Should Victims Embrace Docile Victimhood? Or Fight Back?

For all victims & those who tell them to "get over it" and "move on":


by writer Kathy Kracjo

I am death on people telling the victim that it's a sin to fight back. They are pressuring the victim to do the very thing that causes victims to suffer terrible shame in the aftermath of abuse -- give themselves up to it.

That shame we feel at doing so is an infallible indicator that it's wrong. No one needs a book or a preacher to tell them what's right and wrong. We KNOW that's wrong. Deep down inside we feel how wrong it is to give ourselves up to abuse. Doing so makes us feel like a worm. A doormat. We know it's lack of backbone. We sense the prostitution in it. We feel utterly degraded by it.

The only excuse for it is being subjected to overwhelming force so that we haven't the power to resist. Which is rape. Which is why we feel deeply violated by it. Whether it's sexual rape or any other kind.

So, we know that we must resist when we can. If only for the sake of our self respect.

And anyone who tells us that we shouldn't fight the aggressor might as well order us to be a self masochist who injures himself.

They are pressuring the victim to prostitute themselves to abuse. How degrading! They are pressuring the victim to do what causes a human being unbearable shame. How cruel! They are pressuring the victim to do what goes against the laws of nature, our instinct for self preservation. They are pressuring the victim to commit the worst breech of faith, the worst betrayal, there is -- treason against your very self by delivering yourself up to abuse.

That's what Joan of Arc called it -- "treason," "wretched treason." She preferred the stake.

If it would be wrong to surrender another person for abuse, why should it be right to surrender yourself to abuse?

Trying to force the victim to do that is what the narcissist does! It's bad enough to abuse someone, but when you become so sadistic that you make them bend over for it on top of it all, you have crossed the line into extreme perversity, the Sin of Sodom.

Docile victimhood is NOT a virtue, and people who think it is are devoid of moral sense. They are people who don't think about what they say any more than a parrot does. Nothing proves that easier than to just then ask them, "Well what if the abuse happenes to be sexual rape? Do you say the victim should bend over for it?"

Certainly not! These are the same folks who would say that a woman who bent over for it liked it and was a whore. They would say she must fight tooth and nail.

And that's just as stupid, because sometimes she doesn't dare fight. If she did, she'd get killed.

There are few ways that the victim of narcissistic abuse can fight back, especially when the victim is a child.

And whenever the victim does find a way to put up a resistance, there is always some holier-than-thou around to tell him or her that it's a sin.

You can't do that to people. That puts them in an impossible situation. That's what breaks minds.

Horrifying example. A kid is getting bullied at school. He periodically gets his head flushed in a toilet, while the "innocent" bystanders watch and laugh. He gets his lunch money stolen daily.

Now, would you willingly walk into a place where you know that someone is waiting for you to abuse you? Of course not. But we expect him to. So, when he skips school, he gets punished. We thus force him to present himself there daily for abuse. If he doesn't it's a sin.

So he punches the bully. Oh-oh. Now he committed another sin. He gets punished for that too, because "violence" (which force used in self defense ain't) is a sin.

So, he resorts to the last resort, the really stupid thing: he tells the counsellors about the abuse. They have "a talk" with the bully. Now the bully punishes him for that by escalating the abuse.

What is that kid going to do? We are forcing him to offer himself up for abuse like a sacrificial vicitm every single day.

Something's gotta give. He will decide to kill himself, and he may well decide to take others with him.

You can't force people to docilely submit to abuse. That's the most odious thing you can do to a human being. You are subjecting him to a slavery more odious and profound than that of the slaves, a kind of slavery we haven't seen since the macabre executions of the Middle Ages = slavery as someone else's property for the purpose of vicitimization.

Indeed, the victim isn't his own property if you deny his free will to the the extent that you deny him the right even to self preservation.

Those who think the Bible demands this had better re-read it. And study what the scholars have found and Church authorities have admitted -- how long after the events it was written, whom it was really written by, and how much it's been edited and added to since.

And applying a little common sense doesn't hurt either. For example, if Jesus thought defending yourself is a sin, why does scripture mention in several places that the apostles were armed? Duh, they were his bodyguards. And of course he told the three of them with him to put up their swords when he was captured -- because they were vastly outnumbered and just would have gotten killed. Interpreting that action as some sort of general prohibition again the use the use of force is absurd.

Common sense, common sense, common sense. There is nothing more dangerous than words of scripture in a mouth with its brain turned off.

Very often the victim can't fight back. At least not without that resistence resulting in greater harm to himself. But whenever he can, he has every right to. Indeed, the only morality a bully knows is a punch in the nose. It does work.

And the victims of a narcissist's abuse through character asssination have every right to accuse their accuser, to point the accusing finger right back at the narcissist to show that it's all projection. That's the victim's only defense! He or she should not be treated as though they are the attacker.

Character assassination is not nothing. It is character ASSASSINATION. I call it the abuse that keeps on abusing for the rest of that person's life. A crime in progress for the rest of that person's life, because that bad reputation pursues and continually damages the victim for the rest of their life. The victim has every right to defend himself from this ongoing abuse in whatever way he can.

SOURCE

NOTE: When other website owners find the need to participate in a smear campaign about a victim of someone else on their site -- members need to think twice. Especially support & recovery sites.

Especially when they elevate that predator to special status. How hateful.

Now ask yourself, why is it SO IMPORTANT to smear and attack someone for speaking their truth? If it really was all B.S. you'd let things stand because it would be so important. And to those who fall away because they are afraid to still be friends with the victims? Shame on you.

Innocence seldom utters outraged shrieks. Guilt does.
~ Whittaker Chambers

THOUGHTS ABOUT CYBERPATHS FROM VICTIMS & PROFESSIONALS

Here on EOPC, in our margins, we have quotes from victims of Cyberpaths and professionals dealing with Cyberpaths' victims as well as thoughts on the long term after-effects of their attacks.

