Experts at Brainwashing: Premeditated Mind Control

Are you a caring individual who is in this situation and can’t discover the way out of this emotionally destructive cycle? Your frustration may be caused by the premeditated mind control of a psychopathic companion. (like a cyberpath).

A relationship that is in constant chaos absent explanation is a sign that your companion’s goal might be mind control rather than issue resolution. A relationship that is resolution oriented does not pass through the halls of argument or confusion to reach the goal.

Two individuals, in control of their own minds, civilly express common and uncommon viewpoints, then agree to the best course of action. When an individual desires to control another’s mind, the course is argument with resulting guilt by the one controlled.

Guilt is a powerful tool used by manipulators to control the targeted mind. Love means never having to say you are sorry. This is a profound statement worth noting. The partner that expresses sorrowful guilt is not the one where love should be questioned. Question the receiver that instigates this response.

If you are the target of a manipulator via mind control your appreciation of how their mind works will free you from your guilt and inevitable disaster. For those that are reading this in a state of puzzlement regarding the nature of your relationship, you are not alone. Many relationships live in similar turmoil.

In order to stop this cycle you need to understand why it is happening. When two people meet and build a relationship toward a future together often times each puts their best foot forward to impress the other. This initial impression has the potential to last a lifetime.

A destructive manipulator is no stranger to the importance of this ritual.

During the initial phase in their relationships they are the master of charm. Once this manipulator of the mind feels they have you under their spell, they transform into an evil person. You may exhaustively attempt to change them back to the person you once knew.

You will not succeed. That was an illusion.

Anytime you think or say “[your companion] use to be [such and such]” stop and discover you might be in a relationship with an individual devoid of empathy. EMPATHY is an essential restraint on behavior. It is amazingly potent against those saturated in empathy by those in the absence of empathy.

Your empathy causes your guilt and your manipulative partner’s absence leaves them guiltless. This fundamental difference creates disputes.

The battle for blame is not worth the time and energy expended against an always blameless combatant.

Stop owning what is not yours. If you are dealing with somebody who lives in the absence of empathy, shouldering their guilt is futile. Never, ever feel guilty for another person’s behavior.

If your companion turns their back this is confirmation of their life in the absence of empathy. Their action is not your fault. Do not dwell on your misguided choice. Move forward with the knowledge that you may have escaped the destructive nature of a psychopath.

Serenity exists in a life filled with empathy.

SOURCE FOR THIS AND OTHER GREAT ARTICLES - CLICK HERE

CLICK HERE FOR: The Narcissist Makes Everyone, Including You, Think that You Are the Dependent (Obsessed) One

HOW ABUSERS BRAINWASH THEIR VICTIMS

CHANGING MINDS

SOME OF THE INNER WORKINGS OF A CYBERPATH

(extrapolated from the work of Lundy Bancroft)
- The cyberpath is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision making (such as saying "it's over" and blocking the victim or saying "I will not read anything more she writes or listen to anything more she says"... mostly because the victim is telling the truth!)

- he may make rules for the victim about her movements and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to contact or to see certain friends online or off. He also forbids his friends and family from contacting you by painting a very negative picture of you to them.

- he is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his
abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, he changes times & dates to cover himself, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so

- his public image usually contrasts sharply with the online reality (friends & family are clueless to the image he present to his targets/ victims)

- he is entitled; he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other family members, friends or you

- he believes that his needs should be at the center of the target's agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy

- he typically believes that it is his sole prerogative to determine when and how sexual relations will take place, and denies his partner the right to refuse or to initiate sex/ cybersex

- he usually believes that work should be done for him, and that any contributions he makes to those efforts should earn him special appreciation and deference

- he is highly and often subtly demanding

- he is disrespectful; he considers his targets less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object (because in his mind, she is "just an object")

- he communicates his sense of superiority in various ways

- after a break-up or negative event with the target, the cyberpath sometimes becomes quickly involved with a new partner whom he treats relatively well for a long period of time
- cyberpaths are not out of control, and therefore can be on "good" behavior for extended periods of time - even a few years - if they consider it in their best interest to do so

- the new target may insist, based on her experience with him, that the man is wonderful to her, and that any problems reported from the previous relationship must have been fabricated, or must result from bad relationship dynamics for which the cyberpath and a former target are mutually responsible. The cyberpath can thus use his new partner to create the impression that he is not a risk.

When caught:
- Cyberpaths increasingly use a tactic I call "preemptive strike," where he accuses the target of doing all the things that he has done. (projection)

- he will call his target a "predator too!"

- he was scour the net, her friends, etc for every little tidbit of information - spinning it into a damning web and making it look as if she had done something horrible by stringing together "facts"; this includes going after the target's family, friends, children, coworkers and so on

- he will say things like: "it was just fooling around, nothing serious", "it was all a game", "everyone does it" and "THE TARGET DID IT TOO AND KNEW WHAT THEY WERE GETTING INTO" (this last statement is a blatant lie believed only by the cyberpath & their 'buddies')

- he will say that his victim(s) was harassing him and his friends/family, that she was extremely "controlling" (adopting the language of domestic violence experts; even calling the victim a 'predator, psychopath, cyberpath' and so on), that she's a 'terrorist' or a 'scorned woman' and that she was unfaithful and also at fault. He will accuse her of being a cheater or a sex addict or a harasser herself

- he may go to law enforcement and try to take out protective order against the target or 'report' the target, manipulating everything with 'selective' or 'doctored' information to make it look as if she is the aggressor or abuser

- The cyberpath does the opposite of what they should, according to the situation. They will sometimes use all these concocted lies to cease communication with the traumatized target, never make amends or truly apologize and take any measures they feel necessary to silence their victims so they can target more unsuspecting targets.

- Or if the target tells the cyberpath to 'leave them / and their family alone' the cyberpath will become relentless in harassing their victims, online & off and trying to "tell their truth" (lies & spin) about the situation in a fit of narcissistic rage.

