalal University of Science and Technology.

Experts believe fear of social stigma is another reason why victims are loath to file complaints with the police.

"Forget police, women do not tell anyone about being harassed for fear of being stigmatised," said Shamim F Karim, psychology teacher at DU. "Women, especially those in the city, have become somewhat accustomed to harassment in everyday life."

She suggested that anyone experiencing harassment over the phone or the internet should inform her family members immediately. "The family members can go to the police if necessary."

She noted that some young women, who are actually unaware that they are being subjected to a form of sexual harassment, try to laugh off the matter.

Some do not.

Trisa Gloria Rodriguez, for one, has been receiving irritating phone calls for some time. The stalker calls from different numbers and makes loud smooching noises.

She tried to reason with him, but it did not work. Yelling did not bring result either.

"Disgusting. I feel like kicking him,” says an irate Trisa

original article here

THE CYBERPATH

Exploitation is easier to accomplish on-line. The level of exploitation is all over the place. Clearly the most dangerous are the Cyberpaths. These sociopaths, psychopaths -- unwholesome, psychologically scattered individuals -- can exploit you in truly damaging ways.



Despite common belief, a cyberpath is not always very easily identified, especially since you cannot see the person "in person." The more clever, the more intelligent the cyberpath is, the more you will not become aware of what you are dealing with, until it is too late.



What he (the psychopath) gets he spoils and wastes...



A psychopath, in this instance, the cyberpath (a sociopath with internet access), is merely looking for a way to fill in his time with empty exploits. They are highly narcissistic, and the internet provides fodder for them. I have known various cyberpaths, and they move from victim to victim, seeking people to feed their endless need for narcissism. When you've found them out, or they tire of you, they move on to the next victim, or target for narcissistic supply.



Dominance and power are recurring themes in the social relations of psychopaths.





Dominance, power, and having followers are very important to the cyberpath's need for total adulation and control. Cyberpaths absolutely bask in adulation, many using pity, in a most conniving way, to get the attention that they need. Sometimes the way a cyberpath asserts his control is done subtly. Typical of their underlying Destructive Narcissistic Pattern.



This psychopath often plays jokes and tricks on others to humiliate them or to assert dominance.

Sadly, many are mistaken about the typical cyberpath. A cyberpath is not always looking for money or sex, quite often, he or she is merely interested in taking you along for a ride. I also do not believe that psychopaths/cyberpaths always know that they are hurting you. A psychopath behaves the same way with everyone. Most of them take pleasure merely in playing the rouse, and not much else. A psychopath has no interest in your inner emotional state because they themselves have no empathy. They merely enjoy "pulling one over" on people.



And to put rest to another common myth, very few psychopaths are stalkers, because they have no true emotional connections to anybody. They simply move on to another person who piques their interests. A psychopath cannot truly love and therefore cannot become obsessed with another individual. They are too egocentric, narcissistic, and lack emotional connection to any other human being.







The central theme of the Don Juan's (the psychopaths's) seductions is not even the sexual enjoyment, but playing the trick... While he gives no real love, though he is quite capable of inspiring love of sometimes fanatical degree in others...



Again, this quote from Gordon Bank's work, "Don Juan as Psychopath," reveals that the cyberpath is mostly interested in playing tricks with his prey, almost in a playful way. To the cyberpath, such things are not really big deal, while for the victim, however, it becomes a rather big issue indeed.



Many of the victims of cyberpaths enter therapy as a result of this. Many victims believe themselves to be flawed after an experience with a cyberpath. Some of them are harassed by the family and friends of the cyberpath, which makes matters worse.



He is motivated primarily by the need to dominate and humiliate either the person he is 'taking' or, very often someone connected to a person with whom he is involved.





Cyberpaths relish in another's humiliation, which may appear to us as a certain, perverse quality. They take pleasure in what we find obscene, because they are not like other people, they have no true connection to anybody, and are incapable of feeling real love. Messing with another person's emotions and life is merely a way to pass the time, pulling one over on you is fun and enjoyable.



Most of the crimes psychopaths commit, tend to be "crimes of the heart" and/or "casual cruelty", they are cruel, manipulative people who leave a trail of broken hearts and often broken lives behind them.



Again, most cyberpaths are common internet liars and predators. Do not be fooled by someone who tells you that there is such a thing as a "harmless liar." A liar is never harmless. A person who lies should never be trusted, and once you find out they've lied to you even once, it's time to break it off.



Once having drained what they can from one source, they turn to others to exploit, bleed, and then cast aside; their pleasure in the misfortune of others is unquenchable. People are used as a means to an end; they are to be subordinated and demeaned ...the pleasure they gain from their ruse often flags once the rewards of deceit have been achieved.



Before long, their true unreliability may be revealed as they "stop working at" their deception or as their need grows to let others know how clever and cunning they have been



A cyberpath may keep you hooked for as long as they need your narcissistic supply. Once you start getting "wise" to them, however, or once he or she begins to tire of you and find that your narcissistic supply is becoming inadequate, you will soon find out, through some subtle manuevers, that your absolutely "perfect" future mate is nothing but a charade.