You may have read them elsewhere, you may not. We think they're important and powerful enough to include here so you can read them in their entirety - EOPC

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FROM VICTIMS:
"The potential for damage is overwhelming. Overnight, many lives are turned inside out when it has been revealed that the person that you gave your love and your complete trust to has betrayed you. The emotional and financial scars are deep"--- Target of Julia-Bish-Judah-Hunt-McGovern

"I will gain strength, become a stronger and much wiser person from this devastating experience, but it will never be over. It will be with me for the remainder of my days on Earth. I will forever be changed by this most ultimate & intimate of betrayals... They throw us away like an old pair of shoes; and like the predators they are, they quickly move on to their next victim. The magnitude of the lies cannot be imagined by anyone unless you have lived this nightmare"--Target of Ed Hicks

"Everything was a lie. [He] took away my ability to trust, and he ruined me financially"-- Target of Ed Hicks

"I will never trust anyone else after this. My heart is closed now and I think I don't want to get to know ANYONE else... I feel so used! A million showers won't clean my body from this snake's touch!" -- Target of Nathan E.B. Thomas, Jr.

"I prayed I was just overly sensitive because of my years of being in one abusive relationship after another. Even now I find it difficult to fathom how you can give so much of yourself to a person and have them so totally wipe it all away as if it never happened with no remorse & go on their merry way leaving a path of destruction & half-truths behind them. Yes, I was very wrong for my part but it was more than just cybersex - there was some good profound dialog. Realizing someone you have known for so long, spent so much time talking with, did it ALL just to USE you is horrifying. The grief is no ordinary grief.

"After distancing himself from me, he can now tell stories, all of which are factually twisted, with the spin (telling people I 'am harassing him or his family'!) to make him look the victim. He sickens me. It's nothing less than soul murder." --Target of Jeff Dunetz aka Yidwithlid.

"When a couple of his other online "ladies" and then his wife contacted me I was in shock. Deep shock. I asked them to send me pictures because I couldn't believe it was the same person I'd been chatting with! The only things that were consistent were the lies. The seduction and the cybersex scenarios. They were exactly the same. But he'd painted a slightly different picture of himself with all of us! He told me he hated porn; but he had a computer FULL of it. He told me and the other women he wasn't in love with his wife anymore but during the relationships he and his wife had had a re-marriage ceremony and lavish reception! He told me he'd never cheated on his wife but we all found out he'd had a couple girlfriends at jobs he'd had. He painted himself as devoted to his family but he had online ads for sex partners, swinger parties and online dating sites for a number of years before I came in the picture. How he kept it all straight I will never know!" - Anonymous Victim

"...for the first time in our relationship, I began to cry. I realized he was a TOTAL fraud. He said he "was looking for the right girl" in his dating profile. I thought, "how could he say that when he told me I was right for him?" I had changed myself at his direction and was at the point of exhaustion... I was horrified by the fact he used the SAME EXACT language in the profile as he did online! ...he threw me away, all the while BLAMING ME for not being "good enough." How could this person call himself moral ... when he was a complete liar. -- Target of Brad Dorsky

"[He] included EVERYTHING that was missing from my life, as if he could read my thoughts and make my wishes come true. I can see now he really studied me well and became "my perfect mirror." He knew exactly what to say to make me feel good; especially after being in an abusive marriage for so long with no attention from my husband. This man "love bombed" me and I didn't even know what hit me! -- Target of Keith Clive

"Being lied to is a hurtful thing. Being conned by someone you love is a devastating thing. You find that the facade .... was lies on his part; and how empty & meaningless [you were to him]. It hits below the belt and it scars you emotionally, financially... You become a laughingstock... Some say I am obsessed with this man, but in reality, I am obsessed with getting justice done. There can be no closure on this until that happens. Even then I will never trust anyone whole heartedly with my love, my life or my money again. ...all I wanted was to be loved, and he turned that into a crime that suited his needs." -- Target of William Michael Barber

"People kept telling me to "get over it" and "move on" - I tried but I couldn't. The online relationship was about 2 years and it took another 2 after it ended for me to feel a little better and sleep at night. It took about 4 years before I stopped thinking about him every day and almost 5 years to get my life back. Everyone, even HE, said I was "fixated & obsessed." Until a counselor told me about mind control, neurolinguistic programming and pointed out the powerful online seduction techniques that had been used on me. I realized; it wasn't just a bad relationship! He'd 'indoctrinated' me slowly over time and I needed to deprogram; like I'd been in a cult! Family & Friends may never understand but I do. My brain & body felt different. I would do and say things I with him I knew I would never have done under normal circumstances. I was being controlled like a puppet! And would never have believed it if it hadn't happened to me. - Anonymous Victim

"While doubters may still find it dubious that on-line romance could ever take the place of a real relationship, the husbands & wives of Net-addicts are discovering that cybersex can pose a direct threat to their marriages.

"...We went through it and a little while later [my cybersex partner]messaged me and said, 'If I message you again & ask you if we had sex, say no, OK?' I said, 'Sure, why?' She said her husband is very jealous and comes on-line when she's on, to make sure she isn't netsexxing."

....Pearl's husband was not as lucky.
"My ex-husband, Lee, would vanish into the basement every night for hours, saying he had brought home a lot of paperwork from the office. We missed a lot of parties and family events, but I never questioned it. I felt sorry for the poor guy, working so hard to give me and the kids some extras. Then, one day when I was cleaning out the room, I found a sheet of paper under the desk with a love-letter printed on it." Pearl was even more traumatized when she turned on his PC and found a sub-directory filled with HUNDREDS of love-letters from different women, addressing her husband as "Prince Charming."

"The Prince lost his castle," Pearl says sourly. "I changed the locks on him and filed for divorce."