(We have used the male gender, your cyberpath may well be female - EOPC)

INSIDE THE ABUSIVE MIND

"..the narcissistic abuser often picks energetic, loving, successful, passionate people. They seek out in others, what they lack, then begin the process of appropriating what the other has for themselves. In this sense they are true emotional vampires, robbing their victims of their personality, they energy, their passion for life - metaphorically killing them.

Their preferred method though, in the end, is to have the victim self-destruct, allowing them to walk away in triumph seeking sympathy for what they've had to endure with this 'crazy person'."

(edited slightly for cyberpaths)
Abusive people (such as cyberpaths) typically think they are unique, so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else. But actually, abusers have a lot in common with one another and share a great many thinking patterns and behaviors.

These may include:

Success Fantasies: The abuser believes in fantasies of being rich, famous, or extremely successful in other terms if only other people weren't holding him back. They're blocking the way makes the abuser feel justified in getting back at them, including through abuse. The abuser also puts other people down as a way of building himself up. Beckstead - prime example!

Blaming: The abuser shifts responsibility for actions to others, which allows the abuser to be angry at the other person for "causing" the behavior. Cyberpath example: "If you wouldn't "tempt me" I wouldn't beg you for intimate photos, cybersex or send you dirty pictures.."

Redefining: The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with the abuser but with others or the outside world. Cyberpath example: My wife/ partner doesn't love me; won't have sex with me; makes me feel bad - anyway... so I need to turn to you (and net porn) for relief. My boss stresses me out... so I take it out on you (victim) at the computer.

Making Fools of Others: The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch her reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others. The Cyberpath may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a great deal of interest in and concern for that person in order to get on her good side. (love bombing, coercion, manipulation, brainwashing, anchoring lies)

Assuming: Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. Cyberpath example: "I knew you'd be mad because I didn't come online when you asked, so I figured I might as well stay away for a week..."

Emotional Dependence: Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their partner. The result of their inner rage at being dependent means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness. (If they are having net affairs they may take out their rage on the new victim rather than the spouse - knowing the person they are cheating with has no one to tell without revealing the net affair!)

One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. Another sign of dependence is the effect of what happens when the abused person leaves the relationship because of the abuse. It is common for the abuser to make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.

Lying: The abuser manipulates by lying to control information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically. For example: The abuser tries to appear truthful when actually lying, or tries to look deceitful when actually telling the truth.

Rigid Application of Traditional Sex Attitudes: Abusive persons tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of the opposite sex. The man may expect the woman to over fulfill all the household and mothering chores and to be very submissive and subservient.

Drama and Excitement: Abusive people have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships. They substitute drama and excitement (sex? playing games with people's heads & emotions?) for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics to set up an exciting situation.
Closed Channel: The abusive person does not tell much about personal details and real feelings. The abuser is not open to new information about himself either, such as someone else's thoughts about them personally. The abuser is secretive, close-minded and self-righteous. Abusers believe they are right in all situations.

Ownership: The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, the abuser believes that anything that is wanted should be owned, and that the abuser can do as wanted with anything that is his. The same attitude applies to people. It justifies controlling others' behavior, physically hurting them, smearing their character, stalking, hacking their computers and taking things that belong to them.

Poor Anger Management: Individuals who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become spouse abusers or abused people themselves. A person who sees violence, even verbal or emotional violence, as the primary method for settling differences as a child is not going to have very many alternate ways available to channel anger. A person without an everyday outlet for anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.

Minimizing: The abuser ducks responsibility for abusive actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. Cyberpath example: "Everything I said online wasn't that bad", or "You took what I said the wrong way."

Fragmentation: The abuser usually keeps the abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical; for example, the abuser will seduce and malign people online but not in real life.

The separation is also psychological; for example, it is not uncommon for an abuser to attend church Sunday morning and abuse his victim Sunday night. The abuser sees no inconsistency in this behavior and feels justified in it.

Above the Rules: As mentioned earlier, abusers generally believe they are better than other people and so don't have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate usually believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he is not. An abuser shows above-the-rules thinking in saying, "I don't need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody." (they usually only go to counseling when caught, as a way to say - "I straightened my life out - its ok now", then go RIGHT BACK TO COVERTLY ABUSING)

Self-glorification: The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very virile. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.

Inability to express feelings with words: This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy and may feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable. Particularly when frustrated, the abusive person expects instant gratification from their partner who is expected to "read" their mind and "know" what their mate wants. When the mate doesn't know what is expected the partner may interpret this as meaning they do not really love them. Therefore with an abusive individual, rejection = violence (verbal, physical, emotional). (if they do genuinely express themselves its generally a sarcastic remark, a putdown or anger)

Vagueness: Thinking and speaking vaguely or selectively skewing facts lets the abuser avoid responsibility. Cyberpath Example: "I'm working, I can't chat right now." (Working on OTHER VICTIMS??)

ORIGINAL ARTICLE FROM THIS GREAT SITE

Why do YOU Always Have to be Right, Martyr Man?

(this wonderful article can be read in its entirety at THIS SITE. It could be a letter to any of our cyberpaths. We recommend you read the whole thing at the site linked below! - EOPC)

Dear Martyr Man,

You will always be the victim, in every situation where someone tries to get close to you. You cannot relate to women as equals. You look for a strong-willed woman, latch on to her, but envy her strength and ability to express herself openly, so you attack her in vicious little ways. Ways so subtle that you can easily and convincingly deny any wrongdoing and make HER look like the crazy one for even suspecting that you are a passive-aggressive game player.

You played similar games with women before, and this was a chief motivator for their anger and "abuse" towards you. If they struck you physically, that was not right,

but when you paint yourself as a martyr, you *always* fail to mention the emotional and psychological abuse you were inflicting on THEM.