Some of these con men also relish in playing more expansive games. Once you have fallen in love with him and accepted a marriage proposal, it is not uncommon for this type to sudddenly send an email explaining that he is dying of an incurable disease or that he is an FBI agent and has to move to another country, therefore ending all contact with you.



I have heard of this happening to many women. Those who have met a cyberpath in real life seldom come out unscathed, either physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. Don't forget to add financially as well.





SOURCE

YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY!

In the introduction to the 25th Anniversary Edition of her book, Women and Madness, Phyliss Chesler, M.D. writes:

We now understand that women and men are not "crazy" or "defective"when, in response to trauma, they develop post traumatic symptoms,including insomnia, flashbacks, phobias, panic attacks, anxiety,depression, dissociation, a numbed toughness, amnesia, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-mutilation, and social withdrawal.

Oppression causes bodily changes. These changes make you think you are going crazy. There is a difference between a mental illness and a psychological injury.

Victims of abuse are not mentally ill, they have been injured.

ORIGINAL POST

ONLINE PREDATORS/ CYBERPATHS CAUSE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA!! Serious mental & emotional distress. Many of them ENJOY causing you pain.

Do not let others minimize what has happened to you! Telling you things like "get over it; move on; it was a game; it was just online" etc, is FURTHER ABUSE! - EOPC

YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY!

In the introduction to the 25th Anniversary Edition of her book, Women and Madness, Phyliss Chesler, M.D. writes:

We now understand that women and men are not "crazy" or "defective"when, in response to trauma, they develop post traumatic symptoms,including insomnia, flashbacks, phobias, panic attacks, anxiety,depression, dissociation, a numbed toughness, amnesia, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-mutilation, and social withdrawal.

Oppression causes bodily changes. These changes make you think you are going crazy. There is a difference between a mental illness and a psychological injury.

Victims of abuse are not mentally ill, they have been injured.

ORIGINAL POST

ONLINE PREDATORS/ CYBERPATHS CAUSE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA!! Serious mental & emotional distress. Many of them ENJOY causing you pain.

Do not let others minimize what has happened to you! Telling you things like "get over it; move on; it was a game; it was just online" etc, is FURTHER ABUSE! - EOPC

ECHO NO LONGER - RECOVERY

The Recovery Process of the Ex Partner of the Person Suffering from a Narcissistically Impaired Personality.*
N = Narcissist
P = Partner of Narcissist

(*Many online predators/cyberpaths have a Destructive Narcissistic Pattern. This article is to help victims understand and start healing - EOPC)

In the past few years I have come across an increasing number of persons suffering from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and also an increasing number of individuals whose partners seem to be narcissistically disordered. Through my practice I have met clients at the various stages of this process and each stage has its characteristics as regards both the state of the relationship, and the emotional state of the partner. I will be using the masculine pronoun, as most Ns are male.

Narcissism is usually described by a list of behaviours most of which involve the individual himself. Here I will focus more of the way narcissism interferes with relationships. I believe that there is no better way to diagnosis a narcissist than to look at his relationships and at how his ex-partners have been effected by him.

In describing the victims of narcissists Patrick Hurst's has suggested the diagnosis of EPD, Echo Dependent Personality to describe type of person who is so good at reflecting and affirming another but is lacking in a solid sense of self. "Echo has been captivated by the voice of another of which she is a mere reflection. Echo and Narcissus fit together perfectly; neither is able to initiate and sustain dialogue".

A characteristic predisposing background of EPD involves individuals being parented by caretakers who are themselves self-absorbed, narcissistic, or overly punitive. In the words of Joanna Ashmun: "Narcissists are so much trouble that only people with prior training (i.e. who were raised by narcissists - i.e. ACONS - Adult Children of Narcissists) get seriously involved with them." In this kind of environment the child learns that asserting one's 'true self' will be met with (often serial) rejection, to which the child responds by substituting 'compliant' behaviour in place of true selfhood. Such compliant behaviour can then be witnessed as a stable feature throughout the child's growing-up years, with other school children, and within the family. These may feel "at home" with someone who takes control, belittles and is emotionally cut off. (Hurst, 1998).

Types of "Echo"
In the introduction to commentaries about the story from Greek mythology we find the appropriate warning: "It is important to note that Narcissus had many lovers, both men and women, so this treatment of Echo is not meant to be a description of every person who has had a relationship with a narcissist. Echo can be seen as just one of a myriad of different personalities who found herself caught within the spell of Narcissus."

Some persons may find themselves drawn to one N after another, perhaps unable to learn from the experience, or alternatively needing to work something out intrapersonally through being with an N. Having been parented by an N often predisposes an individual to seek this dynamic again with a partner.

I have also met many altruistic, empathic rescuers in this situation. While some of these can be seen as suffering from EPD others are well defined individuals; I believe these get in touch intuitively with Ns need for love and self-acceptance, and think they can heal this person if they only love them enough. The implication of this, of course, is that if he does not improve it is their fault. So they try even harder.

The need for someone to idealize, admire, look to for guidance is perhaps an especially. dangerous one. When these persons are let down by their Ns they may sink into a loss of hope wider than pain of the abusive relationship itself.