Carl Salisbury, an attorney at Killian & Salisbury in East Hanover, NJ, who specializes in electronic law, notes that cybersex-related suits are showing up increasingly in American courts. "There was a case in Maryland where a MacDonald's franchise had an email system," says Salisbury. "One of their employees was having an email affair with another employee, who was married. The manager screened their email and showed it to the married guy's wife!" When the married man sued his manager and MacDonald's for breach of privacy, the courts ruled that the manager was within his rights to view employee email. And, as the cyber-population booms ...we can expect to see more irate spouses filing for divorce with on-line infidelity as grounds. "It's inevitable that we're going to be seeing more & more divorce cases as a result of cybersex," says Salisbury. "There's such an enormous amount--and variety--of activity going on the Net and the Web, and the variety increases literally every day."-- HOW TO HAVE CYBERSEX - Gloria G. Brame

"It's a trap. Your imagination fills in the blanks with exactly what you want. You don't learn more with more rounds of writing. All you do is invest more emotional energy, for which there is no payoff." Joe Teig, New York, NY

FROM PROFESSIONALS:
"We now understand that women & men are not "crazy" or "defective" when, in response to trauma, they develop PTSD symptoms, including insomnia, flashbacks, phobias, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, dissociation, a numbed toughness, amnesia, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-mutilation and social withdrawal. - Phyllis Chesler, MD

"We hear about Internet predators for children, I don't think we're hearing very much about Internet predators for middle age women at all. And that bothers me," -- SANDRA PHIPPS

"When [ ] predators are found using the Internet a common response of the Internet industry and government officials is to blame someone else, or say that nothing can be done to stop it." -- Donna M. Hughes, PhD; Univ. of Rhode Island

"We must do whatever it takes to minimize or eliminate [the predator's] access to vulnerable prey as targets of opportunity. Period. For ever. Indeed, these people will thank us for it. Consider how many [cyberpaths] deliberately get themselves caught just to stop themselves." - Kathy Krajco

"[APOLOGIES] are not some pious, phoney-baloney, half-hearted rendition of what you think they want to hear. Nor is it a watered-down, politically correct 'confession' that you think will buy you closure at the expense of truth... [admit] what you are doing to screw up your life. This also means admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you're doing, however sick or subtle those payoffs are. - Dr. Phil McGraw"

"[Online Predators] count on our shame to keep their secrets. They know that exposing them means exposing our own failings. That's what makes them so powerful. They manipulate us into these situations then sit back & watch us squirm between protecting ourselves or blowing the whistle. The [victim often] is still emotionally connected to the [Cyberpath], thus protecting them and accusing them alternatively. Many [victim]s will not name their [cyberpath]s to counsellors or other helpers, thus protecting their identity. The hook, which the [Cyberpath] has implanted in their heart, is hard to remove. If you want something to cry about, cry for the [Cyberpath]'s new victim(s), the innocent, unmarked, un-inoculated prey. These victims are carefully chosen... - Mary Ann Borg Cunen"

"Internet dating is populated, to a large degree, by criminals and married people. Estimates have gone up to 30% that online daters are married. That represents an emotional risk to our membership base." - Herb Vest, CEO of True.com

"How do we go from fantasy to reality? Lots of people have private fantasies that give them some sort of pleasure and maybe even trouble them, but they don't act on them. I think one of the contributory facts-- it's not the only one-- is the insidious nature of the internet itself. I think there are three things that are problematic about the Internet, or at least three things. One is the easy accessibility. You don't, in the beginning at least, have to go anywhere. You just push a button that's sitting there next to you.

Secondly, there's this illusion of anonymity, which can be very disinhibiting. You feel as though you're there in the privacy of your bedroom. It's not that private, but you don't sense that at the time. And thirdly, there is a distortion of reality and fantasy to some extent. That people feel as though they're playing a game. They're making up who they are. They wonder if someone else is giving a false persona. They begin to do things that in the light of day they might never have done and then, ultimately and sadly, sometimes cross a line that they might not otherwise have crossed. Where do they get the message [the internet] is where you can go? We've created a "we versus they" mentality. And I understand that what they do is offensive. It's aggravating. It makes me angry. But we're not going to solve the problem by pushing it further underground." - Dr. Fred Berlin, Psychiatrist, Johns Hopkins University on "DATELINE NBC"

"I love words. I believe in the power of words. I believe that if truthful words are spoken, written, shared, they will be heard, and they will be answered. Not with a [cyberpath]. You get sucker-punched in trying to explain something. There is no response to what is said. Words are deflected, twisted, questions answered with questions, non sequitors abound." - NarcissisticAbuse.com

"This is the classic emotional rape scenario: the use of a higher emotion (such as love) to fulfill a hidden agenda... There can be no hidden agendas in real love. These features, even if identified in retrospect, can help victims understand what has happened to them, giving them a chance of real recovery. - Dr. Mike Fox, The Emotional Rape Syndrome

"Powerful and sneaky people use apologies as end runs around repentance. They betray a trust; and, when they have been found out, they say they are sorry for "mistakes in judgement"... They get by only because we have lost our sense of the difference between repentance for wrong and apologies for bungling... We should not let each other get away with it. A deep and unfair hurt is not a mere faux pas. We cannot put up with everything from everyone; some things are intolerable. When someone hurts us deeply and unfairly an apology will not do the job; it only trivializes a wrong that should not be trifled with." -- -Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgive and Forget"

"The [exposed Cyberpath] on the other hand, cannot rest until they have blotted out a vaguely experienced [target] who dared to oppose them, [expose them], to disagree with them or to outshine them. [The Cyberpath] can never find rest because they can NEVER FULLY wipe out the evidence that has contradicted their conviction they are unique and perfect and handled things appropriately. This archaic rage goes on and on and on." - Dr. Ernest Wolf

The sexual relationship with the [cyberpath] is most peculiar. [Cyberpath]s are exhibitionists and sex is just one further means of being admired to her or him. There does not exist intimacy and you will frequently feel used.