That's right, Martyr. You are an abuser. You. Poor little cringing, eternally victimized you.

"But abusers scream, yell and hit, and I never do that!" you protest. "I'm not that way at all. I don't have the anger gene. I am completely incapable of anger."

What you are incapable of is the truth. But I am capable of the truth and here it is.

You ARE capable of anger. In fact, you are a very angry person, as your father before you must have also been - he is clearly the one upon whom you have modeled your behavior. Like him, you were too intimidated by other people to express your anger openly, so you nursed your rage in secret and struck out instead in subtle little ways. If you were asked to do something, you made sure you "forgot" repeatedly or did a poor job. You no doubt carry this behavior on in your work and it is the reason most of the other employees don't like you. People tend not to like someone who does not do his share of the work and is sullen and resistant to new ideas. They are probably tired of your constant subterfuge and backstabbing. No doubt you also play the divide-and-conquer game, playing people off against one another.

You haven't said much about your mother, but I'll make a few educated guesses. She was a strong-willed woman who dominated you and your father, and you both resented it, but neither of you ever told her so directly. Neither of you had the courage to assert yourselves openly. So you both "got even" with her by lying, false promises, "forgetting" or otherwise sabotaging things she asked you to do, and/or withholding your attention and love.

Your mother was a model for how you view women today. As I have previously said, you go after women with strong, assertive personalities, because they fit your mother's model and because you admire them for the qualities that you yourself lack. However, you also hate them because they are strong and you are weak. Because you cannot assert yourself openly, you play psychological games designed to break them down, subvert their will, and subtly - invisibly - assert YOUR control.

That's right, Martyr Man. You want control. You are not able to control yourself and so you are controlled by others - but you resent it. So you get a feeling of control by manipulating situations with a deft, invisible hand. You "forget" that a woman asked you to do something. You "forget" NOT to do something she finds hurtful or disrespectful.

You remember to do the things YOU enjoy and want to do, and your friends think you're a great guy - the kind of guy who would do anything for his friends! (Of course you would - your reputation depends on maintaining an appearance of kindness and willingness, and anyone who doesn't know you WELL would say what a nice guy you are - you would do anything to maintain that image).... If she does something you REALLY don't like, such as attempt to leave you, you hint around at suicide and disappear, leaving her to agonize for days over your fate. Really, you're off hanging out with your buddies and drinking and having fun, but she doesn't need to know that, does she?

No doubt she has noticed the fact that after your initial, highly romantic and complimentary approach, you do a complete about-face once she's "hooked" - like Jerkily and Hyde. Once she's in a relationship with you, the kind and gentle and loving courtship behavior ceases, and the passive-aggressive battle begins. First, you begin by slowly and subtly creating distance between you - by spending less time with her every day (always her fault, because of something SHE did...) withholding your attention and affection, making sure she gets the message that your friends, your other interests, EVERYTHING else are more important to you than the person you called the love of your life. When she challenges you about this behavior, you deny it, and make her out to be irrational and crazy for even suspecting it. After all, the success of a passive-aggressive campaign depends on secrecy and camouflage.
You lie easily, leaving out little details like a wife you haven't yet legally severed ties to, and children that you almost never see. You haven't got a divorce, and you won't, because even though you hate your wife, you feel chained to her. You are dependent on her. It's a parasitic relationship.... I haven't the faintest doubt you have cheated on her many times and lied to her many times, and that was the real cause of the attack that so wounded you emotionally. You brought it on yourself, but you won't admit that part.

... Yet, you still cling to this desperate delusion that you are incapable of anger.

That's a lie, Mr. Martyr. One of many.

Lies undermine the trust that is vital to all relationships. But you don't care about that as long as you can feel in control. Even when control comes at the expense of love, and that is sad.

Nobody can get close to you, Martyr Man. You'll let them within a certain distance, but then you are frightened by intimacy and of your will being sublimated to another's because deep down inside you know you are not strong enough to assert your own will openly and directly.... You wither under direct confrontation, but when you are able to operate undetected, you are a cruel and effective bully.

Games You Play:

1. The forgetting game:

You are asked to do something you don't want to do. Instead of saying no, you either "forget" about it or sabotage it so badly that the results are useless. You enjoy the frustration this causes others - this is your sneaky way of asserting yourself and controlling the situation from behind the scenes.

2. The withholding game:

Once in a relationship with someone, you begin to selectively withhold your time and affection. The other person senses this pulling away and asks about it. You deny it. But you let them know, indirectly, that many other things are more important to you than they are - your friends, your work, your opera DVDs. You let them know this by leaving their company to pursue these interests without telling them you are doing so. You enjoy the feeling of being in control, knowing you have falsely promised someone your attention later in the evening and knowing you have no intention of fulfilling that promise. You will "forget" to come back, and enjoy your evening alone knowing you are ruining someone else's. When the person confronts you about this treatment, you will act put out at the suggestion that your actions should live up to your words. You just can't remember to keep your promises!

.... You know full well that thist the way you like your partner to feel - that way she will be more dependent on you, desperate for your attention, and under your control.

3. The lying game:

Lies roll smoothly off your tongue whenever you are confronted about your behavior and/or something you failed to mention about your past, such as being currently married and the father of two children (now that is a big thing to "forget", even if you alienated them so badly that they don't want to spend any time with you any more). Lying by omission is lying, pure and simple. But you didn't lie on purpose, you claim. No, you just forgot, or your emotional pain was so great that you just couldn't bear to tell the truth!

4. The deflecting game:

Partner becoming suspicious of your lies? No matter, just deflect the attention! Change the subject, wander off, or start ruthlessly (and falsely) putting yourself down so that she won't have the heart to be "mean" enough to pursue the matter any further. If she persists, then you play:

5. The martyr game:

This is your favorite game of all. This game allows you to escape responsibility for anything and everything by invoking your status as the most misunderstood, mistreated, helpless and victimized martyr who ever walked the earth. Nobody understands you or your pain! Don't they see that being a victim completely justifies the way you turn around and become a victimizer at will? Nobody could ever suspect poor little abused, tormented you of torpedoing relationships.