However I wish to emphasize very strongly that being in relationship with an N changes a person (momentarily) and it is easy to become dependent, insecure and clinging. I recommend that counselors and psychotherapists withhold diagnosis of a person in this situation unless they knew her before or until they have seen the "freed" version of the individual. The contrast is sometimes striking. I have seen spirited, assertive, self-assured young women fall under this spell.

"I became this dependent, fearful, insecure person about one year into my relationship with my N. I did not trust my thoughts, my feelings, and my
intuition. I shut off all of these so I could fit in with my N. and become what he wanted of me. Just a year before I had been this confident, self-directed, independent woman. None of my friends would ever have described me as
dependent."

I will now describe the seven phases I have observed whilst working with this type of client and reading the support group contributions. (IMPORTANT!! PLEASE READ):

Phase 1: Flying to the stars
The attraction to the N. is easy to understand. They are often competent, energetic, persons in positions of responsibility. They put themselves across as knowledgeable, interesting, and well connected. The N may be intimidating, mesmerizing, and even larger then life. Or they may be haughty but quiet. But have many skills which are minor manifestations of their disorder: An ability to see things in a new way, a freedom of thought; creativity even, a way of looking at things from a distance.

Seeing the whole picture instead of getting lost in the details, or in emotions.

Their need for control has often led them into positions of leadership. This same need for control makes them question the usual status quo and many are rebels or freethinkers. But all secretly seek acclaim and recognition.

These are some of the comments made about the relationship with the N. in the initial stage:

"When I met my N I thought I had just met the most wonderful person ever born! Nice, kind, talented, intelligent, even caring and concerned."

"In the beginning he was treating me like a Queen. He acts like I am 'the one', the 'kindred friend' that he's never had before."

"At first the relationship with the N was too good to be true".

At this stage it all looks like a fairy tale come true. Both the N. and the partner are idealizing the other, as is the case in most new relationships. They have made each other gods, the answer to all their searching for the perfect mate.

"My heart was his and I was overwhelmed by loving feelings. He seemed the same expressing his emotions and feelings and making me feel I belong ever so much."

Using other people as her "blood bank" or as S. Vaknin refers to as "narcissistic supply" (N.S.) requires that the narcissist be a human emotional radar. He must be psychologically astute and shrewd so that he can "size up" everyone he encounters for his or her potential to be his 'blood-donor'; the one who provides adoration and admiration in vast, unconditional amounts. Often this involves making the partner feel that she has unusual qualities that make her irresistible to the N; e.g. that they are soul mates, uniquely able to understand and support him. This feeds on the narcissism of the partner as she wishes to be like the esteemed loved one.

Cynically using other people also requires that the narcissist be lacking in empathy. A test suggested by Dr. Maria Hsia Chang is to withhold approval and compliments from the N. She predicts that "You will discover that, overnight, the narcissist has lost her/his kindness and even simple civility. Do not be fooled by her simulations at empathy."

More than to lure people into his web, the narcissist's mask also conceals the false self from scrutiny. Concealment requires secrecy, evasion, dishonesty, and lying.

The main method of concealment used at this stage is "not saying the whole truth" and evasion of questions about his past.

From my experience this stage will last as long as the uncritical admiration on the part of the partner continues. However others (e.g. J. A. Ashmun, 1998) have commented that to bring this stage to an end, it is enough for the victim to become devoted to the N and to declare her love. This will make the N. feel he can now drop energy draining pretences." And if you object to being treated like an appliance then they will say that obviously you don't really love them or else you'd let them do whatever they want with you."Two years after a partner wrote of her experience:

"It is clear to me [now] how I had been the one to offer unconditionally all that he needed to fuel his false self!!"

Phase 2: Becoming a Satellite
The next stage is a bewildering one. The N seems to absorb their partner into their intrapsychic world. Some partners find themselves practically mesmerized by the N.

The Ns are mirror hungry and they cause the other to be their idealizing mirror. The focus on himself that the N. forces is very seductive. She fades into the background. She is only there to help the N.to express himself, to admire him, and to support him.

One of the features of this world is indifference to social norms.

Being grandiose and superior, the narcissist refuses to subscribe to society's moral rules and ethical standards. Instead, morality is subjective: "Nobody can judge me."; another characteristic of modern western society.

"They think they are untouchable, inhabitants of a special world, one parallel to ours but never touching. Outlandish behaviour is the N's hallmark. They can draw other unsuspecting, and usually respectable, people into their criminal or pseudo-criminal activities."

The partner of Ns. find themselves also adapting their lifestyle to the wishes of the N. Many loose contact with friends. Friends may see through the N. more clearly from a distance and warn the partner.(to no avail).

Lost in a cloud
The partner is in fact losing contact with herself. But she does not realize this yet. In the words of an ex-victim:

"The asymmetry is visible only when you're out though ... my experience whilst in the 'fog' was of something weird but boundary-less, maybe even a bit mystical. What an illusion! The illusion of mutuality, I call it!!"

My guess is that there are some types of personality that do not allow this to happen and they move away from the relationship at this stage with only a sense of having met a weird guy, but others remain seduced, trapped in the web.