Your own sexual preferences will be boycotted or twisted. [Cyberpath]s have a strong tendency to sexually abuse a partner. Here is a list of just some of these abusive behaviors:

• The [cyberpath] pretends to be sexual for you but is after her/his gratification only
• Your sexual past is being torn apart
• You are being told that all you want is sex (although you know this is not the case, however sex is central to the [cyberpath])
• The [cyberpath] instigates sex (like telling you erotic things and sending you pictures or emails which are sexual) but then decides last minute that nothing is to take place
• You are feeling humiliated and yet the narcissist claims that (s)he has been humiliated
• The [cyberpath] instigates and turns everything into a sexual game (without informing you he/ she only sees it as a GAME)
  
• The [cyberpath] encourages you to have sexual relations with everybody although the [cyberpath] has a strong tendency to flirt with others and to be unfaithful
• The narcissist makes fun of or distorts your sexuality after using you for his own gratification (e.g. you are fat, you're bisexual or have ugly breasts)
• The [cyberpath] wants to try out everything possible
• The [cyberpath] is an exhibitionist and will send you explicit photos of himself

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There is another form of sexual abuse. In fact, so I believe, it is the most common one, and hence it took me so long to get it. This form of abuse comes in four stages:

• Firstly, the victim will be coaxed to reveal her or his sexual preferences and experiences to the perpetrator.
• Secondly, the perpetrator will condition the victim to direct her or his entire sexuality towards the perpetrator. At this stage, the sexual relationship is intense.
• Thirdly, the perpetrator reduces the intensity of the sexual relationship dramatically or just cuts off the sexual relationship with no explanation, so that the victim is in constant sexual need.
• Fourth, the perpetrator grants inproper sexual gratification in order to maintain the sexual need of the victim. Now, the victim can be humiliated, manipulated and used.

-- Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl

"Text-based relationships are very deceptive. People know only the good stuff, and none of the bad. The missing pieces are filled in based on hope, not on reality." Dr. S. King; Pacific Graduate School of Psychology in Palo Alto, CA

"For the unlucky women, months turn into years as they ride the roller coaster going nowhere. From heart stopping curves to death wish drops, they hate the ride but don’t know how to get off.

"Interestingly, no matter how long the women were in the relationship, the aftermath symptoms were the same. This means any exposure to psychopathy is psychologically devastating. The aftermath severity happens because the psychopath uses forms of mind control… It is hard to fathom but the [cyberpath] psychopath’s goal is to succeed in controlling and destroying a woman, …not to have a successful relationship with her. A [cyberpath] psychopath does devious kinds of acts to try to make his woman think she is having a nervous breakdown or is mentally deficient so she relies on his “take” of reality. If mind control is psychologically damaging to prisoners of war, it is just as damaging to the intimate partners of psychopaths. Psychopaths [cyberpaths] will go to great lengths to inflict psychological devastation, because they enjoy the process.

He …claims …that he “knows people” who get the information for him. This increases her paranoia and fear and adds to the [cyberpath] psychopath’s mystique.

They will agree to changes and then act as if they never had the conversation about the changes. They will admit behaviors when caught and later deny they admitted them. They will get caught red-handed and later deny she ever …heard, or found out what he did. He will use other accomplices to validate his stories to increase her sensation that she is going crazy. Wealthy [cyberpaths] psychopaths will financially bribe others to control the outcome of situations that continue to support his mirage of lies.

Women… may have symptoms resulting from mind control, and coercion. All of these conditions result from a victim’s bonding and emotional connection to her [cyberpath]. These symptoms are often seen in prisoners of war, hostages, and cult members.

…but she is not an easy woman to “take down.” Self-control will hold her strong even in the face of these psychopath-created delusions. …Some of the women indicated they stayed far too long trying to “figure out” what was going on or to go toe-to-toe with him so he couldn’t get something else over on them. Most of the women said they were baffled by the strange dynamics in the relationship and stayed until they had some kind of cognitive understanding of what they had been living through.

As the emotional stress, physical, and sexual exhaustion are taking their toll, her failed reality testing continues. She begins thinking paranormal things are happening around her. The constant ups and downs of the relationship are now eroding this strong woman’s sense of self-confidence and resourcefulness — just what the [cyberpath] psychopath intended.

As she starts to psychologically decompensate, she experiences the same [ ] dynamics that are seen in the Stockholm Syndrome:

• She perceives (and has already experienced) a threat to her physical or psychological survival and believes he has the ability to carry out his threats. By now, she has already lived months …of him carrying out his ability to harm her…
• Perceived small kindnesses from him to her set the emotional tone for her letting down her guard and seeing him as human or kind again. This also increases her relationship investment and hope in him.
• Isolation from outside perspectives other than his. She has already experienced not only isolation from others but the indoctrination of his pathological world view…

As she decompensates, she is an easier mark for continued manipulation by the [cyberpath] psychopath. It is uncertain if [cyberpaths] psychopaths have a natural ability by nature of their pathology to simply unconsciously perpetrate these types of mental “set-ups” or if the “set-ups”’ are systemically planned so that just watching her psychologically melt before his very eyes is a power pump for him. Our guess would be the later. If [cyberpaths] psychopaths didn’t like the game of manipulation, they would consistently choose women who are introverted and who would be a far easier capture than taking on powerful extraverted women. But that is in fact, exactly why most [cyberpaths] psychopaths choose the powerful extraverted woman. To that end, we have to assume that the psychopath predator enjoys watching a previously high-functioning woman turn into a reality-doubting, exhausted, bundle of nerves which he finds pretty erotic.

Sadly, some of the [cyberpath] psychopath’s women only make it out of their torment through suicide. The ultimate power triumph for a [cyberpath] psychopath — he conquered her spirit and won. He scoops up and moves on to the next woman/victim…

“I realized I had been seduced by a con man and I spent months in shock, trying to figure out just who he really is.”

A relationship with a psychopathic man is not like any other failed relationship. The women who loved psychopaths are not just bitter women scorned. It is simply not possible to have a relationship with a [cyberpath] psychopath and not be harmed and damaged to a significant degree.

One woman expressed,
“It has been over four years since our relationship ended and I still get anxiety attacks at the thought of dating - I am still single and have adopted a hermit lifestyle to make sure I never go through anything like this again.”

The relationship with a [cyberpath] psychopath has resulted in many women living out their lives alone without a partner.