Nobody could expect such an innocent little lamb of deliberately causing emotional and psychological damage to others. Why, look at the way he cries and curls up into a helpless little ball when confronted (and when the lying and deflecting games don't work)! He could never harm ANYONE.

.... The Martyr has no pity or compassion for anyone else, since he saves it all for himself.

6. The superior game:

Unlike all the other people on Earth, you're incapable of anger. You're a regular Gandhi, full of kindness and respect for all, and it's such a tragedy that other people feel the need to get angry at you. You'd never push someone's buttons until they responded in anger and then deny any wrongdoing, setting them up to look like the emotional, crazy one. You'd never get satisfaction out of a nasty little game like that, because you're too superior. You're also superior to the rest of the world culturally - nobody is as sensitive and artistic as you, and nobody appreciates your kind of music, or appreciates it at such a lofty level. You especially love to pull this routine after you've seriously pissed somebody off. You respond with calm politeness - calm of course, since you have got the angry/upset reaction you were aiming for - and double-whammy the person by showing them how YOU never get angry because you are too superior a person to be capable of anger. ...
No wonder you're so angry at being unmasked publicly. Your games depend on your victim not knowing what's going on.

You are not interested in confronting your problems or getting any help for them. You'd rather just float through life like a spineless jellyfish, stinging anyone who ventures too near. Your behavior patterns are firmly entrenched and you are too old to change.

I have no doubt you will continue this behavior pattern with the next woman you meet, and you will continue it until you drive her away, too. You like to drive women away - like to get them so fed up that they leave. That feeds your sickness in a number of ways:

it takes the burden of decision-making off of YOU;

* it enables you to play the martyr over being left by this cruel, horrible woman;
* it gets you sympathy from your next prospect.

You like hurting other people and you have no intention of changing.

And don't bother with the "I'm a wonderful sensitive human being who would never cause anyone harm; you've misunderstood me". Oh no. I have not. I have understood you at last.

I understand now how you messed with my mind and made me even fear for my own sanity, how you exploited me emotionally, how you hurt me to the point where I actually felt suicidal. (Dorsky, Campbell, Jacoby, Thomas and YidwithLid's targets all mentioned this, readers!)
..... It's called PROJECTION. It's what YOU would do in such a situation, so you project your own screwed up motives onto others.

For someone who is so wounded, so sensitive, so compassionate, so victimized, so gentle - your letters bristle with anger, threats, and nastiness. I thought you were incapable of such things, Gandhi. And you sure are lacking in any compassion at all for the women you've tormented - you have none for your wife and you have none for me. And no doubt you'll have none for your next victim.

You chose your life, and you choose to be this way. You choose it every day. You could change, and learn to be a person of truth, strength and integrity, but you choose not to. It's easier to sit in your shit and cry about how you are victimized while you are busy victimizing others. This is the life you've chosen. You have chosen to be unhappy, and to inflict unhappiness on others.

(While this is written for the male gender, your abuser could be a female martyr. Does this sound like your cyberpath/abuser? - EOPC)

Why do YOU Always Have to be Right, Martyr Man?

(this wonderful article can be read in its entirety at THIS SITE. It could be a letter to any of our cyberpaths. We recommend you read the whole thing at the site linked below! - EOPC)

Dear Martyr Man,

You will always be the victim, in every situation where someone tries to get close to you. You cannot relate to women as equals. You look for a strong-willed woman, latch on to her, but envy her strength and ability to express herself openly, so you attack her in vicious little ways. Ways so subtle that you can easily and convincingly deny any wrongdoing and make HER look like the crazy one for even suspecting that you are a passive-aggressive game player.

You played similar games with women before, and this was a chief motivator for their anger and "abuse" towards you. If they struck you physically, that was not right,

but when you paint yourself as a martyr, you *always* fail to mention the emotional and psychological abuse you were inflicting on THEM.

That's right, Martyr. You are an abuser. You. Poor little cringing, eternally victimized you.

"But abusers scream, yell and hit, and I never do that!" you protest. "I'm not that way at all. I don't have the anger gene. I am completely incapable of anger."

What you are incapable of is the truth. But I am capable of the truth and here it is.

You ARE capable of anger. In fact, you are a very angry person, as your father before you must have also been - he is clearly the one upon whom you have modeled your behavior. Like him, you were too intimidated by other people to express your anger openly, so you nursed your rage in secret and struck out instead in subtle little ways. If you were asked to do something, you made sure you "forgot" repeatedly or did a poor job. You no doubt carry this behavior on in your work and it is the reason most of the other employees don't like you. People tend not to like someone who does not do his share of the work and is sullen and resistant to new ideas. They are probably tired of your constant subterfuge and backstabbing. No doubt you also play the divide-and-conquer game, playing people off against one another.

You haven't said much about your mother, but I'll make a few educated guesses. She was a strong-willed woman who dominated you and your father, and you both resented it, but neither of you ever told her so directly. Neither of you had the courage to assert yourselves openly. So you both "got even" with her by lying, false promises, "forgetting" or otherwise sabotaging things she asked you to do, and/or withholding your attention and love.

Your mother was a model for how you view women today. As I have previously said, you go after women with strong, assertive personalities, because they fit your mother's model and because you admire them for the qualities that you yourself lack. However, you also hate them because they are strong and you are weak. Because you cannot assert yourself openly, you play psychological games designed to break them down, subvert their will, and subtly - invisibly - assert YOUR control.

That's right, Martyr Man. You want control. You are not able to control yourself and so you are controlled by others - but you resent it. So you get a feeling of control by manipulating situations with a deft, invisible hand. You "forget" that a woman asked you to do something. You "forget" NOT to do something she finds hurtful or disrespectful.