The next point is made by a support group member reply to another:

"What you are saying here is SO important -- how your energy became enmeshed with his until you could not tell whose feelings you were feeling, his or yours. I used to work on this same thing every single day, but it made me feel like I was insane. After all, do "normal" people not know whose feelings they're feeling?? Once or twice, I tried to explain it to my sisteror to a friend, but when you say it out loud, they look at you like they haven't a clue what you're talking about and you have just maybe gone off the deep end! I don't think I've ever gotten enmeshed like this before in any other relationship, to the point where I didn't know where I ended and the other person began, have you? I think you're right. A lot of the misery and unhappiness and guilt I felt were the N's projections onto me. What amazes me is how totally open and receptive I was to that. I was like a sponge. I just sucked it right up and thought it was ME. Or was it me?"

The blurring of personal boundaries that happens to a certain extent in all relationships happens here in a lop-sided manner with partner of the N. identifying too fully with the Ns world.

"Ns install a mental filter in our heads a little bit at a time. Before we know it, everything we do, say, or think, goes through this filter. 'Will he get upset if I do/say/think this? Will he approve/disapprove? Will he feel hurt by this?' Until we can uninstall the N-filter, our actions are controlled by N to some degree."

"It was the losing of myself that caused me the most anguish. I could feel it, like a brainwashing, like a vampire, and he claimed he didn't know anything was wrong, didn't know what I meant when I said I was sad all the time and couldn't trust a word he said."

Some partners of Ns. sense the hidden vulnerability of the N. and wish to heal the wound that they intuit. This again is very seductive for some and is one of the main reasons for the difficulty in getting free from the relationship.

"I know "now" helping them the best I can is a big part of my life mission. They are like autistic children. They stare at you blankly, don't appear to understand emotions, have conversations that make no sense, and are non-relational."

"The point is, I was getting sick and mad, was losing weight and concentration at work. I'm the typical co-dependent, I know. and I really thought the power of love would help."

One manifestation of this inability to accept themselves is an inability to talk openly about themselves. As S.Vaknin observed one can discuss all the aspects of the intimate life of a narcissist, "providing the discourse is not 'emotionally tinted'. If asked to relate directly to his emotions, he will, probably, intellectualize, rationalize, speak about himself in the third person and in a detached "scientific" tone or write a short story with a fictitious character in it, suspiciously autobiographical." It is notoriously difficult to get the N to talk about his painful past experiences, as long as the N does not sense that if he does it will increase his N.S. This can be understood by a sensitive, responsive partner as an invitation to coax the N. to befriend himself more and be more "in touch" with himself. She may see herself as uniquely capable of this. Thus the web is wrapped ever more tightly.

The combination of the previous two points leads to the next one: made by a wise support group member:

"I also think a good portion of your feeling wounded might possibly really belong to him, meaning you are feeling his woundedness, not to say that "you" aren't wounded too, For myself, what I have experienced is a sense of dooming that my ex dumped on me, in a sense I was feeling his longing and neediness more then my own for a long time. I went through a time where I was so confused about what I was feeling period, his stuff or mine. It's taken time and learning to calm down with in myself. I took on his problems."

This phenomenon is what we sometimes refer to as projective identification.

"One partner wants to get rid of or destroy in the other, what the one partner does not like in the self and sees in the other" Lochkar, 1991) e.g. dependency needs.

The N does not know himself, and knows his weaknesses even less. Instead of the insecurities of normal human beings, the narcissist exhibits an impassive and uncritical acceptance of himself. And projects much of his real self onto his partner. The partner is receptive for whatever reason.

"It's like the N's are vampires, feeding off our souls. They cannot acknowledge that they are wrong just as a vampire cannot face the sunlight. It would destroy them."

"One thing I do have to remind myself of all the time is this. They are always looking for who they are in someone else."

Phase 3: Confusion Reigns; Riding the Roller Coaster
Communication
From my experience many of the victims of Ns are decent, trusting, caring individuals who are perhaps a little naive about the worse sides of human nature.

They are in for a shock when they try talking thing over openly with an N:

From a support group

"I believed that if truthful words are spoken, written, shared, they will be heard, and they will be answered. Not with a narcissist. You get sucker-punched in trying to explain something. There is no response to what is said. Words are deflected, twisted, questions answered with questions, non sequitors abound."

"Some Ns like to be MYSTERIOUS because it keeps them in control while you're dancing to FIGURE them out."

Trying to engage a narcissist in serious dialogue is a disconcerting experience because nothing he says makes sense. The N. will often talk in cryptic and confusing messages in order to remain vague and ambiguous. The latest: e.g. of this I heard is of a N. telling his latest victim who has just confessed her love for him "I cannot be in love but I love" and he would not explain further. "The inability or unwillingness to be introspective, in turn, results in cognitive dissonance, cognitive gaps, and non sequiturs." (S. Vaknin).

Sudden shifts between sadism and altruism, abuse and 'love', ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, viciousness and remorse, the harsh and the tender produce in people around the narcissist emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self worth, fear, stress, and anxiety , the feeling of 'walking on eggshells' (S.Vaknin).

A male support group member replies to another:

"That's exactly how it was! Vagueness, lack of commitment, rejection, hope, abandonment --- a crazy, uncertain roller coaster ride. I never knew where I stood, but when I was so rude as to ASK, I got only disgust and anger and blame. I was supposed to be some kind of perfect smiling plastic person who had no needs and made no demands. It wore me down so much. I kept trying, though --- trying to be perfect and sweet and uncomplaining, even when hurt and dumped and blamed. Isn't it right and normal and even healthy of me to want to shake her and scream at her and demand that she SEE what she has put me through."