The medical side effects of post traumatic stress disorder that many of the women developed from the relationship (as well as other acute stress disorders) will long manifest in her body. Medical side effects that continue on, long after the psychopath has left, include:

• Auto immune disorders
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Substance abuse
• Insomnia
  
• Migraines
• Digestive disorders
• High blood pressure

“This relationship has taken a grave physical toll on my body. I have several conditions. I look about 20 years older than I actually am.”

Sexual damage
Many of the women experienced sexual damage and negative effects on their sexuality. Having been exposed to deviant sexual practices, humiliated about their sexual performance or bodies, compared to other women, and often sexually harmed…

Long term damage
Women who have been in relationships with [cyberpaths] psychopaths universally experience some sort of acute stress. The acute stress could have evolved into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or other types of stress disorders. The lingering disorders serve as reminders of past pain and are likely to cause the women symptoms for years and maybe for life.

"When there is a question of WHO is telling the truth? See who has to GAIN by lying or bending history. Usually the real truth teller has to expose a vulnerable part of themselves, which takes courage and honesty." - Law Professor, Fordham University


FINAL THOUGHTS
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

The Cyberpath = Psychopath With Internet Access

Psychopaths With Internet Access



An Excerpt from the book: In Sheep's Clothing
By George K. Simon

(how many of these have you seen or discovered in your Online Predator??... comments in dark blue are EOPC's and not the author's)

Two Basic Types of Aggression
There are two basic types of aggression: overt-aggression and covert-aggression. When you're determined to have something and you're open, direct and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you're out to "win," dominate or control, but are subtle, underhanded or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Now, avoiding any overt display of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into giving you what you want is a powerfully manipulative maneuver. That's why covert-aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.

Acts of Covert-Aggression vs. Covert-Aggressive Personalities
Most of us have engaged in some sort of covertly aggressive behavior from time to time. Periodically trying to manipulate a person or a situation doesn't make someone a covert-aggressive personality. Personality can be defined by the way a person habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and the world at large.

The tactics of deceit, manipulation and control are a steady diet for covert-aggressive personality. It's the way they prefer to deal with others and to get the things they want in life.

The Process of Victimization
For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing what really goes on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to fault them. But I've learned that they get hoodwinked for some very good reasons:

1. A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we can't readily validate our feelings.

2. The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring, defending, ..., almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run.

3. All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit. Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use them to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like: "Yeah, I know I have a big guilt button." - But at the time their manipulative child is busily pushing that button, they can easily forget what's really going on. Besides, sometimes we're unaware of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited.

4. What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature.

We've been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character.

Recognizing Aggressive Agendas
Accepting how fundamental it is for people to fight for the things they want and becoming more aware of the subtle, underhanded ways people can and do fight in their daily endeavors and relationships can be very consciousness expanding. Learning to recognize an aggressive move when somebody makes one and learning how to handle oneself in any of life's many battles, has turned out to be the most empowering experience for the manipulation victims with whom I've worked. It's how they eventually freed themselves from their manipulator's dominance and control and gained a much needed boost to their own sense of self esteem.

Recognizing the inherent aggression in manipulative behavior and becoming more aware of the slick, surreptitious ways that manipulative people prefer to aggress against us is extremely important. Not recognizing and accurately labeling their subtly aggressive moves causes most people to misinterpret the behavior of manipulators and, therefore, fail to respond to them in an appropriate fashion. Recognizing when and how manipulators are fighting with covertly aggressive tactics is essential.

Defense Mechanisms and Offensive Tactics
Almost everyone is familiar with the term defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are the "automatic" (i.e. unconscious) mental behaviors all of us employ to protect or defend ourselves from the "threat" of some emotional pain. More specifically, ego defense mechanisms are mental behaviors we use to "defend" our self-images from "invitations" to feel ashamed or guilty about something. There are many different kinds of ego defenses and the more traditional (psychodynamic) theories of personality have always tended to distinguish the various personality types, at least in part, by the types of ego defenses they prefer to use. One of the problems with psychodynamic approaches to understanding human behavior is that they tend to depict people as most always afraid of something and defending or protecting themselves in some way; even when they're in the act of aggressing. Covert-aggressive personalities (indeed all aggressive personalities) use a variety of mental behaviors and interpersonal maneuvers to help ensure they get what they want. Some of these behaviors have been traditionally thought of as defense mechanisms.

While, from a certain perspective we might say someone engaging in these behaviors is defending their ego from any sense of shame or guilt, it's important to realize that at the time the aggressor is exhibiting these behaviors, he is not primarily defending (i.e. attempting to prevent some internally painful event from occurring), but rather fighting to maintain position, gain power and to remove any obstacles (both internal and external) in the way of getting what he wants. Seeing the aggressor as on the defensive in any sense is a set-up for victimization. Recognizing that they're primarily on the offensive, mentally prepares a person for the decisive action they need to take in order to avoid being run over. Therefore, I think it's best to conceptualize many of the mental behaviors (no matter how "automatic" or "unconscious" they may appear) we often think of as defense mechanisms, as offensive power tactics, because aggressive personalities employ them primarily to manipulate, control and achieve dominance over others. Rather than trying to prevent something emotionally painful or dreadful from happening, anyone using these tactics is primarily trying to ensure that something they want to happen does indeed happen. Let's take a look at the principal tactics covert-aggressive personalities use to ensure they get their way and maintain a position of power over their victims:

Denial - This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to themselves as well as to others) about their aggressive intentions. This "Who... Me?" tactic is a way of "playing innocent," and invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior. It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on doing what they want to do. This denial is not the same kind of denial that a person who has just lost a loved one and can't quite bear to accept the pain and reality of the loss engages in. That type of denial really is mostly a "defense" against unbearable hurt and anxiety. Rather, this type of denial is not primarily a "defense" but a maneuver the aggressor uses to get others to back off, back down or maybe even feel guilty themselves for insinuating he's doing something wrong.

Selective Inattention - This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for denial It's when the aggressor "plays dumb," or acts oblivious. When engaging in this tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda.