You remember to do the things YOU enjoy and want to do, and your friends think you're a great guy - the kind of guy who would do anything for his friends! (Of course you would - your reputation depends on maintaining an appearance of kindness and willingness, and anyone who doesn't know you WELL would say what a nice guy you are - you would do anything to maintain that image).... If she does something you REALLY don't like, such as attempt to leave you, you hint around at suicide and disappear, leaving her to agonize for days over your fate. Really, you're off hanging out with your buddies and drinking and having fun, but she doesn't need to know that, does she?

No doubt she has noticed the fact that after your initial, highly romantic and complimentary approach, you do a complete about-face once she's "hooked" - like Jerkily and Hyde. Once she's in a relationship with you, the kind and gentle and loving courtship behavior ceases, and the passive-aggressive battle begins. First, you begin by slowly and subtly creating distance between you - by spending less time with her every day (always her fault, because of something SHE did...) withholding your attention and affection, making sure she gets the message that your friends, your other interests, EVERYTHING else are more important to you than the person you called the love of your life. When she challenges you about this behavior, you deny it, and make her out to be irrational and crazy for even suspecting it. After all, the success of a passive-aggressive campaign depends on secrecy and camouflage.
You lie easily, leaving out little details like a wife you haven't yet legally severed ties to, and children that you almost never see. You haven't got a divorce, and you won't, because even though you hate your wife, you feel chained to her. You are dependent on her. It's a parasitic relationship.... I haven't the faintest doubt you have cheated on her many times and lied to her many times, and that was the real cause of the attack that so wounded you emotionally. You brought it on yourself, but you won't admit that part.

... Yet, you still cling to this desperate delusion that you are incapable of anger.

That's a lie, Mr. Martyr. One of many.

Lies undermine the trust that is vital to all relationships. But you don't care about that as long as you can feel in control. Even when control comes at the expense of love, and that is sad.

Nobody can get close to you, Martyr Man. You'll let them within a certain distance, but then you are frightened by intimacy and of your will being sublimated to another's because deep down inside you know you are not strong enough to assert your own will openly and directly.... You wither under direct confrontation, but when you are able to operate undetected, you are a cruel and effective bully.

Games You Play:

1. The forgetting game:

You are asked to do something you don't want to do. Instead of saying no, you either "forget" about it or sabotage it so badly that the results are useless. You enjoy the frustration this causes others - this is your sneaky way of asserting yourself and controlling the situation from behind the scenes.

2. The withholding game:

Once in a relationship with someone, you begin to selectively withhold your time and affection. The other person senses this pulling away and asks about it. You deny it. But you let them know, indirectly, that many other things are more important to you than they are - your friends, your work, your opera DVDs. You let them know this by leaving their company to pursue these interests without telling them you are doing so. You enjoy the feeling of being in control, knowing you have falsely promised someone your attention later in the evening and knowing you have no intention of fulfilling that promise. You will "forget" to come back, and enjoy your evening alone knowing you are ruining someone else's. When the person confronts you about this treatment, you will act put out at the suggestion that your actions should live up to your words. You just can't remember to keep your promises!

.... You know full well that thist the way you like your partner to feel - that way she will be more dependent on you, desperate for your attention, and under your control.

3. The lying game:

Lies roll smoothly off your tongue whenever you are confronted about your behavior and/or something you failed to mention about your past, such as being currently married and the father of two children (now that is a big thing to "forget", even if you alienated them so badly that they don't want to spend any time with you any more). Lying by omission is lying, pure and simple. But you didn't lie on purpose, you claim. No, you just forgot, or your emotional pain was so great that you just couldn't bear to tell the truth!

4. The deflecting game:

Partner becoming suspicious of your lies? No matter, just deflect the attention! Change the subject, wander off, or start ruthlessly (and falsely) putting yourself down so that she won't have the heart to be "mean" enough to pursue the matter any further. If she persists, then you play:

5. The martyr game:

This is your favorite game of all. This game allows you to escape responsibility for anything and everything by invoking your status as the most misunderstood, mistreated, helpless and victimized martyr who ever walked the earth. Nobody understands you or your pain! Don't they see that being a victim completely justifies the way you turn around and become a victimizer at will? Nobody could ever suspect poor little abused, tormented you of torpedoing relationships.

Nobody could expect such an innocent little lamb of deliberately causing emotional and psychological damage to others. Why, look at the way he cries and curls up into a helpless little ball when confronted (and when the lying and deflecting games don't work)! He could never harm ANYONE.

.... The Martyr has no pity or compassion for anyone else, since he saves it all for himself.

6. The superior game:

Unlike all the other people on Earth, you're incapable of anger. You're a regular Gandhi, full of kindness and respect for all, and it's such a tragedy that other people feel the need to get angry at you. You'd never push someone's buttons until they responded in anger and then deny any wrongdoing, setting them up to look like the emotional, crazy one. You'd never get satisfaction out of a nasty little game like that, because you're too superior. You're also superior to the rest of the world culturally - nobody is as sensitive and artistic as you, and nobody appreciates your kind of music, or appreciates it at such a lofty level. You especially love to pull this routine after you've seriously pissed somebody off. You respond with calm politeness - calm of course, since you have got the angry/upset reaction you were aiming for - and double-whammy the person by showing them how YOU never get angry because you are too superior a person to be capable of anger. ...
No wonder you're so angry at being unmasked publicly. Your games depend on your victim not knowing what's going on.

You are not interested in confronting your problems or getting any help for them. You'd rather just float through life like a spineless jellyfish, stinging anyone who ventures too near. Your behavior patterns are firmly entrenched and you are too old to change.

I have no doubt you will continue this behavior pattern with the next woman you meet, and you will continue it until you drive her away, too. You like to drive women away - like to get them so fed up that they leave. That feeds your sickness in a number of ways:

it takes the burden of decision-making off of YOU;

* it enables you to play the martyr over being left by this cruel, horrible woman;
* it gets you sympathy from your next prospect.