On the other hand: "When I don't go back and "oblige" everything is O.K."

"I went back to him a dozen times, each time somehow thinking it was different, that maybe now that we had addressed all the issues and brought everything into the open, and he admitted he had treated me badly it would change. And it WOULD go back to (almost) how it had been, but each time that honeymoon period would last a shorter and shorter amount of time. It absolutely wrecked me - my self esteem has never been lower than during my years with him."

Control
The relationship is changing. The leopard is starting to show his spots.

Nothing is equal in the relationship. He expects the partner to submit. It becomes slowly obvious that he cannot conceive of a "we". He gets very annoyed, even rageful at a lot of things the partner does or thinks. This he would vigorously deny if asked...to the great confusion of the partner. A very controlling aspect is starting to emerge, but again the N. is unaware of it and talks of himself in a way that portrays a very different person.

"It wasn't until a few months had passed that I began to feel something wasn't right and I was confused. I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown but couldn't put my finger on the problem (because I thought it was me) until I came here'."

"My life depends on how he is feeling, if he is in a good or bad mood. I am in constant fear."

"Judgmental behaviour began to appear all too soon though and with hindsight it should have been clear that my partner was not ready to accept views that were different from his own even on minor matters. A clear controlling aspect began to emerge"."

If it makes him feel better about himself to belittle you, he will do that, but the ultimate goal isn't to make you feel bad, the goal is perpetuate the myth of his own perfection and simultaneously control you. If by hurting you it gets you in check, makes you take on his failings as your own, and make you work twice as hard for his approval, it's a bonus for him. If he doesn't need to employ cruelty in order to accomplish either of the above goals, he won't. It's that simple."

Isolation
The N often picks victims who have to keep the relationship secret because, for example, it is an extra-marital relationship. This provides them with a double advantage. They will not have to commit thus they will avoid being controlled in that way, and secondly they will have more power in the relationship. A person having an extra-marital relationship or a relationship with someone who is not available e.g. a catholic priest, is very vulnerable. She cannot speak out about the abuse she is experiencing.

She cannot get advice and an outside perspective on the relationship from her friends and family. She has to look happy and "normal all the time at home causing her great psychological stress. And her isolation means only the Ns. Influence will prevail."

N's count on our shame to keep their secrets. They know that exposing them means exposing our own failings. That's what makes them so powerful. They manipulate us into these situations then sit back and watch us squirm between protecting ourselves or blowing the whistle."

Issues of Fidelity
One thing that often jolts the P into facing the situation is the discovery of repeated infidelity.

"He would tell women he loved them all at the same time, keeping each woman separate from the others."

"He will have a new female N supplier ASAP and you can bet he'll be parading her in front of you too."

Narcissist's sexual infidelity is notorious. Flirting and using their sexual attractiveness is a wonderful way of getting what they need most - admiration and devotion. And a secondary gain will be putting the present partner in her place.

It is not because they value sex that much. In fact many can go without sex for months or even years without problems. They also can tease and frustrate their partners with this aspect of a relationship. Often they withhold sexually and relationally as a way of asserting their power and inflict pain.

Hated and Envy
Theorists say that Ns harbor a hated for women which is only thinly veiled.

They also become envious and destructive of anything good that another has.

So if their partner is feeling secure and satisfied he will feel compelled to change that. His affairs may be secret and he will deny their existence very convincingly but he'll make sure you find out about them.

"Yes I told him exactly what I think of him, his lies, his deceit, his lack of emotions, he is just an image not a real person. And I realize that not only did this not bother him, it actually made him feel great! He knows that he has a dramatic impact on my feelings and since he won't let me love him anymore, now he makes me hate him. This must really make him feel like he's one damn special and unforgettable person!"

Ns. prefer to be notorious than to be ignored and hated.

If they have many enemies, if they are feared and avoided, they take a preserve pleasure in this. Besides they can tell themselves that no one can understand them as no one can reach their level, thus taking pride in being different and unpopular.

"Only the most discerning individuals can know my worth and value."

By this time the partner of the N. has noticed that something is amiss in the relationship! But nothing is clear.

Phase 4: Hitting the dust
The change in the narcissist is too obvious to take all the blame for.

If she expresses this as a complaint, a request for something different or especially as a criticism she is in for trouble. This will probably set off the Ns's worst self. He will suddenly feel exposed.

Seen for who he really feels he is deep with in himself. It may provoke the deflation of the grandiosity or set off efforts at warding off the threat of a more accurate view of the self. Whichever way it goes he will devalue the partner and start treating her like an enemy.

"He was mad at "me" for wanting something I had every right to want from him considering the time factor of our relationship and the closeness he led me onto. I was the bad person because I was scared to death about my future since he wasn't giving me anything to really hang onto that I could trust. And he hated me for laying the rope down on the line about commitment, no matter how many times I pleaded and tried to explain to him that I needed to have a future too."