Often, the aggressor knows full well what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't want to hear it!" behavior. Ed Hicks & Yidwithlid did this) By using this tactic, the aggressor actively resists submitting himself to the tasks of paying attention to or refraining from the behavior you want him to change.

Rationalization - A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to offer for engaging in an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it. It's a powerful tactic because it not only serves to remove any internal resistance the aggressor might have about doing what he wants to do (quieting any qualms of conscience he might have) but also to keep others off his back. If the aggressor can convince you he's justified in whatever he's doing, then he's freer to pursue his goals without interference.



Diversion - A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to pin a manipulator down or try to keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior we don't like, he's expert at knowing how to change the subject, dodge the issue or in some way throw us a curve. Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas. (Jacoby, Doug Beckstead, Sammy Benoit /Jeff Dunetz/ Yidwithlid all used this one constantly - and with initial good results for them!)

Whenever someone is not responding directly to an issue, you can safely assume that for some reason, they're trying to give you the slip.

Lying - It's often hard to tell when a person is lying at the time he's doing it. Fortunately, there are times when the truth will out because circumstances don't bear out somebody's story. But there are also times when you don't know you've been deceived until it's too late. One way to minimize the chances that someone will put one over on you is to remember that because aggressive personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and cheat. Another thing to remember is that manipulators - covert-aggressive personalities that they are - are prone to lie in subtle, covert ways. Courts are well aware of the many ways that people lie, as they require that court oaths charge that testifiers tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth from you or by distorting the truth. (William Michael Barber, John Gash, Yidwithlid, Ed Hicks & Phil Haberman all did this)They are adept at being vague when you ask them direct questions. This is an especially slick way of lying -- omission. Keep this in mind when dealing with a suspected wolf in sheep's clothing. Always seek and obtain specific, confirmable information.

Covert Intimidation - Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in a one-down position. Covert-aggressives intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats. Guilt-tripping and shaming are two of the covert-aggressive's favourite weapons. Both are special intimidation tactics. (Dorsky, Hicks, Jacoby, Beckstead, Rodger & Yidwithlid all used overt & covert threats - including disappearing on the Targets for days or weeks at a time, as 'threats')

Guilt-tripping - One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position.

The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon.

Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how fundamentally different in character they are compared to other (especially neurotic) personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might try until they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality) to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.

Shaming - This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance.

Playing the Victim Role - This tactic involves portraying oneself as an innocent victim of circumstances or someone else's behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. (Yidwithlid did this one when caught! Beckstead complained about his cold, unfeeling wife...) One thing that covert-aggressive personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and less hostile personalities usually can't stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, the tactic is simple. Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and they'll try to relieve your distress.

(Jeff Dunetz /Gridney/ Yidwithlid also used this as a lure, i.e. his cold, disappointing marriage and how Target #1 and eventually Target #2 were the ONLY people he could 'really talk to.'

Dorksy also used this one in telling his Target she was the 'only girl for' him because all the girls in his area were 'sluts' and unworthy.

Beckstead's wife "wouldn't have sex with" him.

Dan Jacoby was "waiting for his divorce to be final" and "no one understood him.")


Vilifying the Victim - This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with the tactic of playing the victim role. The aggressor uses this tactic to make it appear he is only responding (i.e. defending himself against) aggression on the part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the victim on the defensive. (Ed Hicks (aka Charles Greene aka Charles Hicks aka....) was big on this one! Dan Jacoby's the latest to do this tired ploy.)

Playing the Servant Role - Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause. It's a common tactic but difficult to recognize. By pretending to be working hard on someone else's behalf, covert-aggressives conceal their own ambition, desire for power, and quest for a position of dominance over others. (Yidwithlid used this one saying he was religious and writing articles to support causes which only furthered his own agenda and were placed on his old website - a site in which he used the guestbook to troll for new targets. Currently he tells people reading his blog to EMAIL him with their email addresses so he can "add them to his mailing list." -- There are free sites that do that automatically; which leads us to believe Jeff Dunetz is collects new emails for targetting! At the same time, he convinced Target #1 he was as altruistic as she was -- when he was actually only furthering a personal, selfish egotistical agenda, serial cheating with high price hookers on his wife and family at the same time and lying to everyone around him about who & what he really was. Just like ALL cyberpaths!)

One hallmark characteristic of covert-aggressive personalities is loudly professing subservience while fighting for dominance.

Seduction - Covert-aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty.

Covert-aggressives are also particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and dependent (and that includes most people who aren't character-disordered) want approval, reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than anything. Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulator's ticket to incredible power over others.

He melts any resistance you might have to giving him your loyalty and confidence. He does this by giving you what he knows you need most. He knows you want to feel valued and important. So, he often tells you that you are. You don't find out how unimportant you really are to him until you turn out to be in his way. (And then he tells you to get over YOUR 'bruised ego.')

Projecting the blame (blaming others) or Blame-Shifting - Aggressive personalities are always looking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior. Covert-aggressives are not only skilled at finding scapegoats, they're expert at doing so in subtle, hard to detect ways. (all our Cyberpaths do this so much - we'd spend another couple posts just point it all out!)

Minimization - This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with rationalization. When using this maneuver, the aggressor is attempting to assert that his abusive behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain.

I've presented the principal tactics that covert-aggressives use to manipulate and control others. They are not always easy to recognize. Although all aggressive personalities tend to use these tactics, covert-aggressives generally use them slickly, subtly and adeptly. Anyone dealing with a covertly aggressive person will need to heighten gut-level sensitivity to the use of these tactics if they're to avoid being taken in by them.

original article here

Stalking and the Pitfalls of Meeting Online

Stalking is a practice that has been around for a very long time but only recently has become a criminal offence. There are many varieties and reasons for stalking and many ways of meeting a potential partner and engaging in relationship.