You like hurting other people and you have no intention of changing.

And don't bother with the "I'm a wonderful sensitive human being who would never cause anyone harm; you've misunderstood me". Oh no. I have not. I have understood you at last.

I understand now how you messed with my mind and made me even fear for my own sanity, how you exploited me emotionally, how you hurt me to the point where I actually felt suicidal. (Dorsky, Campbell, Jacoby, Thomas and YidwithLid's targets all mentioned this, readers!)
..... It's called PROJECTION. It's what YOU would do in such a situation, so you project your own screwed up motives onto others.

For someone who is so wounded, so sensitive, so compassionate, so victimized, so gentle - your letters bristle with anger, threats, and nastiness. I thought you were incapable of such things, Gandhi. And you sure are lacking in any compassion at all for the women you've tormented - you have none for your wife and you have none for me. And no doubt you'll have none for your next victim.

You chose your life, and you choose to be this way. You choose it every day. You could change, and learn to be a person of truth, strength and integrity, but you choose not to. It's easier to sit in your shit and cry about how you are victimized while you are busy victimizing others. This is the life you've chosen. You have chosen to be unhappy, and to inflict unhappiness on others.

(While this is written for the male gender, your abuser could be a female martyr. Does this sound like your cyberpath/abuser? - EOPC)

Doug Beckstead - More Excuses Than A Disgraced Politician

Let's read some of the wit & charm (and WORD SALAD) in our review of former Predator of the Month, Doug Beckstead. (See if you know an online "friend" like this!)
Beckstead loves bending his targets' ears with his 'tales of woe', his tales of his 'so busy & popular life' (so busy & popular he's online looking for decent women to target), his tales of how he was 'in law enforcement' (rrriiiiigggghhhhttt -- EOPC checked around for information to back this up. NONE WAS THERE. It was a fabrication or embellishment on Beckstead's part).

Doug's just 'so good with his family, friends and life in general' (so good that all EOPC saw was his whining & moaning about how lonely & unfulfilled he was. Including some mean spirited comments about his wife).

Who wouldn't want to be a part of this predator.... er, man's life after the rosy picture he painted of himself ?

He tries to portray a very normal picture of himself, he's "oh so busy" and has "oh so many friends" that want his time & energy. Why he's more popular than the ice cream truck in August isn't he?

Or is he?

One of the targets that contacted us was kind enough to share some of the email Beckstead sent her. (as always our comments are in Dark Blue)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From: "Doug Beckstead"
To: XXXX
Subject: Okay, Here's a Long Answer to Your Long E-Mail

Good afternoon!

Well, this has been a real hectic day and I still feel like I have gotten absolutely nothing accomplished. I am soooooo frustrated with it. On top of all that, this morning I called home and XXX answered the phone "House of Pain. How can we hurt you?" (Cyberpaths get off on hurting people - but look out if you hurt them!)

It caught me totally off guard until she put XXX on the phone and she explained that she had fallen on the ice last night and injured her ankle and leg. She called the doctor this morning and he ordered up some x-rays at the hospital and asked her to bring them over to his office.

Just after lunch I got a call from the doctor (XXX was in the office and I talked to her too). Apparently she's got a sprained ankle and a broken leg!!! It looks like she broke the same bone you did except she broke it at the top of the bone near the knee not at the bottom by the ankle where it is generally broken. So, I'm heading to Anchorage in the morning instead of on Thursday night.

But, in the mean time I am going to answer what I think are your questions in your long e-mail. I printed it out and used my highlighter to make sure that I get what I think are all of the major points answered. If I miss any, please let me know. (And I am going to run the printed copy through the shredder when I'm done so there is no need to worry about someone in the office coming across it or something.) (oh come on Doug!! You will miss anything that's too pointed and asking you for a little honesty, right?)

Okay, here goes .......... (look out... here it comes) First, your comment about feeling like you're walking on eggshells pretty much sums up what's happening with me too. (blame shifting - he's using her and her gut is telling her he's playing her - watch him twist her mind. The targets of his that contacted us - he did the SAME thing with mild variations to each & every one!) For the last several month, it seems that if I don't respond to an e-mail right away, or if something happens that keeps me from getting on the computer when I said I would try to get on, generally results in some sort of angry response coming my way with statements about how I've lied to you or I must have something better to do with my time and have pushed you off to the side. All I am asking for is a bit of compassion here and some understanding that sometimes things get in the way of being able to read e-mails, open e-cards, or meeting on MSN. I realize that it seems like that is happening more and more over the last six months and I agree, it does seem like it has been happening more frequently. But, I do not know why it is, nor do I know what I can do to change it. (Target was walking on eggshells - with a Narcissistic Cyberpath. But notice how Doug does what they all do! Like Hicks, Dunetz/ Yidwithlid, Dorsky, Thomas - they are just ssoooooooo busy - how dare a Target ask for the same amount of consideration they expect from them? Excuses, Excuses, Excuses!!

BUT - if a Target decides they have had enough of it? And they ask Beckstead - or any cyberpath - for the same in return? It's like you asked for their kidney with no anesthesia. The Cyberpath does NOT want his victims to fall too far out of his "control zone." How DARE they ask for accountability from the Predator, like Beckstead! Major Red Flag. He needs them where he can play them like puppets... not somewhere they may get a clue that he's a compulsive liar & user.

Besides Beckstead is an ATTENTION HOG. He doesn't just like attention - HE HAS TO HAVE IT ALL!)

I explained that the e-cards, although I do enjoy them, are something that I cannot open at work. Sometimes they get lost in the shuffle with other e-mails coming in. (The I-Am-Mr. Popular excuse! gag...)