"The most you can do is just accept that they blame you for things. It's one of the easiest things N's do, "blame". You're going to have to know that you are NOT to blame!"

The N. when he "changes" does so often suddenly and dramatically. In the words of a client:

"From being totally in love with me one day this person could just drop me the next, belittle me and put all blame on me over one episode where I disagreed with a decision (which involved both of us), he took on his own accord."

"I suddenly realized that I wasn't as stupid as I had grown to believe."

From the point of view of the N. his sense of pride or integrity has been wounded. This N. rage is a response to personal injury, a statement like "Here I've tried so hard and you make me look like a fool! You never appreciate all the things that I have done for you." At this moment they are expelled from their womb of self love and plunged into a free fall of destructive and uncontrollable impulses, awash in long repressed insecurity.

They quickly recover however, defenses coming to the rescue, helped along by their next N.S.

Narcissists are likely to treat people inconsistently because they are susceptible to "splitting", or projecting everything good on some people and everything bad on others. In other words, narcissists "divide the world into famous, rich, worthy and great people on the one hand, and the despicable, worthless 'mediocrity' on the other. They quickly pass a person from the "in" category to the " out" one, this especially in intimate relationships.

The false self must be impervious, which requires the narcissist to resist self-examination and introspection. Doing so would open the narcissist to reality-based assessment--a dangerous undertaking because the false self is, by definition, unreal. As a consequence, instead of the insecurities of normal human beings, the narcissist exhibits an impassive and uncritical acceptance of himself.

The maintenance and protection of the false self also requires constant vigilance against attack. This is why the narcissist overreacts with rage and humiliation to any perceived criticism, no matter how minor or justified (S. Vaknin)

Taking the blame

"And finding fault constantly, excessively and yes, making me out to be the one with the unforgivable faults and the one who isn't normal. All my efforts to do things properly were in vain."

This feeling that as a partner we have done something unforgivable is very common.

Many partners of Ns. at this stage would do anything to return to how they were.

They will take the blame for anything and everything if only the N would love them as he did in the beginning. There is no way out of the narcissistic catch: the narcissist despises, in equal measures, the submissive and the independent, the strong (who constitute a threat) and the weak (who are, by definition, despicable).

No one will measure up to his standards and if they do they would threaten him. Ns seem to prefer those inferior to him to make his self-aggrandizement easier, but then he despises her as she puts him in a bad light.

"this is the only partner that you can attract," says an unconscious nagging doubt.

If she is his equal he will try and destroy her even faster, to show his superiority.

"As I got to know him, the uneasiness shifted to a feeling of walking on eggshells since I never knew what action or word I might do would trip over one of his innumerable emotional landmines."

Trust betrayed

"I can recall so vividly his change, like a blade cutting sharply through me, like meeting another self!!!"

It often comes as a shock, a trauma the realization that the one the partner loved so much can be so feelingless, so cruel, so detached. It may become obvious that he does not consider the partner at all when important decision-making is concerned.

And he does not seem to understand why that bothers her. He may suddenly disappear from her life.in one of the mostpowerfully painful experience ever. It is a though he has exclaims as in the myth; ""Hands Off!" Embrace me not! May I die before I give you power o'er me!"

"And then I feel there is a time of confusion, maybe for me that was the beginning of breaking the illusory shell, and then the space of non-understanding, of not being able to make it."

"I suddenly realized that I wasn't as stupid as I had grown to believe."

PTSD
The realization that the relationship is over because the N has devalued the partner is often experienced as a trauma. Partners often remark that this final realization came suddenly and as a consequence the partner of the N has many symptoms of PTSD including sleepless nights, flash backs, startle reflexes, and uncontrollable crying fits. These symptoms may last for months or years.

"The brutal change in him was all the more shocking because of what he had appeared to be. The devaluation was indescribable, unnerving, horrifying, frightening."

His N rages used to burst forth several times a day. I found I was married to a total stranger, a Jekyll and Hyde who sometimes looked at me as if he didn't even know me. Exhausting is an understatement - it was like clinging to the edge of a cliff 24 hours a day."

Difficulty in explaining what happened
One painful fact is that when the experience is shared with friends or sometimes-even counsellors, it is difficult to communicate what has happened. The confusion that the P experiences make it difficult to recount things clearly. The P. is still emotionally connected to the N, thus protecting him and accusing him alternatively. Many Ps will not name their Ns. to counsellors or other helpers, thus protecting their identity. The hook, which the N has implanted in their heart, is hard to remove.

Also the break up is more painful then an ordinary one. Friends may find this difficult to understand. There is something devastating about the aftermaths of a relationship with an N.

Phase 5: Breaking the Spell: Run Trying Not to Look Back
Feeling the power he still has over her some Ns. will keep on pursuing their partner after she has left him, as illustrated below. He may feel she still has a soft spot for him and that she will take him back. He exploits this, maybe to exercise his power. Maybe he also misses the early moments of "Flying to the Stars" and hopes his ex will again provide that magic mirror.

Or the reasons may be more utilitarian e.g. a place to stay. Whatever the reason the effect is an increased confusion and ambivalence in the ex partner. The personal boundaries of the partner were often not strong before the relationship started...and are weaker still after some years of self-confidence erosion.