The intent of this article is to identify the internet as a means of introduction, not only to a new partner but a potential nightmare when the relationship comes to an end. Because of the anonymity that the internet provides, there is far more potential for deception and misrepresentation than when an introduction occurs naturally face to face. The dangers of forming relationships online have been well documented elsewhere. The focus here will be on stalking behavior resulting from feelings of rejection encountered by one party when the other wants out of a relationship that simply isn't healthy. The internet just happens to provide the perfect environment for a stalker to identify a partner who is less likely to be rejecting because of their own vulnerability.

When an unsuspecting lonely heart logs on to an online dating service, the last thing on their mind is the possibility that they may be inviting a potential stalker (or predator) into their life.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics it is mainly women who are exposed to this type of activity and the major research in this area appears to concentrate on the female population. To be classified as stalking, "more than one type of stalking behavior had to occur, or the same type of behavior had to occur on more than one occasion" (Australian Women's Safety Survey 1996, p82.)

Usually curiosity and hopeful anticipation inspires someone looking for companionship and/or love to submit their profile online and spend hours scanning through the many candidates offering themselves as potential partners.

It is very difficult to ascertain from the inviting smiles and "come hither" poses whether or not potential pitfalls are hidden beneath an enticing facade.

Profiles are often very artful works of fiction hiding the truth of a sometimes very disturbed personality.

This may seem a somewhat dramatic claim to some. To others, it is merely a reminder to be very careful next time - if they are willing to brave a next time.

Depending on the severity of the stalking experience, it is possible to suffer long term or permanent consequences in the form of post-traumatic stress disorder.

For an elaboration of the potential psychological impact of stalking behavior on victims please refer to the following paper presented at a conference convened by the Australian Institute of Criminology in Sydney, December 7-8 2000.
*******
The Toll of Stalking:
The Relationship Between Features of Stalking and Psychopathology of Victims.

E Blaauw, FW Winkel -- Department of Clinical Psychology, Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam, The Netherlands
E Arensman -- Department of Clinical & Health Psychology, Leiden University, The Netherlands

It is for the reasons outlined in the paper cited above, that I feel compelled to issue a warning regarding the dangers of online dating to both men and women. Although in the majority of cases stalkers are male, there are women who occasionally fit this profile. The psychological damage sustained by such behavior is similar for both genders, however females are potentially more at risk physically.

Stalking behavior has been around since time immemorial, going back to the caveman's MO of seeking out his victim and then rendering her unconscious with his club. This was handy as the method produced few objections!

Then of course there are the modern day dangers of leaving a disco or bar alone and having to face a range of intrusions from following to other more vicious crimes of assault, rape, or in extreme cases, murder.

The Australian Institute of Criminology, provides information on stalking trends in Queensland, Victoria and South Australia. Stalking behavior is classified according to the relationship of the stalker to the victim and whether or not mental illness is present.

The focus of this article is on stalking behavior within the context of an existing relationship or after it's demise. An insidious form of stalking occurs when the victim is enticed into a relationship which they later wish to leave. The stalker is usually emotionally disturbed and may suffer from a personality disorder. Fear of rejection is often present and the discomfort and insecurity of this affliction could lead to bizarre behavior patterns.

Signs to watch for include impatience or anxiety when:

* phone calls (or emails/ instant messages) are not returned quickly enough
* they don't know where you are or you are late
* a gift or favor is not acknowledged immediately
* attention is given to your other friends
* they are not the centre of attention
* attending a crowded social function
* they feel left out or not included

While relationships of this nature can begin after meeting at all the usual places, including a trusted friend's introduction, online dating presents a different problem.

A computer screen affords the perfect hiding place for a person plagued with emotional insecurities. They are able to surf the net in the comfort of knowing they are anonymous. Often they are hidden while they wait for someone else to initiate contact. Profiles of potential partners are carefully scrutinized and usually someone who gives the impression of a caring and nurturing nature is the chosen one. They are also chosen due to vulnerability due to disappointments in other relationships and loneliness. The perfect choice.

The stalker personality type can present as highly intelligent and very charming. They can be very alluring, persuasive and appear to be very interested in you once you have shown enough interest to gain their trust. Their attention appears to be fully focused on you. The attention feels wonderful and you are told you are very special in their life. Before you know it, you are in a relationship even though you may not be too sure if you actually want to be there!

Your every word is taken in and stored in their memory. They listen attentively to what it is you are seeking in a partner because they want to deliver the goods that will keep you glued to their side. Before long, talk of long-term commitment is setting off alarm bells in your head and even the big M may have already been mentioned. Have you been going out together for 6 months to 1 year yet? Probably not!

Whatever it is you want in a partner however, they assure will be provided! Problems only start when you begin to feel that contact with this person is becoming very "sticky". It feels draining to be with them rather than energizing. With time you may even dread spending prolonged time together. Thoughts of extricating yourself from this relationship occupy your mind and you may try to initiate separation.

This is easier said than done. When you are no longer the compliant, loving and nurturing partner, what does that make you! Public enemy number one, of course!

Loving words are now exchanged for abusive character assassinations coming at you from unwanted phone calls, SMS, instant messages and emails. (a smear campaign to everyone around them and around you) Whatever may have been revealed of your own insecurities often come hurtling back at you in an attempt to break down your resolve for freedom. They may even show up on your doorstep or place of work wanting an explanation for what they have done wrong.

This is usually followed with apologies and self-blame and expressions of desire to make things right again. The anxiety is rising and their fear of rejection escalates.

Their behavior will depend on what you do at this point. If you succumb, meet and make up, then their anxiety will be appeased and you are off the hook for the time being. If however, you refuse to engage in conversation and reconciliation, it could get nasty. How nasty it gets depends on how it is handled and the severity of the stalker's affliction.

In any event, it is imperative that you realize that you are not dealing with a rational person and so any attempt to disengage from relationship with rational conversation will not work. This person needs help and this is not your responsibility. Usually psychological help is appropriate. Sometimes however, a psychiatrist will need to make an assessment and perhaps prescribe medication.