Recently my friend in Washington DC sent me about 50 forwarded news articles from the Washington Post (the local newspaper back there). When he does that, everything gets shuffled down a few pages in my Hotmail box and sometimes things get overlooked. I try to answer all of your e-mails and I try to open all of the e-cards when I get them. If they happen to land in my box before one of his mass mailings, then sometimes I don't think to scroll down the list and back through the pages. Please understand this. I realize that you have taken time to make sure you are on the computer when we are trying to meet up, but sometimes things do happen. There have been times when I've come online and you have not been there and I simply chalk it up to you had something else that took you away and leave it at that. I don't get upset and I sure don't hold it against you. (Of course not! One less Target to juggle for Doug!! Why you'd think he was 007 with all these people who need him! How about - 'I forget when I am cybering with one of the other gals I have on a string telling them "I LOVE YOU & ONLY YOU" too'.)

A prime example is when ******** had her surgery. When I didn't hear from you I just figured, "Okay, things are not going as well as expected and she'll get to me when she can." I knew that it would not do any good to get upset because I had no control over what was happening on your end. (Cyberpaths love to take YOUR personal information and deepest thoughts and turn it on you. But if you do it to them - look out! Incoming!)

Moving on to the next part … I made the comment about being "backed into a corner" because that is the way I've been feeling for a while. No matter how I try and explain the situation, I keep being asked about making plans to come to ********* for a visit. While it is something that I would very much like to do, and something that I have every intention of doing at some point in the future, I cannot commit to coming down by a certain date (month, year, etc.). (oh of COURSE not, why meet someone when toying with her online is so much more fun! Just keep leading her on thinking you are coming to visit her and thank GOODNESS they are either in another country or thousands of miles away, phew!)

As we've talked about before, I am working two jobs in an attempt to make ends meet up here. There isn't disposable income ("at the end of the day" to coin that wonderful **** phrase you use so much) to permit me to lay solid plans for coming down there. There isn't much that I can give up that could go into the bank for such a trip. I'm already cut to the bare bones. If things change in the near future (or the far future) that could very well change and I can come down. But, for now it is something that I cannot promise. The last thing I want to do is to get your hopes up by saying I'll be there and then have you let down because I couldn't do it. (the LAST thing? Notice how GALLANT he is! Sounds like Dunetz/ YidwithLid or Thomas! Couldn't be more full of **** if he tried.)

Again, I'm trying to remain realistic so neither of us gets shot down. (NEITHER? and REALISTIC? Beckstead? LOL!) This does not mean that I have not got the same feelings about you as you do me. Nor does it mean that I do not have the intention of coming down to meet you. I do not think that you are trying to railroad me into any "shotgun wedding" or anything like that, nor do I think you are looking for a meal ticket nor a father for your kids. I have never suspected anything like that on your part. I know you would never think that nor expect that. Granted, there are folks like that on the Internet in the chat sites, but I've sensed all along that you are genuine in what you say. A bit on the timid and secretive side, but honest and genuine at the same time. (he had to get that SECRETIVE dig in, did ya' see that?

But here's PROOF that Beckstead was CONFIRMING (lying) to her, and all of them, that he FELT THE SAME, emotionally - as his prey. Of course now he says they 'misread his intentions' and are 'scorned' - bullpocky! He VALIDATED, ENCOURAGED and INITIATED the online romance.

Of course, that's projection - the secretive one is him. Cyberpaths will say things like this to get YOU to give up your secrets but they have zero intention of giving up theirs. They never tell the truth - even to themselves. Its all a big game to them - while they expect you to believe every word they say as gospel -- or else!)

As for taking the next step in our relationship, I would like for nothing more than to do that. I am just as frustrated as you are, probably even more so because I want to come down south really bad. Again, it's just the reality of the situation that is preventing us from being able to pull it off. Yes, I have pulled back sexually. (pulled back or too many women online? like all narcissists: the truth is - he got BORED) I tried to explain it during our conversation Friday night. It is in part because of my confusion of not knowing what was happening with our relationship, whether it was on or off, and for how long it would be on again before it was off again. And it is also because I have been very tired at times when things got a bit "worked up." Believe me, that is not something that I ever wanted to have to admit to, being too tired for sex! That's something that happens to old people, not me!!! There have been some comments made over the last few months that have really stung me. The comments about "stroking my ego" and how I am "so full of [my]self" really hurt. Those more than anything were like a cold slap in the face. And they've come on more than one occasion several months apart. When I am told things like that, I have to really wonder if that is how you really feel. (awwww Doug, wahhh wahhh wahhh - guilt tripping!)

My statement about sitting back and "patiently waiting" was what I planned to do because I knew that you have been under a lot of stress at home from a variety of fronts. First with ********* surgery, then with the problems with *****, and finally with the anniversary of your mother's death all hitting at the same time. I knew it a long time ago that things would start getting rocky. So, the best way for me to deal with it was going to be to try and remain in the background, offering the support I could, and let you work your way through it. There really wasn't much else that I could do. If I tried responding to your e-mails then I would have just inflamed the situation even more and that would have done no good for anyone. (wow this sounds like Dunetz/ Yidwithlid who ran away when Target #1s estranged husband started hacking her computer and found out about him. And then Target #1 was being seriously abused BECAUSE OF HIM and needs his support - he says: "its best if I leave"...

And Hicks with his "its for the best" -- Best for WHO, guys?)