"I stayed far away from him. But he would not leave me alone. I was extremely violated by this person and it took 7 years of intensive therapy to overcome the injuries I suffered because of him."

"It's a very good thing to be scared sometimes, especially when tempted to N-dip. It's not only our emotional well being at stake here. It can be our physical (health included) safety as well."

"My self esteem has never been lower than during my years with him".

The greatest temptation at this stage is to give him another chance. I have met partners of N who are cyclically hoping that he will see the light and change his ways. The power of their early experience with the N, when he was warm, perceptive, caring and protective prove to be a powerful hook; one that is very difficult to remove from one's heart.

"He was so convincing in his gentle, opened sensitive "mode". I still can't quite believe that that is not the real him, not the devil I have met in the later years. He seemed so sincere, so genuine; like a hurt but hopeful pure being. I cannot give up hope.."

When 'Trying' is not successful
Others, for whatever reason, choose not to leave the relationship but continue to struggle within it. I received this feedback from a close friend in this situation when I was drafting this paper:

"Struggling to break the spell"
This has certainly been my experience: struggling to not only see the reality of my husband (which I do only too well) but also, I guess, I have struggled to make him see himself as I see him - which is not something that has helped the relationship of course!" A question which keeps on coming up both in the support group and from my clients is: "If I tell him that he has a disorder will he accept it, will he change, go to therapy, work to change the way he relates to me". The sad answer is that Ns will not recognize themselves and will deny what you show them about themselves. They will, most likely, make the partner think thatthere is something wrong in her, that her perception has been distorted, that she, moreover, has betrayed their unique understanding.

Phase 6: Picking up the Pieces: Trying to make Sense of the Experience and Coping with the Loss and Anger
Making sense is pretty complicated emotionally but can be summarized in one sentence rationally: In the words of an experienced partner:

"NPD is actually quite simple. When they want supply (adoration/veneration) they put on the whole show to obtain that supply. As the supply wanes, because no one can sustain all the time that high-octane adoration the N requires, then the N begins to get uneasy and devaluation sets in, followed by confusion and bewilderment on the part of the spouse/partner, who thinks s/he has done everything 'right'."

"The key for you is to learn as much as you can as fast as you can, and protect yourself financially and emotionally. Not too many people survive the devastation of a tornado. The N will not change, you must absolutely keep this before your mind."

"I know it is hard for you right now.... But, with this time you can concentrate on getting back to You! Focus on all your good points, you inner strength and beauty. It will come back. I think it's something we all are struggling with, trying to figure out just who we really are. It's our inner light that keeps us strong."

"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."

Anger at what is finally Named as Abuse
At last the anger can be released...as the hope of getting back the "Garden of Eden" days fades. With distance the Ns games and manipulative ways can be seen more clearly.

"Maybe it is bad for me to wish her unfortunate times, but that is what she deserves I have never met anyone more evil than she is. It's the kind of evil that masquerades as good. I swear I met the devil."

"If you want something to cry about, cry for the N's new victim(s), the innocent, unmarked, un-inoculated prey. The victims are carefully chosen, and I feel sad for them."

"About every three months I'd hear about some treachery he was inflicting on someone, somewhere. This helps remind me NEVER to go back"

The key, as in all break ups, is to avoid contact. This physical distance is especially important in break-ups with an N as psychological distance and freedom is very difficult to achieve.

It's important not to blame yourself but get on with detaching both physically and mentally. Not easy and not pleasant.

Anger towards herself
Anger is not only felt towards the N but perhaps felt in equal measures towards one's self. The partner sees herself as an idiot for having fallen for the N, and for not having seen through him earlier. She is angry and disappointed with herself for having done things, even become a person, who she did not want to become, though the N's influence. She experiences a great loss of self, a loss of boundaries, and a loss of self-trust. The re-finding of herself has to begin.

"And when the crack is too big to keep holding with an elastoplast stick, then came the shame and humiliation for the victim (me!) and then the self-addressed anger- how stupid could I have been to trust!!"

Depression
Exhausted by years of self-doubt, emotion abuse, confusion and perhaps indecision the partner sees herself as a fool. She sees the ways that she has denied reality to herself; the ways she has ignored her 'inner small voice of wisdom' and allowed herself to be taken over by a sick person, and the self-blame can precipitate her into depression.

"I am worried that I am the kind of person who will always end up in a relationship like the one I had with Peter. I gravitate towards that type of person, I can see it now...all the men who attract me were Ns. I feel powerless to do anything about it."

When the anger cannot be expressed, as is often the case in this type of situation, the energy attached to the experience remains locked up and can become self destructive.

Phase 7: Moving on, without closure
To come back to the ever-seductive pull of the N, the partner finds she has to do all the work of putting an end to the relationship herself. The N will always want to keep it open-ended, to keep his hold on the partner.

"When you try to break off, then, it's like they have a way of keeping you locked in their gaze. In fact, I think the image of the gaze is appropriate. You're locked and you cannot be freed. And when you force yourself to look away, for a time, until the hope ends, it's like you know you're somehow still present in that gaze, that somehow you still are obsessed with him, and it is only when you can break it off, sharply, that you can be free. But he will keep looking!!!"