Your responsibility is to look after yourself and take all the precautions necessary for your safety. If you have had at least two instances of stalking behavior it is important to lodge a complaint at your local police station. They will then advise whether taking out an AVO (Apprehended Violence Order) (in the U.S. an RO - Restraining Order) is appropriate. Stalking is now an illegal offence in NSW (Australia) and includes the following behaviors:

* Following by any means, car or on foot
* Lurking in the vicinity of your home or office
* Sending unwanted mail, cards or gifts
* Sending unwanted emails, SMS
* Unwanted phone calls
* Spreading malicious gossip about you to your friends, acquaintances or work colleagues, etc
* Damaging or interfering with your property or vehicle (including leaving notes on the windscreen)
* Giving, sending or leaving offensive material

It is also important to alert trusted friends, neighbours, work colleagues and anyone else who may be able to offer support. Support is needed not only for your physical safety, but your psychological safety as well. Being followed and being subjected to the invasion of privacy that constitutes stalking behavior can leave long-term scars. Seek the help of a suitably qualified therapist if you feel traumatized by your experience. This will help in preventing any long term damage and provide helpful coping strategies.

Keeping your home secure and being careful in car parks is important. If necessary, change your telephone number or use an answering service to screen your calls. Block unwanted emails and be aware of your surroundings when away from your home or office. Initially it may help to stay with friends or go away on holiday where you are removed from your known routines.

It is imperative that the stalker is given absolutely NO ATTENTION from you. Even negative attention is food for the stalker's hunger and will only prolong the situation. Do not answer their phone calls, emails, SMS, instant messages (Block what you can) or satisfy any attempt of contact by any means. Ultimately they will lose interest and seek satisfaction from another source. Have an authority figure such as a police officer or lawyer contact the stalker to make it very clear that their conduct is illegal and must stop immediately.

Just be careful and remember the warning signs listed above. If it feels better when you are alone than when you are with your newly acquired partner, have a real good ponder on whether your own fears of being alone are justification for staying in a relationship that just doesn't feel right.

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Why Victims Need to Tell & Keep Telling

On behalf of all survivors, let me just say this: if we could "just get over it", we would. If we could snap our fingers and instantly make ourselves whole and healthy once again, we would do it. If we could wake up one morning, and find ourselves completely healed of our abuse, and completely free of the harmful effects the abuse had wrought on our lives, we'd do it. If there was a magic pill to take, or a certain food we could eat, or a spell we could cast, or a prayer we could say which would make it all go away instantly, I can't imagine any survivor who wouldn't at least try it once.

The fact is, it's too exhausting to live with the consequences of being abused. Depression, eating disorders, violence, generational abuse, panic attacks, and so on are all potential results of being abused; and why would anyone want to be plagued by such things? Furthermore, the toll abuse takes in terms of survivors' self-esteem is incredibly debilitating. Oftentimes, even survivors who are relatively together are haunted by the nagging belief that they aren't worthwhile human beings.

And the supreme irony of it all is that, by and large, the abusers and perpetrators themselves NEVER take responsibility for cleaning up the mess they've left behind in their victims' lives. It is the abusers who rip their victims apart, but the victims who must put themselves back together.

The backlash against survivors who dare to talk about their experiences is incredible. From well-meaning relatives or friends who hope to lessen the pain somehow by telling us, "It can't have been that bad," to death threats and stalking from abusers we've confronted, to organizations operating on a large-scale to debunk reports of abuse (such as the False Memory Syndrome Foundation), survivors are beset on all sides with walls of disbelief.

We are accused of making it up, of being crazy, of being "oversensitive", scorned, jealous, ungrateful, just out for attention, or any of a thousand demeaning labels which not only insult our individual persons, but also give no respect to the horrors we've survived, or the strength we have shown in doing so.

It is my personal opinion that people just don't want to admit abuse exists. Sometimes, this is understandable. Sometimes, a person might have great faith in the goodness of humanity, and can't even conceive of abuse as happening (or else, can't conceive of it happening except "over there", or "somewhere else").

Or perhaps they don't want to imagine that abuse might have happened to someone they care about, and so they minimize it. Maybe, they even believe they are helping to relieve a survivor's pain, by suggesting that the survivor focus on something else.

Other people have a more vested interest in letting abuse happen. ... The only acceptable reason for not stopping abuse is if you really don't know that it's happening -- and this is extremely rare.)

People who buy into an abusive system -- say, overly macho or aggressive men, or very submissive women -- might deny that abuse happens as well. A good portion of college men apparently believe that there is no such thing as rape, and that it's okay to have sex with a woman if she's drunk or unconscious. (I say, if the only way you can get laid is with a woman who's out cold, you're probably the most pathetic a**hole that ever lived -- and a criminal to boot.)

Yet another group has a direct investment in whether or not abuse is revealed: abusers themselves.

For one reason or another, abusers want to get away with it. Why? I don't know. I've never been inside an abuser's head, I've only been on the receiving end of their abuse. I don't know what makes abusers tick -- and in some ways, I hope I never find out.

The bottom line is, this isn't a very survivor-friendly world. Yes, resources are out there. Yes, people know more about abuse and recovery than they ever did before. Yes, more strides are made daily, in healing and in research. Yes, we keep talking. But it isn't easy. All of the above makes our lives very difficult.

Add to this the reports of abuse which actually do turn out to be false, and it just adds one more wall -- if one "victim" cries wolf, it makes those of us with true stories to tell that much more likely not to be believed.

But talk we do, and talk we will. With our friends, our families, in books, in journals, through artwork, with therapists, online, on web pages and blogs... on and on and on.

We have to.

For those of us who have suffered abuse at the hands of others, the only way out is by revealing what happened -- bringing it out into the light, naming it for what it is, looking at it good and hard, assessing the damage done to our selves and our lives, and then assimilating the damage and moving on. No, there's no overnight cure. No, we can't just "snap out of it". DUH!

We have to talk, because if we don't, abuse will never come to light, for anyone. It will continue breeding in the silence and shame, on and on, for generations to come, causing the same debilitation and hatred and confusion for future generations that it has to us.

We have to talk, because we can't let abusers get away with it anymore.

The toll they take on all of humanity is simply unacceptable.

original article here