It was a big relief to me when you called. I had planned on letting it go for a couple of days then either calling you or writing you. (sssuuuurrreeee you did) I just didn't want to push. I am not an aggressive type of guy when it comes to relationships. (why should he be when the internet provides endless supply) I've learned over the years that it doesn't do any good and in fact can really cause some permanent damage if I do start acting that way. (you've already done permanent damage, you predator) So, that's what you get with me. Yes I still want you in my life. I don't understand why you would ask something like that in the first place. I don't know what I can realistically do to make it any more clear to you. I do love you and I do care greatly for you and your kids. (And, as I said before, I don't think you are looking for a meal ticket or anything like that – but if I could, I'd be proud to serve as a surrogate father for your kids too!) Perhaps things have dropped down a rung or two but there is no reason why they cannot climb right back up. But, the way I feel about you has not changed. (Doug doesn't want to lose any one of his "toys" er.... online girlfriends)

After the holidays, after I get back from Anchorage, I'll try to make more time to talk with you between jobs and on my day off. But, I do not want, nor do I expect you to make any changes in your life to accommodate me. I realize you want to and you are willing to do so, but as I said at the outset, there are times when things come up and our lives just take us to other places for the time being. And sometimes our families need time with us too.

One good thing is that I am still looking for a new place to live. That will make it a lot easier for talking on the phone, etc. as well because I will have my own place, my own phone and my own connection to the Internet without having anyone else muddling around with it. (muddling? another excuse?)

A friend of mine in the office is moving to Anchorage in March and I'm already talking with him about possibly renting his cabin after he's gone. I have to get over and see it, and talk with the landlord, etc. about a couple of things I'd like to try and do (like installing a shower for one!). But if that works out, then it will be a really good deal for me. Not only will I have my own place, but it also has a wonderful view from what XXX has said. In the mean time, he's going to Belize for six weeks as a graduation present for himself (he just finished his Master's degree).

I know some of this is not what you want to hear, but I'm trying to be totally honest with you here. (only liars use phrases like "I am being totally honest" or "this is a true story" or "I am not lying to you" -- its an NLP imbedded command to get you to believe them!) I don't want to make any promises that I might not be able to keep. I don't want to set you up for more hurt. (because then you might get wise to me) You mean as much to me as anyone else in the world (even my kids) and that is a whole lot. (rrrriiiiigggghhhtttt. Again, setting this particular Target up for guilt for ever doubting him!) I don't want anything to change between us, but I do hope that you understand where I am coming from with all of this. In the mean time, I think I'd better wrap up here and get ready to head over to my other job. I decided to stay at the office today and put in some more time so I could leave early on Thursday. But now since I have to leave tomorrow it really doesn't matter anymore anyway.

At least it gave me the time to sit down, uninterrupted, and answer your e-mail. I will try and check my e-mail when I get home tonight. But, I also have to get packed and everything to head south in the morning. And, I hope to get a good night's sleep in the meantime. The roads are pretty icy so I need my wits about me. I'll send you a note when I get down there (but it might not be until Thursday (your Friday)). I'll let you know what happens.

I love you and you are a big part of my life. I don't want that to change. (because if I give you too much space, breathing room and time to THINK - you might have enough time to see what a sociopathic tale-teller I am)

Love, Doug

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
perhaps it is because he has stopped to fix
something with duct tape.

— Henry David Thorough

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OOO Aren't we oh so profound? and humorous?


Here's an earlier one from the most honest man in Alaska!

From: "Doug Beckstead"
To: XXX
Subject: RE: Status

Hi!

I got your e-mails from today. It is not me that is cold, heartless and turning my back on you. (blame shifting, guilting -- in one short sentence! .... sound familiar readers?)

That is something that you have created in your mind. (and now GASLIGHTING)

I have been subjected to insults, called a liar, and every other name in the book over and over by you. All for no reason whatsoever. As for why things can't go back to where they were before, well, read the fourth sentence again. (all for no reason? according to who? Notice how he doesn't even try to apologize!! just talks about his anger and his hurt feelings)

I got your e-mail last night but did not respond because my body is trying to adapt to the change in my blood pressure medication. It's causing some really weird side-effects. On the up side, it's dropped my bp by 30 to 40 points. On the down side it looks like I'm probably not drinking enough fluid right now so I have to increase that to get back on an even keel. (sympathy ploy - another big one with Cyberpaths and other men who have online or offline affairs. THEY are sick, the wife/ kids are sick... not ONE word about the Target's state of mind! There's that cyberpath's zero empathy effect!!)

Things are very hectic here with the full house. XXX and XXX are heading home on Saturday morning. I'm not looking forward to their leaving. I'm having a really good time with them.
(whoa, Beckstead went from indignant -- to wanting sympathy for his health -- to how busy he is. Notice how he's training this Target to feel guilty for questioning him & to just DROP it whenever he seems like he might just pull away. It's: All Doug All The Time!)

Hugs,
Doug
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dolor temporarius.
Gloria aeterna.
Cicatrices virginibus placent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yet another missive from Beckstead

From: "Doug Beckstead"
To: XXX
Subject: HI!!!

Hi there!

I'm sorry I dropped off the face of the earth! The Internet in our dorms/hotel has been down for the last six days! It has been soooooo frustrating not to be able to check our e-mail. But, it looks like it's back up now. (anyone else seeing a pattern of excuses? Doug seems to be just loaded with them. Martyr Man)

In the event that you're checking your mail now, I just wanted to send off a quick note while I run downstairs and put my laundry in the machine. I'm hoping to get it done early tonight. (don't forget about me because I need to not give you time to breathe and realize I am messing with your mind! I need to reel you back in! Get you back in my CONTROL ZONE)

Love and hugs!
Doug

PS: I see that there are a few e-mails (and cards) from you. I just want to get this on its way before I look at those.
(How about "I already looked at them - They were good! I may cut, paste and use them to send along to my other targets.... er friends..."?)

For those of you who've read this site for a while - Doug's a real classic - This probably all sounds sickeningly familiar.

Beckstead remained demanding and belligerent of his targets time, yet when the shoe was on the other foot? Nothing. He gave back nothing in return other than grief! Even when his targets figure him out and make it clear to him to "STAY AWAY"? Beckstead's reaction: he claimed to be "amused." (misogynistic reaction) Then he just carries on with the projection and blame shifting. Beckstead accepts NO, ZERO responsibility what-so-ever. (none of them ever do.) A clear sign of mental pathology!