"I am ready to move on, but some things are proving harder for me to cope with than others. One thing is knowing that N has always blamed me, is blaming me now, and will continue to blame me silently, from a distance, even if I never see her again, for EVERYTHING that ever happened. This haunts me. I want to find her, shake her, make her realize and admit that she DID do some destructive things that made our relationship impossible, and she IS responsible for doing those things. Everything was not my fault!"

"Closure is something that is foreign to us here (in the support group); I doubt that any of us really feel that there was ever true closure when dealing with our N's. This wish for closure just keeps this person in your life"

"I feel like I have extricated myself from a cult."

The support of friends and especially sharing with people who have experienced the same thing that allows the partner to keep a sense of sanity and of hope. This is why I refer all my client to support groups; either the on-line variety or face-to-face versions. The dynamics of this type of relationship are unique and to see another pass through what you have lived is a uniquely liberating experience.

There is uniquely strong sense, after a partner has detached herself from the N., of having met evil personified. Scott Peck in his book "The People of the Lie" also talked of some types of narcissism as being an expression of evil. I think that this is because the N. first portrays himself in such a good light and then reveals himself as being someone so damaging and ruthless that we get the sense of our goodness, and belief in goodness being threatened to the core.

Thus the sense of 'evil being made visible'. Also I believe, the lack of empathy of the N. so injures our social bonds that the N. is by nature an outcast and an aberration.

Self-knowledge
For some this experience of having been "taken over" by a N. can lead to a self-questioning which in turn can lead to deeper self-knowledge and understanding. The ex-partner of the N can start the process of re-integrated the part of herself that she disowned, and needed the N. to express for her. This could be the more dynamic, more confident part. Or the part that wants to be seen and recognized. The possibilities are many. But through this experience she can re-integrate "shadow" aspects of her personality. She may realize that she is drawn to an N. because it is a familiar role. One which she adopted as a child with her father or mother.

She may want to learn how to put better boundaries so that con men can no longer impress her and invade her world. This work cannot be done till all the above phases have been worked through and she can take a certain distance from the trauma.

"I didn't honour my intuition, gut feelings and instinct. The truth is that I had almost no experience setting healthy boundaries."

"Remember, the trip through the pain will bring the emergence of a stronger you who will have acquired a self-awareness you never dreamed possible!!!"

"Through my self-education I've experienced opposite ends of emotion. On one hand it's been enlightening, cleansing, joyous, and uplifting. On the other hand it's been revolting, heart-achingly painful, gut-wrenchingly toxic, and horribly embarrassing."

Tasting a different kind of relationship
The overwhelming relief felt when a partner of an N enters into a different type of relationship is in striking contrast. It may not be so exciting, the non-N may not take his partner to the stars. But what a relief to be able to be yourself, not be constantly on guard, unafraid of doing something wrong.

Gone are the fears of being unworthy of the great man, doing something unknowingly that will earn you months of detached disdain.. and will leave you feeling worse then shit.

Alternatively the partner may remain crushed and shattered by her experience with the N. She may have lost her self-esteem to such an extent that she becomes self destructive through relationships or otherwise. Or she may fear all relationships fearing that all men are wolves in sheep's clothing. A person who has been a victim for many years will have, in all probability, lost all sense of herself and be simply a bitter extension of the N.

Counselling
The intervention one makes as a therapist is always influenced by the readiness or psychological state of the client. This is perhaps especially true in this type of situation. If the client is in phase 1 or 2 nothing will be clear enough, in the client's mind, to communicate to the therapist that the person she is taking about is an N.

In stage 3 on the awareness might be greater but very mixed. The client is likely to go from thinking something about the way he interacts with me is unacceptable...

to "I have to find a way to get back into his good books."

to "he is right I should not have asked where he is going that night three months ago".

I have found that giving the partner a very tentative indication that she may be in relationship with someone who has personality difficulties opens a door. At times I give the client (those in the middle stages of such a relationship) a handout that describes the feelings and experiences of the partner of an N. I ask her to check if she can identify with any. If she does I may give her the address of the support group so she can further compare her experiences with those of the members there.

Whether or not she does it is often a matter of accompanying and supporting the process. This often includes witnessing the partner's return to the relationship with the N. These clients need to be sure that what they saw at the beginning (the prefect partner) is no longer there and be sure they cannot somehow make that state re-happen. A lot of the rest is helping rebuild the self-confidence and self-respect of the individual, and later to understand why this attraction took place. This involves rebuilding appropriate boundaries and recognizing, and resisting the inner temptation to give over control of one's world to a narcissist.

As a psychiatrist was once heard saying "Ns. are the bread and butter of the therapeutic enterprise, not because they so often seek professional help - they are too impressed with themselves to ever think they have a problem - but because they drive so many people around them crazy."

Bibliography
Vaknin, S. (1999, 2001) Malignant Self Love; Narcissism Revisited, Narcissus Publications, Skopje and Prague.
Lachkar, J. (1992) The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple; A Psychoanalytic Perspective on Marital Treatment, Brunner/Mazel Inc. New York

Copyright 2002 by Mary Ann Borg Cunen.

REPLACE the words Narcissist and N. with CYBERPATH/ ONLINE PREDATOR - there you have it! -- EOPC